He writes poetry
But no one knows

He writes poetry
He writes about love
And loss

He writes about smiles
And frowns

He writes about sorrow
And forgotten towns

He writes about how lost he gets
Caught up in his own mind

He writes poetry to
And about others

But no one knows

Know one knows the depth of his soul
Because they all choose to see the exterior
And that exterior screams

Preppy
And preppy
Don't have souls

Or so they thought
Until the day he was consumed
By his own poetry

Normally
Cookies
Are seen as sweet
As something
For a child to enjoy
Or at least that's the stereotype

And normally
Wine
Is seen as bitter
And something
For grown ups to enjoy
Or at least that's the stereotype

But
Children are now drinking wine
And
Adults are eating cookies

Adults look the other way about the children
With wine

And children look the other way about parents
Eating cookies they can't have

Why have things turned around?

Why have things changed?

Maybe because the children saw adults
Using wine
To dull pain
And so they tried it
Even though the aftermath
Was also painful
It was less painful than the rest of the world

And maybe because parents realized that if they put *** in their cookies
The children would stop stealing
And sneaking them

But both have backfired

Because now the children have more problems than before

You have now left me

As I sit here fighting away more tears
I wonder
Do you remember all the things I wrote about you?
Do you remember the poem called You that I wrote?

You probably don't

Even though you left me today it feels like it was forever ago
For you seem so far away from me

Did you think about the fact that you come over early every thursday so you can get to youth?
Wether I'm coming or not?

You probably didn't

Now every time you come over
I will retreat
I will retreat to my bedroom
To the bathroom
Or out the door
So I can find somewhere quite to cry

Because your smile gave me life
Your gaze gave me butterflies

You are utterly beautiful in my eyes
But you don't see yourself that way

So you break
And then you leave me
Because 'you can't handle a relationship'
I understand
But my heart still shattered when I read those words

Tears instantly swelled my eyes and started to pour
Just like rain on a lonely night

Now tonight as I go lay in my bed
I will stare out my window
At the wall
Or the roof

Remembering your smile
Remembering your laugh
Remembering how safe I felt next to you
Pressed into you
And just near you

I will lay there as tears streak my cheeks
As I remember the way my heart would beat just at the sight of you
As I remember the way my heart would break when I saw the smile falter from your face

For I didn't want you to feel broken like me
Because you deserve to be happy

You are beautiful to me
And you always will be

Now as I sit here my thoughts will not leave you

If anyone asks for me to be theirs I will probably say no
And I probably will for many years

But if I say yes I will not truly love them
For I will forever remember when you were my puppy
And I was your kitten

"Hello" I say to you
(Hello) You reply

"How are you?"
(Drowning)

"What are you doing?"
(Fading away)

(Hello) You say
"Hello" I reply

(How are you?)
"I'm fine"

(What are you doing)
"Listening to music"

"Hello" I say to you
(Hello) You reply

"What makes you want to die?"
(The constant people who use me)

"What makes you want to live?"
(John and his love)

(Hello) You say
"Hello" I reply

(What make you want to die?)
"Lots I guess"

(What makes you want to live?)
"My stuffies"

"Hello" I say to you
(Hello) You reply

"How do you feel right now"
(I want to go away. Forever)

"What do you want?"
(Actual consistent love)

(Hello) You say
"Hello" I reply

(How do you feel right now?)
"I'm okay. Listening to music"

(What do you want?)
"Cuddles"

(Don't lie to me)
"I'm not"

(What do you want?)
"Love?"

(No)
"Okay"

(So?)
"I want to be free"

(I want to die please)
"I want to die please"

As you may see
They are both me
But the difference is
One is who you see

I feel as though I'm falling
With no real destination

I feel as though I'm falling
With no plan on where to land

I feel as though I'm falling
In mind
And it heart

I'm falling for you
And I'm falling out of this
But into that

I'm falling with no real destination
But away
And forward

I'm falling away
From the things
You say

I'm falling away
From the things
You do

I'm falling away
From the I love yous

I'm falling away
Because you tell me you love me
Even though your faith fell away

I'm falling away
Because even though you tell me you care
You're efforts have gone astray

I'm falling away
Because I feel as though
You're falling away
From me

On the other hand

I'm falling for him
For the things he says

I'm falling for him
For the things he does

I'm falling toward
A possible I love you

I'm Falling for him
Because even though there's no love
The faith seems to be there
and hopefully will stay

I'm falling for him
Because he shows me he cares
Even without the words

I'm falling for him
Because when he holds me tight
My heart feels warm

I'm falling for him
Because when he looks in my eyes
I feel seen

I'm falling for him
Because I feel as though
He's falling towards me

I'm falling
With no real destination
But up and away
Down and forward
Around and around

Until eventually my thoughts
Have me drowned

Alone
At 3AM
Under a bridge
Contemplating what life
Means to me

Alone
At 3AM
Under a bridge
Wondering why
It always has to be
ME

Alone
At 3AM
Laying on a swing
Wondering why
I cant just eat

Alone
At 3AM
Laying on a swing
Just thinking why
Did he have to touch
ME

Alone
At 3AM
Under a bridge
Hoping that you
Can make me feel

Alone
At 3AM
Hoping one day
You say you love
ME

ALONE
In my thoughts
Getting dragged down
And drowned

Why cant I eat?
Why cant I imagine anyone wanting me?
Why cant I sleep?
Why cant I stop thinking about what they did to me?

I want to fade away
Dissappear at 3AM
Somewhere far away
Somewhere I dont have to be

When I was three I thought there were monsters in my closet and under my bed
When I was three I had a dog and a dad, mom and brother who I loved and who loved me back

When I was six the monsters were no longer in my closet or under my bed
For now they were at the side of my bed in the crack between mattress and wall
When I was six my dog died and I cried for many many nights
My dad would yell and hit not only me but mostly my brother
My mom still loved him, my brother and me and I loved her and my brother

When I was eight we moved to a new town and now the monsters in the cracks had started talking to me and whispering sweet truth
When I was eight my dad no longer worked and now stayed at home
My mom worked two jobs and wasn’t there for me when I cried
If she was there when he hit us or yelled she would sit and watch in painful silence as warm tears cascaded our cheeks
My brother tried to do his best to be strong and nice but sometimes he would start fights
I wasn’t sure who my dad loved anymore if he loved anyone at all
My mom loved my dad, my brother and me
And I loved my brother and the cat we now had who adopted our family

When I was nine I started telling myself the demons were whispering lies
When I was nine my dad finally told me he loved me one night
But not in the way I thought he meant
So I thought everything would be alright
My mom now worked more hours and was barely home
My brother still tried his best but played with me less
My dad loved me, or so I thought
My mom loved my dad, my brother, me and our cat
I loved them all for that short little while

When I was ten the monsters were no longer just at the side of my bed, for now they were also in my head
When I was ten I realized what my dad did was wrong
School was now my favourite place even though I had no friends and the teachers weren’t fond of me
When I was ten I started to hurt myself in places no one would notice, for it was my only sweet relief in a life of horror and chaos
My dad now yelled and hit more but that was nothing compared to the showers and poisonous nights
My mom was barely home but if she got home soon enough, would bring us treats
I didn’t know how my brother was or how hard he was trying to be strong for I no longer cared very much
My cat or so I liked to call her was the only one who I thought loved me
My dad was heartless and a walking lie so I didn’t know if he was capable of love
My mom loved my dad, my brother, me and our cat
I loved the cat and all animals for I no longer knew how to love a person

When I was eleven I thought love was touch so I did things I shouldn’t

When I was twelve the demons were now only in my head
My dad still touched me and poisoned my mind
So much happened when I was twelve I can’t even begin to describe
My mom was now tired more often than not
I never showed anyone the real me for I was scared to let them see the broken girl I had come to be
I no longer accepted hugs and pushed everyone away eventually
My mom loved my dad, my brother, the cat, the dog we now owned and me
I loved nothing and no one for now I was too broke

Let’s skip a few years and lots of tears until we end up here at fourteen where I am now
I no longer live at home but with a friend
I still cut but less often for I am trying to stop
I don’t eat very much because I don’t like my body
My dad is dead to me
My mom is still with him and so is my brother
My mom loves my dad, my brother, the dog and me
No longer the cat cause she left not too long after me
I love shiloh and jordyn but I don’t yet love me
For I have been too scared throughout my ages.

I smile the most
When I want to
Cry

I laugh the most
When I want to
Die

I sit here
And I act playful
As we text

But deep down inside
My heart
And my hope
Have failed
And I lay here
Stuck in my head
Unable to leave this bed

I miss having more people
To hold me close
And cuddle
For now everyone
Makes it ******

I miss holding hands
With people
And going on adventures
But now everyone
Assumes that means
I want them

I do want love
And I do want someone to hold
But just because I cuddled you
Or held your hand
Or was goofy with you
It doesn't mean
You're the one I choose

A cuddle
Shouldn't turn
Into a ****

Holding a hand
Shouldn't turn
Into love

So why is that
What I always
Run into?

You weren't toxic
For once I found someone healthy
But of course the way I am ruins it

Every time I see a couple
My heart whisper
Nathaniel

Every time I see people cuddling
My heart whispers
Nathaniel

Every time I see people holding hands
My heart whispers
Nathaniel

Every time I hear people say I love you to each other
My heart whispers
Nathaniel

Every time I see people kissing
My heart whispers
Nathaniel

Every night as I lay awake
Alone
Wishing I had someone to hold me
My heart whispers
Nathaniel

Every time I listen to music
No matter the song
My mind wanders
And my heart whispers
Nathaniel

My heart whispers his name
Day in
Day out

It whispers his name
And it doesn't let me forget it

It will never allow me to forget

You tell me
You won't ever leave

But that's what everyone else said too
But then I ended up losing them
The way I don't ever wanna lose you

But hey if I do lose you
I'll be okay
Or at least that's what I'll tell myself
Before I fade away

So hey
You tell me you won't ever leave me
And you ask me to never leave you

But one day
I'll be afraid
Your drifting away

So I'll say goodbye
Before you can
Then I'll cry
Because of me
And not because of you

Because
If it's my fault
It'll hurt less

But if it's your fault
I'll wanna put you through a test

What test?
Well
Let's just say

If you leave I'm gonna test
How long can you last?
How long can you withstand my words?
How long until you falter under the words I speak?
How long until you can't stand me repeating the lies you said?
How long until you break?

Because I know just the right things to say
To make you fade away
The way you made me

So please don't leave me
Cause I don't wanna hurt you
But if you do
That's what I'll have to do

Questions here

Questions there

Questions in my head

Questions in my heart

Questions tearing me apart

About john

Then Paxton

Then others

John
Why don't you love me?
Why dont you want me?
Have I ever hurt you?
Am I too much?
Do you like them?
Why do you wanna do stuff with me?
Are you moving on?

Paxton
Will you always love me?
Are you losing feelings?
Why do you talk about others so much now?
Am I too clingy?
Am I too jealous?
Are you lying?
Why are you less honest?

To the others
Did you ever like me?
Why don't you ever talk to me anymore?
Now that I've left am I just a memory?
Do you see me or just my broken?
Am I a person or a scar and a cut?
Why don't you notice?

To myself
Why do you do this?
Why can't I eat?
Why can't I feel?
Why do I switch?
Why do I smile when I cry inside?
Why am I always pretending?
Why do I love so easily?
Whats wrong with me?
Leave me be

Consume me within you

As I walk through the dark
Through the gate of another world
Consume me within you

Wrap me in your pain
And consume me within your rage

You are my companion
And my worst fear

You whisper to me the lies people tell
Then turn around and whisper your own

You whisper to me the hate in peoples hearts
Then turn around and consume me within your own

Sometimes I wish for you to let me go
But without you
I feel as if I'm no one

Nonexistent

Like the smallest whisper carried by the wind
Could wisp my will away

So no
Don't go

Wrap me in the dark
And pull me into the darkest corners of reality
As you consume me
Within you

You broke me

You broke me with your words
And you broke me with your gaze

You told me you loved me
Then became distant for days

You broke me with your habits
And addictions

You took my heart
And wrapped it in flames

Maybe you thought that
Would warm it back up
But all it did
Was burn it apart
And now it's in ashes
So I can't fix it
Because

You
Broke
Me

Eternally

I make jokes

I don't make normal jokes though

The jokes I make are self deprecating

I call them jokes
But in reality they are how I really feel
They are my secret truth
The truth I have hidden away

You joke and say you are trash
I disagree then I say I am recycling
You don't get it
You ask me to explain
I say
"I am recycling because I get re-used"
You laugh and say good one
I laugh but on the inside
I know it's not really a joke

YOU

That's all I can think about
morning and day

YOU

Set my heart on fire

YOU

Make me feel warm everywhere

YOU

Ignite my feelings that I hid away

YOU

Are all that I can think about

You set my mind
My heart
My soul
And everything within
On fire

I sit here and I read old messages
And it sparks feelings
I never wanted to feel again

I'm scared of what you do to me
Cause the last time
The person completely broke me

I sit here and think of
YOU
And I smile
And I squeal
And my heart sets itself on fire

Whenever you cross my mind
My whole body feels ignited

Whenever you cross my mind
I can't think of anything else

YOU
YOU
YOU

And nothing else
Until the fire goes out

Do you ever just
Sit on the bathroom floor
Staring at the blades
Hoping someone will know
Maybe send a text that will save you
From bleeding tonight

Do you ever just
Lay in bed
Wondering where
Everything went so wrong
Wondering why you are so hard
To love

Do you ever just
Go for a walk
And wonder who else is
Walking around lonely
Wishing to run into another
So that maybe they can be the one
To save you from yourself

Do you ever just
Drown in music
Staring at the roof
The stars
Or the ground beneath your feet
And wonder how many others
Feel the way you do
Or if you're the only one
Whose at the limit tonight

Do you ever just
Wish to be on the moon
But with no air to breath
So that you can finally
Die in peace

Forgotten wishes
When we turn
Four

Forgotten dreams
When we turn
Six

Forgotten friendships
When we turn
Eight

Forgotten imagination
When we turn
Ten

Forgotten smiles
When we turn
Twelve

Forgotten crushes
When we turn
Fourteen

Forgotten love
When we turn
Sixteen

Forgotten stories
When we turn
Eighteen

Forgotten family
When we turn
Twenty

We forget
And we remember

Every new memory comes at a cost
For every memory gained
A memory is lost

The darkness is seeping in
Into my mind
Into my heart
And into my soul

It's taking my thoughts
So now they are no longer whole

They are broken
Fractured
Shattered
Seeping into nothing

They are being consumed by the darkness
Along with me

One day I will no longer be able to pretend
And everyone will see
The me I have kept hidden away

Depression
That is my name
I watch you from the shadows
I befriend you when I can break you
And then I leave when you can no longer stand to live
There are very few people who can push me away
I’m tired more often than not
I can’t stand others or the things they do
I don’t sleep for I am always planning my next attack
I eat just enough to survive
Not much more
This world feels like a domain of pain
I don’t dress with style
I wear oversized hoodies and trashed jeans
I rarely comb my hair for the effort is too much
I hide in the shadows therefore no one knows my name
This world is so dull
The only reason I stay is to break others
I sit in my room day by day other than when I’m at school tearing myself apart
I have forgotten the things other people teach me and the names of the people I have shattered
I never concentrate on anything but the broken
I don’t care for the people I break for I have become too numb
Nor do I feel pain
I think mostly about the way I’ll disappear and die
For that’s how I pass the time that was created to torture lost souls

Anxiety
That is my name
You know my cousin paranoia
I don’t let others close except for the few I cling to for they keep me from flying apart
I dread any interactions with people I don’t know know and sometimes even with the people I do
I watch my surroundings constantly searching for danger
I expect the worst for every situation
I can’t focus nor concentrate on anything for more than half the time
I’m always tense and I jump at hello’s for they make me anxious
Almost everything is highly irritating for everything calls for change
More often than not my mind blanks and I’m ****** into a whole different world
My heart is constantly pounding at the anticipation of fear
I am constantly sweating with a paralyzing terror
I get extreme headaches from even the smallest noises
I get stomach aches more than twice a day
I’m dizzy every second of every hour
Every day I wish to escape

Bipolar
That is my name
No one can ever anticipate how I’ll feel other than me
If even I do therefore no one wants to be my friend
Sometimes I burst out in anger and become dangerously aggressive for reasons not even I can place
Sometimes I place myself up high high high
Way above others
Some say I become overconfident for no reason at all
I don’t like how easily I can be made to cry or how easily with no explanation I become sad
No matter how much I sleep I feel more awake than I should even if I only sleep half an hour
Others call me uncharacteristically impulsive
Yet I don’t understand
They also call me moody and it makes me upset with either sadness or anger
I often become confused at even the smallest things
Rarely anything captivates my attention

DPD
That is my nickname
I automatically trust and cling to everyone I know
I don’t ever make my own decisions
No matter how many times someone hurts me I still go back to them
I never am mad at others
I always let everyone else win an argument against me for I believe I’m the only one who's wrong
I always manage to avoid taking responsibility for anything at all
I am never on my own
I’m always with someone I know
If I’m in a relationship that ends I completely shut down for a month or two
I don’t speak when this happens and I spiral down
Down
Down
Until I hit bottom  
People say I never have and never will be able to meet the things life demands for survival
They say I’ll die at twenty-five

Schizophrenia
That is my name
I never talk to anyone other than the friends I was born with
People call me hostile and suspicious
They say I react way too extremely to criticism
I never bathe or do things anywhere close to that for clean things burn my soul
People say I’m expressionless and emotionless for I am never smiling or frowning or showing emotion at all
I sleep whenever I’m not at school
Sometimes even when I am
I don’t ever remember anything except my friends names nor do I concentrate on anything but them when I’m not required to focus on my movement to class or home
Everyone calls me insane

Anorexia
That is my name
My friends are the models in magazines
People think I’m creepy looking because of how thin I am
I’m constantly losing weight
The rare time I got my blood checked the doctor said I had an abnormally low amount
I always skip P.E. for if I don’t I end up fainting
I often am dizzy
I have seizures every once in awhile
People say my nails are extremely brittle
I may die before eighteen  

Bulimia
That is my name
I have no friends for everyone whispers freak behind my back
I often stay in my room
I am constantly worried that I weigh too much so I stay away from mirrors to the best of my ability
I hate the shape of my body
People never go near me anymore
Not even my family

Insomnia
That is my name
I have no friends nor do I approach others for my brain is always too tired for interaction
I never sleep for my soul is always restless
I am always tired but I am unable to rest
I am extremely easy to irritate
People say I never pay attention or focus on the task at hand nor do I remember very much of anything
People say I make way too many mistakes and errors
I no longer go to school because my grades were never anything more than f’s
People say I’ll die homeless

PTSD
That is my nickname
I don’t talk to other people for everyone one way or another reminds me of my past
I often have extreme terrifying flashbacks of the things my soul has endured
I hate sleeping for all I ever have are nightmares that leave me paralyzed
I have become emotionally numb
I avoid a lot of places for most places are a reminder
I rarely am able to concentrate
I often feel extremely jumpy
Everything and everyone irritates me in one way or another and often anger me as well

Multiple personality disorder
That is my name
Sometimes people who I address as my friends call me Raven
Sometimes they call me acasia
Rarely they call me lilith
Although I can be all these people Raven is always waiting in the shadows whispering sweet truth
I often completely forget things and never remember them again
Sometimes I even forget my age
People say I am always severely distressed and don't function like a human
Maybe it’s cause my soul is a ghost

These people are far from repair and terrifying to most
But this is my circle of friends

I watch it flow
Off of my arm
Onto the floor
Or onto me

I watch it flow
As it mesmorizes me
And drowns out
The memories

Its beautifully red
Sweetly warm
And bitterly tasting

It soothes me deep within
Like no other person or thing
Could possibly match

It may be bad for me physically
But mentally its soothing

It calms me
Soothes my mind
And soothes my soul

But

I want to drown in it

I want to make sure there's enough
To make a pool
A puddle
Or to drain me
From within

I wanna be stained crimson
As I fade away
From this house
Where safety
Never existed

The time I had with you was the best I've had in awhile

You made me smile
Like no one else could

You made me laugh
Like no one else could

But soon it will be time for me to go
Time for us to part

I love you
More than anyone before

But soon it's time for us to part
Because long distance will tear us apart

It will ruin your heart
Because I'm not faithful in long distance

Because I will cheat
Not once
Not twice
But more than you would want to count

So it's time for us to part soon
Because long distance is too hard
And I don't want to shatter your heart

So I love you
And soon this will be goodbye

I have an obsession with
Black
White
Fuzzy
And playful
I have an obsession
With pandas

I have an obsession with
Melodies
Words
Lyrics
And flow
I have an obsession
With music

I have an obsession with
Paper
Pens
Meaning
And rhyme
I have an obsession
With poetry

I have an obsession with
Quirky
Wierd
Gay
And heart-felt
I have an obsession
With anime

I have an obsession with
Orange
Cuddly
Funny
And caring
I have an obsession
With auguste
And
His love

Come with me at midnight
Traverse an obstacle course
Leading to my heart
And into my soul

Come with me at 1
Run through the park
With no care in the world
But your hand in mine

Come with me at 2
Dance with me
In the middle of a field
Like only we exist

Come with me at 3
Tell me all the secrets
Your heart carries
And I'll tell you mine

Come with me at 4
Let me pour out my soul
As you hold me close
And I hide in your warmth

Come with me at 5
Look at me with weary eyes
And kiss me in disguise
As I melt from the look in your eye

Come with me at 6
As we return to reality
With me in your arms
And you mine

Cover me
In your love
And put your hands on my body
With your lust

I cover me
In cuts
And put the blade
To every inch of skin

You let
HIM
Near the house
With no guilt
Or regard to me

So I remove his hands
From my body
With a blade
And no guilt
Or regard to you

You watch
My every move
When I leave the room

I listen to
Your every word
When on the phone with
HIM

You talk
Of letting him back
Into the house
Where safety never was

So I sink
Into this bed
Where safety left
When I was touched

I harm my body

I can still hear the sound of my fist hitting metal
And I still remember the fleeting way I would look around making sure no one saw

I can still smell the sweetness of my blood as it drips
And feel my skin as it splits in two

I harm my self in many ways
Some that I can't even explain

People will walk up to me and ask
Are you okay?
In reply I'll always either say "ya I'm fine" or "I'm alright"
Then I plaster on a fake smile
But they think it's real o they walk away satisfied even though inside I'm dying

Now people who I know will walk up and say "you look tired" and in reply I'll say "ya, I don't sleep very much" then they'll go silent and ignore anything else I say or they'll say "same" and walk away
Little do they know that it's because my demons chase all my dreams away

Now the few people that I can call friends don't really ever ask me how I am for they no longer want to hear the answer
Little do they know that the light is quickly fading from my eyes

I no longer have any friends
So no one asks me how I am
I also no longer have to pretend
Little do they know that tonight I'll say goodbye

I live in my own secret world

I think of things that I know are just a fantasy
I often imagine a different reality

I imagine a reality where me and you lasted
Where I didn’t flee from my feelings
And they weren't just blasted away
By my insecurities

I imagine a reality where I get to see you smile
And laugh
Every single day

I imagine a reality where your existence makes my day
And you make me consistently feel okay

I often imagine this reality
Maybe a few times a month
Because I try not to get too lost
Too caught up
In such a fantasy
Because then my feeling may overflow
More than they already do

I know you don't think of this fantasy world
This fake reality
Because I know I hurt you beyond trust
Beyond repair
So I just wish that maybe you'll consider a friendship

But you never do
Because you hate you
And you want me to

But I'll never hate you
And I never have
Because you live in my heart
In my mind
And in my soul
And I don't think I'll ever be able to
Just let these feelings go

"Father, why do you yell at me?"
"Because sometimes you're too much"

"Father,why do you hurt me?"
"So what you understand pain"

"Father, why won't you hug me?"
"Because I won't always be here"

"Father, when will you find help and get better?"
"When the time comes"

"Maria, why do you yell at yourself?"
"Because my own mind is too much"

"Maria, why do you hurt yourself?"
"So that I understand pain"

"Maria, why do you avoid me?"
"Because it'll hurt less when I'm gone"

"Maria, why won't you find help and get better?"
"Because you made me this way, father"

There's a forest in my soul
The leads to my heart

There is many things in the forest
Most
If not all
Are hidden

To reach my heart you must make it through

You must make it past
The forgetting paths
They often forget where they are supposed to go

You must make it past
The clingy wolfs
Sometimes they forget how far
Is too far

You must make it past
The overthinking bears
For they'll pin you down in a death like grip
But then stay there
For they start to overthink

Last
But not least

You must make it across
Lust lake
For sometimes
Depending on the way I act
It can drown you
In temptation

At age 3
I began to see
That the world wasnt as kind
As it first seemed to be

I'd wake up to his voice
Loud and unrelenting
And I'd cry until
My eyes were dry

At age 5
I became sad
And tired
Losing the only friend I had

For my dog died
And could no longer protect me
So I cried
Until my eyes were dry

And every night after
I'd stay awake
Watching the cars drive by
My window
All night
Wishing once more
That she could be asleep
By my side

At age 8
We moved to a new place
And for a little while
Things were at peace

We lived in a campground
In a tent
Surrounded by other people
Some who I called friend

That was until
My friend split her head
And I watched her bleed
Unable to breath
Yet I was punished
And no longer able to see
The friend she had come to be

At age 9
Things fell apart
All because
He told me for the first time
That he loved me

But it was all lies
As he'd sneak into my room
Late at night
And steal the light
From my eyes

At this time
I also began to
Not wanna eat
Because
If I made myself
Skinny and sick
Maybe he wouldnt
Comment on my body

At age 10
I became the me
That I wish never became
Reality

I started to harm my skin
Hoping to bleed
So that the only reason
I was bleeding
Wasn't because of him

At age 11
My classmates
Started to ask me
Why I was always
Spending all day
Locked away
In the nurse's office

I would always just say
Oh
I'm just tired today
But the truth is that
I'd come to school
Crying everyday
And couldn't function
So they'd hide me away

At age 12
I ran away
They didn't even notice
That I was gone the entire
Beggining of the day

When I was found
I was yelled at
And called selfish
So that night
I tried to end my life

I didn't succeed
And after a bit
I started dating
People online

I was groomed
And used
And abused
But atleast someone
Wanted me

At age 13
I could no longer be
Living for the purpose
Of being for him

So I told my brother
Who betrayed me
I told my mom
Who decided
That it was me
Who had to leave

She'd visit me
Once a week
And always update
HIM
On me

So I started to change myself
So he couldn't possibly picture
Who I'd come to be
With this new family

And so that
The person who ***** me
Would no longer be attracted
To the person
They'd now see

At age 14
I started to change even more
For it didn't feel like enough
To me
And I didn't want to be recognized
If he were
To see me

Later that year
My mom also asked me
To once again
Come be with her
And live in a new place

It felt like a dream
Like everything would be okay
And I could live with a real parent
But I soon learned
That biological
Doesn't mean real

At age 15
He came back
Into the house
Into my life

And my home
Turned into
A cold dark
Nightmare
All over again

But I just told myself
That it was just that
A nightmare
It wasn't real
And I began to let myself
Be used
By partners

My body was the only thing on me
That people would love me for
So why not use it

Near the end of the year
I moved in
With someone
I didn't even think I loved
But he cared for me
And he liked my body

At age 16
I knew I loved him
And I always would
For he took care of me
And did his best
To shield me from all the bad people
That would harm me

Even though sometimes
He couldn't handle
What it meant to be
In love with me

And I began to learn
That I was more than my body

But then
I was also once again
***** by another
Who was supposed to be
A new friend

Now we are here
At age 17
I was put into an abusive
Foster home
And had to call the police
After walking to a gas station
For 2 hours
At 1 AM

I ended up
Back at my moms
At a place
Where I never feel safe

I was ***** by
Another two
People

One who I loved
And felt the most safe with
In such a long while

And another
Who was just supposed to be
A friend

I've been touched
Another two times
By someone my mom
Decided to be with
And decided to date

After she knew
She still stayed
With him

But now I'm at my end
Because
I can't get the feeling
Of his hands
Off of me

Born
Into a world
Of trauma

Things continue
To go downhill
Every single year
Of my life

They keep getting
WORSE
With only small snipits
Of being alright
Just enough to keep me
Hopeful and alive

But whats it all for
When life throws me out
Onto the floor
And continues to pour
My hopes
My dreams
My love
My sanity
Right down the drain

Worse
WOrse
WORse
WORSe
And WORSE

Fetch me from this place
Keep me eternally safe

Let me live in your arms
Please be my personal escape

I cannot face life
For the life I want
And possibly need
Is one where
My effort is required no more

Please
Goodbye
Please
Lie
Please
Let
Me
Go
And
Die
Peaceful­ly
Within
Your
Arms
In
A
Bed
Of
Your
Love
Before
I
Get
WORSE

Hey
I say

Two hours later
Or maybe even more
You reply
You say
I was busy
I say ok
We talk for maybe thirty mins
Then once again
You say you have to go

Where have you been going?
That's what I wanna ask
But I don't wanna be one of those clingy *** girlfriends
That no one wants

But that's who I am
So why don't I show it?
Because I mean I already have
But even so I still try to hide it

But please
Tell me why
And tell me where
You have been going
Cause you have been distant lately

Youre getting
Further
And further
And further
Away

We used to hang out almost every day
But it was two weeks before friday
So how long will the wait be
This time?

It's already been two days
Which isn't bad
But the longer I wait
The more I get sad
Because the longer I wait
The more I feel you will leave
And find someone better
And I'll never know where you met her

Distant
So
So
So
Distant
But why?

You told me yesterday
And since then all I wanna do is cry

Because it's my fault
And now I don't know how to fix it
So im sorry
But im breaking my promise
Cause the only thing that'll make me calm
Is the splitting of skin
And the smell of sin
As blood drips down along and around my wrist

Along with every forgotten wish

I say
Sorry

I get no reply
Because you're busy

One day
I'll saygoodbye
But once again
I'll get no reply
And you'll be too late

You broke me
Beyond repair
Beyond help

Because now my heart isn't just shattered
But also torn
And fractured
If its even there at all

You took my trust
Then threw it to the wolves

You took my love
Then through it into flames

You took my fear
And magnified it

You took my pain
And watered it whole

You broke me
Beyond repair

I run my hand along my leg
And feel the jegged edges
That each cut makes

I run my hand along my leg
This time absent of a blade
And I remember
How the blood had flown

Then I look up
And I dare to whisper
"I wish to do it again"

There is a boy

He is marked by time
But his soul is untouched

He has been through abuse
From his father
And mother
And a girl or two
Yet his soul is untouched

He has been rejected
By girls
And guys alike
Also by his own family
Yet his soul is untouched

This boy has been beat
This boy has been broke

His heart is shattered
Into many peices

He is alone
In the sense
He has no people

But
The shadows are
His home

So in the shadows
His friends dwell
And keep his soul alive
And untouched

Cut one
For every word
That went undone

Cut two
For everything
Done by you

Cut three
For all the things
You pretend not to see

Cut four
For when I
Walked out your door

Cut five
For every night
I slept with wet eyes

Cut six
For all of your lies
And all of your tricks

Cut seven
For every childhood wish
To go to heaven

Cut eight
For everything that you
Blamed on a personality trait

Cut nine
For everytime that
I said "I'm fine"

Cut ten
For evertime i was told
That I'd be safe
Tell me when

Cut eleven
For wishing
That I could die at seven

Cut twelve
For every truth that I told
Left and forgotten on a shelve

Cut thirteen
For wishing that I could
Shower on my own and be clean

Cut fourteen
For wishing that I could
Lay down on the grass all green

Cut fifteen
For every single
Forgotten dream

Cut sixteen
For all the
Broken seams

Cut eighteen
For all the times
I was stuck between

Cut nineteen
For all the happy endings
Full of lies on screen

Cut twenty
For everytime
You touched my body

I find myself missing you

I wake up to our memories calling my name
I fall asleep to my forbidden fantasies
Pulling me away

I find myself missing you
Night
And day

But
I'm happy
With who I'm with now
So why does my heart remind me of you
Whenever I take a break
From the smile on my face