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I'm so far inside myself
Starting to feel like someone else
Getting lost in the dreams
Of the girl in mirror
That I can no longer see
She's beginning to scare me
And it seems like my mind
Is her favorite flavor of coffee
She drinks up my thoughts
And gets a rush of energy
All I can feel for her is envy
Yet, she's supposed to be inspiring
And me? I'm practically dying
Just waiting for the mood to strike
Finding the right music to surround me
It's tiring and
I've been living life so patiently
Feeling like
It's starting to get to me
Breaking the mirror inside my eyes
Does nothing
Neither does smoking out my mind
She just seems to soak it all in
Breathing in the fumes of my coffee
Giving me nothing but an empty space
And my face
Is just her face, minus the evil grin
I can't even begin
My muse is addicted
Trying to get her on the mend
Find the fix she needs
So this beginning
Doesn't start with the end
 Jul 2016 Jane Bell
m i a
the dogs are barking even louder than before,
it seems as if though america is waging war,
everyone is locking their doors,
no one knows who to trust anymore,
i'm sitting here looking left and right,
not knowing why there are all of these fights,
it's getting harder for me to sleep at night,
my nightmares are getting worse,
this life is a curse.
i'm afraid for this generation. i'm afraid for the world. humans ruin everything.
 May 2016 Jane Bell
Luna Fides
I told you before.
Do not fall in love with me.
Because I am a writer
And I will write stories in between our thighs
about how you read me until the ******
just to leave you with a cliffhanger.
I will plot chapters on your tongue
Make sure I go in and out,
And all around.
I will make sure you remember that
I taste like fully fleshed out tragedies,
I will create pages out of
the way your eyes looked like at sunset
or the way you brushed your hands through my hair
then rip them all out.
I will tattoo letters on your skin,
I will make the words bleed out of your being
You will know how it feels to be broken into pieces,
and still be considered a masterpiece.
Because I told you didn’t I?
Do not fall in love with me.
Because I am a writer
and I can love you too
and destroy you
all the same.
 May 2016 Jane Bell
Melinda
Mess
 May 2016 Jane Bell
Melinda
he destroys himself to feel something
he tries to repress his thoughts but they keep coming back
he doesn't seem to care 'cause the drugs,
they keep him high in the clouds
the alcohol seems to light his insides up
he's slowly killing himself in order to survive
all he ever wanted is to stay alive
he thinks he isn't worthy of any good because he ****** up too many times
he thinks he's just a mess
but he's more than that
*he is all i need in my life
 May 2016 Jane Bell
Melinda
Monster
 May 2016 Jane Bell
Melinda
what if the person that gave birth to me
the one that was supposed to love and accept me
used to be the monster i was afraid of at night
the one that told me i was worthless all the time
what if the person that gifted me with my life
*is actually the person that made me want to die
 May 2016 Jane Bell
Luna Fides
if i show you
will you understand?

how i've outlined these arms
vein after vein
where sunlight runs
i see only
lines to trace

i got a barcode on my wrists

scan me for the price
of beauty

i am as expensive
as what people think of me.

do you know what it feels like
to attach your worth
to weighing scales
and waists that never
slim down?

is this why they call them
shoulder blades
to cut through
your skin
to be called
"pretty"

thigh gaps that map
the distance between your legs
to make you
matter so much
you can't stand on your own
feet.

when you walk the shoes
we wear
will you know?

the path to be
called beautiful
is full of
self-hate

and we pay for that bill.
 May 2016 Jane Bell
Aly the Pear
I am the problem
I can see the annoyance
In their tired eyes

"I am so sorry"
"For what?" they spit like acid
"Existing, perhaps"

They are sick of it
My need for reassurance
My anxiety
A set of haikus relaying my experience with anxiety
 May 2016 Jane Bell
Delaney
But is it really such a crime?
Avoidance, that is.
I wouldn't call it isolation,
nor anti-social behavior.

Perhaps I just enjoy the quiet
and the decrease in anxiety
a bit more
than mindless chatter
and having to worry about everything I say.

Please, darling,understand this one thing.
I'll avoid people quite often until my last breath.
Only under this circumstance shall I function semi-correctly.

(d.d.b)
 May 2016 Jane Bell
Rachael Judd
At one moment, your depression is telling you that you don't care what happens. Then the next moment, your anxiety is screaming and clawing at you to do something. Having depression and anxiety is a constant war inside of yourself. Though, there are no winners.
 May 2016 Jane Bell
ASB
After my father died, you said
you wanted us to stay children.
We both knew that statement didn't apply
to me; I stopped being a child at 13.
I was more mature than my sister
so you didn't mind taking
your problems out on me.
If you were tired or upset
you would blame me for
anything and everything,
and I understood, because of
everything you'd lost.
But you were my mother.
I loved you and I needed you
and you stopped being a parent
the day he died.
I told myself it was harder on you;
you had lost your future, all your
dreams, hopes, plans; all I lost was
yesterday, for I would someday build
a future of my own.
But the truth is, mom, it isn't fair.
It's not fair that my sister can make
mistakes and I can't. It's not fair that
I have to cook; clean; do laundry,
while you complain about your life.
It isn't fair that I was bulimic
for years and you never noticed,
that you always cried out on my shoulders
and let me cry myself to sleep alone.
It is not fair to tell your daughter
that you want to die. I was only
fifteen and I had no father, and I
told myself it was okay but can
I honestly tell myself that now?
I stopped being a child at 13
and I forgave you for everything,
but now I am an adult and I am
lonely and exhausted and you
never seem to really see me,
and I am done
forgiving you;

I learned to forgive
myself
instead.
Truth is, I know she did the best she could. I'll probably delete this in the morning.
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