I do not want you to cry

Most of you
Crying at my grave
I don´t even know just yet
At least so I hope

Still, I do not want you to cry

I want to die old
Surrounded by family
Surrounded by friends

Well knowing what I did
With a proud smile
I want to part
From my body
At least for this life

I want you to laugh
To remember

And yes...
If you feel like it
You may cry

Though not forever

Life keeps going on

We have no choice
No say
It´s better that way

I don´t know when
I don´t know how

I just want you to know
No matter who will be there

That I was proud
And happy
I am now
I shall always be

A reflection of the self
The bathroom mirror shows so much more

Her eyes
An ocean trapped in an endless storm
Marks of heavy tears below
And sleepless nights

Her lips
Kissed by cherries
Smiling hurts some days
Sobs kept falling out of it

Her skin
A desolate winter night
The sun was always avoided
The night was her only friend

Her hair
Colored in the same shade as the trees
Sometimes short, sometimes long
The bangs always straight

She is beautiful
Not even broken
Just bent

A reflection of the self
The view I give myself shows so much more

Time never stops
For no one

You can´t keep living in the past
Expecting a bright future

Death is close
Will you dance with him?

The end is the beginning
Will you embrace it?
You cannot run
You cannot hide

It will keep haunting you
Until you cut all the ties

The past is not your home
Not anymore

Let it go

Or you will be drowned

Your inner child
Is still afraid
Is still wanting to play

The monsters in the wardrobe
The most lovely doll
It´s still waiting for you
Into the depth of your mind

Sometimes it calls out to you
But you won´t listen

Only your dreams
Offer ashore
For the forgotten waves

What will you do?

Is it right, is it wrong
You may wonder

Where is the line?

There is none
There is just you
And yourself

Don´t suffocate yourself
Others had done it enough

It´s time to raise
Not out of the ashes
But out of the water instead

Go another way
And maybe you will be blessed
By a children's laugh

,,Do not cry“
But what if I want to?

,,Behave“
But what if I don´t want to?

I always tried to hold back my tears
My mind full of voices
Which tried to blame me
My feelings always drowned
In the fear of displeasing others

It might be my last challenge
I am worthy
Worthy to feel
Worthy to show

I will cry, scream and weep
In their faces

Sadness will be my guest

For a moment
For a day
For a week
As long as it takes

I won´t swallow any more
I will spit it all out
No matter if you like it or not

So take my tears
Take my smile

It will be different tomorrow
Nothing stays the same

I refuse to hide my change
I refuse to hide my emotions

You may leave if you dislike it
Because I won´t give up on my path

I won´t give up on my choices

I did not

Nothing ever made sense to me
Why would they do that
Why would they say that

I never felt like they felt
I never spoke as they spoke

It felt unfitting, unwanted
There was always a wall between us
Nothing I tried to built
Just something which appeared

Scars always seemed to tell a story
A story I was interested in
Until I carried them on my own

Suddenly they felt heavy
Heavier then they looked on others

I thought they would make you strong
They do
But they are also a burden
And always will be

Nothing will ever let them disappear
You can just learn to live with them

That´s just part of life, I guess

Still, I wonder why me

All I ever waited for
I always waited in vain

Nothing I desired
Was meant to be in the end
Meant to be mine

Is there something wrong with me?

Nothing and no one
Ever could comfort my burning soul

I learned to live with it
It belongs to me, I accept it

Though some nights I wonder
How it would be
To be listened to and understood
To be comforted and held

Like rain
So sad and yet so beautiful

A gloomy day
Wrapped up in endless hope
An endless disappointment

Still, I pray
My voice doesn´t even shake anymore
It feels like everything is ignoring my existence

Fate
Oh what hate I felt towards you
Ever since I can remember
I tried to love you
But I doubt you wanted me to

A month of success
But for who?

My name seems to be missing
On every single list
Like I am outside the circle

Maybe it should make me proud
Maybe I should cry
Or laugh

But all I can think of is silence