He broke me
I wrote again
I cried again

I lost myself inside my own mind
I convinced myself that he was the one
But he never was

He was many things
both good and bad
but he was never mine

The problem with that is
I tried so hard to make him matter
I told myself lie after lie

He burned and burned
Just like a moth I was drawn to his fire

He is not worth these words
Or the hundreds I've given him before
He deserves to be happy
and so do I

We never deserved one another
Yet somehow we ended up here
I fell in love with the boy who burned a
and now this is me falling out

I wanted nothing more than to please you
I went along with every word you said
***
Drugs
Love
Was it all a lie?

I was fragile and innocent
Like glass you shattered me
I can feel a black hole inside me
Where your love should have been

I don't know what I want
but I know it isn't you
not anymore

One wanted my body so bad
He was crippled by his desires

Another held me so tight
I thought I might suffocate

One more came along
He let me roam free
But even the freedom felt like a dream

There was one I found perfect
But he just wanted to use my kindness
And he didn't think twice about it

Boy after boy
I no longer have the desire to go on
I can no longer face the "I love you"s
Without breaking down in a puddle of tears

I don't know how to explain
   what the hunger does to me
             but I can try

The hunger pains are an addiction
       without them
I am l o s t

I'm nothing without them
       I'm nothing without the control
I want
       nothing but beauty

Trying to be strong
it hurts
Eating
it hurts
Your disapproval
******* hurts

Be happy for me
I found my happy place

isn't that what you wanted?

Thank you for teaching me
That sometimes
All I have to give
Will not be enough

Thank you for being
So selfish
And showing me
Some people
Only know how to drain
Not heal

Thank you for proving
That some people
Are not as good
As I want them to be

Thank you for the reminder
That not everyone
Has the same heart as me

I tried to make him matter
I searched the whole world
Looking for the words
I spread myself so thin
Trying to turn him into art

He is not a hurricane
Hurricane's have more power than he will ever have again
He is not the sun
He can neither warm my skin, nor light my dark
And he is most definitely not a God
as he liked to believe himself to be

So what is he then
If not all those things I was lead to believe
Is it true
Could it be
Is he only human

When I was younger
The red and blue lights
Would remind me I'm safe

The same red and blue lights
Have turned me into a shadow
I no longer have the strength
No longer have the will to go on

Red and blue
Was the colour of the sky
The night they took away my best friend
Red and blue
Once more lit up the night
When they came to take away my second chance

They were meant to be a saving grace
A symbol for life and protection
But what's the point

They no longer protect me from the real threat
The real offenders that walk the street
The red and blue
The sirens
All they do is take from me what I love

There are some things
I'll never understand
How the seasons change
Why people come and go

The one thing I am certain of
Is that the moment we shared
No matter how brief
Has changed me
And continues to change me

I am whole
With and without you
I am changing
Growing
Blossoming

I want to be someone
Someone you would be proud of
Someone with kindness
Woven into every fibre of their being

But although I am kind
I am many other things
So thank you for the pain
The tragedy
And the heartbreak

Thank you
For being the inspiration
The light and
The love

Thank you for leaving me
With no choice but to fight for myself
I am stronger now

I miss you still
And sometimes my mind is a blur
I will miss you always
But I am no longer
Incomplete

Even in the warm summer months
I feel so cold
Because of you
A part of me is missing
I've become a black hole

Shivers run down my spine
I no longer believe I have the right to be alive
All the things you would say
All the things you would do
I kept trying to protect you

You were broken
I thought I could fix that
So I poured all my sunshine
Into all your cracks
And in return I asked that you love me back

But I was undeserving of your love
Or at least that's what you told me
But every time you were afraid
You'd ask if you could hold me

This isn't love and I know that now
I am not meant to pour myself
Into another being
And watch my fire fizzle out

I am sorry but I must go
There is much I still don't know
But when I learn and when I grow
I'll come back

So for now enjoy the show
Farewell
For I have grown too cold

For some I am
Too much
For others
Not enough

But all that matters
Is that for me
I am
the perfect fit

I could feel the darkness
Spilling out of your head
And consuming all of you

I wanted to be your light
The one to show you love
And become your home

They're telling me I'm better
Than this, than you
They sound like a broken record

The truth is
I love your pain
The one you inflict on me, anyway

I like the fact
That through my pain
at least
We're connected