Why does it matter, whatever your size?
The amount of space between your thighs.

The width of your waist, the size of your shirt.
That doesn't measure what you're worth.

The buttons on your pants, the flat, toned abs.
That's one thing I sure don't have.


All of those "models" are starving and thin.
Do people even make the sizes they fit in?

Seeing every bone isn't healthy or right.
Society has done this, warped our sight.

The size of your bra, whether A or D.
Should not be the first thing we judge and see.

But unfortunately, all that I say isn't true.
The world judges the outside of both me and you.

For anyone who ever wonders or forgets what FNB stands for,
For anyone who doesn't know my story:
FNB is three little words,
Fat No Bones, does that sound absurd?
It may not make that much sense to you, but in my mind it all is true.

F is for fat, it's how I feel.
I look in the mirror and see that it's real.
N is for no because nothing is right.
Everyday is another fight.
B is for bones as I wither away.
Put on a smile as my body decays.

That is my story in three little words,
I take it in stride through the twists and turns.

New flowers to bloom, the ice has gone.
Baby animals stumble out of the dawn.
Life, happiness, love, and fun.
Is my wish for you, soft little one.

As spring turns to summer, cool breeze in your hair.
Your supple, tanned skin which once was so fair.
Growing up fast, more warmth ahead.
Out of your crib, in a big girl bed.

But as seasons change, so do we.
Then comes fall, a catastrophe.
Once warm and bright, cold wind races through.
Losing piles of leaves, and parts of you.
Piercing, bare branches sting like a knife.
When fall comes, prepare to get up for your life.

Winter charges, no mercy, no end.
Stinging blizzards swirl again and again.
Lost and alone, frosted heart.
Then opens a door, the heat melts it apart. Reluctant; heat burns on frostbitten skin.
Buried in blankets and warmth from within.

Broken and brittle, heart frozen and small.
Taken in and warmed up. Someone heard your call.
Sitting together in front of a fire.
Hand in hand, knowing love will never expire.

AB:  Flowers and trees, a thousand degrees, we ***** around in the winter , we can't freeze.

FNB: Leaves are falling, fireplace calling. The icy cold wind is somewhat appalling.

AB: Lost in translation, broken sacrifices, free vacation, let's perform a crisis.

FNB: Out in the dainty, crystalline frost, I reach for your hand and my worries are lost.
But winter will fade and in comes the sun. The cold left some ice that can't be undone.

AB: Summer time when spirit of a young god lay to rest, flowers in your hair signifies that you're at your best. Love music and tattoos, a grain of sand, sitting in the corn fields, we can't lose, to a world created by man.

I notice when you're gone
I notice when you're here
I feel my heart skip a beat
And know that you are near
When you're feeling sadness
I can feel it too
I'm not being dramatic,
It's just something that I do
I love you with a passion
That no one can replace
And while I sit here by myself
I'm picturing your face
My heart was far too open
I'm sorry you slipped in
The pain in there is hard to take
It won't happen again
But now you've gone and vanished
My bleeding heart has died
I hate the way you hurt me
But I miss you by my side

Alone in the dark is a dangerous place
The demons and voices come face to face
United together with one goal to end
The pieces that were trying only to mend
Fear of the emptiness and lack of care
Alone in the dark is the place to dare
Lost beyond words and then come the tears
Knowing yourself is one of your fears
Finding the knife is easy enough
But leaving it be is really quite rough
Sitting alone in the dark listening
To what the next sunrise could possibly bring

Not so sure I know how to stop
When I look at you I feel my heart drop
You weren't my partner, you were my friend
I knew someday it would have to end
But why did you leave me when I was down
My entire life was turned around
I was falling hard with no way out
There was too much **** to worry about
I'm sorry to say I was in love with you
Though there's all the pain you put me through
You hurt me more than ever before
This much hurt, I hoped not to endure
I love you more than I've loved anyone
And I can't bear to know that we're done

Apology accepted
Trust denied
You'll never wipe my tears
'Cause they've dried
My warm heart is guarded
By prisoners of war
You were accepted
My decision was poor
Said you were different
That you were my friend
I hoped it was true
But good things will end
I needed a hand
A listening ear
I wanted to feel you drawing near
I thought you could take it
Your outside looked strong
But deep down inside
I knew I was wrong
I'm sorry I'm sad
Lost and upset
Being your friend
I'll never regret

Goblins, ghosts, vampires and ghouls
The "scary" things we thought as fools
Blood ******* demons are awfully real
And the pain they cause no one can heal
The howls of longing of hurt and despair
The aroma of death lingers still in the air
Creeping through the darkness and haze
Wandering through this unending maze
And on this oppressing, bloodthirsty eve
Keep your eyes open, it's not make believe
And maybe when you crawl back into your bed
You'll be one of the lucky ones who didn't end up dead

Racing heart, fluttering eyes
Putting on a fake disguise
Tremors running through my veins
Chills are driving me insane
Feelings of anticipation
Doomed to ultimate damnation
Snapping bands across my wrists
Returning scars that still exist
Welting up and turning red
But these poor scars have already been bled
Crying both inside and out
Nothing left to talk about
Charred soul and swelled up arms
Isn't there a saying, the third time's a charm?

When someone asks me if I'm happy, I don't know what to say.
I have no reason to be sad, but what is happiness anyway?

Some synonyms are, fortunate, cheery, content, untroubled, delighted.
But some of that isn't true,
Fortune doesn't always make you happy, and untroubled is that way too.

The best way to be 'happy' or thankful for having life.
Is to go through struggles and overcome the temptation of a knife.

When someone asks me if I'm happy, I say that I can be.
I have seen enough pain and sorrow to cherish every good thing.

Isn't it crazy how one decision can change everything forever?
Like having that extra test at the doctor.
Who knew an endoscopy could be the difference between life and death?
No one was expecting anything to happen.
Just routine checkup.
This would be everything but routine.

A tiny little cancerous polyp cost half an esophagus plus part of a stomach and spleen.
Years of recovery, sleepless nights.
Feeding tubes, coughing fits, at home nurses.
Building up strength just to walk into his own home for the first time in weeks.

That tiny cancer would've spread.
On this day, we could've been mourning instead of celebrating.
Cancer took a hell of a lot from us, but look what it gave us.
My dad turned 48 today.
Without surgery, I wouldn't get the privilege of spending this birthday and many more with my dad.

When you're feeling broken
Do not blame your heart
It's your mind and your head
That's ripping you apart

When you're feeling lonely
Like you want to die
Signals are sent to your brain
And make you want to cry

Those times you're feeling scared
And don't know where to go
You recognize a familiar face
Hoping that they know

When you're feeling hopeless
Like you've already died
Your mind can be a weapon
Show you how to hide

When you've been betrayed
And left a thousand times
Your head knows to protect your heart
And build a barrier of lies

On the outside it looks like I'm doing better.
But I think it's on the inside too.
It feels like months since I hurt myself
Though it's only been a few.

This has been so easy
I'm almost scared to ask.
Did I really get over it?
Or is the hurting masked...

I'm feeling more confident
No more cuts for me
But last time I slipped up again
What will this time be?

Can't bring myself to give it up
The knife that I have hidden
Afraid to touch the hard steel blade
Control is overridden

For now it's good and I'm content
No more hurt, suffering, or torment.

Remember the day you came into my life?
Wiped all my tears and took that sharp knife.
Told me that you would always be here,
Just a phone call away, I knew you'd be near.
Hugged me and said that I'd be ok.
Nothing was taking my life away.
What you were to me, I can't express
You alone dragged me out of this mess.
In doing that, you lost your grip.
Your fragile patience began to slip.
And in order to keep yourself in one piece
It was me that you had to release.

Two arms to keep me safe and warm.
They help to shelter me from the storm.
And through all the pain and all fears,
I know those two arms will always be near.

Two hands that lock me in so tight.
I can sit there and cry when there's no more fight.
And through all the sorrow and the tears.
I can count on those hands to always be near.

Two legs so lightly wrapped around mine.
Slowly but surely they begin to entwine.
As it begins to feel just right.
I slowly drift off into the night.

These eyes have spilled sorrow
This flesh has dripped blood
Two hands always there
To pick up the unloved

This heart has been opened
And drained to the core
Running on empty
Can't take anymore

This voice is quiet
But never unheard
Speaks from the soul
With eloquent word

But this being is fragile
And takes hits so hard
Yet never does show it
Easy to discard

Crackling fire, shimmering tree
children all laughing, filled with glee.
Stockings hung up, music and cheer;
running to bed because Santa is near.
Bright lights and cookies, love all around.
Can almost hear reindeer stomping the ground.
Giving and happiness in the atmosphere,
sounds like Christmas is growing near.

I'm tired of spilling out my heart
Just to be left behind
I'm tired of being ripped apart
For insight to my mind

I'm tired of dealing with complaints
And all the dramatic ****
I can't break free of these restraints
Why don't I just quit

I'm tired of seeing familiar faces
And unfamiliar sounds
I want to be in quiet places
Where I will not be found

I'm tired of always having worry
Hanging around my neck
You wonder why I'm in a hurry
So nothing has to wreck

I'm tired of being the only one
To care for everyone so much
When it seems like they're all on the run
Leaving me out in the dust

I'm tired of never getting back
All the care I give
After awhile, I start to lack
The willingness to live...

There is a big empty hole in this heart.
It's been beaten, cracked, and broken apart.
But these wounds will surprise you, they're not what they seem.
In the endless black hole, there are bloodcurdling screams.
For awhile there was light, then it burned out.
Now there is no one to hear your shout.
The wails only echo, no one hears today.
In this suffocating void, all hope fades away.
Is this too much to handle; is there too much grief?
If so, i hope you know, there will be relief.

First, you dig your self a hole
Deep enough to lose control
Then, you push yourself inside
At the bottom, where there's no place to hide
Next, you try to claw your way through
Until there's nothing left to do
Tired, helpless, body worn
Wrists among everything else is torn
Drowning in your own salty tears
Condemned by the most realistic fears
Gasping for air, destined for execution
Feeling like death is the only solution.

You don't deserve to rule my head
Or be my nightmare late in bed
You cannot taunt me anymore
I'm not a thing to be ignored
I loved you once, but now you see
I don't need you to be free
You walk your path and I take mine
We leave each other back behind
I don't regret the times we had
In fact, honestly I'm glad
In moving on I was able to see
Nothing will last permanently

My heart is quite frail.
It's been broken so much.
It cannot be healed by the gentlest of touch.
Love comes so freely.
But i have to reject.
Only because i built a wall, to shield and protect.
It really is hard.
I feel all alone.
Maybe my heart has turned into stone.
It would make sense; how empty i feel.
And how this pain has turned so real.
I wear my scars outside, but inside as well.
If you just paid close attention, i'm sure you could tell.
But nobody cares about the past.
As soon as the blood stops, they're gone.
It's that fast.
As soon as they're gone, you're back at square one.
All alone, broken hearted, and completely done.

Don't you agree, everyone talks too much?
Can't we listen, not talk, just hush.
I think you'd be surprised at all the things you'd hear.
Maybe the silence would draw more people near.
No more hurt feelings, or losing those you love.
Just hush and listen for guidance from above.
You're so busy talking, you can't hear what He says.
Although He's the only reason you're being blessed.
So here is some advice to those who won't shut up.
When you listen, you will learn.
And that should be enough.

When I say I love you.
Those three words all speak so true.
I means me, with all my heart.
Never wanting to be apart.

When I say love, here's what I mean
You make me feel whole and clean.
You fill a void that none else can.
I want to keep hold of your hand.

You is such a simple word
But what it means is quite absurd
In short, you just means I'm safe
When I'm with you, I can escape.

Understand I don't love you
Those words are not completely true
I don't just love, I'm falling hard
No matter how much you've left me scarred.

I may be young, but i know a lot.
I may be frail, but i'm strong.
I may seem really smart, but i'm not afraid to be wrong.
I may think i have it under control, but inside i'm a wreck.
I may seem like an "overachiever", but that just keeps me in check.
I may be a role model, or a success, when actually i'm a big, ugly mess.
So here's the lesson i'm trying to teach, it won't take much longer
It's perfectly fine to have off days.
They only make you stronger.

See no fading scars, remember no pain
Let out your feelings as free as the rain

Remember those loved, respect those lost Lives came to an end at too great of a cost

Think of the child, with curled locks of hair
Her innocent face with complexion so fair

Look at her smile, look at her dance
What would she do if given the chance

Forgive her of wrongs, relieve her of doubt
Tell her there's a much better way out

Imagine her smiling and dancing again
Happy little family, hand in hand

So now my children, listen to me
All can accomplish recovery

The only way inside my heart
Is to patch it up, not rip it apart

Slowly, but surely, stitch by stitch
But one slight hesitation, unravels so quick

Delicate tugs, no frustration
Long, tight hugs, anticipation

One wrong move is detrimental
Everything said was confidential

Betraying trust rips vulnerable flesh
Bleeding and open, exposed to the rest

Ambulance blaring, but speeds right past
Forgotten again, but alone at last

Should I really have to say I'm sorry that I care
For all of you who don't understand or are not yet aware.
That's basically saying, I'm sorry that I'm me.
But newsflash people, who else am I supposed to be?

I shouldn't be sorry that when someone is upset
I worry and I try to help, but what do I get?
Sure, maybe you think that "I can do this on my own"
Well, go ahead then. Just wander all alone.

You think that I don't really care, that it's all pretend.
Let me tell you, once I'm here, it's until the very end.
It's not my fault I live to help, it's running through my veins.
You think all this is ******* easy, it's driving me insane.

I drain myself everyday, and am hollow every night.
What I give, I don't get back. And start over at the first rays of light.
Now I'm not saying I am selfless or perfect in any way.
I just prefer to be the helper, it keeps my problems away.

I say i hate people, you argue it's not true.
How would you know, have you any idea what they put me through?
I know they don't try to, it's really only me.
But when i'm surrounded, i'm overcome with anxiety.
What if they don't like me, what if they think i'm fat?
What happens if i say something wrong? I can't even think about that.
Maybe you perceive me, as someone quiet and rude
When really, i don't like being humiliated, i'm just not ever in the mood.

Sad, quiet, oddball, rude?
Maybe has a bad attitude?
Narcissist, egotistical, self-absorbed?
Or maybe just unexplored?
All introverted stereotypes, people don't understand how we live life.
Not antisocial, we hang with friends.
We just need a break, once the night ends.
Narcissistic? Now watch yourself.
We just can't handle too much, it effects mental health.
Introverts are special too.
Even though, they might be a little different than you.

I've always been the outcast.
The one that people don't see.
The shy, nerdy little girl who always looks happy.
Then the clouds roll over, the gray skies fill with rain.
That once happy little girl sighs and whimpers in pain.
At first, it's subtle, but then they see the limp.
When asked what's wrong; it's nothing. I'm just being a wimp.
All of a sudden, people notice. And worse, pretend to care.
"Honey, don't do this, it's ok" "if you need me, i'll be there"
Sure now you will. Why not before? I didn't send invitations, but now there's more.
People flood from every direction.
Because of the pain, comes unwanted affection.
You weren't there before, so don't show up now. 
You won't be my hero; just get out.

What do you do when your hands are tied?
All your efforts are simply denied.
Hope is shattered, courage is broken.
You're sick and tired of being outspoken.
You can't be a hero; tried all these years.
Confronted now by your own worst fears.
Heart crushed time and time again.
All i really want is a true friend.

Instead of shaming people,
Why don't you help them?

Do you know a three letter word?
The simplest thing you ever heard.
Can always turn your day around. Doesn't even involve a sound.
This gesture is stronger than any word.
You may think it's just absurd.
But these tiny letters h-u-g.
Have always had a big affect on me.

Do others really see me the way i see myself?
Fat, ugly, worthless, no care for health.
Selfish, maybe lazy, polka dotted face.
Stretch marks and scars, all over the place.
Small, sometimes needy, even weak.
Invisible, boring, not a bit unique.
Too sensitive to chastise, a building about to fall.
A little damaged and shaken, has no one to call.

Why did you have to leave me?
You don't know how much it hurt.
Took me under your wing, then threw me out like dirt.
Sure maybe i was needy, but you were all i had.
Was any of it real? I needed help so bad.
You served as my mentor, my mother all in one.
And without a single warning, like that it was done.
I've been hurt quite a bit.
But this was really a load of ****.
So i'm done with how worthless you made me feel.
For now, i'm on my own. And the scars are there and real.

Way back when in Bible times,
Being a ***** was like a crime.

But you'd think with today's many advances,
We'd offer more people second chances.

Today we have lepers all around.
But no one helps them stand their ground.

They come in different shapes, sizes, forms.
Black, white, yellow, orange.

Homosexuals, transgender, maybe different than you.
They're all human beings, respect them too.

Don't hate because they have darker skin, being yourself is not a sin.

Don't hate because someone is in the wrong clothes.
It's not your choice, that's just how it goes.

And remember just how lucky you are, getting married at the altar.
While maybe two women or men somewhere near.
Are living together with one great fear.

You can get married, so why can't they?
Why do opinions get in the way?

Just tell me what's wrong with accepting everyone?
Do you think war, prejudice, and tragedy's fun?

Change can be hard, but change can be good.
Make the world become what it should.

What is life?
Is it a time or a place?
A new opportunity, perhaps just a race?
A world of experience, whether good or bad
A marvelous adventure of fun to be had?
Is it maybe an object, and item or two?
Is it a belief, a value of few?
Perhaps it's a person, or maybe career?
Isn't there more than that to hear?

But I think life's pointless, each day the same
Shooting blindly with nothing to aim

Raised me like I'm one of your own
Teach me the things of the world unknown
Built my foundation, strengthened my core
Gave me an abundance of joy to explore
Then you took it, my joy disappeared
I was locked in a realm so very unclear
Didn't know what went on, nowhere to turn
The lesson at hand is a hard one to learn
Sealed me with an iron sheath
So nothing can penetrate beneath
Guarded and cautious, but stronger today
Pain is the price of living to pay

A lonely little girl, so thrown off track
Too far gone to be pulled back
Scours the trails searching for love
Or maybe a sign from far above
Gray and weary, crawling along
Listens closely for heaven's sweet song
Lies down in a patch of of sweet green sorrows
Preparing for endless todays and tomorrows

See how we fit together, perfect like a glove.
I see your eyes light up and know it's eternal love.
Sitting all alone, longing for your touch.
Didn't know it was real, how could i love someone so much?
How i feel your presence, even when you're not here.
Feel the warmth spread through my body, and i know you're near.
Even though we're far apart, i feel this beating in my heart.
Distanced only by little things, can't deny how you pluck my heart strings.

A fat little girl
              ....
A small little child with curly brown hair
Chubby, pink cheeks with skin so fair
Eats, enjoys, indulges and more
Everyone says "she's full for sure"

A fat little girl
              ....
A sweet little girl, with long pigtails
Sees all the girls, and wonders why she fails
They all have friends, but why doesn't she
How come they're all so happy

A fat little girl
              ....
A shy little girl, afraid to face her school
Everyone laughs, she's fat and 'uncool'
Sitting alone each and every day
Wondering why they treat her this way

A fat little girl
              ....
A mature little girl, much for her age
Looks at the number on the scale enraged
Hating herself and what she's become
Wishing to see all her bones such as some

A fat little girl
              ....
A fat little girl, no food on her plate
Determined as hell to lose all this weight
Her friends and her family, see her each day
More and more frail, withering away

A sick little girl
              ....
A skeleton of a girl, who once was happy and bright
Her eyes now dark and hollowed at night
Clinging to life with her small, bony hands
Regretting all childhood reprimands

A dead little girl
                 ....
A dead little girl, now merely a corpse
Leaving everyone behind feeling remorse
A closed casket service, nothing left to show
Wants to be be remembered as we all know

Do you hear the music playing?
Soft as a lullaby.
So subtle, yet captivating; a tear falls from your eye.

Do you hear the melody?
So calming and sweet.
The music fills you and your heart thuds along with the beat.

Can you feel your naked soul being wrapped in song?
Each note sends a shiver, you haven't felt in so long.

Listen to each note breathe, in perfect harmony.
Find yourself wanting to sing, just set yourself free.

See the lights slowly dim, as you slip away.
Hear the music softly fade, and wait for it to return another day.

My knife is my comfort.
My blood is my tears.
My shield is concealing the greatest of fears.

My cuts are my refuge, my way to escape.
Watch as the problems pour out of each scrape.

"I'm fine" is my cover, it is such a lie.
Because no one's there to answer my cry.

Feeling the tip pushing into soft flesh,
Still clean and unbroken, perfectly fresh.
Sharp and gentle but only at first.
Torture and bloodshed quench only this thirst.
Dancing so lightly, sends shivers throughout.
Mind in a storm, darkness tunnels about.
Clouds form overhead and the rain starts to pour.
Thick, crimson droplets collect on the floor.
Winds then pick up and all things are destroyed.
Left bits and pieces you try to avoid.
No time to recover, the ground crumbles below.
And out of the depths, comes a shadow.
Strikes with the most abhorrent of claws,
dismembering victims with bone-crunching jaws.
Splattering blood, insides and more,
Leaving stains darker, more now than before.
The clouds dissipate, a light ray shines through.
Making the carnage glow, a brilliant red hue.
Echos of cries and screams fade away.
Piles of dead bodies, left on display.

It all started with "lose a few pounds" but now she's stuck wandering these grounds. Looking for someone she'll never find. Very soon she's losing her mind. Those feelings so real, that voice so sweet. Come now dear, you mustn't eat. Not one morsel, no single bite. Remember, you have the power to win this fight. Don't you see your hideous reflection? My dear, you're the opposite of perfection. So, my darling, everyday, do you want to live your life this way?

Constantly hurting both outside and in.
Nothing is worth it
How long has it been?

Now sleeping and eating come with a price
No more peace, just endless nights.

Tired of barely living at all.
Pain always lingers
I hear its call.

Not always worth it
I can't get  a break.
If this is a dream,
I'm ready to wake.

They whisper to me, whenever they can...
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Just
Do
It
Cut
Cut
Cut
Cut
Bleed­
Cut
Cut
Why
Won't
You
Listen
Cut
Cut
Cut
...and then i give in.

Everyone should have a place in this world.
Whether you're goth, nerdy, or a preppy girl.
But where do you go when you don't belong.
Everyone and everywhere you turn is wrong.
Why can't we be accepting, to all human beings?
We're really not all that different, even though that's how it seems.
So don't leave out the kid with glasses and braces.
Don't shun the teens with acne covered faces.
There is so much damage little words can cause.
Just stop pointing out everyone's flaws.