its christmas and the only gift i want is to lose weight

i am going to try to articulate.
i am borderline
even more so, a gemini borderline.
if that has anything to do with it
i must have all the attention on me
at least that's what they say
but i think it's true because when you were in my bed
and you left
i said wait
you were not him.
you were someone else
who held my hand
and held me
so i must have all the attention,
again, a gemini.
a flirt,
i cannot control my impulses because of this disease
i thought i was okay
but now i see ill never be better
because i am a liar
and a lover
but not always of one
atleast,
thats what i say.

Fighting for herself,
a woman stands her ground.
She is we.
We is the women of the world, finally standing up for ourselves.
A woman knows she is strong. All on her own.
Against a man’s pride.
Awaken, women of the past,
Powerful women must unite.
be with us now.
All mighty women.
With the destruction of the man’s arrogance,
All men must come to understand their ignorance.
With this comes women howling with enthusiasm.
Breaking down barriers of the patriarchy.
Lower pay, ****** exploitation, being treated as if women are “lower” than all men. All these things that have shut out women for so long.
Well, watch this.
Smashing the wall,
standing our ground.
A woman is a hell of a force.
Don’t you know they named her Mother Nature for a reason?
We must help to resist.
Women do not come without being prepared.
It is an organized chaos.
As if it is Mother Nature herself.
Incredible and blazing.
A cure,
to what is wrong.
Women. Finally fighting for what’s right.
Women. It’s going to be a hell of a fight.

She was 13 years old the first time.
A mix of tequila and pain killers.
Laying on her bed, she did not know what to do.
Made a mistake.
Her brother tries to stick his finger down her throat in hope she wouldnt die.
Police said it was "teenage angst" a "typical teenage girl"
She refused to speak to them because they didnt understand.
"stupid girl." her mother says.
Goes to therapy and gets diagnosed.
But her mother doesn't think the diagnoses is real.
"You want some fries?"
18 years old the second time.
Roommate found her unconscious, brought to hospital.
Roommate is crying.
She felt so guilty.
Gets sent to Hell with people who all tried to **** themselves.
Gets jokes about her anorexia.
"You eat barely anything, no wonder you're so skinny!"
5 days of playing chess and daytime napping.
Can't go back to school.
3rd time it was winter. 19 years old.
Extremely cold. Probably 20 degrees.
She went out running, hoping she'd get hit by a car.
Cars are really good at stopping for pedestrians.
Spent 2 hours trying to **** herself.
She cried when it didn't work.
Went and banged on a facilities door at 12am.
Screaming help,
because now she's just tired.

Do you ever crave a person?
Not just physically,
but mentally.
You want the soothing sound of their voice.
The way they say your name,
and everything that comes out of their mouth.
But I'm afraid,
because I have someone already.
And one cannot live with 2 lovers.
One cannot be in love with more than one person.
But I am.
I feel this love coming from you,
the "they make me feel better when im upset." Or
the "this is the person i want to call every night and tell them about my day."
I love them both,
but must i choose?
If I do.
I choose you.

i dont know what to do
at this point
i feel nothing
i keep running around in circles
trying to figure it out
but i see the end of this rotary
thousands of miles away
and im so tired
so i cannot reach it