It’s been years since we spoke
An actual conversation
I don’t know what you might feel or how you might feel
I’ve always made an effort to vent and reach out but with every passing year it seems the shoulders I hoped to lean on just seem to have turned away
Speaking out to someone feels like a burden
I’m plagued by guilt
I wake up with angst and I can’t explain
I have thoughts that maybe one day you’ll just find my remains
Seems like I scream loud but my lungs aren’t filled
I miss my friends
But I can’t say I feel Ive always had them .
Remember next time you catch me smiling
Is it genuine or am I just blending in like the past few years
You really wouldn’t know
And I would probably never say

Could I
Would I
Take a moment
Just a few counts
Pure
Silence
A thump
The one you don’t often hear
But feel
Every time
That’s what it’s like
So if you see me off somewhere
I’m lost
But somehow you’ve found me there

I still sit back and wonder how I ever got a chance.
still remembering your look at the Halloween dance
Not a mad monster party but you had me like a mummy in a trance
Wanted to impress you but no self confidence at the time
little did I know somehow I'd have you at my side
as funny as it may be and so long ago yet those are some of my best memories that I can't let go
Don't ask me why I've managed to stay around so long
if I had a response it's like listening to that one feel good song
switch it up though
she's a beauty and I'm the adicto..

Never my second option
always wanted to be first
Swallowed my pride
over the years  kept my distance but still at arms reach if you needed me
if you wanted me
probably not
But still somehow you imprinted on my thoughts
Crushed always
every little conversation  is meaningful
though I might never get the chance
I can stay hopeful and if not now or then well
in another lifetime I guess

Hope gone
Faith lost
No gates
Just walls
Donations always made it
but never answered my calls
Might have to buy my way into heaven
Guess he doesn’t listen because a prayer is always free

If life wasn’t meant to have meaning
You would be free of all emotion
Always searching for a hint
Maybe a hidden clue
A map towards your grand treasure
If you served no purpose
You would believe the doubts
The everyday struggle becomes serenity
Now that you’ve spent seconds pondering these words
Ask yourself..was it worth it? If so
You value your life
If not
Well it’s not a total loss because life has no meaning
Other than your own

She reads all the signs with a glimmer of hope
And she walks down a path that feels safe yet unknown
The writing on the wall just becomes an aesthetic  
Thoughts heavy enough to make her put down her crown and adjust
Subversive when it comes to trying to make things change
but why all the constant efforts if things stay the same.
Reminder that the world once crumbled at your feet and like everything else it's forgotten just like lock on your wall that once required a key.

Once an after thought
Maybe a second option
But it doesn’t matter
I only wanted a chance
Now that I have you here
My heart stops but mind won’t let this pass
I cant find the words
But I can show you how I feel
Like a dream
I’d pinch myself
And you laugh at my reaction
You can tell it’s all so real
Genuine like nothing you’ve ever had
Amongst all the others you’d never guess I’m the only good out of the bad

sometimes I day dream you'll give me a moment
But as I sit and think about it
every opportunity  we have just never seems to work.
whether you got things to do or people to see
It's clear you've got time for others  just not for me
Hurt wouldnt be the word to describe what I want to express
more like confident that I'm better than the rest
I'll let you figure that out when he sends that late night text
you'll realize that his lust isn't love it's  all about the *** and as you sit there full of regrets  if I come to mind it's because you know those chumps aren't even on my level not even close to 2nd best.

Feeling foolish if you ask me
didn't take a chance instead listened to my heart beat...... skip
because I rather not take a chance
Call me a mute when it comes to speaking romance
Across the room let me take a step and ask for your number
better yet a date
time, set, and a place?
Not much to offer but kind words and a heart to grow
If it's riches that you seek it's a good thing I hold my tongue while the ship sinks
but if not then we are getting off to a good start
Long walks and long talks 
because apparently no body wants to get to know you anymore
Rather put it all out there in 1 sentence if you ask me it's not always about patience
because life's to ******* boring somtimes not to take a chance .

This game of life I'll explain it like chess
only the way she plays is with her own rule set
No King to start and she doesn't need one either
No Checkmate she still rules her board with authority no Rooks, no bishops she moves how she pleases
me I'm still sticking around like a pawn scheming
almost undetectable  , unnoticed  at times but I'm still trying to make it across proving to her
I CAN BE YOUR KING
if she allows it
still moving one step at a time in any direction I please
but I always keep in mind this is her playing field and that's the key
I'll keep taking out those in my way until I reach my final place
it's a well thought out game not to be played with emotion or distress
always calculated at my own pace every move I make I'll make sure it's to impress

If you ever needed something to doubt
it's connections
Feeling uncertain
or mislead by the things being said
Is it a false sense of protection ?
we often romanticize our interactions with others
we forget the heart has it's needs
and it can deceive and project a false perception
The hunger to feed the brain outweighs any other need
But we keep it simple and let our insecurities take the lead
Moving foward with whatever feels safe
telling yourself you feel like you're  In a better state
some kind of comfort zone
did you ever stop and think it was never created on your own
everyone's been given a piece to hold
Unknowingly giving up the keys to your throne
Turn things around before it gets old
Be bold , go against all the lies you've been told
it's okay to be alone it's okay to be part of the unknown
Next time remind yourself of that when you feel the unwanted attention overflow
it might be that extra baggage you refuse to let go all because of that fear of someone saying I TOLD YOU SO

Soft to the touch
Breath Taking
heart racing
smile to make me melt
eyes that hypnotize
I can't even keep eye contact with out a grin across my face
oh what it is to be crushed

Sit back
Set in
Contribute to the balance
Steady on a path
No leads to be exact
Just writing my own map
Many places to cross
There and back
Ever after sort of thing
Stroll on by it’s not yours
The world can only spin so much before you feel the ride.

Ever wonder what it's like?
Have you ever had a cramp?
Kind of like that
only it's not as easy to just stretch
unless it's the brain
stretch the mind that I might be happy someday
I've kept things in because that's what I was taught
Bottle it up
it's only your thoughts
it's all in your head
out of sight out of mind right?
if only it was that simple
I'd vent but I think to some it's gotten old
maybe once I'm gone people might say everything seemed okay
take it to my grave
all the **** I've been holding
I guess that's why they silence is golden

I’m honest
Just ask
It’s not a secret
It’s what I feel
I won’t hide
I won’t fade
I care
I do
But if it’s too much
I understand
It’s just every now and then
I’d like to know
How are you ?

Everyday every second
Amazing
Nothing to compare
Hurt you?
The gods wouldn’t dare
In time of war ,love, or simply for a hug
I’m there
Protector
Teacher
Hero
Villain
I will be
I am
Forever
Your father

Whether I’m  happy
Sad
In pain
Pensive
Excited
Even mildly bored
When is it ok to feel anything ?

Choices with hope
Actions questioned
Time well spent
Given the moment
Expect a reaction
Stand alone
Stripped of envy
Free to speak
Accept and feel
Happiness becomes a vice
Not a state of mind
Let go of the baggage
It’ll lighten up the climb

You wouldn’t believe I do
I am
From every thought you have
To every doubt
Rethink
I’m not in the realm of things
Nor do I abide by rigid practices
I seem out of whack
That’s because in a sense
To some maybe
Or just
Free

Destructive with intention to love
No one but myself to blame
A monster created out of the soul of a saint

I can only recall good memories
No use in noting the bad
I don’t dwell
I reminisce  
We had a good thing
Lovely on most days
Working towards improvement was hard but worth it to me
I can’t take back any of the hurt I caused
I can only help repair the damage I’ve done
I don’t deny my actions nor try and justify them because that would be selfish
My peace of mind will only come from your closure
And if it’s not in the realm of thought that’s fine
Just know
I’m here and I’ve never forgotten you

Easy to push buttons to fall in love
Out of all options
I choose all of the above
I like the part where we connect over coffee and a talk
That sensation of holding hands when we walk
The smile from ear to here
That simple touch
Giggle and make me forget
Break up with me
Guide me to the ledge
I’ll show this **** isn’t so tough
I’d gladly jump off
6 feet isn’t much
The landing was soft

Unwanted at my best
Put down to be addressed as a problem
Can’t see through a mirror but you can try
The reflection is unclear but the resemblance is uncanny
How can one avoid a flaw while trying to improve our own
It’s a simple suggestion
A fresh face to look at only helps with forgetting
Same plot same characters
Just a different setting

I'm not one to dwell and I'm not one to build while I'm still trying to repair
I'm not here to try anything funny
Just simple
If that's hard to understand well sorry
Small talks are no longer an interest
I rather get to know you then weasel my way around
have an actual conversation an exchange of noise isn't much to go off of
tell me something
let me see the real you
because I'd like more than just a lovely view.
Call me odd if you will
one thing is for certain
My words can paint a lovely picture
a self portrait
one which people might say my looks could
****..

Amongst all of you
I try to walk the same path
I’m stuck
In a shell
Not even my own to claim
This place is just hell
Everyday is a struggle
Someone new to be
Never myself
Because if I act the way I want to be perceived
You’d walk away along with those who’d love to see me jump off and into the  deep
I’m laughing and drowning In my drink
Blood thicker than water
With hopes that I will sink
I’m empty
I’m cold
My only wish is I might look back and laugh at this if I ever make it to growing old

You’d think giving in would feel free
Quite the opposite
Intangible and perhaps the most enslaving of deeds
Captured in a second
Struggled for a life time
Enjoy the laughs while slow dancing in hopes you’d have me chastised
I forget if I’m supposed to step in the holes that I missed
Can you blame for a second of bliss?

I would laugh but the pain isn't too bad
I would cry but the joke isn't funny anymore
I would think about it but the effort isn't worth it
And I would advise you but my words don't seem to ever stick
I Would like to share a memory but I feel that's all I am now.

Break me
Build yourself
Push me
Don’t pull away
Talk to me
Things aren’t the same

You’d never understand what it’s like to carry weight
No codes to regulate
it’s as much as you can take
Bury all hope and abandon all faith
Just being honest I know some won’t escape
Not like any other
Not to be treated like a ******* phase
My life is on the line
The moment I awake
I’m sorry to my family
I’m sorry to my friends
Lastly I’m sorry to those I’ve ever met
Maybe one day
It won’t be treated as a trend

Except for the end the rest kind of ******
It lacked ******
Fun
Drugs
What did I understand?
None
Everything seemed fine
Till he decided it was time
Got up
Walked outside
Looked up at the sky
One last sigh
The screen went black
Over budget
No rewrite
Let’s assume it meant he was ready to change his life
Quite the ending

Hello again
Seems I've forgotten my ways
The little things
constant change of directions
my train of thought on its way towards a head on collision
And the obstacles on the track don't worry me much
it's more of the thoughts powering the train
Giving into simplicity everyday
A smile might be all it takes
A nod to a stranger walking down the street sending off a reason to believe
Tired of holding all the weight letting go back now and back to the little things

Sometimes I sit and wonder why it doesn't work
Sometimes I sit and day dream of another life
And sometimes I sit and try to remember what we were like
the first time
The first line
The rush
from my brain to my throat
to my tongue
to my lips
The exact placement of my hands on your hips
the words I said to get me this far
I snap out of it and realize
this moment never happened
So how can I possibly remember our first kiss?

There’s moments we remember
There’s moments we never forget
There’s moments of silence ...
We wish we had
Death by stereo
Turn it down or give me death

To the fullest
To the bitter end
Till the wheels come off
Not picking flowers in a garden
Pushing Daisy’s instead
Pay my toll
Hopefully she sings while I ride on to the next life
Dark rooms and tunnels
Lost with no will to find my own light
Can’t live forever
Only thing for certain
One day you’ll die
Made my peace
Always stood tall
Never on my knees
I learned to sprint
You’ve lived your life
Only ever knowing how to crawl

Thinking  about it when it comes to women .
**** I love them all
Not in a way where just *** involved
More like everytime I see them I fall
A smile, a laugh or a touch
Just being in their presence makes a fella fall in love
**** heavenly creatures is what they really are
But the past truely makes them question my motives from a far
Trust me im not looking for a quick one in the back of my car
More like someone to just talk to and maybe heal up the scars
People can go ahead and tell you what I seek is a lie
But all those people walked a different path than mine
Cut from a different cloth
Ofcourse I am a man and I have my flaws
But believe me when I tell you
I don't go a day without thinking of you all
what it would be like to have dinner maybe even a call
or what it was like when we first talked
Memories are all I'll ever have and that's fine
I like to think I live like Johnny
But for all of you I'll walk the line

She used to mean the world to me now all I can do is give her a smile and ask her politely to leave.
I've grown cold and her warmth does nothing for me  ,
Eyes filled with love but I can't reciprocate with even a hug .
I'm sorry can't describe what's going on just that I can no longer give it my all .
Wish I could wipe myself out of your memories
I'm not the guy you fell in love with I'm a shell that you have to put up with.
Don't tough it out it's not worth it.
What I'm doing is slowly moving on
I suggest you do the same
and I hope next time you think about me its just because you liked name..

Dark skies
no signs
full moon next to it
my star
Bright as ever
The first to catch my eye
actually the first of the night
And the only one I care for
The rest don't have the same shine
so far from my reach
I can never really call it mine
I'll just sit back and enjoy the little time I get with it on rare nights

She used to feel pretty she used to feel the luck but just like with everything else Time DOESN'T GIVE A ****..
the prom queen,the popular one,
the type a girl who wouldnt give a time of day unless you  matched her cool
but now all she wants is someone to pick up her kids from school
Maybe a night out
but we all know she's the type you just use now.
vulnerable more than ever the looks fade and so does the crowd.
Throwing up the batsign hoping someone will call
sorry to disappoint but this Cinderella isn't going to the ball.
Wipe the tears honey and just enjoy that you had a moment on top
thought it was big enough to run a muck
And never thought about the fall.

Too many Thoughts all at once
yet I seem to find comfort in the chaos
I may look lost but no one ever really knew where they were going
My patience tested on a daily
and my actions questioned at every movement
But what are my motives?
Am I slowly losing my mind
or am I living too fast
Everyday seems like I'm on auto pilot
Can't remember the last time I cared
I'd find my nitch but I don't know where I put it in the last life
I forget what I did but I relive it somehow
Follow the stars but they don't  often shine around the city lights and I'm not following names on a sign because those roads have already been explored
Boots laced up nice and tight let's see if I can catch some wind and finally fly.

To my other
Though we haven’t met
I wonder what that day is like
The moment
That memory that will never fade
The perfect sunrise and sunset
And everything else in between
I hope it’s not just me..
But that’s how I think I’d feel
When you’re finally at my side .

The way things turn out
Not always expected
A sudden change
A new direction
New set of thoughts
Feeling something
Easier to crack a smile
A warmth when I see a certain face
No need to explain
I’ve been here before
Arrows drawn
Waiting for me to open the door
Only a matter of time
Armor off let’s see what’s in store

She wanted to be loved
but not in a total fairytale type of way, just wanted someone to understand that she was damaged
and still needed love
like everyone .
She would give her all for the one she
loves
Passionate and crass was her way .
A queen in ever aspect of her personality.

A melody stuck in my head
The sound that makes me joyful
Stuck on repeat
No matter the genre
It’s constantly on play
Pause for a few seconds
Cherish ever note
Every line
Let me play your strings
You’ve already strummed mine
A song from the heart
Lyrics without a frame
Humming the chorus
For some reason I can’t remember the name

Relive the moment
Re-read The history
Repent from the past
Reiterate the words
Rethink the logic
Remember the hardships
Restrain The inscurites
Rewrite The map
Retype the joy
Reassure the foundation
Recite the goals
Re-do the next day

The same record played
The same joke told
Seems like these things happen so often
They’ve gotten old
Parents using college funds to give their child a proper grave
A place we gathered and felt safe
Now treated as a shooting range
Stepping on to campus is the same as teasing death
But no one wants to hear it
So I guess hold your breath
Clutch your grips
Hope that when you turn on the news it isn’t your kids