i spin for you,
like a record on replay
i spin,
music filling the air around me in such a way
i could reach out and grab
each
singular
note.
i’ve always resented songs on replay,
the monotony of the same voice
saying the same thing
for an eternal loop.
but baby i could sing along
to the sound of your laughter, all day
because for some reason it’s a song
i already know all the words to.
in any case our love
is music to my ears, every
note
melody
symphony
even the screams are
a cacophony of passion, pain,
permanent feelings
no one could ever stop playing.
don’t tell me our love anything but beautiful.
our song says otherwise.

you look like Christmas morning.
-a.c.b

it's hard to focus on your distant image
with his so clear in front of me,
growing stronger by day
yes, you are still in my mind
but my brain seems to like him more--
playing image after image of his chestnut hair
and sweet smile,
kind words and warm hugs
while your curly hair and crooked teeth
are only played
when your name shows up on my phone.
yes, my brain likes him better
but the real question is
how does my heart feel?

she thought she knew what she wanted.
oh foolish girl,
she just wanted the love,
the attention
that accompanied his words,
her own responses trickling down her chin
until she realized
this wasn’t her.
since when had she let
a boy’s disrespect get her down?
let his words bully her into becoming someone she’s not?
foolish girl, i don’t care
just how much you are in need of a partner.
he is not the one.

don’t let them tell you your eyes are ordinary.
darling,
they are anything but.
your eyes are honey as it blends with liquid copper,
hardening when you feel the pain of the world
but melting when you look at him.
they are the smell of the earth right before a thunderstorm,
hard packed soil and dusty fingerprints.
they are mahogany oak
as the lightning cracks a tree in half
and the rings are exposed for the world to see.
those orbs are the sleek finish on a violin,
its chords slicing through empty air with notes brimming with emotion,
emotions that’s reflected in your eyes.
it’s all reflected in your eyes
so don’t you dare let them tell you
your eyes are ordinary.
they are anything but.

we’ve struggled a bit
these past five years,
but we haven’t quit-
through the pain and the tears.
through the darkness and sorrow,
secrets & firsts,
the hope of every tomorrow
helps melt away the hurt.
through feelings like pastel
and feelings like charcoal
you made life feel less like Hell
and me feel more whole.
cause you know some days i’m lacking,
pieces missing from my dome,
the days i feel like just packing
up and going home.
the days i’m afraid to look in the mirror
cause i might not recognize what i see,
you’re there to quell my fear or
just be there for me.
so thanks for all the lovely moods
and words that build me towers,
you’re the one person i know who’s
most deserving of flowers. :)

for you,
anything.

i feel the pain scraping at the inside of your organs;
i will heal you with my words,
bloom poems from your shattered bones.
i will plant gardens within the fertile depths
of your beautiful mind, a little dusty
a little *****
but
flowers make everything better, is what you told me
so i will pick you flowers from every bush i find
until my hands are rubbed raw from the coarse vines,
until my fingers are bleeding
from all those unassuming thorns, i will shower you
in the love you've never felt, with the love i always feel
but sometimes forget to share with you.
i will paint you with my words
until you can only see the true beauty you radiate,
until you can only see the poetry running through your veins.

for you,
everything.
-a.c.b

it's not something i can exactly pinpoint,
but more the fact that
in a stadium full of 500 screaming peers,
i've never felt more alone.
even making brief eye contact with you, smiling,
then looking away
didn't alleviate the pain ebbing through me now.
it's not something i can exactly put my finger on,
but more the fact that
you were standing so close to her,
talking, laughing
while i stood rows below
loneliness wrapped around me,
even as my friends stood next to me, shoulder to shoulder.
i know you're not mine,
but you're not the only one who gets a little jealous.
it's not something i can exactly pinpoint,
but more the fact that
it's a little too dark tonight.
-a.c.b

the words aren't building right,
the syllables are off and
it doesn't sound right,
no
sad isn't the word,
it's so much more,
blue isn't the right color
nothing is rhyming and i'm
running out of time
and why is it sometimes so hard to write?

i have to control the
redhot rage coursing through my veins,
all because
a few short words leaked out of your mouth.
why does it matter
how much you yearn to touch me
if i am not comfortable?
why do you have any right to dictate
my decisions,
about my body,
just because it’s been so long
since you’ve tasted anyone?
don’t tell me you care about my feelings,
don’t tell me you just want me to be comfortable,
if you really cared
you would give me all the time i need.

how is it possible to miss someone
i’ve never met before?

i’m worried that
i will think i’m over you,
i’ll be carefree moving on,
and then you’ll smile at me.
you’ll touch my lower back,
or you’ll fix my hair
or grab my hand
or pick me up
or call me beautiful
or tell me you love me and
i’ll fall
all
over again.
i’m worried that
i’ll spend my whole life
getting over you.
-a.c.b

sorry to bother you but
my belly kind of hurts,
i think it's because i miss you a little
(or a lot)
and i pinky promise
i'm only using the seventh Weasley brother as a distraction.
sweetheart,
do you remember the lovely boy
i met a while ago?
he looks exactly like you but
my love, his eyes shined brighter.
...how could i have let him get away?

give me a bottle of cheap whiskey
a pile of unread books
and a flickering lightbulb
and i will show you my idea of
a good time.

give me the summer of ‘16
a bottle labeled perfume
and a white, empty canvas
and i will heat you glass out of sand.

give me a plane ticket and passport
an old rickety suitcase
and an Italian dictionary
and i will show you the world.

give me a worn leather journal,
a bleeding ballpoint pen
and my olive-skinned muse
and i will write you the universe.
-a.c.b

hello, old friend,
it's been a while.
i forgot what it was like
to see you smile.
like the Heavens opened up
and stardust rained down,
my luck of finding you...
i don't know how.
you grab my waist and pull me in,
your lips touch mine
through the obsidian wind.
hello, old friend,
i've missed you some,
your eyes help melt away
some of the numb.
which is funny, i know,
since they're glaciers themselves.
but they've melted my heart
since the time we were twelve.
but, old friend,
not much has changed? every strike of the clock
you take my breath away...
the key to my lock.
a feat not easy,
when my aura is as dark as it is.
i long for the day
i will again taste your lips.
hello, old friend,
it's been a while.
thanks for reminding me
what it's like to smile.

my mind burns
as your name is branded on the delicate tissue
once,
twice,
my tongue is sour
with the absence
of you.

she wore her sadness like a cape,
                                                           ­ her audacity like a veil.

she knew that in his eyes,
                                                           ­ she'd never be his grail.

so she spun her crown of misery
                                                          ­  and disassembled her throne,

and went in search of herself
                                                         ­   for her new heart is her home.

and to this day she's never looked behind;
                                                         ­   he is simply a part of her past.

because now she knows when things are wrong,
                                                          ­  they are never built to last.

and then i said
"goodnight, darling, i'm going to bed.
but oh how i wish
i were in yours."
-a.c.b

yes, loving you
was a mistake but
never has guilt tasted so good
until
"hello" was painted across your lips.

he said
you are so gorgeous in the way
you write yourself on paper,
i've never met anyone
to paint with words.
he said
the birds sing your praises
in the early morning sun,
the dew still heavy on blades of grass.
he said
i have never seen such beauty
grace my irises of green,
never known the word perfect
until i told him my name.
he said
you
        are
                my
                        universe.

he is a map of constellations in my mind,
shining brighter than the North Star
and more superior than the entire Milky Way.
boy, you are
my entire universe.

i know i’m still damaged.
broken, even.
i know i’m still healing, or
have yet to heal,
or i still need help but
in this salty air,
in this beautiful country,
i feel okay
for the first time in a
long time.
i feel okay.

there are so many of you
that i would love to sit down with;
maybe over a milkshake and a plate of fries;
and just talk.
i want to ask you about the boy that hurt you,
about the anger you feel deep inside
over a father who said he’d come back...
and then didn’t.
i want to run with you through pages of words and say
“oh that’s right, what a lovely metaphor.”
i want to see all your smiling faces and
thank each and every one of you for showing me kindness,
for saving my life.
i want to collaborate on novels of poetry
and laugh with you through the tears of our pasts.
so until we sip those milkshakes and eat those fries...
thank you, to
some of the most beautiful people i have never met.

it's a good thing i don't share my writing with you
because if i did,
you'd see that
you
are the boy with the ocean eyes and
i
am not really okay.

i know some of you have messaged me about creating other poetry accounts so... wanted to let y'all know i made an instagram account (@acb_poetry) and it would mean the world to me if you could check it out! i'm trying to get my poetry to gain some publicity and momentum so i can share my words with a bigger audience. thanks for always supporting me :)

-a.c.b

i never catch you staring at me
but i guess it's when i'm not looking,
when i'm turned away or
gazing out the window,
singing my favorite song.
oh darling,
i've never thought of myself being as beautiful
as the way my name is typed on your keyboard,
but i guess my brass hair
can shine in the sun.
oh beloved,
there is so much for you to learn,
so much time for you to decide
that i'm too much.
but let's not be naive, honey, okay?
boy,
of course i know it's about me.

my lips are soft lips.
buttery, smooth
the color of ballet slippers.
they smirk
and they pucker
and they curve up on the sides
when i'm trying not to laugh.
my lips are sealed lips.
they do not repeat secrets,
no, these lips are trustworthy lips.
they are still glued shut,
not letting me say the things i want to say, need to say...
there's a reason my poetry
is written down,
not spoken aloud.

his lips are soft lips.
buttery, smooth
the color of pink carnations.
they smirk
and they pucker
and they curve up on the sides
when he's trying not to laugh.
his lips are healing lips.
they heal mine, heal me
when my lips are too tired from telling the same lies i always do.
no, his lips are honest lips.
they are still always candor,
never afraid to tell me
what i need to hear,
whispered in my ear.

our lips are galaxy lips.
when they touch,
even the stars don't know what to do so they explode,
supernovas shattering the Earth,
as the Sun and Moon collide
in a cacophony of stardust.
our lips
are astronomical lips.
-a.c.b

you are happiness-
like ice cream on a hot day,
green lights when running late,
new countries & new friends.
you are comfortable like a rainy Sunday afternoon,
smooth legs & soft sheets,
the sweet scent of a newly-lit candle.
i know it's early but
you make me feel safe
and i could get used to your arms being my second home.
i think of the feeling of your warm hand on mine
and that is what i feel-
home.

this moment, here
laying with you
face buried in your neck
your arms wrapped all around me
will never
ever
be enough.
forgive me for being greedy,
but i'm a bit of a homebody
and your arms are my home;
baby if you love me
don't let go.
-a.c.b

hand shaking
decision making-
poor as always
i am mistaken
fell for the wrong one,
words slipped from my tongue
without a second thought
i'm coming undone.
"think before you speak,
you're individually unique"
but how do you love yourself
when your heart's always asleep?
dreaming about pain,
the never-ending rain,
help me please don't
let my words be in vain.
i'm trying to love you from far away
but i'm struggling to get through my day
without your eyes in my life
god i don't know what else to say.
distracted with another,
you're still my favorite lover
but i'm tired of all this
treating you like my brother.
everything is falling gray
no one will actually stay
despite how much i beg
"please don't let it be this way."
i deceive and i lie
without a reason to oblige,
talk me down from this ledge...
stop telling me goodbye.

first you need to pick a red flag of a boy.
make sure he's got beautiful eyes,
and a smile you can write poetry about.
actually,
make sure he is poetry--
find metaphors in his dimples and
similes in his crooked teeth.
the catch is, he can't be a good one.
he must have a tragic flaw,
something your friends can't stop pointing out to you.
for now, ignore those warnings and just focus on him--
talk to him whenever you can,
think about him,
write about him.
become drunk off his voice and imagine what his lips taste like.
fill your daydreams with phantom thoughts of him,
months & months flying by until
you can't imagine life without
the beautiful boy in the grey sweater.
now remember--
you're not actually with him yet,
yes
this builds the suspense
makes you wonder
if you'll ever actually taste his lips.
so keep your comfortable distance,
give him time
to make up his mind
if he wants to date you.
yes,
you've heard how he is with other girls,
you've heard what he's done to their ****** hearts
but oh never
could this boy do these horrendous things
he's too pure
says all the right things
but oh always
is the question banging in the back of your skull, now you MUST
give into those urges,
do it
feel it
ask it, ask him if he's
ever
going
to love you.
but you'll wish you hadn't,
because the hesitation will already be out of his mouth
before you can take it back,
his next words along the lines of:
"i thought we'd maybe just
have some fun together, if you know what i mean"
and the broken angel he's been hiding from you
for months,
the monster your friends have been warning you about
for months
will finally be brought to the light.
and that splitting pain of betrayal will come flooding in--
i'm telling you
this is a surefire way
to break your own heart.
-a.c.b

1.  ?
2.  ??
3.  ..???
4. ...
5. you don’t.

i guess you never know
when you've gone too far,
you take & you take & you take,
and you break my self esteem and god i want
to hate you so bad,
but i never write about you so i guess my words mean
i care too much,
or not enough, or somewhere in between.
the lines of my heart are blurring with
the ones in my head, because
sometimes i even think i want you
(i know-- crazy, right?)
but i am a wildflower and you-
you are the hurricane trying to stamp me into the ground.
i told you i can take a joke
but it's raining a little too hard this time.

no one has made me scream color like you,
my petals unfolding and hues brightly painted across my face.
i used to be the raven sky but
now i am the pastel sunrise, i blossom
into something i never thought i could be.
your love has grown me,
changed me,
broken me out of my chrysalis.
baby i
bloom for you.

it's true--
i don't love you anymore.

but sometimes i catch your eye between waves in the surf,
that same ocean blue i've always known

like summers by the beach, you are long forgotten like my childhood,
days and nights spent drinking the stars

i will never forget what they taste like
i will never forget what you taste like.

it's true--
i don't love you anymore.

i am with another,
he is more than you ever could have been for me but

why do i still crave your inadequacy?
he is my whole galaxy, his beauty is unmatched and

oh how he makes me feel but
why am i still dreaming about you?

i don't love you anymore-- i promise,
we moved on so long ago i forget what goodbye sounds like

i'm lying.
i could never forget the way you said that,

like it took the strength of a million tsunamis to just
keep it together but oh i don't love you anymore!

it's what i've been trying to say i'm sorry but sometimes
the emotion in my own words gets so caught in my throat

i forget how to breathe because
i still see your eyes between the waves.
-a.c.b

i used to dream in black and white,
grays blending together the scenes that
spin spin spin
until i can't differentiate black from white.
i dreamt about shriveling flowers and endless hallways
and never being able to scream;
and then i met you.
suddenly i was dreaming in color,
a luxury i thought would never come to fruition,
flowers popping and life breathed back into trees.
i never knew how beautiful it was to have someone hold you at 3am,
to kiss your bruises and tell you your scars are angelic
even though the way you acquired them isn't.
i never knew how beautiful it was
to dream in color.

i had a dream about you
and, while it worried me that even
my subconscious likes the feeling
of your name swirling in my mind,
i still feel your phantom lips on mine,
the ghost of your fingers
tracing shapes on my rib cage
and, although we’ve never touched like that
i couldn’t help but feel
how right it was,
how we fit like two
magnetic puzzle pieces,
how i would give anything
to have that feeling again.
-a.c.b

noi eravamo giovani e bella,
molto vita avanti.
ricordo la prima volta ti ** visto,
e ero non impressionata.
ma i tuoi occhi,
cosi tanto blu,
cosi tanto blu.
abbiamo iniziato come amici,
ma l'estate era bella e
le tue parole li avevamo troppo dolce.
prima ** conosciuto
eri la mia ogni cosa.
il mio sole, le mie stelle, la mia luna.
il ragazzo con i cobalto occhi.

there’s just something about the way
you say you love me
that makes me feel like
i can’t live without you.
-a.c.b

i can feel your tangible thoughts
ebbing through the phone i know
you’re hurting, i know
there’s nothing i can do but
here we go again with my overthinking
and my mind running
untamed, unchecked
you’re so ******* unpredictable but
god you’re so enigmatic i want nothing more
than to run my fingers along your jawline
please stop hurting
you are far too special
to be so alone.
-a.c.b

i’m a poet, so
of course you think
my pain is beautiful.  
when compared
to a bleeding rose
what isn’t?
-a.c.b

it's when i think i'm getting better that
i realize i'm not.
-a.c.b

it's just that sometimes when your name shows up on my phone
i get too excited
and whenever i think of the word blue
i think of your eyes
and whenever i read those dumb paragraphs on instagram
i firstly think of you
and so i guess i'm over you in a way that means
i'm so
totally
not.

i'm trying hard to
believe in love but
i held my sister while she
fell apart in my arms because
her lover of eight months suddenly told her that
he didn't love her anymore,
and i'm not sure how many times i can stitch her back up
before the cuts are too deep
to be sewn.
i'm trying hard to
believe in love but
my best friend has had her heart broken
too many times to count,
feeble-minded fuckboys or
temperamental tantrums because
she didn't love them back and they decided to
cut all ties.
never once did she get an apology.
i'm trying hard to
believe in love but
every single one of my past
flirtationships
have ended in loss
one way or another,
him or me-- it doesn't matter how
because
i'm still alone.
i'm trying hard to
believe in love but
in a world like this,
it's hard to hold onto something
so fleeting.

i told my therapist about you,
not because you ******* me up
(well, that too)
but because i can't not talk about you,
because i love the way your name tastes on my tongue,
because the words i spin almost conjure you into existence.
she asked why i brought you up,
she asked what your importance was to me and i said
he is my happiness.
she frowned,
slightly shook her head,
and told me that i should not like
the way your name tastes on my tongue.

my pen threw up ink on the first word i wrote,
an ugly mark smeared
halfway down the thick, cream-colored page.
looking at that inkblot i heard
a reflection of myself,
identified as that smudge for
one reason or another,
maybe the fact that
my entire identity as a whole is
based off of others interpretations of me
or the fact that
i am always a mess;
when people look at my life from a birds-eye view
i am a figure only barely discernible
from the chaos
or maybe because
people only use me as a fun party trick,
like a horoscope, an arguing matter,
a novelty,
something that’s thrown away
and tossed aside
when its duty has already
been performed.
whatever the reason,
i think i am beautiful among the madness,
despite whatever it is you see
when you look at me.

i've wasted my youth
doing stiff things with stiff people,
a life so destitute of spontaneity
god i want to do everything
with you,
our mouths brimming with poetry
and eyes wild for adventure,
the insatiable wanderlust
to find each other, to find ourselves
alongside the one we love the most
i want to fall
into the unknown with you,
in love with you
break out of the confining four walls keeping me
in the box i've always been in;
salmon skies screaming our names
dusty roads waiting to be driven down
i have found
my ever after in you
i just want to live a life i'm proud of
when i'm 99 years old looking back on my life
looking back at this moment, lying here with you
what
would i change?
my love, i ask of you
what
would you change?
-a.c.b

baby it's not that i don't love you
or don't see a future with you
it's just that
the thought of ever not knowing you
makes me want to fling myself off a cliff-
my love,
these tears streaming down my face right now is just my way of saying
i love you so much it hurts
so please
don't say i don't care
i just care so much
i sometimes forget to show it.
-a.c.b