I made a cocktail.
It's 40% tears,
30% despair,
20% regret,
and 9% doubt.
There's a hint of hope somewhere in there also.

And I'm getting drunk tonight.

With my teeth clenched,
And eyes shut tight,
I let my knife dictate my future.

Fear.
We all feel it, but we all don't want to.

Do you think Satan has fears?
Does God?
What is there that can scare God?
And if there proves to be something that fears God,
what's the chance that I too don't fear it?

Some say they don't have any fears,
that any sense of terror doesn't harm them.
I laugh at these people.
The only time they can't feel fear is that one time,
that one special time,
they're laying,
cold,
dead,
alone,
six feet in the ground.
A simple figment of history.
Their lack of worries won't matter.
It won't.
It doesn't even matter now.

We all fear death;
Some more than others.

It came to me tonight;
Today would be the day.
No longer would I suffer,
no longer would I feel pain.
With ambition I climbed on top of the chair,
finally ready.

I mustered my strength,
I did what I could
Just to have you.

And now that I have you,
I've nowhere to start
on what to do?

I dreamt forever,
A life together.
But now I woe.

You appear not happy
Being beside me,
so I let go.

I don't feel the same love as before
I don't smile when i see you anymore
I used to show up to dates early
I used to make strange jokes to seem quirky
I used to act perky when i was hurting
because you were flirting
with some other guy and i was worried

you don't feel the same love as before
You don't make time to see me anymore
you've started to flake where you used to be late
texting me it must've been something you ate
then i saw you that same evening at dinner eating
with that guy and you were beaming
I couldn't believe in what I was seeing.
Because you, who gave me meaning, a reason for living, were cheating.
I had trouble breathing
and then suddenly i was fleeing the scene and I was screaming and beating myself until i was bruised and I was bleeding.

We don't feel the same love as before,
I got complacent and you got bored,
while i was still sore from what i just saw
I called you over just to show you the door,
and I'm sure I don't want to see you anymore

I fell so in love with a girl like you,
She talked to me when I was feeling blue.

Feels so long ago, when she smiled at me,
Thinking of her, she’s like a fantasy,

To me, reality couldn’t compare,
The thought without her, I just couldn’t bear.

So most every moment was torment,
You never understood what it meant.

Nothing else mattered, just her, don’t you see?
But then I became the worst kind of me…

Forgetting all my sorrows,
dismissing all my hate.
Permitting all my desires,
to discover my fate.

With a steady hand,
and an easied mind,
I let my pen lead me
to the future I'll find.

I want to do something like I mean it,
but I only ever believe something if I seen it.

I want to say something nobody has ever heard,
but how? Everybody's using the same words.

I want to feel like I'm more than nothing,
but I've never even done anything.

I want to live without any regrets,
but I know what all that wanting gets.

I need to stop only sitting and wanting,
But trying to change is so daunting.