I need help.
Not the rough, suck it up help,
but the soft gentle it will be okay help.
The kind where I will smile again
and be happy
because my friend
It's been far too long
and far too hard
to be on my own.
Revisiting the urge to cut my wrists
And go without sleep.
I'm walking towards death
and darling you've got to run to catch up.
Nearing the edge
with a blindfold on
and you in my heart.
I will jump.
I will fly
and then I will fall,
but I won't be sad
for I have saved myself
from a life of consistent misery.
And from a
"Dad, when is mom supposed to come back?"
- the question remained in my head,
I was too meek to confront my dad with that kind of question.
Next thing, I start hearing my dad telling many that my mom has the return ticket...
But, I didn't pick it up... Too naive? Foolish? Young? I don't know,
But I didn't know it meant something.
Months went by,
And still mom didn't show up.
I didn't think much of it.
And throughout everything,
Neither of them:
Had the decency to break the news to me.
Like, what the fuck?
How dare you separate and leave me to tell my friends that my mom isn't home with me,
And I don't know when she's coming back?
That is the most awkward thing to tell your friends' parents... And you know I don't lie unnecessarily!
Weeks pass by,
Dad introduces me to this lady,
He's always calling someone, "baby" on the phone -
But, it didn't click, I thought dad was just playing around...
"What do you think about having a baby sister?" my dad said - I wish I could have declared him drunk, but he didn't reek of alcohol -
What the fuck?
You've got to be kidding me...
"I don't know" was my reply.
Oh, that lady's moving in now?
Oh, you're getting a divorce?
Oh, you and mom had a dispute?
Oh, you've married that lady?
Oh, I'm having a sister in a few months?
And finally, I pieced the puzzle pieces together : they had been separated - mom didn't want to come back, because she didn't like dad anymore. Dad wasn't cheating on mom, they technically broke up...
For the secrets,
For giving me firsthand experience of bad parenting,
For giving me a reason to disassociate myself from mom and to question dad's innocence
And helping me find a line that expressed my emotions, upon realising that I had been hoping for the impossible, wishing upon a non-existent shooting star,
I love you both with all my heart -
Let me not lie,
Let's leave it at,
Thanks for creating me.
But there's something wrong with secrets,
Something wrong in letting a thirteen year old watch his dad date someone else - while he's patiently waiting for mom's return.
There's something wrong in not telling your son that you're separated - the fight obviously escaped my eyes, in actual fact, I know I had some involvement in the severing of the bond they had.. (but some of those divorce websites things said I shouldn't blame myself, so, umm, it's not my fault? Even though it is?)
Anyways, just trying to say, please handle the fucking divorce properly no child deserves this shit! And also, don't leave your child without giving them a fucking explanation! I mean, how could she just travel and never fucking come back?! What was I supposed to make of the situation - I was not intelligent enough to put the puzzles pieces together.
But nothing wrong with divorce, if it's handled properly!
A second later -
When reality hit him in the face -
He finally noticed his world was collapsing,
And his hope began to cave in :
He was having the most crappy time of his life,
And he didn't know how to deal with it...
I'll always be here for you
when the days get really tough
when the nights without sleep
are beginning to get to rough.
I will listen to you rant
about how the world is so unfair
and ill try to make you better
because honestly I care.
you're one of the reasons I smile
and you help me so much
I hope the life you're living
is one that I have touched
I hope when times are good
that you think of me
and I hope when times are bad
you know i'll never leave
because like our song says
"ill never let you down"
I love you with all my heart
and I'm glad you have stuck around.
You Must Remember
A man in black approached me, the sun began to die. The wind blew around me in dark shades of purple and blue. I heard no heart beat but my own. Death, he was arrived. Arrived to steal my soul and bring me down to the hot hell fires.
Death, how he beckoned me so. His chains grabbed my wrists and pulled me to his cloak. I felt the fear, hate and grief of all those he has killed. Death please take me. Shatter my soul into a million pieces, for it’s of no use to me now. Rip my heart out of my chest and leave me to bleed, for I have no room for a heart. Suck the life out of me ,for I do not deserve it. Death take me into your chamber of darkness, laugh at my agonizing screams and drink my blood with your thirsty teeth. Death I beg you, never let me see the light again.
But wait death, wait a minute. I remember the the sounds of dreamy laughs, I remember the radiating smiles that made me warm and I remember the love that I so desperately yearn for. Death, oh dear death release me from these chains! Death I’m suppose to grow old and die with love, not of hate. The world it used to be so grand and bright, now so full of fear and fright.
Death have you ever felt love? I looked at hell through the eyes. Why do you not love and only despise? Death can you yourself die? Death released me from his chains and slowly moved away. Death are you scared? I asked him boldly. The room began to warm and the sun began to shine. Why are you not answering death?! He slowly backed away.
“Fine, you shall live another day”
they help us hide
from who we are
behind a curtain
they’ll never know
puppets on strings
acting how we should
we spend so much time hiding
when the mask is removed
we won’t recognize ourselves
we don’t even know who we’re hiding
scared to know what’s within
Not even 18
She told me to sleep on the streets
“time to be an adult”
Jobs and school are not cool
Dreams and ambitious cannot take flight
But there’s no point in a fight
So I try with all my might
Sleeping on the steps
Working 8 hours shifts
School is a gift
No time to drift
Not even 18
Yet I’ve aged far beyond my years
all in one night.
I remember when I would help with dinner at my grandparents house.
My grandpa would always have me cut up vegetables.
He always told me I was holding the knife the wrong way, he didn't want me to hurt myself.
He would hold my hand and help me cut the vegetables so I would learn.
Well now that I'm older I dont need help.
Now that I'm older I avoid dinner.
I know how to hold knives.
The difference is that now I don't care how I hold it.
I am so careless.
Cause when I put it to my paper skin and watch the Ink fall out I just keep thinking about how my grandpa would remind me to hold it right so I don't cut myself and he would put his big hand over mine and show me how to do it the right way so I don't hurt myself.
But grandpa now that I'm older that's all I use knives for.
Moments of pure happyness
Joy was almost inevitable
things we're almost perfect
I had THE best friends in the world
middle school is when shit hit the fan
people moved away
I lost contact with almosy everybody
friends thinking about suicide
and our happy little "family"
Has crumpled to dust and ash
by a fire we ignored
and let stay ablaze
for far to long
I miss the simplicity of 5th grade
I had all the friends I would EVER need
I was almost top of the class
life was all around good
Because high school just ruined everything
boys make things ten times more complicated
and now I'm in college
wonder what will go wrong next..
Because some days
I just feel like hiding under the covers
Hiding from life
and it's wicked games...