I don't always know exactly what to say.
I like to keep my feelings locked, it's always been that way.
But here you come along, opening my heart.
Why can't i keep you out, it tears me apart.
I listen to your problems, you help me out too.
When i start to crumble, you're the superglue.
All these new emotions, spinning through my brain.
None of this has ever happened, will i go insane?
Everything is different, but somehow it returned.
All the pain once has taught, now will be relearned.
I'm trying not to hurt you, so i hurt my skin.
But i'll always be here,  to ease the pain you're in.

The lonely, hooded figure.
At the back of the room.
The one that went unnoticed
That darkness would consume.

The one that had no power.
Nobody even knew.
But silenced pain and desperation slowly spread and grew.

Long sleeved shirts and baggy pants
Worn only to conceal
The deepest cuts along each wrist
And scars that will never heal

Voices wether real or not
Softly sang to sleep
Telling lies and making wounds
That stung and etched too deep

Waking up and asking, why am I even here?
After all this turmoil the answer seemed so clear.

Pulling out some paper
And picking up a pen
Writing the words so fluently, dreaming of an end.

Folding it so neatly, creasing on the sides.
Then shakily reaching for the rope
To put the pain behind.

Standing on the wobbly chair
Which decides the fate
One last deep breath, and silently
Prays it's already too late.

A little girl comes skipping in, hoping for a hug
But finds big sister hanging there, swinging from above.
Seeing something is quite wrong, lets out a high pitched scream
Mom and Dad come running in, hoping it's just a dream.

Mother drops down to the floor, gripping the crying child.
Father quietly closes the door, tears running wild.

Mother carries the little girl off into her bed.
While father holds his daughter's corpse, stiff, pale and dead.

As the tears keep coming, flowing down his face.
A folded piece of paper, sits in its quiet place.

Unfolding the white strip, he slowly reads these lines
Over and over again, spinning through his mind.

I'm sorry this is how it ended, I couldn't bear it anymore.
I finished my short lived voyage, and I've washed up on the shore.
The seas got way too rocky, the storm I could not pass.
You see my lifeless body, is peaceful now at last.
This world was not my place, I don't belong here.
Once I pulled the rope over my head, my destiny was clear.
I'm happy now, more than I've ever been.
For the remainder of your Earthly lives, remember there's a time, we'll meet again.

Why do we as people, suppress the inevitable?
It's called intuition, we all have have it; incredible.
God planted it within us, long before.
But it's so amazing, why would you ignore?
Just look all around you, the beauty of this land.
The sun, the trees, the grass, the sparkling waters and white sand.
God created all of this just for me and you.
The least we could do is appreciate it.
Don't you think so too?
Instead of moaning about your wifi or '****** 3G'.
Be thankful for the simple things.
That's how God intended it to be.

I've done a few things in my day that I don't talk about.
But when my fingers hit the keys all the confessions spill out.

No way I'm perfect, not even close
Always I fall short
I'm a sinner and my sins our Savior will abort.

I break rules and use foul words
That I'm not supposed to know.
But I ask for grace and love
Only God can show.

When I'm hurting, when I'm sad
I have a place to turn
For I can pray for help and love
When evil fires burn.

A gap between her thighs
And hips that protrude
Counting each rib, as if there's something left to prove
Relying on caffeine, alcohol and more
Losing out on life, passing every open door
Crying in the dark, alone next to the scale
It reminds you of your worth and how you always fail
Counting everyday, worried all the time
Can I hit a goal, will I meet the deadline
Wishing you were different, praying to be small
And finally when you get there, your problems will be solved

Alone is not a thing to be seen
But a state of mind
A treasure chest full of secrets
That two can never find

Alone is being with yourself
Once was a desolate hell
Now the harrowing sights once seen
Are in the past, don't dwell

Serenity and quiet thoughts
Trickle through the night
A different kind of darkness
And a warming kind of light

Alone has many meanings
All aren't great places to be
Being alone and feeling alone
Are different as you can see

Lock up your feelings, bury your sorrow.
Convince yourself you'll be here tomorrow.
Tough it out, you know you have to.
There are people depending on you.
Maybe there's not an end in sight.
But keep going, put up a fight.
Put on your armor, go grab your shield.
You are a soldier, and life is your battlefield.

I used to want someone to know.
What do i do, where do i go?
But look where that got me, it's easy to tell.
All the scars, and tears that fell.
The constant invasion, i got no peace.
There was only one way to release.
But that caused more problems; day after day.
At one point, all i could do was pray.
Too much to handle.
I couldn't make it through.
Now i do what i have to.
I couldn't clean up the mess that was made.
Can't trust anyone, i'm too afraid.
My wall is built up; impenetrable.
But it's the only part of me that is still stable.

I wish I could escape my own charred mind
Create an escape, curl up and hide
The thoughts that come taunt me, both night and day
Stay lodged in the back, and drive people away
But when I pick up my soft, horsehair bow
A melodious sound where heartache will show
Gliding across each string with a sound
Limitless, free, and completely unbound
All sorrows unleashed and tears cascade
Enveloped in the music your own hand has made
And drawing out that last soft hum
Enjoying happiness that so rarely comes

Just because I'm introverted doesn't mean I'm shy
Doesn't mean I have no feelings or I never cry
Just because I'm introverted doesn't mean I'm scared
Doesn't mean I'm hateful or socially impaired
Just because I'm introverted doesn't say I'm weak
Maybe I don't feel the need to continuously speak
Just because I'm introverted doesn't make me weird
Doesn't mean that I am judged, misunderstood, or feared
Just because I'm introverted doesn't mean I have no life
Doesn't mean that I couldn't be a great friend or loving wife.

**** this old heart!
It's falling apart.
But it's supposed to be so strong.
All these years hiding deepest fears, knowing they are wrong.
**** you old brain!
Driving me insane; taunting me day and night.
Whispers commands, while guiding my hands to do evil time and time again.

Water filled eyes
Tear stricken face
Mascara running all over the place

Trembling hands
Vermilion drained heart
Shriveled up soul, ripped apart.

Solid enough, a single tug
Unravels each strand
As a woven rug.

Weakened and empty
Failed once again
Never enough to fight through the end.

Prickling fear
Climbs down the spine
Paralyzing each victim that it can find.

Locked in a ruthless, icy cold clutch
Struggling for air, but the suffering is too much.

Watch as the water flows, creeping up toward your nose.
Why do i feel i'm drowning? I guess nobody knows.
Voices spinning through my head.
They make me wish that i were dead.
I don't know what to do; i'm hoping i can make it through.
Because i'm falling with no net there and i'm drowning; there's water everywhere!
My lungs are slowly filling, no one can hear my cries.
I have a little problem. But does it end in my demise?

At first it wasn't an option, but now I just don't care.
I always see the pain and frustration I cause everywhere.
No one really wants me, no one has a clue.
It would be great if i just vanished, don't you think so too?
I have no one to love me, there's no one i can trust.
All the feelings boil inside until suddenly i must.
There's a flash, then i'm on the floor; hoping there's a new world to explore.

You haven't done a single thing, all of this is me.
I've beome the person i never wanted to be.
I'm so tired of failing, now i'm sailing away.
But wipe your tears darling, we'll meet again someday.
Remember that i love you, i always have and will.
Even once my body has fallen cold and still.
I'm sorry i was a disappointment but i really tried.
I always smiled away my fears but inside i had died.
I don't think it's over, i didn't lose the fight.
Now i can watch over you every day and night.

Swing low, sweet chariot.
Why won't you come take me home?
Swing low, sweet chariot, take me from the horrors i have known.
Oh please! Please sweet chariot.
Take me from this Earth.
A world of hate, a world of hurt.
Help us find rebirth.
Swing low, sweet chariot.
Take me away from this place.
Where we fight to the death, and when the battle is done, can't even look each other in the ******* face!
Oh dear chariot, what have we become?
Nothing is right, and it won't be until we succumb.
Ask the Lord God to forgive what you've done.
Then fight for His troops, and the battle can be won.

What the hell has happened here?
Up in our heads, things aren't so clear.
We hurt each other, by words and by gun.
There's no reason; just for "fun".
Sick and twisted, you can't deny.
Do something to stop it, this isn't a lie.

A wise old owl sat on an oak.
The more he saw, the less he spoke.
The less he spoke, the more he heard.
Why can't we be like that wise old bird?

By the time you get here, it will be too late
My heart has slowed, my organs done, the damage is too great
Do not try to save me, just look into my eyes
Stay with me and hold my hand until my soft demise

Eloquence runs in my blood
Words are what I feel
This deep sadness that I write
Is excruciatingly real

I try to keep the writing part
Only in this place
For ones I love are sheltered
From the demons that I face

I'm used to being fearful
I don't like to show I'm weak
Even though sometimes I know
The comfort that I seek

My heart is way too caring
My mouth will not say no
I give my everything to help
No matter how far I go

Some people just don't like it
But I can't control my heart
Although the **** I put it through
Is clawing me apart

Can't help that I'm a writer
A musician of the mind
With a sensitive soul
That soon you'll surely find

Yeah, I have a huge heart
**** right I am a poet
I write my feelings out in rhymes
And I surely know it

Your tides rush in and peel away each new layer of sand.
Softly licking open beach
And calmly brush my hand.

You take a breath and delve back in
Washing over rough shells
Cleansing a lifetime of loneliness
That only time will tell.

Feeling every single splash
Rock my broad, white skin
Where life has crawled and children play
No loving soul has been.

The moonlight settles on your surface
Giving a mysterious glow
I'm captivated by the sight
And our hearts will only grow.

I settle towards the ocean floor
All your weight on me
Calming waves of nighttime breeze
Sooth the mighty sea.

I'm always touched by cooling fingers
Trickling down my back
Unpredictable and dangerous
Anticipating attack.

But your the ocean to my sand
The purpose of my beach
Together we make something special
That nothing will ever reach.

Take deep breath and look at yourself
Don't bow your head in shame
Look at your face, look at your scars, you'll never be the same
But don't be sad and do not cry
The past is in the past
What you've dealt with for so long, I promise it won't last
Look at you, every inch
Unique and only you
There's not a thing that should be changed, or else it can't be true
Be proud of what you've overcome
And never hide again
When you finally be yourself, you can always win

Sweaty palms, broken dreams.
Those piercing sounds imprinted as screams.
Crusted blood hides under, dirt stricken nails.
Drags along where deep darkness lurks and prevails.
Breaths growing deeper, stumbling around.
Have to keep going, don't want to be found.
Hung on branches, bushes, and sand.
Trudging among the treacherous land.
Pull out a shovel, removing the earth.
Deeper and further, whatever it's worth.
Grabbing the cold, stiff, rubber-like hands.
Whispering I'm sorry, no reprimands.
Pick up the shovel, returning the ground.
Turns away, leaving his bride safe and sound.

Hearing the murmurs from the hall, it's just grown up talk, nothing at all.

Peeking at notes looking through bills, lots of appointments, gives me the chills.

Deciphering stares, perplexed over whispers.
Raised suspicions, go to bed with shivers.

Desperate hugs, lots of tears.
The mood of the house has become quite clear.

Panic sets in, something is really wrong.
TELL ME WHAT'S HAPPENING, I HAVE WAITED TOO LONG!

They both come in, wiping their eyes.
The words that come next are the worst surprise.

The doctor had confirmed everyone's greatest fear.
Sure, cancer happened, but never here.

It was devastating, but i would not cry.
Things would get rough, but i had to try.

There was so much to prepare to do.
It would take years to fully get through.

So then it was time, we just prayed.
The surgery took hours, but nothing was delayed.

Three days later, out of the ICU.
Tubes and machines, lights flashing red and blue.

But it was successful; came out alive.
Cancer took it's toll but it was beaten and we all survived.

Tricked me, hurt me, bled my body dry.
Used me, confused me, never heard my cry.
Made my heart feel full, my happiness complete
Just hearing your voice, felt like a retreat.
It was wrong to take me in, just to walk right out.
Split between two different paths, each a separate route.
I never was in love with you, because I never stopped .
When you spoke those last few words, my fragile heart had dropped.
You were once my only light then drowned me in the dark.
I'm always going to seem ok, but know you left your mark.

Trace small, gentle circles along my bare chest
Come closer so I can see
Kiss me again along my neck and set my worries free
Hold me close and whisper sweet words like I'm your masterpiece
I'm a blank canvas and you're the paint our thoughts beginning to cease
Throw me down and pull me in
Together moving as one
Make me scream and hold me down the night has just begun
Breathing deep and losing words
Our minds on only one thing
Moving slow and matching time your scent still lingering
And when the sun peeks over the hill to warn the coming of dawn
We lay in perfect silent bliss, the feeling never gone

There was once a little girl, happy as could be.
Had all she ever needed, love, a family.
Wanted to try everything.
Brought sunshine to a day.
Cared for her little sister, always wanted to play.
But that poor little girl got sick, no one could do a thing.
Now she's all alone in the night, lost and wandering.
If you listen closely, you just might hear;
The sound of a struggling heart beat, loud and clear.
And when you look up, no little girl will you see
But a lifeless reminiscence, of what used to be.
This new being stands before you; tired, *****, almost dead.
Wisps of old brown curls, coming off her head.
She looks you in the eye, dark and cold as stone.
You can almost see her soul, and how long she's been alone.

Feel the crisp breeze run through your hair
Let it down and billow through the air
The crescent moon hit your skin so fair
Open your eyes if you dare.

See the iridescent moon
Lighting feathers of the loon
And as it gives its' final croon
Does it have to end so soon?

Feel the icy, midnight sea
Carry you off so peacefully
So bright and captivating can it be
Floods every inch of me.

Alive, yet drowning in the waves
Waiting for the one who's brave
Falling victims turn to slaves
Buried in their watery graves.

Finally! Crawling to the shore
Above the dreary ocean floor
A brand new place to explore
With opportunities, so much more.

Wiping off green sea foam
Heading off with new places to roam
Not afraid of the great unknown
No longer entrapped in the mind of one's own.

It has been said that the eyes are the windows to the soul...

Maybe that's why our pupils are black...

I always wish I didn't care, that I didn't have to see
All the pain and the dark that lurks inside of me.
Always there it's hiding, waiting for the day.
When my foundation crumbles and I start to drift away.
Telling me lies, that I soon believe.
The job of this horrid demon, is simply to deceive.
Once it consumes its' victim, leaving some entrails.
It slinks off into the vast darkness, unaffected by screams and wails.
Then comes a lonely wanderer, lost and all alone.
Befriended by this evil, going deeper into the unknown.

Weathered branches reaching out to catch falling leaves
Still and hard with a rigid shell
Giving so others can breathe
Full and vibrant at its peak
Then bitter cold rolls around
Losing color, looking bleak
But stays rooted in the ground.
Peaceful, quiet, independent
Living on its own.
Battered, broken, standing tall, living life unknown.

I know how you feel, i've most likely been there before.
But every time a window shuts, God opens a door.
You may feel like giving up, just drop your weapon and cry.
Then pick it up, use it again and drop it again and die.
But think about your future, the ones who count on you.
And put your best foot forward, and keep on pushing through.
Someday, maybe not for awhile i promise once again you'll wear a real smile.

Why do i admire the cuts and bruises on my skin?
All they do is remind me of the pain that i've been in.
The bruises have now faded away, but they could return another day.
Or perhaps i could inflict more pain in some other way.
I have to confess i like the thought of not a little blood, but a lot.
There's silence as the blade in my hand sails across this soft, unexplored land.
Tears stream down my face and i smile.
Finally i did what i've wanted for awhile.

The things I would do for a knife in my palms, slicing and slitting away
Hoping for blood and hitting the vein that keeps all the demons at bay
How I miss the feeling of thoughts never to be found
Heart in my head, pounding away, the beautiful, thundering sound
Ages its been since I felt the sting followed by a pause
Like a thousand daggers ripping away the hurt that you have caused
A smile slithers over, seeing the crimson stained upon soft skin
In the end, you understand that you can't ever win

Why does death seem like a solution when it's really not.
It's as though it can fix every problem you got.
I think it would be easy; quick as 1,2,3.
But then what? Who would be the one that finds my dead body?
No one should have to find their daughter or sister dead.
Just laying so still, single shot to the head.
All the life drained a long time ago.
She wasn't even the same little girl that everyone used to know.
But if i leave this world behind, there will be a star that will shine.
And when you all look up at the sky, there will be that star urging you to live your life.

When people say I'm different,
I'm just the same as you.
We both have fingers, toes, and such.
I even wear clothes too.

But when you say I'm different, maybe that's not what you mean.
I don't go out, I don't do parties, that's not at all my scene.

Instead I like to write, play music and do art.
Those may seem like lonely things,
But I like to be apart.

I like to sit and research.
Maybe I'm a nerd.
In this world of ignorance, I think knowledge would be preferred.

You may think a lot of things, but most of them are wrong.
There's much more to this quiet nerd, if you look deeply among.

I'm sorry to say that I'm falling for you.
After everything that we've been through.
I'm sorry there's nothing I can do.
The love that I feel can only be true.

I'm sorry that I have to say
You always take my breath away
I want you more everyday
But how many times can you betray?

I hate to admit I miss your touch
Your nice warm hugs, they help so much
When  all my heart has been sliced and crushed
Your presence gives me quite a rush.

It kills me to see that you have gone
Abandoned me for far too long
I want to hear your soothing song
Although I know that this is wrong.

I'm not prepared to give up yet
I'm falling hard without a net
There's none like you I've ever met
Loving you, I can't regret.

I feel a chill run through my body
Knowing that it's you.
My heart skips, flutters, turns
Because we both know what to do.

Our eyes settle locked tight
Gazing straight ahead
Your warming hands melt my skin
And send me down to bed.

All stretched out, you see it now
Before your very eyes
Pure, untouched but beaten down
But to only you, a surprise.

What was untouched by human hands
Was touched by sharpened blades
Cannot be healed in this short time
For that's not how they're made.

But now look past the broken surface
That mended back to one
And see what lies within the depths
That hasn't been undone.

I let you see my biggest secret, confessed my greatest fear.
You saw all of the things no one has gotten near.
Countless secrets, agonizing pain; i shared it with you.
Whispering words, holding me close, was any of it true?
I reached out; about to drown. You pulled me from the sea.
Brought me back and saved my life, just to ****** me.

I endured my most horrific times alone
Apart from the world, dying unknown
I don't need your help, I don't need you here
I fight for myself and that should be clear
But if I say, I need you right now
It means that I want you in my life somehow
You must understand, that is quite rare
And if you leave me, just be aware
That you will have hurt me, and I don't just heal
The pain hits hard and the wounds are surreal
I get too attached and will love you so much
I know I'll feel better just by your touch
Now you are gone and I slammed shut my door
There's no room here for your **** anymore

I was getting better, until i looked at my scars.
Ones on my wrist, my thighs, my arms.
I know what i had gone through.
And let everyone see.
I didn't care to hide it.
It's what i did to me.
But i saw what it was doing to the ones i love.
And i begged the great Lord to help me from above.
It took a lot of patience, but now i know i'm blessed.
When i was dying, God granted my request.
I've been clean four months now, only slipped up once.
But the voices are coming back and they pack quite a punch.
Why do i miss cutting?
All it makes is pain.
I watch the blood, then wonder what did i really gain?
I did it for a reason, not a good one i suppose.
And that reason will remain untold because nobody knows.

When you feel that familiar feeling,
At first subtle, then grows so unappealing.
A tingling slithers all around, drawing you in, pulling you down.
Invading the mind, body as well.
Looking at scars, it's easy to tell.
Give in, they scream and claw inside.
There's not a single place you can hide.
Feeling uneasy, what will you do?
Split yourself open for that liquid red hue.
But after it happens, red knife in hand.
Live with the guilt and scars; you did it again...

I'm being dragged down
I'm holding my breath
Praying to God
That I'll have something left

I'm tired of caring
About people's pain
When it puts me in a spot
Where I can't remain

I can't be dependent
On others like me
I'm taking control
So maybe I'll see

I'm overwhelmed
And very stressed out
I refuse to give myself
More to worry about

Please don't be mad
Don't think I don't care
Because my huge heart
Is what's gotten me there

I'm taking a break
To pick myself up
So maybe for once
I can feel like enough

It won't be long
Probably won't know I went
I'll be back soon
After me time I spent

Valentines day is drawing near
A time of love, joy and cheer.
But those words are not familiar to me
For I am never truly happy.

And the concept of love is hard to take
Fear of making another mistake.
How this heart continues to ache.
I can't seem to understand.

So on this coming Valentines day
No romantic music will I play
Instead at home is where I'll stay
With my loving family.

Gazing past my tempted eyes
And right into my mind
Where you explore the wonders
Along with horrors you'll soon find.
But today that doesn't matter
You soothe my constant ache
And fix my fragile inside
That will never cease to break.
Your warming fingers touch me
In my darkest place
And slowly find their way towards mine
Where they softly lace.
But you whisper lightly
Promise you'll return
As your figure fades away
For this dream I yearn

Gather up every single one
This is our day to have some fun
Both hands are free and lips untouched
No need to impress, no need to rush
Keep your money, leave the rose
Don't be ashamed if everyone knows
No need to shower or do your hair
Because you're not going anywhere
***** your manners, just be you
Let's face it, what else is there to do
No staring across an awkward table
No 'boyfriend' 'girlfriend' typical label
Forget a mushy gooey Valentine
Or all the drunk ***** with their fancy wine
The perfect Valentine for me
Is on my couch, warm and comfy!

One day of love and happiness
Doesn't make up for years of heartache

Step into my shadowed chambers
Feel my dusty walls
Wander through my tattered rooms
And down my darkened halls
Brush across my tight pulled drapes
And stroke them with your hand
Slide across my smooth wood floor
Begin to understand
Wrap yourself up in my blankets
Curl up in my bed
Don't overthink it, just relax
And rest your weary head
Listen for my loving whispers
Feel my weakened call
Build me up when my foundation
Seems it's soon to fall
Stay within me by my side
And don't leave me alone
For my walls are caving in
Open to unknown

Roses are red
Violets aren't blue
Nothing can stop me from caring for you
From the setting sun
To the rising stars
There's no way we'll ever be taken apart
During the sun, the rain or the storm
My love for you will never be worn

How is it now, that good looks get you everywhere in life?
How is it that 'talent' is simply throw it together or use auto tune?
What happened to hard work pays off?
What happened to the little things?
Why does race, size, gender, and all of that matter?
Why can't we just accept each other?
Who decides all of this?
Who's to say all opinions can't be valued?
When will I be able to say something like, most of the people here on HP are far more talented and real than any celebrity?
When will I not be chastised for saying such a thing?
Probably not in my lifetime...