I really want to **** myself,
do you know what I want more?
For somebody to notice that I'm feeling this way,
For somebody to do something.
For somebody to actually care about me.

I once knew a girl,
A girl who loved to write,
she'd write poems, books, anything.

She's loved to write,
soon though she realized she wasn't a good writer,
so she started writing in red.
Red ink on the page,
the page that was her wrist,
her thighs,
her stomach.

I miss the girl who wouldn't write in red.

I'm saying goodbye,
goodbye to the pain,
goodbye to the anger,
goodbye to the hate.

I'm not going to **** myself,
I'm going to change,
for the better maybe.
All I know is that I hate the way I am,
and I don't know how to change,
Can you help me?

I remember your eyes,
How they sparkled when I made a joke,
How they crinkled around the edges when you laughed.

I remember your laugh,
How happy it made me,
How you'd slowly stop laughing then abruptly start laughing again.

I remember your hands,
How they molded with mine perfectly,
How you'd wring them together when you were nervous.

I remember you,
I hope you remember me.

I miss you.
I miss your eyes,
the way they crinkled when you laughed.
I miss your lips,
the smile that was always on them.
I miss your hands,
the way they fit perfectly with mine.
I miss your nose,
the way it scrunched.
I miss you, so, so, so much.
Do you miss me?

Am I always going to be in her shadow?
Am I always going to be somebody's second choice?
Am I always going to feel this way?
Am I always going to make mistakes?
Am I always going to do stuff so that my parents don't trust me?

What did I do to deserve this?
To feel this way?
I don't like this feeling.
I hate feeling this way.
I hate feeling like I want to **** myself, or that I don't deserve anything, or that I am a mistake. I hate it.

Emotions are as consistent as the ocean's waves
You won't survive unless you learn to go with them
If you try to fight the waves
You'll end up drowning
Drowning in the ocean
The ocean of sadness, depression, anger,
I'm not going to drown
I'm going to swim,
I'm going to survive

there was a girl,
surrounded by others,
laughing and joking with them everyday.
until one day,
they left her.
now she laughs and makes jokes alone,
but it isn’t the same.

get up
brush your hair, brush your teeth
go to work
get home and sleep
get up
brush your hair, brush your teeth
go to work
get home and sleep
get up
brush your hair, brush your teeth
go to work
get home and sleep
get up
brush your hair, brush your teeth
go to work
get home and sleep
when will the pattern end?
all i want is to not get up
lie down and just, lay
not be responsible to go to work
not have to put effort in the way i look
i just want to barely exist