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1.3k · Nov 2017
Terror
50RR0W Nov 2017
Stop it!
Just stop it all!
I don't want this anymore.
I don't want these tainted memories!

You're constantly there, even when you're not.
I can't seem to escape the madness in my mind.
Every time I close my eyes you're there. Grinning at me.
Why do you torture me so? What have I done to deserve this?!

I've done what you've asked and let you be yet here you are still plaguing me!
What more do you want?
I'm tired, drained and done with all of this.

I just want to lay in bed at night and sleep with no issue.
I just want to move on with my own life and be happy.
I just want to be me again.
But you're there... holding the half of me I need to be whole again.
Anxiety flare ups of my ex are happening again. Out of no where they hit me and it may have almost costed me my job the other day. I'm just so done with this pain. I've done everything I can but nothing seems to work anymore.
609 · Dec 2017
Silence/Sound
50RR0W Dec 2017
What is this silence that seems to remain in place?
The only thing I hear is the ringing of white noise surrounding me.
Its the only thing keeping me sane.

Slowly it fades away leaving complete emptiness.
I close my eyes and focus on my own sounds.
Breathing, Heartbeat; To keep myself in check.

None of it seems to really matter anymore though.
The one thing that  used to keep the silence away has faded into nothingness.
Leaving me with only myself to use as a weapon against it.

I must remain strong.
I must remain loud.
I must remain.
Another sleepless night. Words just seemed to come to mind so sorry if its a bit scattered or makes little to no sense.
536 · Sep 2017
Friend
50RR0W Sep 2017
Hello my good friend, Darkness!
How have you been?
Me? Oh I've just been a mess.
Going back there time and time again.

Where you ask?
Oh I'm glad you did!
Its the bottom of a flask!
I know I know, God forbid.

I come here from time to time.
Just trying to find somewhere to put my mind.
It beats the pain and agony that puts me in a bind.
But its a better than being left behind.

Now I drink to forget the old!
To make way to new and better!
No this does not make me cold.
But it also does not put me off kilter.

Oh no, is it time for you to go?!
I'm sorry that you couldn't stay long.
Now don't be a stranger, you can always come say hello!
Because you'll always be there if something goes wrong.
I have been drinking a lot more lately. Mostly to help me sleep due to anxiety driven insomnia. Just a beer or two before bed mostly but a few weeks ago I was going to the bar after work four, sometimes five times a week. Spending money I didn't have or having my coworkers buy me drinks. I know I must not become reliant on it but right now its the only thing that is working. Hopefully it'll change.
430 · Oct 2017
Still Fighting.
50RR0W Oct 2017
Here we are yet again,
Nights that never seem to end.
I'm laying there wide awake.
Still wondering about what mistake,
I made.

Part of me wishes you'd return my texts.
Another wants to meet your face with my fists.
The struggle between whats right and wrong is so real.
I'm not sure what exactly I'm supposed to feel.

Anxiety, Depression and Emotional Distress.
Has all left me in such a mess.
I just want to know...
..where did I go wrong?
This is rather short. Past week or so I've gotten little sleep. Thoughts of my ex still plague me before I try and sleep and I only end up getting a handful of hours of sleep at best each night, most times I'm lucky to get two hours. I just need to figure out how to get over this *******. Is it Anxiety? Depression? PTSD? I'm not sure anymore to be honest. I just want it all to end.
392 · Mar 2018
Drugs
50RR0W Mar 2018
How do I do this?
How do I deal with this?
What to do I take?
How much do I take?

These medications being shoved down my throat.
"Take this! Try This! Have you done this yet?"
I see all these suggestions..
But all I see is time wasted.

I know what I need but I don't know how to get it.
The one who holds the cure is 1000's of miles away.
This is an old one back from when I was still dealing with depression, anxiety and wistfully hoping my ex would return. Not to say I'm not still dealing with all this *******, I am, but its not as intense as before :D
360 · Jul 2018
Passing Thoughts
50RR0W Jul 2018
I know you're out there, having fun.
While I sit here still thinking about what I've done.
You've already said you've forgiven me.
But... that was the old me.

Day by day I struggle with these changes.
Trying to grow and tend to these bandages.
The wounds will forever be fresh.
No healing can be do to this flesh.

I hope one day you can see these changes I've made.
I'll be waiting here in under this tree, in the shade.
While I watch the sun rise.
Maybe one day.. together we can fly.. , once more.
Lots of things have happen to me in the past few months. Both good and bad. Change is something that happens constantly, even when we don't expect it to.
354 · Mar 2018
Or
50RR0W Mar 2018
Or
Some times I sit here and wonder if I still exist in their mind.
If I'm really there or not.
Or if I'm just a ghost from a past they long want to forget,
or,
If I'll be remembered when they're ready to see me once more.

A year approaches fast and all I can really do is smile and shrug.
Do I not care anymore?
Do I not love them anymore,
or,
Is it because I've accepted things that have come to fruition from these events?

I want to think on these things but I fear I won't find answers.
Well, the Answers to Questions that I am unaware of still existing.
Then again, do I really want to know,
or,
Do I really want to forget?
Mindless blubbering that comes to me before bed time. Haven't been on here in a while. Built a new PC so haven't had time to log into all of my 'normal' sites. Hope to be somewhat more active again.
354 · Jul 2019
Forgiveness
50RR0W Jul 2019
Quietly I sit here in this empty space.
Much like a waiting room.
I wonder if I'm going at too fast of a pace.
I wonder if I've caused my own doom.

It has been some time since we last spoke.
I know your life is hectic.
Occasionally I reach out, like a poke.
But I feel like it may be neglected.

I wonder how you're doing,
How have you been?
But I know you keep on going,
Not looking back on the past, the had been.

I know you need your time,
You need your space.
Its been two years in time.
I'm surprised you'd remember my face.

But I hope you're doing well,
It seems like you're doing fine.
Just focus on yourself,
I'll just watch the time...
I know this is kind of everywhere, but its kinda how my thoughts are. Its been nearly 2 years since my ex boyfriend and I ended our relationship. To make a long story short, I ****** up and I realized it all now. After much time I'm pretty stable about it now. Part of this is written in hopes maybe sometime we can get back in touch with each other and at the very least be friends but I fear I may have done too much and ruined that chance. Kinda ***** but I'll manage. I just hope he's doing well and is happy. But I will admit, I do miss him still
341 · Sep 2017
Remembrance
50RR0W Sep 2017
As I stare up at the sky I have the memories we made flood to mind,
The good, the bad, the ugly and all of the kind.
Sometimes I wonder if you think of them too,
Though, that is probably just me being a fool.

The times we had together were some of the best in my life,
Too bad you had to take them all under the knife.
You sliced, you diced until there was nothing left.
All of it seemed as if it was an act of theft.

You ran and hid in a far away place,
To a place where you thought you would be safe.
And I honestly wish I could say this next to your face,
You are nothing but a waif.

I treasure all the memories I still have even though the may bring me pain,
Nothing will stop my attempts in my campaign.
You can run and hide all you want,
But nothing can escape this taunt.

I hope that you can see your foolishness and selfishness,
And see that the whole thing is just a giant mess.
That you'll come out of the darkness that you think is your shield,
And be left in a place where you can finally be healed.

The memories I have left I will always hold and cherish.
And I hope that what we once had can be reestablished.
Wrote about my current feelings about an ex. They basically left me in a dark room with nothing but my thoughts for explanations. I tried to reach out to amend things so that I could finally heal but they're too selfish and one who I thought once loved me with all their heart and soul has discarded me like yesterdays trash. This is what I wrote first to access the site. This place is for me to get out emotions and thoughts. I fear for those who want to read my dark words.
276 · Sep 2017
Shelf Life
50RR0W Sep 2017
Hello and welcome to this ****-fest of a show we call life!
Where everything you do is held to you on the blade of a knife.
But no need to worry you'll be perfectly fine!
Because you're definitely here for the rest of your eternal life.

But do not fret you'll be perfectly okay!
Just sign here, here and here and you'll be on your way.
Down the hall and on the left,
Is where you'll find where you'll life will be kept.
Current feelings. Trying to break out of my rut and some of the things I'm doing is working, some not so much.

— The End —