I kept you around because you knew me,
You knew my story,
My background,
The trauma,
The meaning behind tired.
What I forgot was that I gave you that privilege,
The chance to stay even after the door had been locked,
The opportunity to hold me close when all you did was let me go and watch me come right back,
Like the bright red yo-yo you had when you were a kid.
I had forgotten I had given you a right to see me at my weakest,
Me.
I did that.
There was a time before you,
When I knew no such thing as a hand wrapped around my throat in your tight fist when fists were made for Rock-Paper-Scissors,
When scars were thrown across my body when I thought scars were from battle wounds earned by soldiers fighting for a country they loved,
There was a time when a man hitting a woman never crossed my mind,
That only happened in dramatic movies and horror films.
You,
You gave me a reason to open my eyes to see the world in a way that I thought I would never have to look in but I guess,
Thanks.
Thank you for the caution that I have adopted into my life,
Thank you for darkness I can hide myself in when I feel unsafe,
Thank you for the heartbreak,
For the chance to understand that pain exists in the world,
A world I never knew and would not have been able to survive in because I was too gentle.
I was delicate,
My skin only flushed when it reached embarrassment and not with shamefulness,
I was untouched in a way only God could understand but even now,
My faith shakes in the light that points into my face when I am being questioned by my alter ego.
Convincing myself,
Persuading,
It was what I had wanted, right?
Because how do you let someone stay after purple kisses are given to you by their fists,
How do you let someone climb into your body unwillingly if you were stripped numbly by their hands and you were too frozen to object.
You must have wanted it,
Right?
To the ex lover I will never run back to.