i've been stuck and wordless for so long.
there are no words to explain how i feel.
how do i tell you i missed class today due to depression keeping me in bed?
how do i say that i keep trying so hard but it's just never enough?
how do i try to do something that is supposed to make me happy but i end up getting no pleasure from it?
how do i live like this?
like im constantly drowning
like there's "no cure"
like i am a failure and whatever higher powers are up there sure like to make sure i know that
like im unforgivable
like i throw my heart into something only to get each artery ripped out one by one
like i cannot be real.
things havent been okay for a long time.
i fake it.
i tell people im doing much better
because i look okay.
i act okay.
so why should it matter?
how can i tell you im broken hearted?
like i am trying my best but it just doesnt work
it wont ever work.

I want to hide.
I want to isolate.
I want to leave.
Because this was a mistake that I can't easily get out of.
I see myself and all i see is a disappointment.
A sad, fat, shameful disappointment.
I hate myself so much and I am so afraid because now I'm eating everyday and I can hardly stand my body.
I look in the full length mirror and I don't recognize myself.
I used to be so much smaller.
I want to cry.
What am I without my eating disorder?
A shell of a boring, annoying person.
Not special.
Not unique.
Just, Belle.
I pretend like I'm okay,
but I'm not.
Belle is useless and can't think of anything else except for when to leave and can go back to behaviors again.
I am absolutely horrible. Seven times in residential treatment and nothing has helped.
Why am I still trying?
Maybe when I leave this time the eating disorder will **** me.
Cause after this, I don't have any more opportunities.
I am untreatable, unlovable, and unseen.
I act like the perfect patient, because the more I do that-- the quicker I get out of here.
"I cant wait until I starve myself again"
Constantly repeats in my brain.
i am tired.
i am in ******* pain.
i am crumbling
i am not okay
but i am happy.
My eating disorder gives me more happiness than anyone ever has.
I am my eating disorder.
I just wish I could shrink
I just wish I could have that control
I just wish I could make nobody know about this.
I am surrounded by people who support me,
but I want none of it.
Yet I wonder why I feel lonely.
I am worthless, I am a willful brat.
Even when I am pushing so hard, I'm still just as pointless.
My family can't wait until I get better.
I can't wait until I get worse.
I don't know what to do anymore, I want to recover, but I can't. I'm too hyper focused on being thin that nothing else matters.
Nothing will ever matter.
Not anymore.

don't tell me it's going to be okay
when all i've eaten today was my own fingernails and a smoothie
but i want that ******* cupcake---
when i eat it though i dont even enjoy it, i force myself into hating treats so that i dont win.
so i take a bite and i just want to cry
don't tell me it's going to be okay
when no other treatment center will accept me anymore
and my insurance barely covers me because they're so fed up
i've left AMA twice and have been kicked out three times
now it seems im about to go to my seventh round of residential and people are saying i have control over it
"the eating disorder is not a separate entity" they say
then why do i want to eat but i'm literally being forced not to
then why do i want to say sorry to everyone i've hurt and every person i said "im not eating" to that has just wanted to help me, but the eating disorder tells me to focus on myself
then i must be the dissappointment,
then i must be a ****** person
don't tell me it's going to be okay
when i want to go home and just be with my mom
when i'm scared my dog is starting to like my mom more than me and it makes me want to crumble in agony everytime he follows her and not me, and won't sleep on my bed anymore any time im home. because all ive done to him was leave him for treatment
i understand if he hates me
don't tell me it's going to be okay
if all i want to do is isolate
and nap
and cry
and cut everyone out of my life,
even the ones i love dearest
dont tell me it's going to be okay
when i see my weight go up not even a pound
and i want to rip my skin off
and throw myself in front of a moving vehicle
not quite die but feel the pain i believe i deserve after gaining
don't tell me it's going to be okay
when i THRIVE off the look people give me when i say i havent eaten all day
or have thoughts of harming myself
and everytime someone says "gee you look sick"
i feel like im doing something right
don't tell me it's going to be okay
when i couldnt even get through a semester of college
without nearly dying
and am supposed to be going into my junior year but i've only got enough credits to be a first semester freshman
im a failure in all aspects
don't tell me it's going to be okay
because it wont be.