i told a boy about my darkness,
about the Vantablack, carbon nanotube darkness
that ***** all life & light from my frame.
he ran his fingers through his jet black hair
as he listened, perfectly still.
he didn't run.
instead, he asked questions, mostly starting with "why,"
and i pondered my own black whole
as his hand rested on my knee.
"darling," he had said. "why do you let it control you?"
but i simply smiled, shook my head.
"you've clearly never felt my pain before."

somehow;
all this time later, i'm still dreaming about you
i'm still writing about you,
still pining after you.

and when i feel lonely i don't know what to do,
so i think about you,
i still think about you.

and while you don't even know...
but maybe you do?
i think that you do,
you know i care about you.

but what you may not know,
well if you read this you do.
i'll never be over you;
i'm still in love with you.

and i guess i should just say that
even though we are through,
it's always been you;
it'll always be you.

my beloved, i miss you.
i miss our time spent together,
miss the life you brought into my spirit.
darling,
don’t you miss how thin you were?
i told you that you didn’t want food—
carbs are bad, remember?—
and you were just so beautiful.
the etched lines of your ribs and collarbone,
carefully defined like charcoal on a watercolor painting.
lovely,
don’t you miss our late-night chats?
you told me everything you hated about yourself
and i just held you as you crumbled.
i’m sorry i couldn’t bring myself to console you but
honey,
your pain was just so beautiful...
i couldn’t tear myself away.
how can you not miss our alone time?
your isolation always kept me company—
until that one day.
you yelled at me,
shouted obscenities at me until you were crying,
but different tears than the ones you shared with me
late at night.
you relapsed into our old relationship,
again and again,
until that one day.
i heard you singing in the shower
for the first time since you were ten years old,
heard you open a bag of chips, eat the whole **** bag,
saw your mother embrace you while
tears fell down her face.
i saw you drive away with
that boy,
the one who kisses your scars
and tells you your past is a tragic beauty.
beloved,
i could’ve saved you.
don’t tell me you saved yourself.
we could’ve been just so beautiful.

                                                   forever yours,
                                                          ­  me<3

i
am
trying.

it's funny;
i didn't remember what it was like to be young,
i mean,
i'm young now but
i guess what i mean is happy.
i don't remember what it's like to be happy.

i've given you what i have
i'll give you what is left
all of me, the remnants
of what they've left behind;
my everything is yours,
even the parts i love
would look better in your eyes
than they ever did in mine;
i am giving you permission
to break my heart
at the end of this,
call me cynical, i know i am
but i can't help but imagine
the privilege it would be
to sit there, surrounded by a pile
of all my shattered parts,
knowing they were broken
by you.
-a.c.b

i can't stop thinking about
all those afternoons bled to evenings
spent in your room with the shades drawn tight,
a single beam of light from the setting sun that peaks in
and highlights your face above mine,
all those times you would
pause from kissing me
just to remind me
that you loved me,
all those times i ran my fingers up and down
your bare chest, curled up against your neck
breathing you in,
all those times
your merciless lips covered every inch of me
made me forget the own taste of mine
without your tongue between my teeth
i can't stop thinking about
all those times
i fell in love with you over & over again.
-a.c.b

the only thing stronger
than the love i feel when we’re together
is the deafening loneliness
when we’re not.
-a.c.b

you told me my aura was pink when we first met;
a rosy, pulsing bubble
that soon gave way to lilac nights
and obsidian skies,
hearts overlapping like the venn diagrams you always hated to draw in primary school.
you caressed my skin so lightly i sometimes wonder if it was never your fingers at all,
but instead the summer breeze i soon learned to call my home,
the breeze that soon gave way to autumnal rust
and winter chills,
the cold air slipping under my shirt like
the sadness i never asked for.
you told me my aura had turned from coral
to cerulean
to cobalt
to ash
to obsidian, and it reminded you
of the skies we used to leap under.
you told me you had never seen a flower
quite so sad.
i told you that i had never seen my sun
burn brighter.

one day i’ll grow up
and i’ll become the girl
who falls in love with a boy
and makes him her world;

i’ll go through my life
with a hand by my side
love in my heart
and a man on my mind-

a man like my father
honest and true
picks me up when i’m sad
paints me pink when i’m blue.

one day i’ll grow up
and find a love of my own
start a life together and a family
buy ourselves a home.

i’ll go through my life
with an eternal kiss on my lips
through the pain and the fights
any stumbles or hardships.

i’ll be a woman like my mother
a warrior of her own
strength exuding through every breath-
with him, and alone.
-a.c.b

i’m sorry.
i’m sorry in advance for the person i will be
when you meet me,
worse off than i am now,
if you can believe that.
if you want to blame someone please
do not blame me,
be patient with me, dear,
i promise i will get better.
blame the boy with strands of copper for hair,
electricity running through him.
i thought the sparks shooting off him
were a novelty
until they marred my arms with embers that
dissolved into flames and i was turned to ash
before he could ever apologize.
blame the boy with those eyes,
sapphires planted in his face where
eyes should be,
such a stunning color i looked past how
he could never love me.
my love, i wasted
two years (and counting) of my life on this
boy,
hopefully,
by the time i meet you i will be
over him.
you deserve so much more than
a girl still clinging to her past
with white knuckles.
blame the boy that i fell for
much too fast,
...correction:
thought i fell for.
by the time i meet you i hope
i know that
no matter how lonely i am,
i should not force something
that is not meant to be.
dear,
i am trying to heal from that,
trying to assure myself that i will not
lose feeling so quickly,
dilute something that was so beautiful and full of life
into something i cannot bear to look at.
my future lover,
i apologize in advance but
if i think i will give you any less than
all of me,
i will let someone else love you.

i’m convinced that
i have met an angel in real life,
wings spread and
halo glowing,
lips soft like
the sheets we’re tangled in
sweet like honey, showered
with stars from above
i am
entrapped, ensorcelled
by all that you are.
-a.c.b

the one before you tried to heal my scars.
he always said
"baby, no one wants to buy damaged goods."
and i always nodded my head, kissed his cheek,
let him try and heal my scars so i would be
his perfect angel.
then you came along,
you encouraged me to leap under the fiery sun,
let my scars burn white hot like an angel's wings.
you always said
"baby, no one wants a carbon copy;
your scars make you the best kind of uniquely beautiful."
and although you may be gone now,
i will always remember to dance under the fiery sun
and let my scars burn white hot...
just like an angel's wings.

i cried him a storm of rose petals, the soft leaves blinding him as the thorns press into his sides, he can't see them, he can't feel them, he can't see that i am a violent battlefield, a fallen angel disguised as a soldier, my love is a pile of grenades and the pins are already pulled, and the whole thing will blow up in his face long before he has the chance to pick another rose.

our love is soft on the outside, the color of ballet slippers and the taste of buttercream frosting but when you get past the surface you see our love is hard, solid. we are just a couple of slightly damaged people who haven't felt the sun on their faces in so **** long; they crave the validation, they crave the love hidden between the other's lips, their desire surpasses just that-- it is no longer a want, a desire. our love is a need.

he has used a needle and thread to stitch his name into the blood running through my very body, filled my lungs with only his voice so i often forget how to breathe when he is not with me. i know i have become too reliant, too dependent on his velvet words but i can't stop now, can't back out, and the rose petals are falling from my eyes.
-a.c.b

i promise to make pain look beautiful,
i will make you wish for thorns instead of roses
just so you can feel my ebony words,
just so you can choke on the bitter truth
for a while.
i promise to paint love as the most beautiful sunset you’ve ever seen,
i will make you give everything
to have a world of your very own.
i promise to hold a permanent spot in your mind,
trail through your thoughts like music notes,
feelings so overwhelming you can’t breathe.
i promise to have you scribbling lines on any surface you can get your hands on,
post-its and notebook pages and tree bark
and your ex-lover’s lips.
i will make you ******* words, cloyingly
sweet with an acrid aftertaste once you realize
”oh, he’s not actually hers.”
i promise
to make you feel something.

it's terrifying
to pour your heart, your soul
the parts of yourself that
could break you,
into something that is not so much of a thing
but instead a piece of your very
being,
and have it turned down,
rejected,
spit on.
how do you recover
from such a loss?
-a.c.b

baby the shears are not mine to use;
i don't care who inevitably severs our ties
but i will flinch, i will quiver
you will see me alone in the hallways as a wilted flower,
frozen in place like the first freeze of November,
you will see the grey memories left over in my eyes--
the sound of the barking dog
and the lyrics to my favorite song
and the words my poetry shouts,
the ones i am too afraid to whisper.
my lips are red raw,
tongue bleeding the love i feel too much of--
it was my everything
i gave you my everything...
you are my everything.
and what you had left is what i had left,
was always more than enough for me
you are still more than enough for me
i'm just sorry
your little sad girl
didn't have anything left to give.
-a.c.b

i wish i were an artist,
wish i could paint the way i’m feeling
as a beautiful sunrise
or an unimaginable storm.
i wish i knew how to illustrate without using words...
words are not reliable.

he is sitting three feet away from me
and i can feel his hand rattling the table
as he spins another masterpiece.
he is concentrated,
as am i,
and i know he is stealing glances at
the way my pencil scratches furiously across this page.
i am mesmerized
by the way his hair falls across his face as
he lets his heart do the drawing.
with that slight frown on his face i can't
help but wonder how anyone could leave that boy alone?
darling,
i know, together
we would be even more beautiful than
the art we both create.

she was never the pastel rose petal
so many wanted her to be,
never compared to a summer’s day,
never flowered with affection from
princes.
she was rough,
slanted, lines kind of
blurred around the edges.
she was lonely,
and not afraid to show it, her
kaleidoscope heart reflecting patterns of her thoughts,
casting iridescent shadows
on anyone near her.
they couldn’t help but to be drawn
to this enigmatic girl,
desperate to worship her kingdom
and
take away all the hurt.
she was never just “beautiful” to anyone.
she was always
so much more.

oh how i wish i could write words
half as beautiful as you are, my darling
the way your eyes sparkle when you speak of what you love,
the way i get drunk off the taste of your smile.
my love you are soft,
soft like the sheets we are tangled in, i know
you see me as a daydream but you are the best one i’ve ever had.

you are such beautiful chaos
like entropy
in a sundress
-a.c.b

i guess i have a thing for blonde hair, blue eyes
something about the way i fall into the ocean
of those two heartbreakers,
the way they contrast his light hair.
but i never guessed that i could fall in and drown,
my lungs screaming for air,
while i tell them to please shush so i can hear him speak.
sacrificing myself for a boy who doesn't even want me.

this is not a story about us,
it's a story about a girl.
a story about a girl who met a boy
and he became her world.
this boy was not ordinary-
he said he was here to stay,
with marble-etched words
he took her breath away.
reached for both her hands with his own,
looked her deep in the eye,
held her trembling body
until there were no tears left to cry.
and she thought it was right,
thought it was love.
she thought her blue-eyed angel
had been sent from up above.
but all of a sudden he dropped her,
and she crashed, hard, on the ground.
she was scared of his marble-etched words
never again will she be safe and sound.
scared they'll trick her again
into a false sense of security,
make her think she's happier with him
than alone she could ever be.
so this story is not about a boy,
it's about a girl made of diamond.
who learned to trust people again,
got herself off Isolation Island.
so here's to the girl
that shows her scars kindly
and learned the dangers
of trusting blue-eyed boys blindly.

it came up behind you out of nowhere;
one day you were sitting there,
laughing with your friends under a tangerine sky
and now
you're wondering when, exactly, everything got so grey
and why you're no longer excited for your future
and why you no longer like to make eye contact in the mirror
and why you gravitate
towards all things
a little broken.
i know why...
you see yourself in them.
-a.c.b

my bucket list was always

skydiving
zip lining
fall in love

but i have since realized skydiving is unrealistic
zip lining has been done already
and falling in love...
falling in love is not a box you can check off.

i fell in love with the idea of falling
not knowing it would be
as intense as it is,
like skydiving without a parachute or
the cable breaking while zip lining

except with this,
i don't mind the plummet
in fact, my stomach dropping
feels a little like the butterflies that still kiss my insides
when i see you;

everything else on my bucket list feels
insignificant
because i met you;
that's (almost) enough adventure
for me.
-a.c.b

i’m like King Midas,
surrounded by gold, the best
but i don’t touch it,
can’t touch the very material
i give off,
can’t make myself the kind of happy
i (apparently) make others.
i give off pure gold,
24k happiness,
but the metal grows cold in
my veins, turns solid
letting the worst seep into my bloodstream
and the best
swirling through the veins of the ones
around me.
oh, how i wish
i could get a taste of that
24k golden sun.
-a.c.b

in a world so hellbent
on no one being broken
i sure do get told a lot
that i can be fixed
-a.c.b

you met a girl who
cried raindrops,
tasted of champagne and regret but
oh did she love so hard
i never got a chance to feel how soft she could be
i was too busy drinking in her mahogany eyes and
lightly tanned skin-- by the gallon, gulping
trying to get air in between sips like
an aged merlot she was
timelessly magnificent.
i swear to you
she had the sun within her,
could shine so bright but
a single cloud could wash it all away,
dim her, shroud her
in stringy clouds of despair i swear
i would've done anything
to burn away those clouds.
-a.c.b

sometimes i just feel like the words clot in my veins and the ink is spilled on my soul and my heart is ripped like the pages of my favorite notebook. my lips are the cracked leather cover from too many forced smiles and the light in my eyes is only the artificial light bulb i use at 3am so i can see what i'm writing. my verses are as repetitive as my endless reassurances, condolences, apologies. mother, i have nothing to be sorry for. my limbs are stiff like the spines of all those bound books i asked for for christmas, sitting somewhere in my room as a heap. i said i wanted to be a writer; i did not want to become my writing.

somehow your words struck such a
chord within me,
those delicate sentences strung together with
pure emotion i wonder
how the same 26 letters could create
something the complete opposite.
you took your hands and
pried your chest open,
showed me the heart inside, showed me
what that heart beats for
while making it clear
it doesn't beat for me.
-a.c.b

it’s days like these
where even you,
you— my fallen angel,
my solace,
my everything,
can’t even lift the rain cloud.
it’s days like these
where even you,
my Atlas,
can’t carry the weight of the world
away from my shoulders.
-a.c.b

cerulean. like the crayon, or the Anguillan ocean, or the color of my favorite blue shirt, darker but with flecks of periwinkle too, and kind of a sparkle to them, without trying to be cliche here. 100% the most beautiful eyes i’ve ever seen, and that’s everyone included- it’s not just because i’m in love with him. they brighten when he’s happy, or when i’m happy and he’s looking at me because he knows it takes a lot for me to really truly be happy. and they’re framed by these long blonde lashes that are the sand to the ocean of his eyes and honestly i could go swimming for hours. once when we watched a sunset together the amber rays were reflected so they had a gold tint to them and i really don’t think i’ve ever spent so long explaining the color of someone’s eyes but the only reason i say “red” when people ask me my favorite color is because no one wants to hear me say that my favorite color is his eyes.

i'm in need of some love,
heart's in disrepair.
beyond tired of hearing people
say they'll always be there.
even when my tears
are trailing mascara down my face
they still turn away,
leaving nothing but a trace
of who they used to be,
yet another ghost of my past.
when they choose moments to comfort me
the moment i needed it was already gone fast.
how dare they take everything
when they give nothing,
empty promises, half truths
always forgetting lines--they're bluffing.
i have so much
love to give, to receive
how dare they take everything,
all i gave them, and leave?
how dare they leave me behind;
i was the flashlight during their darkest moment,
the unconditional love and guidance i gave--
my utmost bestowment.
i shouldn't be surprised,
i was simply a warm home when they were hungry and cold
well now i'm watching the story
of my betrayal unfold.
i'm in need of some love,
heart's in disrepair.
don't tell me you're gonna stay
if you won't actually "always be there."

falling for you was like blinking;
close my eyes for a split second
and i miss it,
but suddenly my eyes are open again
and the world's a little brighter,
heart's a little warmer knowing there's somebody out there--
not just somebody, you--
that actually gives a **** about what i have to say
and the way i think
and how i love
and everything or anyone that's ever hurt me.
don't blink-- i don't want to miss it

baby you are once in a lifetime.
-a.c.b

i never break promises,
that is, until i met you.
"i promise i won't fall in love with you,"
but the words tumbled out of my mouth before i really considered them,
before i realized what i would do for a boy that treats me like gold,
a boy like you.
i'm sorry i broke my promise, darling;
it was never my intent.

to be perfectly honest with you,
i'm scared.
i'm scared of a lot of things, actually--
dark rooms and creaky floorboards and losing my loved ones and sharks and haunted houses and tarantulas
but love, i'm scared of losing you.
it's been one month since you've been introduced into my life
and already
my future has been rearranged to fit you in it--
the unconditional love i've been craving.
but i can't stop thinking about the "what if"s,
can't stop buying into the stolen glances
and hushed tones
when we walk down the hallway together hand-in-hand,
a single baritone voice stands out above the whispers says
"i didn't know he liked girls like that."
the word gay
the word ******
circling through my mind like baby what if
we get six months into this thing
and i'm madly in love with you
and you decide
he can love you better?
it's not a specific him,
but the pronoun itself,
the entity, the intangible.
baby what if
my love just isn't enough for you,
my words or my heart or my body--
what if i'm not good enough for you?
you are different; you are special
and you deserve only the best,
only happiness in its truest form.


but baby what if
you no longer find that happiness in me?
-a.c.b

i prematurely miss you,
dreading the day i no longer know you,
the day your heart no longer beats for me,
the day you no longer kiss my forehead
and twirl my hair around your finger
absentmindedly.
i dread the day you no longer tell me
“i love you”
at least 10 times a day,
(just in case i forget)
the day you no longer write poetry
inspired by me,
the day you no longer want to grow up and start a life in the city together,
grow old and live out one life together.
i dread the absence
of my name in your mouth,
your cologne in my sheets,
my clothes on your floor.
i dread the day
i no longer know you.
-a.c.b

you may think i look like a dream
but baby you're the best one i've ever had.
-a.c.b

no amount of drugs
could have ****** me up as bad
as you did.

why does everyone want to live within the
halo of their love?
why is their future lover going to be
a golden angel, light coming off of them
in tsunamis?
i do not want him to be my Savior,
i'd be just as content with an angel of darkness,
darling would you like
to be my angel of darkness?
with those jagged edges i know
i know
you are ripped and torn in all the wrong places,
have been told so many times
you are an outcast.
but in my universe,
you are my anti-Savior,
my plot twist in "forever and always."
i want to bask in your darkness,
drink the ebony night from goblets of
the coal we walk on.
i want to swallow bits of midnight
that come alive within ourselves and
escape through the raven clouds to tell
our love story.
be my angel of darkness.

all i ask for
is a little effort
in return.

it's true, what i said...
the way you look at me
makes me feel like
i am enough.
-a.c.b

the universe's tendency to fall apart,
but you are my universe
...so i guess it makes sense.

i can’t get rid of you,
feel the ghost of your fingertips on every inch of my body,
smell your cologne on my pillow case,
the musky scent whispering its way into all my dreams,
which all seem to be about you.
i taste you on my lips,
over and over again my body rejects food
rejects anything that
doesn’t taste like you.
i hear your voice on an endless loop in my head,
both the beautiful lies you spun into me
and the abusive, muddy words
you hurled at me like knives.
but the worst,
the very worst,
is i still see you in everything,
everywhere,
in everything.
everyone.
you will never leave me,
won’t take yourself out of me,
out of my life.
you won’t leave me alone,
won’t let me move on and forgive myself.
i hate you enough to hate myself for loving you.

staring at my smile
cracking in the mirror
wondering if i could save myself
if my mind was a little clearer

it's like i'm driving through the fog
with my high-beams on
spiraling into the same long night
to the tune of our song.

i've always been a little too used to
people saying there's always there
then picking up the phone and only being greeted
by the same empty air

but with him i hoped would be different--
my angel, ripped and scarred
fell for him unconditionally
a little too fast and a little too hard.

he suffers from the same
lack of happiness as do i
drowning in sweaty cotton sheets
as the flashbacks start to cry.

but while he's off fighting
his own demons' shrine
i'm left there alone because
he's got no time for mine

it's day 10 of this madness
and i'm worn down to the bone
it's late here and i can't do this anymore
just thought you should know

that if you're going to stay in my life
you have to put in the time
to talk me down from this ledge
every
****
time.
-a.c.b

you are my morning, my evening,
and my night
my everyday love
my hate, my spite.
you are the birds that sing
up in the trees
with that look on your face that
brings me to my knees
you are my weakness, my lover
my passion every night,
every nightmare, every kiss
every makeout and fight.
you are the sky that sets aflame
at 9 in the afternoon
i see an imprint of your smile
in the milky, dusty moon.
i’m in love with every smirk, every
moan and every sigh,
in love with the way i can see my future
reflected in your eyes.
-a.c.b

in any kind of relationship- friendship or romantic or otherwise, one of the few things i ask for is honesty. if you're gonna be honest with me, then i'll show you that same courtesy now: i'm pretty sure i like you. in all honesty, the "pretty sure" is a safety net in case you turn me down, in which case i can say "oh, i wasn't 100% there anyways," and then go eat a whole pint of Ben & Jerry's and cry until i'm over it. over it, and you. so yes, i like you, and i'm 100% there and 100% ready for you to break my heart. the former was a joke. but yes, i love that you're sensitive and love rom-coms and listen to smooth jazz and write ******* screenplays in your spare time and you don't think my writing is lame (in fact, you kinda love it) and you're not afraid to disagree with me and tease me and you're the perfect balance of sweet and smooth and oh god you're gonna break my heart, aren't you? we're taking it slow, and i'm warming up to the idea of you, the idea of your presence in my life and, i must say, you would be a nice decoration on my life's walls. so although you won't read this i need you to know that      
i like you.
-a.c.b

my days are too long,
my mind and heart are tired.
any will or hope to keep pushing
has long since expired.

you promised never to make me cry;
promised never to say goodbye.
you stared me down with eyes so blue
and painfully said, "i bid you ado."

and i thought at night that you'd come home
but as i sat, compulsively, checking my phone
i realized- it's true, you're finally gone,
tired of singing my sad broken song.

so i turned to the bottle to wash down my pain,
but it didn't succeed in numbing my brain.
when i closed my eyes i only saw you,
staring me down with eyes so blue.