Anxiety
Controlling my everyday life
Anxiety
Taking my heart and throwing it against the wall
Anxiety
Wrapping around in my head to consume my thoughts
Anxiety
Crying and screaming against my throat
Anxiety
Crashing and thrashing its way into my body making me shudder
When theres a knock at the door
Anxiety
Lighting fires to my insides
Anxiety
Making my hands shake so someone will notice im unbalanced
Anxiety

At one moment, your depression is telling you that you don't care what happens. Then the next moment, your anxiety is screaming and clawing at you to do something. Having depression and anxiety is a constant war inside of yourself. Though, there are no winners.

Sitting side by side he asks in a whispered voice,
"Whats the first thing you notice on a person"
I replied, "their eyes".
After a moments pause he asks me why
I explain that no matter what color or shade
An eye will tell you how deep there secrets go,
How much they love
Or how sad their heart is
Eyes will tell you how passionate a person is
Or how dark the deepest pits of them are.
When i look at you, i see all the good things, and the not so good things.
Everyone thinks the mouth spills secrets and lies
But i promise you, its all in the eyes.

As i watched the moon disappear into the morning light
Pulling on a cigarette
I fell in love with life
As the dark sky created morning air

Overthinking is a misconception
We think that we are overthinking everything
In reality we aren't.
We are just normal minded people
Thinking normal things
Because we have feelings that need to be thought about
We have people **** on us and walk on us
We have people bring us to our knees
And step on our faces
So how are we to know who to trust when so many people let us down.
We are not overthinking every possible situation, we are just thinking because maybe they will turn around and watch us drown.

There was no material, I was just a ball of thoughts,
My body was still but my soul was above me, there was nothingness but yet there was everything. I could feel all the molecules that make up my living body. I died, and came back within seconds. I didn't see a god, I didn't see a hell. There wasn't a light or darkness, it was just an empty space, full of all my thoughts, it's as if when we die, all we see and all we seem is but a thought within another thought. Nothing more, and nothing less. Thoughts and thinking processes, when we are alive we think, and when we die we continue thinking. Mindfilled nothing's, born to think. And born to die, thinking. We are a consciousness.

Life is a puzzle
Where everyone has to fit in,
Belong to society
And the walls they crowd us in
We are all just searching
For the place
That connects
Our empty spaces
To their whole places.
Piece after piece
We start to believe
That no one out there
Is our soul mate destined to be
We continue through life
Puzzled.
Till the day death flaunts our heart
We are completely
Troubled.

Take my hand

And watch me go

To places that are unknown

Follow my feet

Under this bridge

Down the rabbit hole

To meet again

Just like Alice

Lost in wonderland

Mother Nature is calling me home
telling me to escape this horrid place
she whispers in my ear through the wind
saying all the flowers are dead
come with me and you will feel alive
sunflowers and  dandelions
will cover your eyes
there are no dead roses
and trees cut from there souls
only waterfalls filled with healing powers
and sun dazed smiles
She says run with me
and as she grasps my hand
I can feel the earth within her
She tells me run, don't be afraid
we have to leave this place
escape to the moon
so we can watch from above
where everyone looks like ants
and we have the magnifying glass
watching them burn and squirm
and life leaving there dead eyes.

Some trees are harder to climb, some have spindly branches that break with each step you take. Some trees are too high up that the fear of falling enables you to climb. Life is like a tree, sometimes life has spindly branches that break. Sometimes the fall is too great to take another step. But sometimes the climb is worth it, because the view is beautiful.

Pyschedlics in the sky
Just love on my mind
Lust in the sun
And empty bottles of ***
Bitterness on my tounge
Psychedelic paterns trip in my eyes
Laughter is so hard to find
Skinny dippin just to have a lil fun
Cigarettes hanging on my lip
Smoke Filling up my lungs
I can't see no more
Dancing around
In psychedelic skys

~ We miss the nights
Filled with starlight skies
Drinking till our words
Are slurry
And are vision
Is blurry
Laughing by the fire
Our thoughts are intertwined
With one another

We miss the mornings after
Filled with moans
And groans
Waking up to a messy hair
Boy on your left
Smiling to the soft morning air

We miss the days
Filled with a summer haze
The sun kissed our skin
Making our lives
Colorful again ~

Oh, and darling
If you asked
for water
I'd bring you the ocean

Today i found out that you met somebody else.
I thought i was over you,
I stopped crying at night
Letting the black tears stain my sheets
My chest never ached for you anymore
I never felt like i couldn't breathe
Like all the air was slowly suffocating me
I didn't hear your voice in my head anymore
You'd just became a memory that every once in a while id play back the record i saved of our love.
Instead of breaking down every time i saw your face,
It brought me happiness.
Today i found out that i am replaceable by someone else.
someone better.
It hit me like a bullet to the heart
Thrown against the wall as if a wave brought me out to sea and started to drown me.
As the water filled my lungs
I heard your voice again,
But now its muffled by the water I'm submerged in.
I saw your face for just one second
And then the ocean swallowed me.

He took
One look
At her
And he was sure
She was the one
Because her light was brighter than the sun
And her eyes
Were the color of grey skies
Her radiance beamed of gold
And he watched her he told
The world she was magic
And he was nostalgic
Without her presence
He felt a feeling of emptiness
All it took
Was one soft look
At the beauty of her
And he was so sure
She was the one
To hold him till his days were done
And he could be in the grave beside
Her and she would be his bride

You broke down the door to my heart
Came crashing in like a burglar
Coming to steal everything i had
Even what i offered
You left me abandoned
Nothing left in my heart
But broken glass
From the windows you shattered
Pieces that will never be replaced
You broke down the door to my heart
Left hanging by its hinges
Each string that held my heart in place
Now hangs like a puppet
Dancing as you pull the strings
Constructing the dance moves

They told me I was selfish
Cause I had a bullet pressed to my head
With my name on it
They told me I was selfish
Cause I had a knife pressed against my thigh
They told me I was selfish
Cause my legs were bleeding
And I was screaming
They told my I was selfish
Cause my heart wouldn't stop hurting
They told me I was selfish
Cause my bones were aching
They told me I was selfish
Cause my note said I was leaving
They told me I was selfish
Cause they begged me to stay
They told me I was selfish
Cause I needed to go away
They told me I was selfish

I know that I am not enough, there's no need to tell me twice.

When the stars collide,
And the only life we know of turns to dust,
I'll still be here,
Waiting for a second chance to start again.
Another hello,
And a second goodbye

Poetry was her lifeline. If she did not write, her voice would suffocate her, and her screams would silence her. Her hands would shake and her lungs would break.

Hell isn't as bad as it seems
Our only **Escape is a dream
Love was never A permanent solution
We thought it was Real
Time took away all our smiles
Breathing isn't an option
You were Ruthless for another word
But my days were slowly Ending
And you couldn't bear the pain
So you Killed my heart by not speaking

Connect with people you've never met, people you already know, and people you are destined to find

Protect yourself, your loved ones, and even a stranger walking down the street

Respect yourself, the people around you, and our earth we all call home.

Have you ever thought about your life without the demanding concept of time? Chances are you probably can’t, one of the very first things we learn is how to tell time. You know the year, the month, the day of week, right down to the time of day. You have tiny clocks on your wrists, some hung on your walls, there’s one on your screen and even your car. It’s funny how man is so dependent on time. Surrounding ourselves with a paralyzing concept that only man endures. When all around us in nature time is simply ignored, the birds are  not late, and wolves don’t fret over the passing of birthdays. See the world around us lives free while man suffers from the fear of time running out.

I look at this ring every night before I fall asleep, you have this to me the day you asked me to finally be yours. I felt so loved, and cherished. This ring reminds me of such a simple time, when life was working out for a change, and everything seemed to be going right. It reminds me why I stay, why I put up with all the ******* you throw at me. It reminds my heart that you were once a man I was so deeply in love with, that I couldn't bare to not be with you. It reminds of the times you treated me like I was your last breath and all you wanted to say was "I love you." It reminds of when I was your princess and all you wanted was to treat me like an angel.

Now, I stare at this ring. It has left a ring of white wrinkled skin underneath. I stare at it and all I can think is what does it mean, what were you trying to say when you gave it to me? Was it a promise that you knew you could never keep? Was it a lie to shield your heart? Was it this deep fear in your soul that you knew would shatter me? It reminds me of the man I knew before the you you are now. The man who loved me unconditionally. The man who wanted nothing more than a laugh at his expense. Nothing more than a smile that he created. The man who took me in his arms late at night when the demons in my head started to drown me. Who stood by me when my mother drank to much and my father yelled so loudly. The man who took my hand in the breaking waters. The man who wiped my tears before they fell. The man who loved without question.

what happened to the man I once knew?

Was it love?
That shot us into thin air making our insides burn
Like the universe was punishing us
And setting fire to our heart?
Was it lust?
That turned us into the dust that collects on your bedside shelf
That your mother nags you to clean?
Was it love?
That made us break into abandoned buildings at 4 a.m and see flashing lights outside the broken glass windows
Then racing into the trees with racing hearts that could barely breathe?
Was it lust?
That pushed us into this nothingness but disire and we craved every part of one another until there was no space left between us?
Was it love.
Or
Was it lust.

The doctor told me the pills would make me numb.

I guess she was right because I can't even feel the tears spilling from my eyes.

The screams escaping from my mouth.

I can't feel my heart beating against my chest

My hands trembling trying to hold my lovers hand.

I can't hold onto the rope anymore

It's slipping between my fingers

Turning into thread, I'm losing my lifeline

Falling into the abyss, unable to feel my stomach in my throat

It comes with sleepless night
Breath smelling of the cigarettes you've been smoking
Bags under heavy eyes
Shaky hands that constantly fiddle
Racing hearts
Pain that stabs you time and time again
Always checking behind your shoulders
Afraid of a mans touch
The fear, it comes with every inch of fear that will take you over.

It was the first party she was invited to, she knew that the only reason people wanted her to come was because she was having a fling with one of the popular kids. One of the guys who wore the short shorts and southern tide shirts with his hat flipped backwards. She didn't even like the sight herself, but she had just been broken up with from her previous boyfriend and she was feeling lonely. He came onto her about one month after the break up, it was the middle of summer and he was always around hanging out with her brother. She remembered the time when she first really noticed him, they were picking up her brother from work late and night and she was switching from the driver’s seat to the back seat. She was moving things out of the seat when suddenly her brother pulled forward in the car and the wheel was on top of her foot. She was screaming to the top of her lungs and as Brandon leaped out of the car Andrew finally drove forward and the tire slowly released her foot. Brandon picked her up like a husband picks up his wife when they first get married. He placed her in the seat and untied her shoe trying to relieve the pressure. It was the size of a cantaloupe. She was crying from all the pain and her brother raced home to get her mom. They pulled up beside the house and Brandon came to the side and picked her up again cradled in his arms, he placed her on the couch and sat beside her to wipe away the tears streaming from her face.

Brandon taps her shoulder and she realized she was day dreaming of a better time, he motioned forward to the table and she realized that someone had poured shots. "Great" she thought, "the last thing I want to do is drink ***** with all these people around me." She took one and all the sudden everyone was cheering. Thinking to herself she wanted to get as far from here as possible but she didn't want to be the "loser" everyone thought she was. "You look stunning tonight." Brandon said when he was close to her ear. "Thanks, it's kind of a stupid costume thought don't you think?"
"Not at all, you look nice as a **** Santa." She felt so uncomfortable in that stupid costume, she went shopping two weekends ago to the Halloween store next to the mall. She couldn't decide what to wear so her friend picked out a "**** Santa" costume and said that all the guys would notice her in this. She felt her stomach turn. She didn't want people to notice her but she didn't think she could look at these ridiculous costumes any longer.

I feel so out of place, she thought to herself as the drinking went on and the music was growing louder. I don't belong with these people. Brandon wrapped his hands around her waist and she could smell the alcohol coming from his mouth as he tried to kiss her, he was beyond wasted. "Don't you think you might want to slow down a little bit?" She said to him. "What's wrong, this is a party you should be as drunk as I am." He laughed so loud, if she was deaf she would have been able to hear him. It was past midnight and she was getting sleepy, she figured she needed to slow down so she could actually drive back home. She was staying at her mom’s place so her mom wouldn't care if she came home wasted. Why not right? It's a party. So she drank until the room was spinning and she couldn’t stop giggling. She grabbed the bottle and chugged, “Woah, look who was telling me to slow done, how about yourself?” She laughed, “Well I thought you said I should have fun, this is what fun looks like right?” “Do you want to get out of here?” As soon as the words came out of his mouth she headed for the toilet and threw up whatever she was drinking and the dinner she ate before the party.  Brandon had sobered up overtime and drove her car home to her place, with her head hanging out the window so she didn’t throw up everywhere in her car. He pulled up outside her house and she already knew the words that were going to come out of his mouth, “Can I stay?” She felt her stomach turn to knots, and as she worked up the courage to say yes, she threw up right outside her front door in the bushes. He helped her up the stairs to her room, and she told him he could stay if he wanted. So he did. She wasn’t feeling as dizzy anymore so she finally changed into shorts and a tank top for bed. Brandon was laying in his boxers, and although she liked the sight she wasn’t sure this is what she wanted, but her thoughts were all jumbled together anyways she couldn’t think straight. Laying down, the dizziness came back and her stomach felt uneasy, she didn’t know if it was from the ***** or because an eighteen year old boy was basically naked lying beside her. She wanted to tell him that this was a bad idea and he should just go home but she knew he wouldn’t listen, he never did.

The clock turned to three am, and she felt him push against her, she looked over at him wondering what he was trying to communicate to her, and that’s when she realized he wanted to have ***. All she could think was no. There was no way she was losing her virginity on Halloween night when she’s still drunk and can barely see straight. Her thoughts couldn’t make their way to her mouth. She felt like a mime, only able to speak with her hands, but she couldn’t even move. His hands were now on her stomach forcing down her shorts and underwear. All she could think was no. There wasn’t a sound able to escape her mouth. She was trying to wiggle her way out of his touch but his grip suddenly tightened around her stomach keeping her stationary. Her moved his body on top of her and began forcing himself upon her. Tears were staining her bed sheets but she wasn’t screaming for help, her mouth wouldn’t let her. Instead, she cried silently still trying to break free from his body encaging her like a prison. He forced himself upon her again and kept forcing himself until she started to wail. He acted as if he didn’t hear her. No, this is not what I wanted, this isn’t what was supposed to happen. Why is he doing this? She thought as he pushed harder unto her. He loosened his grasp on her arms and she broke from his prison and ran to the bathroom, there was blood, so much blood. Red marks covered her arms and thighs. She didn’t want to go back in there but she didn’t know what else to do, she waited thirty minutes before entering her room only to realize he was fast asleep. She noticed all the blood on the sheets and just cried herself to sleep.

It was sometime in the early morning when she woke up, and he was gone. She heard someone at the door and shot up wondering if it was him, she peeked out the curtains and let out a sigh, Thank god it’s not him, was all she could think. She walked down the stairs realizing how much her body ached. Opening the door, her best friend walked in and she lost it. She began crying in her friends arms telling her everything that had happened last night and all her friend could do was stand there in shock until she finally stopped crying. “You have to go to the police!” Amber said. “No, Amber I was so drunk and stupid they won’t believe me when I tell them what happened. They will tell me that it wasn’t ****. They will tell me that I didn’t say no!” she cried. “Michelle, if you don’t go to the police your just going to let him get away with this? I told you her was a horrible person and yet you still fell for his stupid tricks and look what happened. He ***** you Michelle, can’t you understand that?” “Yes, I do understand. But I didn’t say no, I didn’t scream to get him off of me I just laid there imprisoned and took it.” She said so quietly it wasn’t even a whisper. “I’m so sorry.” Amber said and she motioned for Michelle to come into her arms for an embrace. “It will be okay.”

I lost something inside of me,
I lost a living creature inside of my body.
I feel like i am paralyzed
I feel like something has been taken away from me.
I will forever feel emptyness inside my body.
I will forever be unable to look at myself the same way.
I lost a child, that could have been beautiful
I lost myself in every way.
How shall i deal with this pain?

I was 8
Mom and dad were always fighting
I'd run to my closet
And close the doors
I could still hear the yelling
I begged them to stop
A couple of times
But they tucked me in bed
As if everything was fine
Then one day
They sat me down
In my little pink chair
They sat together
But farther apart than normal
On my bed
Starring at me
Just a little girl
With pigtails in her hair
Looking back
At mommy
And daddy
Everything got quiet
And then dad spoke up
He said baby girl
Mommy and I
Can't live together anymore
You'll see me every other week
And I'll be moving out
You can have a new room
With new toys
And it will all be okay
I didn't cry
I didn't say
I hated them
I just sat there quietly
Mom started crying
Saying it wasn't my fault
Or my big brothers
That there just comes a time
When you aren't happy anymore
And dad walked out
Mom soon followed
Dad moved away
I saw him every other week
They still fight now
When I'm 17
I realized I was always the reason
For the yelling and screaming

How could you love a girl with a broken smile and a black heart. How could you say you love me when I'm crying on your collar bone. Why do you love me, when I have sad eyes and stories that dont end. You say it like your gasping for breath, that it took everything you had and shot it into thin air, waiting for me to grab your love and say it back. I promise you im trying to catch it, but my eyes have gotten blurry and my head has started to fell fuzzy. Somehow it fades, the tears have rolled down my checks falling on the curve of my nose as your hand glides along my face wiping away the pain. Then I say it, the words blurt out of my mouth like something in my mouth tasted like bile and i had to spit the words out. But I mean it, I love you. With my heart on my sleeve and my lungs unable to breathe. I love you with all the pain in my chest and the butterflies in the pit of my stomach.

I'm on my way to where I started
This lonely place I have found myself in
Has too many followers to a certain crowd
of society that only participlated people live in.
They surround themselves with what they call a feeling of being perfect.
We are not perfect people, no matter how hard we try to be. There will always be controversy over who's body shape is better than another's.
If life has taught me anything, is that we are all one being, one thought, all connected in nature. Falling in love with your spiritual being is one of the most important moments in ones life.
Accepting is something I as a person often struggle with. Accepting oneself is hard because people think they could read about it in a book or newspaper down at the local gas station. No accepting oneself is to be loving towards themselves by showing off all their beautiful features that people love about themselves. Being. Insecure is a normal thing that all of us go through but reaching acceptance is like another step towards ones path to enlightenment.
Expand the mind to its fullest capacity. Fill your brain with all the information in the world that you can read in the New York City library. Share a coffee with a complete stranger in a hole in the wall cafe down Main Street.  Tell them how you are on a journey to enlightenment and this is your stop along the way, meeting new people to truly find oneself. Taking notes of everyone you see with crazy colored hair like you. Tallying up the marks of girls you see walking in Central Park smoking American spirt cigarettes, cause you know you'd never quit.

She's the kind of girl
Who picks up the peices
After a broken heart
the girl who saves herself
Instead of waiting to be saved
She's unlike the rest
While girls are going out
On Friday nights with strange guys
And drinking laughter
She sits in her room staring into a book
Reading about the world
She's yet to see
But she's the girl
Who will hold your heart
In the palm of her hands
Like she's holding the world
She's the girl
Who walks with elegance
And falls with absolute grace
Who talks like silver
And sings like gold
Except she only sings in the shower
She's the girl that will stand by you
When you need her on your darkest of days
And will cuddle you under
A starlight sky
She's the girl
Who will smell like
Cigarettes and black coffee
And her nails will be chipped with black paint
And her hair might be a little messy
But she will look at you
With striking blue eyes and love you
More than life
She's the girl who wants one red rose
Instead of a dozen

You ****** with my head
Turning my arms into strings
My mind into nothing
Im just a puppet with no brain
No heart, no soul
You took away the only thing I was able to control
You took away my youth, my confidence, my strength
You held me by my arms and told me not to move
Even with tears streaming down my face staining the sheets and blood leaving my body
You wouldn't stop
You made me into a puppet
With no will power to move on my own
Just waiting for you to pull another string
And let you **** me

They told me your never supposed to see your mother cry.
But what the forgot to mention is that seeing your mother cry isn't the end.

Its when you see your own mother telling her kids that she hates her life and wishes she'd just die.

Its when you see your own mother drinking that last drop of ***** as if its the only thing keeping her alive.

Its when you see your own mother taking all those pills shes subscribed because the doctors think it will fix her.

Its when you see your own mother talking to herself saying, "its time."

Its when you see your own mother laying on the floor passed out, with a still lit cigarette in the ash tray and beer cans spread around her.

Its when you see your own mother look at herself in the mirror and drop down to the floor telling herself that the person in the mirror isn't her.

Seeing your mother cry isn't the end, its seeing the aftermath of the tears, seeing all the pain in her hollow eyes eat her alive.

Cigarette after cigarette,
Somehow i still can't get your taste
Out of my mouth
Nicotine should burn
But now its medicine
For your lingering name
Printed across my teeth
Now instead of your mouth pressed
Against mine
The only thing that touches my lips
Is this cigarette
Each exhale riding your face
From my burning lungs

I went to the hospital to see him because they told the family that he would soon pass but he was holding on for something.
He was my moms father, my grandad.
All I saw was him lying there on the hospital bed basically dead. He was suffering so much to just be able to breathe.
I watched his chest beating but I knew the machines beside the bed were making him breathe.
I know he wanted to let go.
He couldn't speak, nor see.
I held his head in my hands and said goodbye and kissed his forehead.
We left the hospital.
The next morning we got a call saying he died in his sleep last night.
I couldn't even bring the tears to my eyes.
It was just shock.
I saw his only the night before, still alive but barely.
It's Wednesday morning and the funeral is at two.
I'm wearing this ugly black dress that's too long for my liking but we have to be appropriate because "that's what he would want"
He was a horrible man, he cut me and my family out of his life ten years ago, wanting nothing to do with us.
He wouldn't even recognize me now.
It was an open casket and he looked like a stuffed doll.
A wedding ring on his finger and a nice suit and tie around his body.
I was waiting for him to wake up, saying that he wasn't really dead, the suffering just magically stopped.
I rest my hand on his shoulder and his body was so cold I could feel the ice stretch through my arms making my body shiver.
They led us through a dark room and told us to take our seats.
The pastor only talked about God when my grandad wasn't even a Christian man.
Asking us to raise our hands if we had excepted Jesus Christ into our hearts and all these hands were raised in the air except mine.
I felt his eyes stare me down so I put my head down staring at the tile my black heels were standing on.
The floor was caving in and it was hard to breathe.
There was an American flag resting on his casket.
I realized that this funeral wasn't for the dead, it was for the people who were still alive.
It wasn't a celebration for the man laying in the casket.
It was a gathering for people to whisper and judge.