It's a hurricane in my chest today and that wind is howling so loud in my mind, so I'll just lay here on my couch and watch how the storm twirls inside of me, turns me inside out, and wait it out.

I just feel so small and everything else is so huge and it keeps piling up on me, smothering me, until all I can see and breath is this wall of musts and responsibility and endless tasks and emotions that won't stop pressing up in my throat and I can't cry, I just don't take the time to do it, everything else is too demanding that I can't even do that, and I don't remember anymore how to relax my shoulder or unclench my jaw and I just can't see any pause ahead, no oasis of breathing deeply again in the near future, no space for just me to be.

And it was just as beautiful as he said it was.
But as I asked him to lift me higher, he put me down and left me there on the floor. And Lord, I don't think you've ever seen anything so black as after you've seen the sun, like truly seen it.

It just makes all the other colours disappear with him.

To all the boys who have ruthlessly clinged themselves upon me, forcing me to make room for them, demanding me to fit into their dreams of me, expecting me to perform, wanting me to take them in.

To all the boys who have made me change for them, rushed my development, taking me out into the wilderness, so far away that I no longer could find my way back home.

To all of you who have shaped me into who I am today, leaving me less naive, so careful of others' feelings after learning to put theirs ahead of my own.

To all of you who have left me shining from all the love, more in touch with my feelings and my gut, a bit harder but beautiful in the adore from your eyes.

To all of you - I am done. I have nothing left to say to you, I've already thought it all. But to myself - I made it home. Bruised, scared and scarred but I made it. And even though it isn't what it used to be, I'm still back and the next time I go, it will be when I want to go and not because of a stupid boy.

I have thought hundreds of poems about you and you have sprayed my name across a town
We have talked throughout the nights and dreamt the days away
And my heart has melted every time your eyes lit up when you said my name

I have missed you so much that it hurts
Wished me away to that **** small town you're trapped within, the one that you longed to get out of, that you clung away from until you no longer existed

And I hate what it did to you

How it got you to color everything black and white,
Got you to stare throughout the nights and sleep the days away
Until your eyes no longer shined of wild dreams and hope
Until you no longer said my name

And if I had been brave enough, if you had let me, I would have taken you away from there,
I would have saved us,
before you became that stranger

And now you will always be the one who could have been but never will be

My heart
swelling
in my chest,
trying to stop
my tongue
from destroying this,
from destroying everything

But


"I can't..."

and just like that
our hearts stop

and it becomes too late

All those thousand dreams of how I'll meet you
is keeping my chest calm