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 Oct 2014 Tina Marie
Xan Abyss
I am not a hero
But could I be the villain?
Constantly I ask myself if I know what is right
I see the cruelty of god, and the damage of lost hope
And pray that I am not the one to bring about our destruction

Some days I wonder, am I in the right?
Is my behavior justified, do I walk in the light?
Or am I the crazy one, the enemy, the threat
Could my inner darkness really cause another death?

For I am not a hero
But could I be the villain?
Am I truly capable
Of unspeakable evil?
These are the things I need to know,
But not the ones I want to.

The Antagonist of the Greater Piece
Is the hero of his own journey
But could my happy ending be
The End of All Eternity?

The Monster becomes a mirror
And in the darkness I can see us clearer
When my reflection changes shape
Into a nightmare of disgrace
I begin to find my way
Back into my darkest state

And a hero I may never be
But could I be the enemy?
Could my happy ending be the end of all eternity?
Ever wonder if you're the devil and you just haven't figured it out yet?
 Oct 2014 Tina Marie
Xan Abyss
She drank too much but I didn't give a ****
I had a raging hardon that needed expert attention
And she worshipped my ****
But said it was too much
Yet... couldn't seem to get enough
She had a 4 year old who she despised
Cuz her face was a constant reminder
of an old mistake
She said she hated condoms
That she didn't need them
I was so ******* stupid
That I knocked her up
She was so ******* crazy
I think she may have hated me
She got an abortion
It was a good decision
Otherwise I'd still be with her
And we would hate each other
Raising a child who would rather
Never have been born.
A little raw poetry about an ex.
 Oct 2014 Tina Marie
Xan Abyss
There I stood, a mere ghost in the wind
For 20 years of existence
My mothers love, a familiar thing to everyone but me

In the fall I recall the slaughter of 12 Coloradans
And the demon we made into a god
I remember the punch lines and funny signs mocking our early dead
I decided that I would find a way to go out with a bigger bang
And a larger body count, to make three times the fans

All the love and sympathy
Something she'd never given me
She would be the first and then
I'd see how many more I get
Before they finally caught up with me
And freed me from my misery

And in the end you'll have no choice
But to forever remember me
Sensationalist media
Will make me a celebrity.
Found this in my old iphone. It was dated Jan 21, 2013.
///

It is very easy to bear a child
when you are a good parent or not

It is also not too tough to write some words
when you are a good poet or not

But it is too tough for a parent to grow up   
their child as being a real man

As it is too tough for a poet to make
a meaningful poem with those words

Though either you are a very good parent
or a very good poet

///
@ Musfiq us shaleheen
too tough as being a real man or a poet and this the reality
All your wounds
are only routes announcing destination
small cracks giving structure
to your being.

You are not broken
that's only your light*
breaking the shell
*claiming its place in the world.
My first poem written in english (octubre 2014)
I tend to get stares... Looks... The occasional "are you gay?" With a quizzical look of disgust.
Well, to answer your question, no, I am not gay.
In a society built around judgment and stilted above common sense,
Being gay would mean that I'd have to find women utterly disgusting, flick my wrists, speak with funny and awkward inflections, right?
Do you think I speak with funny and awkward inflections?
Good! Because I'm so not gay.
Being gay would mean that I love to shop, well I hate it!
My fashion sense does not exceed that of a box of colorful crayola crayons melting away in the blistering Las Vegas sun because you see, I don't live in San Francisco, or New York,
or anywhere "gay" people live.
I am not gay.
Being gay would mean that I am immoral but I can assure you, moralistically speaking, that morals are what keep me routinely from listening to Lady Gaga, who I've heard, despite her catholic upbringing, is a devout devil worshiper and I sure as hell don't worship Satan!
Oh no, I am not gay.
My father once told me, in his manliest tone that if I ever became sweet
or my tank profusely filled with sugar
that he'd disown me and rid me of his home.
However last time I checked,
I don't have a tank
and one lick of my tanned brown skin would reveal that I am in fact quite salty!
Salty, as defined by Urban Dictionary, means to be ******.
Bitter. Angry.
Well father, there aint nothing sweet about my wrath.
I'm infuriated.
I'm angry not because I'm not able to fulfill the holistic criterion society has built in order to be gay,
No, I am more upset that there is actually a set of rules dictating whether or not someone is gay.
Now listen to me when I tell you,
I am not gay
I am not gay because I have yet to inject myself of substances with an unsterile needle for all purposes of getting high.
No, I have yet to discover my last ****** partner was diagnosed with *** and that I may very well have the virus.
No, I have yet to interiorly decorate my bedroom with the warm crimson fluid that is my blood because some punk at school thought it was cute to label me a queer.
I have yet to be gay because being gay in today's society means I am reckless. I am promiscuous. I am a *******.
Well, guess what society,
I am not gay.
I am, in fact, a man, who is not your personal show dog for your fashion approval that you can tote around in some cute Gucci bag.
I am a man, who can still appreciate the beautiful magnificence that is a curve when he sees one no matter the person's gender.
I am a man who, despite what you may be expecting,
is a man who, no matter how hard you try to box me in a confined image,
is a man who, will fight to freely be in love with who he wants to be in love with,
who is a man who is not gay
but a man who loves men.
I am not gay.
..
Totally gay.
 Oct 2014 Tina Marie
ern kingham
I remember the first time someone explained to me what the word gay meant.
We were in middle school
Playing on the swing set behind Stoy Elementary
"He’s so gay," she said
Bitter disgust poured out of her mouth with every syllable
I could not think as to why being happy could be such a horrible thing
And so I asked
My exact words being
“Whats so wrong with being happy?”
Now both my friends looked at me weird
“Don’t you know what gay means?”
“Doesn’t it mean to be happy?”
“You’re such a little kid, gay does not mean happy. Gay is a boy who likes another boy”
I stood there wondering why it mattered so much that a boy liked another boy;
why it was such a distasteful thing.
And why it meant gay couldn’t still mean happy.
 Oct 2014 Tina Marie
Xan Abyss
She is the Devil
Standing in the Doorway
Constantly reminding me
of the Debt I've yet to pay
She looks like Heaven
Divine and Catastrophic
Hellcat and Rogue Apostate
Tells me,
"There's Hell to Pay."

Gotta find a way
Gotta get away
I'm in deep too and there's Hell to Pay

She is Satan in a Red Dress
and Six-Inch Stilletto Heels
Crimson-Colored Lipstick
With matching Sharpened Nails
Her Clawmarks in my Skin
Remind me every day
That my soul belongs to Her,
and there's still Hell to Pay

Gotta find a way
Gotta get away
I'm in too deep and there's Hell to Pay

She is the One Unholy
She is the Queen of Time
Her Love Burns on Eternal in the Furnace
of my Mind
My Spirit is her Claim
From now until the End of Daze
Ours are the Hearts of Evil
And still there's Hell to Pay

Gotta find a way
Gotta get away
Running outta days until there's Hell to Pay

Leviathan Cross
Forever in Her Flesh
Her Eyes, Ablaze with Hellfire
Gaze into the Abyss
No Matter how Savagely
I Ravage Her and Damage Her
She always Returns
for yet another Massacre.

Gotta find a way
Gotta get away
Running outta days until there's Hell to Pay
A little Faustian lust poem while everyone's still in the October spirit.
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