The day it all happened
I remember it so well
And this is a story, I almost can't bear to tell
The sun shone through my windows
The birds filled the sky with song
It was the kind of day
Where nothing could go wrong
I kissed all of my babies
I headed out the door
Told my husband I love him
He said I love you more
I was driving down the highway
When I saw a flashing light
I looked up and saw billows of smoke, darker than the night
I froze and glanced around in panic
Then I heard the screams
A thousand daggers in my chest, praying they were bad dreams
But these were no dreams
This was a nightmare
Crimson flames danced everywhere
Then I caught it
In my eye
More planes were plummeting by
The rest was such a blur
All the months after were too obscure
But no one has ever been the same way
As moments before that fateful day...

Broke me and dropped me, treated me like ****.
Ignored my every cry, and sadly this is it.
I'm done with how you make me cry and question why I'm here.
Never said a single word, but silence screams so clear.
You saw me dangling from above just simply hanging there.
But once again you walked away, I know you'll never care.
My world was turning upside down and I wanted your sweet light.
But every day now since you're gone is an even greater fight.

We look on the outside, judging much too fast
Not realizing how we repeat the past
More people are dying, there's still so much sin
Killed for simply loving or the color of their skin
But amidst the pool of evil, there's a shining light
Standing by your bedside, as you try with all your might
Just accept your neighbors, your family and your friends
I promise there's no need to succumb to such a violent end
Progress is what we call it, but little do I see
The crumbling nation that this has come to be
Today marks history, "equality for all"
Ha! It only takes a couple hundred different men to fall
But this changes nothing, this world is full of hate
Love is not a simple thing, but to appreciate

Unlike anything you can buy,
The only thing to satisfy
Gives the feeling like nothing else
Not gold or jewels, or any wealth
Not alcohol, or any pill
A type of drug now if you will
Just a simple little thing
But caused me years of suffering
Left me with scars, and tears and shame
I know I'll never be the same
But even though it's overcome
It's a constant threat to see who's won

Hiding from fear, ignoring the pain
None of yourself is there left to regain
          Falling slowly, slipping away
          Waiting for sleep that calls demons to play
                      Wishing for death to come fly you elsewhere
                      Smiling again with this last breath of fresh air
                                 Pop open the bottle, one handful; not enough
                       Swallowing 50, I promise, is tough
                       Heart is now racing, I think I'm flying!
           But unaware that I'm actually dying
           Closing my eyes, then awaking once more
Seeing the white coats open the door

If you creep into my lair
No treasures will you find
Instead, a book just sitting there
With a weathered broken bind.

Softly run your hands over my cover
Feel my hard rough back
See my pages one after another
Untouched and thrown off track.

Flip me over
Read my words and never put me down
Turn each page and wonder
What more can be found.

Sink deeper into my warming heart
And take time to read with care
Be gentle, please don't tear me apart
Because I showed you everywhere.

Get lost between all my chapters
And don't stop until we're done
We may not have happily ever afters
But you're my only one.

it's either black or white, there's no grey in between
it's either cut until i cry or stay completely clean
you love me or you hate me, no matter what i do
leave me bleeding, broken, alone or be my superglue
hold me when i need it, or let me be in peace
put the knife up to my throat or make my hand release
love me until the day i die or don't love me at all
don't deceive me, tell the truth, i'm waiting for your call

Surrounded by the ones you love but no one's really there.
Voices and darkness always fill the air.
You sit in silence, with your head hanging down.
People don't get you, though they're all around.
Deep inside, the dam's about to break.
This time, none of what comes out will be fake.
Just bare, raw feelings; words you'd never say.
Be very careful, i might scare you away.

Withered branches reaching out,
Catching fallen leaves
Stone cold outside
With many rings, no one would believe.

Peeling bark and twisting tendrils
Weaving through the grass
Standing tall and never resting
Watching the time pass.

Solitude and peaceful rays
When morning lights the sky
Casting shadows on the ground
Where deepest secrets lie.

Battered and bare for many seasons
But light and warmth can make
Sprouting blossoms, newfound life
To cover any break.

When i'm asked if i'm okay, i always say i am.
Because i know that honestly no one gives a ****.

So why should i just sit here and tell you everything?
Like all the others, you will leave; the sorrow that would bring.

Do not ask me that question, i'll have no more to say.
You just keep it to yourself and don't get in my way.

Something so small and invisible, can't put up any fight.
But little do you know, it's bark is not worse than it's bite.
Once it has control, it can warp your brain.
Usually thought as innocent, it's driving you insane.
The toxins have taken over, your breathing starts to slow.
But there's no mercy; it takes awhile for your body to go.
Breathing becomes shallow, heart begins to skip.
Inside, all your muscles and vitals are taking a dip.
So as your body goes rigid, and the last of your air escapes.
Remember your killer's watching you die, but you never cared to look at their face.

No living soul has pushed through
The guarded gates of my mind.
What you know is just the surface
The horrors none will find.

I may not look, but be aware
That I always see
When you think you're getting there
There's miles to go in me.

Heart is tired, barely beating
Wrapped around in chains
The key to which is hidden well
Never seen again.

The bright crimson only leaks in the most battered places.
Violated, left for dead, nothing more it faces.

Once unbound and free to go wherever it may please.
Now hardened, trapped, and cold as stone.
Locked in eternal freeze.

I'm sorry I couldn't save you
I'm sorry I wasn't there
I had to watch you struggle, but how would I show my care
I thought you had gotten better
I saw you start to fade
But in denial, pushed it aside and for you I tried to persuade
I knew things would improve, you didn't see the light
So that fateful time a year ago, you disappeared into the night
From that day on I promised, to remember why I live
Not always for myself, but so there's something for me to give
People will sometimes love, but as humans we also hate
Will you continue to fight? You're the one to choose your fate.

Feel the music, see the light.
Believe you have lived your earthly life.
If you're worried, if you're scared.
Know God is waiting; you're prepared.
Take my hand, it's ok.
God has you now, and i'm with you every step of the way.

I went into the blaze to pull someone out, but then i fell in and wandered about.
The smoke filled my lungs, i could not breathe, there was nothing that i would receive.
I gave all i had, there is nothing more.
The flames have destroyed and ingested the door.
I struggled for air and as i went black, a figure appeared and someone came back.

The first time that I felt the thrill.
In my English class, I wasn't thinking, it just happened.
I had wondered for a long time, what it would feel like.
So I put the pencil on my arm.
It danced and glided across my skin and for the first time in a long while, I felt something.
I continued to get the thrill of pain.
Any way I could. Anytime I felt like it.
Sometimes 12 hours a day.
It took a turn for the worst.
My arms, hands and legs were already scarred.
Why not my wrist?
The ultimate statement, something everyone can see for all eternity.
So now I am stuck with five, perfectly straight scars running across my wrist.
But I did it myself. I don't complain.
I can't remember when I stopped. But it lasted about four months.
Then, one of my friends needed help.
She was really stuck. When I went in the dark to drag her out, I fell in.
I started small. Didn't tell anyone.
It was easier that way.
It escalated quickly. I was at my worst.
I had slit my sides, my shoulder, my arms, my legs.
A zipper of cuts dripped down my stomach.
I felt so many things, that I couldn't feel anything.
I acquired a collection of scars all over and I knew that I needed to stop.
Enough was enough.
Stopping the second time was a hell of a lot harder than the first.
As of today, I have been completely clean for a month.
30 days seems like nothing.
But if I can go the first month, I can go for the rest of my life.
I know what cutting is like and I am over it.
Cutting was a great feeling. But nothing compares to the feeling of kicking your addiction in the ***.

Come little child, need not you hear
The words of unimportance near
Come little child, stray afar
Past the light, where only we are
Come little child, listen to me
There's so much more for you to see
Come little child, don't wish, but dream
Nothing is quite as it may seem
Come little child, don't hear their word
Much better things that can be heard
Come little child, be never weary
For the clouds will cast both dark and dreary
Come little child, stay close to my heart
Let not the dark world tear you apart
My dear little child, sing out your own song
Each note, each sound cannot ever be wrong
And child, as rings out the very last verse
Remember there's never such life as a curse

Sadness is like a prison
A dark and awful place
The inmates will abuse you
And say you're a disgrace
The guards watch you struggle
And don't make a single move
Once you're down and on the floor
Be prepared for doom
The little cell starts getting blurry
You're consumed by deafening light
Sounds begin to disappear
There's no end in sight
But when you think it's over,
There's no way to stand again
A shadowed figure picks you up
And keeps hold of your hand
The very kind who hurt you
Can also heal the wounds
How is that easy to understand
When evil is always assumed

Everything once was perfect.
That is until sin came along.
Now all of God's creations that once were right are all wrong.
People have to suffer.
There's darkness in the air.
And our almighty Creator sits in disappointment and despair.
He watches His world crumble, spilt apart and die.
Along with all the people, barely getting by.
But amidst the pain and sorrow; the people wondering why.
There's still a handful of light to help our world survive.

One little, two little, three little calories.
Four little , five little, six little calories
Seven little, eight little, nine little calories.
That's all for today.

Come on! Just do it; it's been so long.
Come on! Feel the hard blade slip; it's not wrong.
You know you want it. This is what you deserve.
You have no more innocence left to preserve.
Just look at yourself!
Everything you try.
Honey, it will never be enough to get by.
You know i'm powerful; don't stand a chance.
Now feel yourself going under my trance.
So pick up that blade. Get it right now.
You've done this before, you already know how.
Sing in your head that comforting tune.
It eases the pain, for adrenaline runs out soon.
Scrape back and forth, time and again.
Darling, well done! Did you miss your old friend?

Take out your knife
Carve out your sins
Never forget  where your story begins

Lay down your head
Listen to me
This is not how it's supposed to be

Lay down, pick up the knife
And think of your life
Give up slowly

Get that cigarette
It's not over yet
When you're addicted, addicted, addicted
To dying

Shut off the world
Farewell little girl
Now put down your head
We're better off dead

Fighting with life
No end in sight
Wish you were dead
Cut ****** and red

Lay down, pick up the knife
Think of your life
And give up slowly
Take that cigarette
It's not over yet

When we're addicted, addicted, addicted
To dying

Come now dear, tell me your fears; i can make them leave.
All your sadness disappears, there's no more need to grieve.
Come now dear, the path is clear; why don't you believe?
All the things you want the most you will now receive.
Come now dear, wipe that tear; there's no need to be afraid.
You know what you have to do, nothing can persuade.
Come now dear, your time is near; soon you will be sleeping.
Monsters lurk inside your soul, i can end their creeping.
Come right now dear, your time is here; i have come to take you with me.
Soon you'll be up in the sky and you'll see what i see.

On one cold, December night,
There shone a luminescent light.
Then to me that light would speak.
In a voice so tempting and sweet.
The secrets that light had told, a story had begun to unfold.
Of beauty, madness, pain and terror.
How something could fall apart by error.
Once a child so innocent and frail, could be ripped to shreds; only entrails.
And once the light would soon depart, a soul consumed by merely dark.
Mind trapped, there's no escape.
Nothing but darkness; desolate.
This luminescent light faded.
Turned to black; manipulated.

Surviving off of independence
Always acting strong
Never asking for any help
When things went horribly wrong
Seldom shed a single tear
Putting on a brave face
While deep inside her melting heart
The carnage found its place
Caring for everyone but herself
True colors never show
Even when it seemed that times
Couldn't get more low
Poems running through her veins
Until she bled them dry
Torn up pieces ripped to shreds
No tears left to cry
Couldn't save a broken soul
Couldn't fix her heart
And slowly darkness eats away
Rotting her apart

The darkness brought out her soul.
And the demons reigned.

Solid from the crust to core
Carries all the weight
Even when it can take no more
There's nothing that's too great

Standing tall through every storm
Never flinches in the dark
Once it's tired, lost and worn
The struggles left their mark

Taking in the rays of sun
Absorbing little heat
Then relieved the day is finally done
Once again been beat

After fighting all these years
Enduring what was thrown
Having no more need for fears
Crumbling and unknown

I'm not much on the outside
So no one ever cares
I'm not the girl who comes waltzing in
Expecting all the stares

But if you ever stop
As my bow crosses the string
And look me straight in the eye
I'll know you're listening.

Or if you skim my writing
And catch the emotions that I feel
You'll understand there's more to me
Than I'm willing to reveal.

I'm average on the outside,
My abilities as well
But the only way you really know me
Is to search beneath my shell.

Only been a couple months but seems like forever
Something that was once done, although you said you'd never
Four faint lines, growing weak
Willpower, growing meek
These four faint lines bring out the dark
But still attached, left a mark
Shouldn't mean a single thing
A sign of being surely clean
Being damaged should not bring pride
So why does it bring accomplishment on the inside?

I was feeling hungry, so i sat down to eat.
Then, i felt his hot, moist breath, it was bittersweet.
I stood by the table, candles, music and all.
The soft, soothing voice became a distant call.
He stepped out of the shadow, and i stared at his mask.
I know he was seducing me, like it was the simplest task.
He slowly danced over, never touching the ground.
If i wouldn't have seen him, i would hear no sound.
His charming aura engulfed me, i could hardly breathe.
Little did i notice that sinister ability to lie and deceive.
He sat me at the table, and gave me a plate of food.
Although i really was hungry, i felt a different mood.
A tingling sensation slid across my neck.
And i saw the knife glistening and what did it reflect?
He had really got me. I almost did the deed.
But another, more powerful force gave me the sense i would need.

Looks like happiness ,everything right.
Smiles and jokes all day, but later at night.
Take off the cloak, what lies beneath?
Covered by a thick, bulletproof sheath.
Sadness, worries, imperfections.
Distorted images and reflections.
Trying to hide all that is wrong.
Blending in, playing along.
Drowning in emotions, getting no sleep.
Buried far underground, getting too deep.
When the light comes, put on your disguise.
Wipe off the tears, and muffle the cries.

When i look in the mirror, this is what i see.
A fat, hideous failure staring back at me.
Though i try to hide it, i know they always see.
Beneath the makeup and baggy clothes, i'm always going to be me.
Sometimes i can forget, what i am on the surface.
That i have a greater purpose.
But in this world we live in, it's really quite pathetic.
You are judged by your appearance, it's blunt;unapologetic.
So we see little girls, young and sweet, limit or erase the food they eat.
And what about all the others?
Some purge, cut, **** one another.
Is this what the future has in store?
We are better than that. We can do more.

Is it completely crazy to say, that sometimes i don't wish to see another day?
Not one more sunset, or rise of the moon.
I want to go home, but my time is not soon.
This world is not for me, it's way too hard.
I'm always alone, scared, and on guard.
I feel so little, helpless and small.
I don't even care about anything at all.
I'm tired of trying, i just want to sleep.
But even that brings no peace, and so i break down and weep.
Dear Lord please help me.
Please be my light.
Be the stars and the moon that shine so brightly in the night.

Everything spills.
Emotions form tears.
Tears turn into countless beers.
Then you're sad and drunk.
You go home with some skunk.
Fumbling around, falling to the ground.
Wake up all alone, head heavy as stone.
Skip work, head to the clerk.
Pick up a quick test, take the pill; hope for the best.
Curl back up in bed.
Bring the *****, wishing you were dead.

Touch so soothing, soft and gentle
Not cold, rough or experimental
Eyes unending as the seas
Carry me off with a cool, calming breeze
Speaking in a musical voice
Captivated, i have no choice
Feel the warmth cascading down
Engulfing me, all around.
Now awake, sheets cold as stone
Looking around, but still alone.

Pop it open, just a can
Heart rate spikes again as planned
Pop another, maybe two
Pumping harder than you ever knew
Pop some more, make it three
This is fun, won't we see
Have another, up to four
Faster now than ever before
Still going strong and up to six
Past the point of being fixed
Whoa, what happened? Hitting eight
Now I'm spinning, can't see straight
Way past nine, beyond twelve
How much further can we delve?
Now where's number, thoughts mine aren't here
Did someone see my grandma near?
Spinning, dark, cans, STOP!
Where am I? How far's the drop?
Loud, quiet, black, gone
Now only if we didn't start so young

My friend and my enemy for so many years
Bringing me constantly back into tears
Holding me back, taking control
Watching and laughing while taking her toll
Making a home in the back of my mind
Discovering secrets that no one could find
Giving me feelings like never before
Quietly whispering, not anymore
Satisfaction as you waste away
More and more bones everyday
Deceiving and lying, warping your thoughts
Leaving you dying, shaken, distraught
And after your life's been too close to hell
She moves on to the next, without a farewell

The rough concrete caresses her thighs.
A look of madness dancing in her eyes.
Crisp, fall breeze blowing through hair.
How far the drop, no one is aware.
Bare feet dangle, sway forward and back
Sliding closer, still under attack.
A single tear drops and disappears in the mist
Hoping to catch it, the voices insist.
Seconds later, flying through the sky.
Feeling the frost, softly whispers goodbye.
Closed eyes, going numb.
Unbearable sorrow to which she would succumb.

It's been more than a month, when is long enough?
When blades are blades and knives are knives,
Rather than relief for when times get tough.

How long do I wait, for dark scars to fade?
When will the urges be something to evade?

Why isn't anything innocent anymore?
Just new methods of pain, waiting to be explored.

How can I stop wishing that when I hold an edge,
It would slip, just a bit and I can have revenge.

But for now, I have to be patient,
And keep myself away.
From all the edges, points and harm that taunt me every day.

The stream that once flowed so freely and clear.
Is drying up at last.
The song it sang for all to hear.
Is but a sound of the past.

Blocked to all the listening souls
It tries to plow on through.
Beating, splashing, forcing hard, but nothing left to do.

Longing for the perfect storm
Where rain clouds congregate.
Each little drop adding up is something to appreciate.

When you've been hurting for so long.
Everything around feels so wrong.
It seems as though there's nothing to do.
And there's one thing i can say to you.
No matter how hard, no matter how tough.
You are important.
Never give up.

It's time to accept, it's been over a year.
All of the pain and the sorrow that's here.
So many scars, so many tears.
Feed and become the greatest of fears.
Just one more time, it's no big deal.
Everything broken will once again heal.
No matter how bad, the volume of blood.
All the emotions that happen to flood.
Unable to find the solace and peace,
while letting go of your only release.

You wake up in the morning and hop up on the scale.
Ana's looking over, waiting for you to fail.
The numbers start flashing, you're more scared than you should.
The number stops, you stare.
Two pounds down, that's not good.
You feel Ana's presence, her disapproving glare.
Your hollow stomach grumbles, but now you just don't care.
Another week of starving, counting your single meal. But when you have Ana around, she says that's the deal.

Fed up with sorrow
Fed up with fear
Fed up with darkness and phantoms near
Fed up with hurting
Fed up with guilt
And my heart which can't be rebuilt
Fed up with scars
Fed up with knives
Fed up with loved ones risking their lives
Fed up with hatred
Fed up with hiding
Just want to sit here and do more writing
Fed up with betrayal
Fed up with loss
Opening up has to come with a cost
Fed up with fighting
Fed up with grief
Hoping that one day I'm faced with relief.

No one knows for certain, I want you to be near.
I feel your warmth surround me, the memories so clear.
Amid the eerie silence, I almost hear you speak.
Those calming words of wisdom, does it mean...

Are you still here?
Haven't you left?
Everything you loved is now bereft.

There you were, curled on the floor.
That loving, little girl we all adore.

What went wrong?
What did we do?
How could we have stopped from losing you?

It was wasn't right.
I understand.
Maybe you'll be more happy far from this land.

This is goodbye, I can't walk away.
Tears run down my cheeks, the last words you hear me say:

I love you lots. I always will.
Your soft, little body which I once held has fallen still.

Don't be afraid, I must let go.
You're at peace now, tucked beneath the snow...

My ship set sail on a voyage
Not many years ago
The gentle waters rocked me
Their whispers soft and slow
The winds took me further out
Into the open sea
The waves crashed and came on board
Nearly drowning me
The once clear skies had darkened
Whirling clouds gathered near
Cold rain pelted down
And pierced my sails with fear
A strong force pulled my body
Towards a swirling endless pit
All my sailors overboard and I knew this was it
Swallowed whole but still in pieces
This voyage was cut short
The little ship not strong enough
To give that much support

Look, you dumb *****, you did it again!
Going like this, you'll never be thin.
You can't eat a morsel, not one bite.
It's too much grief, you know it's not right.
Look at yourself! Grabbing handfuls of fat!
Nobody wants to be around that.
Break every mirror, skip every meal.
Only then will you be skinny for real.

Weakened heart, growing pain
Nothing left to remain
Blood rising in your throat
Enough to make you gag and choke
Lungs filling, fall and sputter
On the floor, you seize and mutter
Eyes roll back, here comes the flood
Drowned and dead in your own blood

Some say fear holds you back.
That it shouldn't rule your life.

Some say they laugh in the face of fear.
But fear is a powerful thing.

Some say once you face your fears,
There's nothing that can stop you.

I say fear has saved me bloodshed.
It's kept me out of the hospital and the morgue.

I say fear keeps me in check.
Fear keeps me sane.

Fear keeps me from ******* up my wrists so bad that I pass out on the ground.
I bring that knife to my neck and that little, tiny voice says HELL NO!

So I don't laugh at fear.
And I definitely will let fear hold me back.
Because fear gives me something to shine through.

Starting out so young and free
No troubles in the world
Pure, clear skin for all to see.
Not a sign of hurt

Bright, young eyes and light pink lips
Innocence at best
Unexposed and unaware of God's most painful test

Wandering lost and all alone, no one there to trust
Voices laughing, hidden deep within the prickly brush

Eternal darkness cascading down from a clouded sky
Frightened, cornered with one question, and that one word is why?

There's no life that's left to live
There's no more need for breath
Succumbing to the evil force
And wishing only death.