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muteD Dec 2018
Nothing seems worth it anymore .
Dreaming seems pointless .
Wishing seems senseless .
And living ?
It just seems ridiculous ..
I am hopelessly lost in despair .
In need of just a lil guidance
Yet I'm too far gone to help
And it's far too late to notice.

that I am

stuck ,
In the Land of the Unliving .
Feelings that aren't even feelings .
Thinking things that shouldn't be thoughts .
Remembering things that couldn't be memories .
Everything is
Mixing and mixing
And matching and mixing
And matching and matching
Until it's well passed
Mixed
And everything has been
Matched
And I have been drained .

Something is
missing
and I can't find it .
Whether it's my heart or my head ,
I can't quite confess
or recognize
under the scrutiny
I am under ,

Attack that is .

Each flashback
Rapes my mind
Over and over again .
Each ******
In and out , in and out
Leaves a piece of
'nothing' behind .
Like a dried up grape ,
What makes me ME
has been ****** out of me .
Just call me a raisin ,
I am nothing
but a dried up piece of something
that used to be
a being .
muteD Jan 2020
‪I wish I could cut my brain into pieces‬
‪and not as a last resort.‬
‪Cut out the sadness,‬
‪the bad memories, ‬
‪the part that never listens,‬
‪all of it. ‬
‪The person looking back in the mirror ‬
‪is more than willing ‬
‪to give up anything as a sacrifice.‬

‪-mD‬
First poem of 2020.
muteD Dec 2018
I'm missing a piece ,
a piece of my heart .
and that piece died years ago ..
literally ,
you were my light in a dark room .
my laughter when all I wanted to do was cry ,
you were
you are
my sister .

I'm sorry I couldn't save you.
I'm sorry I wasn't there to see the light
leave your eyes
oh how alone you must have felt
to have to die in a bathroom with nothing but
bubbles and
a bathtub of water .
"mom , help!"
"***** , save me!"
"baby brothers , are you there?"
"can anyone hear me?!"
if only you could have spoken ,
I wonder what you would have yelled .
oh , poo , I am sorry that I wasn't there .
I'm sorry that it was you
and not me .
I would give you my life if I could ,
wrap it up in newspaper just so I could see you
tear it apart
just one more time ,
for old times sake .
maybe play some music so I can see your
smile
light up my room
and light up my life .
you will forever be my missing piece  ,
my puzzle will never be complete
without you ..

Love ,
***** .
I miss you *****..
"It's beautiful. I felt that."-JS
muteD Jan 2018
Today I was taking a shower
and my arm started to sting.
That sting.
The sting I didn't even realize I remembered.
Until I did.
And when I did, oh how that made me feel.
Being bombarded with oh so many memories of
escape and freedom
And control.

Today, I was taking a shower
And my arm started to sting.
This familiar sting that I knew all to well
and all I could do was stare at this tiny, tiny cut.
Like a pink line of perfection,
if that makes sense.
It brought with it not only a slight pain that I am all too familiar with.
But, also the memories of watching my blood mix with the water into a pretty pink
Swirl down the drain.

Today, I was taking a shower
and my arm started to sting.
Bringing with it the need to feel that sting
constantly.
Like in the past years.
Needing to have some sense of control.
Needing to feel a pain that I knew better than
my own face.
Needing to slice my arm.
Not into ribbons,
but how about laces?

Today, I was taking a shower
And my arm started to sting.
And that scares me.
The feeling of wanting to grab the sharpest thing I could find
and add my pretty in pink lines
across my mocha skin.
Right along with the older ones.
Not caring who see's them
and not caring about the
Consequences.
Only caring about the release it would provide.
Release and a high.
A high that makes me higher than smoking **** ever could.

Today, I was taking a shower
And my arm,
My arm started to sting.
muteD Mar 2019
why must it always end this way ?
the feeling of being unwanted .
unappreciated .
unloved .
by the ones who are supposed to love
the real me
the most .

what do you do when you're thrown into a tidal
wave of emotions ?
a hurricane of thoughts
i feel like a tsunami
has wrecked the last bits
and pieces
of my saneness .
my sanity .
my reason .
trying to hold on
is just so tiring .
especially when it seems as though
no one wants to see you achieve your dreams .
discouragement is such a tiresome feeling .

exhaustion is also a feeling I know all too well .
always on go .
doing what I thought would keep
you at bay
but as always
you can't even say it to me .
hiding behind what you think would protect
you .
like a child .
oh i wonder how that feels ?
to have someone who will fight your battles ,
for you .
instead of being on the opposing team .

i wonder how it feels to have a family .
my supposed "first" team ..
what's supposed to be my "main" support.
my lifelines
so what happens when the ones
you never thought would make you feel
the feeling you always feel the most ,
make you feel those feelings you hate feeling
the most ?

you crumble ,
even more so than before
you collapse and you decay
until you're nothing but
a fine powder that hopefully no one ingests .
pure crazy at it's finest ,
a drug for sure .
but , this one ?
It kills.
It’s always a daily battle, always something I’m fighting and I’m always alone.
muteD Mar 2019
my head hurts .
it always hurts .
something always hurts .
whether it’s my head or my heart
something is always in pain .
torturous pain..
the type of pain that’ll make you scream ,
scream until your throat is bleeding .
scream until you can’t scream no more .
scream until your scream is tired of you .

that’s what I think I need to do .
I need to scream
and get out all of my anger .
I need to let go .
but I can’t .
I can’t let my dam crack open .
duct tape won’t keep that flood at bay .
all of my control
would have bolted for the door .
and why?
why because
my anger would like nothing more than to swallow me whole .
to drown me in nothing but sorrow
and an intense feeling of
hate .
seasoned and conditioned just right ,
my anger would have me hating everyone .
even more so than I hate myself .
and I do hate myself .
I hate the person I used to be
and I hate the person I’m becoming .
I can’t lie to myself anymore ,
I really don’t know who I am
outside of my madness .
outside of each one of my issues
lies a baby girl who used to pure .
untainted and not molded yet ,
a perfect example of how anything can happen to anyone .
doesn’t matter who you are .
Anger has a way into shaping you into the person it wants you to be..
muteD Mar 2019
I want you to chase me
when I walk away.
To put in a little effort.
Show me you care,
Show me that you want me around.
Show me you want me here.
I need your reassurance,
Someone’s..
Anyone’s..
Preferably yours.

I want you to pay attention to me.
I want your time.
No scheduling,
No planning.
I want to see you whenever we’re free.
No sneaking,
No meetups.
I want someone to see
When I wake up.
Day after day,
Month after month,
I want years with the same one .
I want to appreciate every single second
Every breath I take in your presence
I want to
Cherish every accidental touch
Every smile that lights up your face
Every word that makes my heart race
I want the same
Friday nights movie dates
I want the “I’m on my way home ,
You want a milkshake?”
A “text me when you make it home,
So I know you’re safe.”
I want there to be no distance between our minds.
I wanna know all of your thoughts ,
And I want you to want to know all of mine.

I want you to have time for me .
Don’t make time when you’re free,
Like you have to put a reminder in your schedule
Just to see me.
Saying you miss me
Knowing you only miss the pleasure
I can bring you.
I want you to want my mind
as much as you want what’s between my thighs.

I want to be known
By you.
Truly.
I wanna fall in love with your words
because I know they’re true
not because you’re only saying them
because they’ll benefit you.
I want more from you than you can offer me.
Even if I have to beg,
I’d beg
For you to **** me instead.
Just off me!
Only two things I plead
The fifth and insanity.
I want more things than I deserve to want.
Because the thing about “I deserve”
Is that you don’t deserve a thing
In life, except the right to breathe.

So, what do I want you ask?
I want someone to want me.
Everyone kept asking me what I wanted for Christmas and all I wanted was to feel wanted. I didn’t get that though.
muteD Mar 2019
you don't talk to me .
you talk at me .
you talk just so you'll have someone who'll listen .
and I always listen to you .
I listen to you
before you listen to me
and you never listen
to me .
It's like
I'm tuned into your channel
and you're tuned into yourself .
every single one of you
only care about yourselves
and it does not make any sense to me .
how can someone constantly pay attention to
you yet ,
you can only see details about yourself ?
selfish ,
rapacious ,
parsimonious .
different word ,
same meaning .
different people ,
same reaction .

how come some of us are destined to be
the ones who care
while others are the ones who get cared for ?
why am I forced to feel like when I'm talking
but not a soul is listening ?
in one ear and out the other
or maybe it goes right over your head ?
is it possible that every word I've spoken
has been ignored because of lack of interest ?
why is it that I'm always the one who fades
into the background ?
I'm the one who starts the story
but never gets to finish .
the one with so much to tell
but no one to tell it to .
the one who just wants to be heard
but has already been muted .

I am
mute .
This is something that been weighing heavily on my mind.
"
muteD Mar 2019
Everything I’m writing is a waste of time .
Tell me ,
What will this change ?
How will this eliminate that pain in my chest ?
Explain how writing my thoughts out can possibly help me .
Because these words feel useless .
Half filled water balloons
but instead of water
it’s fire .
Throwing fire balloons
Yet I live in a wooden shed .
None of this makes any sense .

These words feel like they’re burning a hole
In this poem
And not one you’re likely to remember .
Something insignificant .
Something only a grain of sand could fall through .
Tell me ,
How can someone as unimportant as me
Truly be heard ?
I speak when spoken to
And sometimes I speak just because .
But instead of a voice , all you hear are squeaks.
Unused to truly vocalizing what’s important to me
Because every time I used to try to speak my piece ,
They muted me .
How can I speak
If my problems don’t mean
A **** thing .
I talk about me to me
So much yet I don’t care about me .
So , my problems ?
They mean less to me than me .
Sometimes I just get in these moods where even my own words don’t help me.
muteD Mar 2019
**** me .
Just end it all .
Use those words you threw like daggers .
and aim for my heart
Finish it all.
Grab a stake
and nail me to the wall .
I’d rather feel nothing at all ,
Than to feel lost .
Short poems arent my specialty or my style but quality over quantity any day.
muteD Mar 2019
No one truly appreciates me
Or the stuff I do .
Everything is all about what I can do
for
You and you and you ,
I give and give and give
And everyone just takes .
They take until there’s nothing left ,
Until I’m nothing but left -
overs .
Until I’m nothing but a mere carcass ,
An empty shell of
What used to be
And what I used to be .
Someone who used to mean a lot to me said this to me. In that moment, I realized that no one truly gets me. This was said to me with to the intent of manipulating me into doing what that person wanted. As soon as I showed a little hesitation, they hit me where they knew it would hurt.
muteD Dec 2018
"a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life."

i miss my memories .
the ones i can remember so vividly .
back when she was my best friend ,
he was my end ,
and she was my cousin.
i miss my feelings .
not the ones that remind me
of a time not worth living .
engrossed in my sisters drowning
nightmares plagued me
because i blamed me .

i miss when everything was so effortless .
being me was a manifest
error , something that was luminous .
lighting up my world with darkness .
back when i wasn't weak .
felt indestructible, nothing could destroy me .
except maybe a heartbreak ..
or three .

i miss when i did not miss .
back when remembering "this
and that " ,
didn't mean a panic attack .
back when being happy
was a state of mind
instead of something
i wanted to be mine .
back when i wasn't afraid to connect .
before you and everyone left
and i was  like our govenment .
a little off balanced ,
without being checked .

i miss who i used to be
because i am not sure
how to be
this "after" me .
muteD Jan 2017
He's gone.
I lost my reason.
muteD Dec 2018
12/3 trapped

Do you know how it feels to be a prisoner
of your own mind ?
To feel trapped inside your own head .
Confined to a room w four walls
of nothing .
Almost like you were just dropped into this void .
An empty space filled with gloominess and
so much shade .
Feels as though I started off as a being with a
soul ,
A spirit if you may .
but slowly I've turned into a nonentity .
someone you don't notice is gone
until you need something .
until you need to release those feelings you hold
inside ,
you wouldn't notice me even if I died .
And I would cry ,
If I had any tears left .

Oh and do you know how it feels to want to
hide from yourself ?
Hide from the guilt
Hide from the shame
Hide from who you really are
whoever that is .
I am tired of this mask I am forced to wear .
Cloaking myself in the scent of happiness ,
Just so I can trick my thoughts into
Disappearing .
If only for a little while .
Oh how I wish for lucidity .
I just want to be heard
to be truly figured out .
I want someone to put together my mess
of a puzzle .
save me from myself
because she's a tricky one .
save me from this life filled with nothing
but endless pain .
every day is filled with the want to disappear
into thin air .
Evaporate into the heavens above
Or melt into the fires below

All I want is to not feel a thing .
But instead I feel every jab of words .
Like a stab wound to my chest
with a twist .
The twist being me holding that knife
To  my own throat .
Do you know how it feels to hold the dagger of
death ?
One incision ,
One puncture and it's all over .
"That ****ts deep as hell my dude. You got a way with words for sure... The cloaking line and [the] disappearing thoughts [line] is hard facts."-LS
muteD Dec 2017
This feeling.
Like a million butterflies circling around one
Rose.
A rose of love.
Or is it death?
I could never tell.
It doesn't matter,
I suppose.
As long as what's meant to happen,
Happens
Before anything prevents that from happening.

What is going to happen?
Will he forget me like a song forgotten?
Slowly starts as one forgets a verse here
And there.
And the next thing you know the melody is all you know
Until you don't even know that anymore.

Or will he remember me and return?
Like one would come back to their
Home.
Ol Home Sweet Home.
Where the heart resides.
As they say,
If you truly love someone,
Set them free.
If he returns,
He cares for me as much as I love all of him.
Even if he's never going to say that
4 letter word.
At least I'll know and have my peace.
A peace in this seemingly un-win-able war.
But,
If he doesn't,
I guess it was not meant to be.
Ouch.
I wonder if ones heart could take that without seizing up
And ripping it's own self apart.
That pain would be unbearable.
Unbearably painful enough to
Stop Death in his tracks
And make him question his own life.

What if he's different when he returns home?
Cold and calculated because
The Rules
Are all he knows and now he's forced to
Try to mold himself back into a world
He willingly left behind.
Stop.
"Don't think like that."
I try to tell myself,
But it isn't working
Because it true
And that's a pain I know all too well.
He's leaving this world behind.
The world I belong too.
So, if he leaving this world
Willingly
Wouldn't that men he's leaving me
Willingly?
Yes? Yes.
No? No.
Maybe? Maybe not.
I guess we'll have to wait and see.

To be continued..
My baby left me to go to basic training for the Air Force and my heart hasn't been the same..
muteD Dec 2018
What do you want from me ?
Truly .
Each of you want a piece
of something
with substance .
A piece of me split each way .
A different sketch for each of you .
Everyone needs an altered piece of myself to
play with ,
A 'rag doll' as they call it .
To do whatever you please .
A character to play out in your story.
History ,
Her story
Everyone's story
Except mine .
My story ,
When does my story begin ?

sometimes I get tired of playing the role I was
cast in ,
I'm an actor in this tired excuse of a play .
Maybe that is my story .
My tale .
A nightmare is what it is .
A fairytale is what it used to called .
Some fiction mixed a litte truth
because all lies are based from fact .
Maybe all I'm meant to be
is a different flame
in every wildfire .
Meant to fuel your passions
And to inspire your dreams .
There's a different me
For everybody .
Every one of you ****** get
Amity
Or amour .
You get someone who would protect you
From every thorn
of pain in this existence called 'life' .
I'd sacrifice mine ,
to save you twice .
Recognizing your flaws for what they really are ,
Imperfect beauty marks
on the heart .
I care for you how only I can wish
You'd care for me .
And that's my issue .
I see your potential
All your pain , I feel .
Like a sponge , I soak up all your filth .
I polish you .
I always wipe your surface
even though my movements go unnoticed .
Time and time again ,
I'm the one who listens .
Starting but never finishing
like a slept on movie series.
you fall asleep on me before you even
understand me .
Snoozing as I portay
this idea of disarray .
I watch you ignore me
And all while asking ,
"Are you still watching?"
"I feel some type of way tbh and it really hurt my heart... [Is it] about me cause I feel like the shoe fit."-MO
"***. I relate to this one. Like I think this is one of my favorites. It's so f*cking true how you [can] give someone your all and they [will still] sleep on you. Like fr this one is golden."-L
muteD Dec 2018
Crazy .
That's what I must be .
I must be losing my mind .
My head hurts so much ,
A self inflicted pain on accident ,
I swear .
What is happenening to me ?
Water falling from my eyes .
Mental pain turning physical ,
Why does my heart hurt ?
I feel like my mind is attacking itself .
World War One
all over
in my head
Bullets flying
Memories being killed
Can't be right ,
Trust me the pain is left
Left as in wrong this pain is wrong
Rambling
I'm rambling .
Crazy ,
I'm going crazy .
Mentally unstable .
Imagine being mentally unstable .
You can't , can you ?
Why would you want to imagine losing your
mind ?
Could you even imagine losing something that
was never yours ?
I feel like a wrecked ship
Lost at sea .
I'm lost in my head
Thinking so much
My head is pounding.
Started left only to consume everything right .

Wicked .
What a wicked curve
In this race of sanity .
Giving me the blueprints of a wild mind
One that can't possibly be mine
my mind
Can't possibly be breaking
Shattering .
I'm shattering .
Cracking
Into a million pieces .
It is me , I know that
But it's like I'm watching me
Fall apart ,
Feeling every single emotion
Almost as if I wrote this screenplay
A movie of my own downfall
Written by me .
Starring me .
But , it isn't me
It is me
But it isn't me
A broken me .
Beaten down and bloodied up ,
I wish I would have known
A broken mind continues to break
Until it's fully broken .
"This explains a mental breakdown really well for people that don't have them and I think that's really important."-TNB
"To me is explaining every woman and how we are called crazy but we are still strong enough to hold **** in."-L
muteD Jan 2018
Sometimes I wish I didn't exist.
Who would want to exist in this world anyways?
Living a life of hurt and loneliness
Because no matter what you do, no one will ever stick around to see you make it out of this disastrous and heartless cold world or not.

Oh how I hate the word
'Alone'.
Because that's what I've been feeling lately.
"You aren't alone."
"I'm here for you."
"There are others going through this too."
Yada, yada, yada.
Those are just words that spill like a fallen drink on the kitchen counter.
Emptying its' contents like you would your stomach after hearing that your brother faces up to 25 years for something you wish he didn't do.

Is that too personal for you?
Oh, I can get much more personal.

How about uprooting your life for the second time?
Second time? Second time.
For a parental figure who doesn't even act like you were once in her.
Your heartbeat mixing with hers in this entrancing dance of rhythm.
Picking favorites and avoiding communicating with you because who needs to communicate with her own flesh and blood anyways?
Forcing you to look for tender and warm maternal affection and direction elsewhere because how could she possible show love if she's more lost than you are?

Not personal enough?
I'm just warming up.

I've been so independent for so long.
I never knew I could learn to depend on someone so much.
Again.
But, I did.
And I'm sorry if this starts to slowly turn into one of those lovey dovey yucky yucky poems.
But, I've finally met my match.
Someone who laughs at the same things as me.
Someone who takes care of me and sends me those cute
"Did you eat?"
"Did you make it home?"
"I miss you."
Texts.
Someone who has seen me broken and beaten down and instead of running away at full speed,
He cupped my face with his hands and forced me to look at him,
Through the snot and tears,
And told me
"Do you see me? I will not leave you. I am here."

And that my friends,
Gave me back my will.
My will to live.
My will to survive.
The will I lost so long ago.
The will I never knew I had.
But, don't let that "will" fool you.
I'm still learning how to depend on myself.
I'm still learning how to love my life.
I'm still learning how to want to live.

If that wasn't personal enough for you,
Then nothing ever will be.
I just wanted to take a moment and get a little personal.
muteD Mar 2019
and my chest keeps constricting.
tightening.
and my eyes keep watering.
gushing.
and my head keeps hurting.
throbbing.
I was in the middle of if having an anxiety attack.
muteD Mar 2019
Roses are red,
violets are blue.
If you truly love me as much as you say you do,
then how come you no longer treat me like you used to?
A short poem just to get your mind thinking..
muteD Mar 2019
feels like theres a hand clamped around my heart .
squeezing
and tightening .
tighter and tighter .
until I can’t breathe .
like I’m trapped in my own head ,
nailed to my own
coffin .
almost like I dug the hole ,
so now I have to lay in it .
a bed of nails ,
to be my home for all eternity .
granted my own void .
a black hole filled with nothing but misery .
a place where you’re
married to the mistress of death .
a sneaky snake who slithers into the darkest parts of your mind
then brings them out .
no ‘out of sight out of mind’ ,
it’s always on your mind
all of the time .
it’s anxiety.
this is my anxiety put into words.
muteD Mar 2019
I am a home.
I welcome you home.
When you are sad,
to I you come.
I wish I was someone’s home and I wish they were mine.
muteD Mar 2019
dear home,

i miss you.
whoever you are.
i miss your warmth.
from you,
i’d look to the stars.
it feels like i
am missing
a limb.
there is a hole
in me,
that i cannot fill.
why won’t you come back
and fill this void.
i wonder who you are.
i wonder where you are
and how i can possibly
get back to you.

you could say
i am
witnessing a thunderstorm.
in front of my eyes
a sunflower field,
for miles and miles
and right in the middle
is my home in disguised.
a tornado between
her and i.
you and him
as close as can be,
yet you and me?
there is miles ‘tween.

you were mine
and i was yours.
you were my home,
residing my heart.
you were my light,
my shining guiding star.
you were my safety,
my protector,
my guard.
but now you are missing,
please tell me,
are you happy
where you are ?

the one and only,
muteD and homeless
“I have been homeless for years.
They say home is where the heart is,
What if your heart is dead?”
-muteD
muteD May 2019
Sometimes I wish I would’ve stayed mute.
Which means I wish I didn’t talk
or converse.
I wish words didn’t fall from my lips
like a waterfall of
meaningless nothings.
Falling with swift abandon
and landing recklessly.
I just wish I would’ve stayed mute.
Being mute appears to be made for me.
My first poetry book is coming out next month!!
muteD Apr 2019
and to wilt
parallel a flower.
I sag,
I flap
and I flop.
but never flip.
in truth!
I am decaying.
starving
because they starved me
and corrupted my seed.
before i knew it
the fusarium wilt
was my disease.
someone could’ve cured me,
watered me.
but instead of
mollifying
they
mummified
me.
dried me
into crumbs of
leaves.
nothing but dust
that decided to fly away
with the breeze.
to wilt is to wither away into nothing.

and to go faint
as in, to become dull.
that whimsical light is
erratically the same
yet never enough.
it is distorting and
it contorts
my colors.
my ambience is
disrupted
by the Eclipse of-
WAIT.
how can I grow
when no (sun)light is
raining unto my path?
drip
       drip
               drop.
    stay.
witness as I go
from this vibrant color
to a washed out gray.
I stood in the mirror
face-to-face
with the girl who wears my face
and I watched it drain.
with death looming over
her shoulder
and no angel in sight..
to go faint would be to wither and drown in my own cries.

and to rot.
all day, around the clock.
I am that sad flower
hiding in your *** .
unable to be set ablaze
by the radiant light,
called love.
so I sit
and I wait.
I rest my leaves
in defeat.
it seems as though
I might be granted this reprieve.
and the truth is I was murdered
long before I decided to **** me.
I used to be
unseasoned.
I was fresh
untouched by filth.
but now I am
spoiled
with mold
like bread and milk.
so beware of the signs
for this infectious malady,
it might be contagious.
and in truth,
a remedy
could be made for me
or so they tell me.
what they don’t understand
is I already tried.
I tried to comply
and I tried to rest my eyes.
yet the only thing prescribed
are these drugs
with the death of my mind
being the main effect,
on the side.
to rot would be to not only wither away but also to die.
muteD Apr 2019
Suicide is murdering my kind.
Those who are just trying to live their lives
and survive
are being tried.
‘Death by suicide’
doesn’t even sound right.
Like they used to be kids with light
in their eyes.
A light that used to be bright.
Yet, now that light resembles the night.
Empty with echoes of cries.
Depression is taking our right
to live our life
and the drugs they prescribe at the time
do nothing but eat away at our mind.
and suicide?
it isn’t a lie.
My generation is losing time
brothers
best friends
and boyfriends
are losing their lives.
Parents are burying their child
all while
suicide continues to feast
on our sanity.
even if suicide doesn’t **** us,
it’ll wreck our society.
Dedicated to: Shawn Starr
muteD Apr 2019
Leave them be and take me.
Why take them away from their family?
Why not take me?
Those affected would be
maybe two or three.
truly.
Dedicated to: Shawn Starr..
muteD Apr 2019
Suicide never waits,
it just takes.
It takes and it rapes
and those closest to you?
they break.

It’s on a 2 week streak.
Go ahead and mark twice
on suicides line.
One survived and
the other...
died.
and me?
It’s just a matter of time
and all I want to know is why.
Why didn’t he get to finish his life?
Why was it his time?
Why?

I’d trade my life
for him to live a second time.
only because I know he tried.
He tried to mollify
that pain inside.
Yet I could still see that hurt
in his eyes.
and what did I do?
I stopped talking to him for some time.
I didn’t know his sadness would be his demise.
Maybe then I would’ve stayed and rode the ride.
Oh how I wish it was all a lie.
I just wish he’d pop up and make a status like
SURPRISE, I’M STILL ALIVE.

I really wish it was all a lie.
Dedicated to: Shawn Starr
muteD Apr 2019
gray.
she makes me feel
gray.
like when she never knows what to say.
she tries to send love
but it’s noticeably fake.
like a cotton gray.
a gray that’s barely gray
it’s just white with a bit of shade.
she unintentionally makes
me feel like
a silver blade.
a tinge of gray
and on the tip
is her face.
only here to relay
that no matter what you do
“you’ll never be my fave.”
she just reminds you of
an owl gray.
yes, you get to watch her all day
watching the droop of her face
as soon as you turn her way
and
she ignores what you say.
almost like you have to pay
just to be heard
because that’s all the craze.
being heard as soon as I start to say
anything that could potentially change
change.

I wish she noticed when I turned charcoal gray.
the day my pain decided it would stay.
the day my heart turned to ash gray
and got blown away.
she ripped my heart from my chest and set it aflame.
then, she stood and watched
as I went from a vivid color
to a sea of gray.
she stood by and watched me
continue to break.
as each tidal wave of pain
wrecked havoc
like a hurricane.
it left me a dusty
gray.
those flakes
she could easily see shake
each time I would hyperventilate
like an earthquake.
she spied as I mutated
into a gray I hated.
she saw life put me in an oven
and she turned it to bake.

and those burnt little pieces?
she smoked em away.
muteD Dec 2018
remembering
how we used to be
back when
I couldn't breathe
call me breathless
bc you were breathtaking
and mine .

you were like a rose .
beautiful yet dangerous
with thorns tipped w poison .
grew up through a crack in the cement ,
felt nothing but continual abandonment
and an ache
for something you know nothing about .

maybe you were more like an onion .
each time you pull back a layer ,
there's always another
in its place .
had heart of ice ,
one I tried to unthaw .
I wiped your surface ,
and it just froze back over
immediately after .

an imperfect flaw of perfection .
someone in need of affection ,
commitment , attention and direction
you are someone
who would've died
saving me .

and that just can't be .
"I like it. The first and second paragraph (stanza) make me think of my ex."-SB
muteD Jan 2021
I
am
at war.
with my heart and my brain.
my soul and my mind.
it’s a free for all battle
right in front of my eyes.
but instead of attacking each other,
they only attack me.

I can feel my heart beating.
Too hard.
Each pump pushes
not only the blood throughout my body
and the air in and out of my lungs
but it also
unleashes doses
of pain.
lethal in high amounts
and unfortunately for me
it feels like the whole bottle has been emptied into my system.
As I close my eyes, I can hear the words
my damaged heart whispers into my ear.

A plea for me
to cut away
all the ties
of this world
and to curl up
with the only one
I know means peace..
Me.

But, my brain is intent on interrupting those thoughts.
It has its own need to manipulate the feelings swirling inside of me.
It has its own agenda,
one where it leaves me standing over a ledge
overlooking my own downfall.
stranded and wondering,

why do I tear myself down?
because my mind tells me to.

the words that wiggle themselves down my eardrums have one and only one goal in mind.
and that is to torture me for the rest of my time.

and it’s working.

a storm is brewing within my head.
Rain and hail beat down on my brain
like they’re the hands
and my brain is the drum.

the sound it makes is enough to bring a man to his knees.

a beautiful masterpiece at the price of a life.

but I guess that’s okay
because that life never mattered anyways.

or so my mind tells me.

who am I to listen to, when both want me dead?
A heart that is tired of beating?
Or mind that is tired of thinking?

(Either way, I’m *******.)
I wrote this based off of a picture and I wish you his could see it .. but I’m in the process of launching my blog and I will have ALL of my recent poetry on there ..
muteD Nov 2015
A Deer In Headlights,
And A Fish Out of Water.
:)
muteD May 2021
Agonizing over you is what I’m best at.
The memories of us scream through my mind
during the times I should be sleeping.

You’re all I can think about,
even though I’d rather forget you.
You’re all I want,
even though I know you’ll never want me..
Again.

I wish I could forget you.

But, instead I’m ablaze
in the memory of us.
While you simply wander through the streets of life,
I seem to be streaking.
Every street consumed by fire,
I miss your heat.
Your warmth.

but decay and destruction are all I know now.

Who knew that it would be your love
that would burn me alive?
late night thoughts are the worse, but they make for great poems.
muteD May 2020
Who knew it would be the silence that would get to me?
Seeping all into my skin
and slithering its way through my veins.
Pulling built up pain along the way
and bringing
Darkness.
A cold blanket that stole my warmth,
Darkness was what I was used to.
Then, he brought the light.
heartbreaks bring pain and my pain manifests into poetry.
muteD Aug 2019
It seems as though everything
is falling apart
and to pieces.
life is giving me reason after reason
after reason
why this should be my last season
here.
alive.

every day is a constant battle
of life and death
my mind trembles after each blow.
years have passed and the consequences
have turned my heart cold
but only to myself.
for some reason I cannot care what happens to me.
but honestly,
I feel like dying would set my soul free
because all it knows is torment.

but I mustn’t crack,
I cannot break.
Not for any other reason
than the fact
that if I falter
no one will understand.

No one will ever understand.
Pain isn’t just existence
when you day dream about death
and the ways one could inflict it on oneself.
The way I think
is sick.
horrid and morbid.
and yet I’m trying to change.
constantly looking for that light.
the one that I can never seem to grasp.
almost like it’s a figure of my imagination,
a mirage in the mind.

what awaits a darkened soul,
like mine?
will this life get better with time
or am I forced to suffer
until I’m nothing more than
slashed wrists
and a stomach full of pills
laying in my coffin bed?

I mean,
if I’m lucky to get one.
muteD May 2020
hollow.
sunken.
depressed.
what a mess
in the flesh.
and i contest
you to confess
that i am in fact
a pest.
Written Feb. 15
muteD Jun 2021
Why does it feel as though happiness
is unattainable for me?
Unreachable no matter how far I stretch.
Untouchable no matter how much I yearn for it.
And whenever I do seem to grasp it,
it always vanishes into thin air.
Leaving me wishing for a different time.

I remember being a toddler,
standing in a candy store..
Staring in awe at the sweets around me
and wishing I was big enough
to grab one of the huge lollipops
on the top shelf.
With no adult in sight of my little eyes
I had only one thought running through my mind
“I can’t wait until I’m older..”

and now,
here I am.
Older and what I feel and see now are
my thoughts and dreams,
my wants and pains,
my desires..

I see them swirling and mixing;
one becoming the other until I can tell nothing apart.

What hurts me just might be my destiny.

I wish for a reality where all things are crystal
and all paths are clear.
To know where my soul truly belongs
and to not wander.

A wandering heart knows of only temporary love
and a temporary love
can only end in
abandonment.

You wonder,
“Are you running from me?”
And my answer is,
“Yes, but only if you’re this reality”
muteD Aug 2019
They say silence does something to a person
and it does.
I’ve been drowning in silence for years now
and you know what it looks like?

it’s dark.
almost like a black hole
because it swallows the light,
is never ending
and it burns
deep
deep into your soul.

this silence
is never ending
and it hurts my ears.
and makes me sad.

I remember a time
when this silence
used to be filled with
talking.
But, I also remember a time
when all I knew was silence.
So why does this bother me?
Why does this silence
feel like it’s clawing away
at my heart
and my skin?
I feel like it’s ripping me
into shreds
and I can do nothing but
standby and be
a bystander to my own
massacre.
Written: August 8, 2019
muteD Dec 2019
I can’t get comfortable.
I keep twisting and turning,
turning and twisting.
I hate this time of day.
It’s too quiet.
It’s too dark.
It’s too cold
and it’s too lonely.
My body wants to sleep
but my mind is too awake.
It’s awake and it’s screaming
in agony.
Wanting to be heard
but needing to rest.
Wrote this at like 3 am today..
muteD Jun 2020
not a flicker, nor a flame.‬
‪always invisible, unknown by name.‬
‪so now it is up to me‬
‪to leave a mark,‬
‪to go out with a bang‬
‪and leave my art.‬

‪-mD‬
There was this tweet that told us to write based on the picture that had attached .. it was my first time ever doing something like that and I only did it to see if I could.

Honestly I wish you guys could see the picture. Nonetheless, I’m really proud of this especially since I haven’t written any poetry all month.
muteD Dec 2015
I May Not Be Beautiful
By Societies Standards.
But, I Am Beautiful By Mine.
And That's All That Matters.
I just realize the other day, that I actually like the way I look.
muteD Apr 2019
you
remind me of the
blues.
each different shade
of blue
equals you.
each of your tones
resonates truth.
that is true
and oh so true
the way I feel for you.
tranquil like blue,
a lake of blue.
the way I always feel
around you
almost like a
sky blue.
a blue
that is just
enough blue
to make you
move groovy
like the Blues.
you
make me
feel blue
without being
blue,
like a navy blue.
a blue that has blue
on top of its’ blue.
a blue times blue times blue,
that’s you
and it’s crazy
because
i only feel things
because of you.
together
me and you,
a perfect image
of solitude.
and you are
solid
too.
real is you.
no camouflage
or ruse.
just you.
like you are
one of the deepest blues.
you make me feel deep
like some negative
2’s.
I’d happily dive into you
like an ocean blue.
constantly evolving into
different blues
that’s you
(always you).
you are my Blue
and blue is you.
this goes out to my best friend, my boo. thank you for being you.
writing this poem was honestly really fun to me because this isn’t my normal style and adventuring out like this was kinda an addictive feeling.
muteD Nov 2015
If I am you
and you are me
but, I’m not you
and you’re not me
who are we?
Could it be, that
we are simply trying to be something,
that is not a possibility
in this wayward world of wickedness?

We try and try and try,
yet all the truthful things
they tell us are lies.
Soon the lies outrun the truth.
All we’re left with, is a
broken you.

If it is true
and you are me
and I am you,
wouldn’t that make me broken, too?
But if it is also true
that you’re not me
and I’m not you,
all that leaves me
or us
is broken and confused.

One broken line mutates into
millions, billions, trillions
of cracks.
Until we finally understand
pure, undisguised, unvarnished Truth.
That you are me
and I am you.
So you and I, are a
Broken Two.

-Chá White.
muteD Apr 2019
a house
of uncertainties
has been lifted off of my shoulders.
my chest can finally breathe.
they say the truth shall set you free
and that is true
because my truths
released
me.

off-white.
that’s how I felt at first.
like nothing.
a stretch of time.
an endless sky.
directionless
with a dash of uncertainty..
different enough to capture your eye,
the first time.
“I’m probably tweaking,
he really
doesn’t like me.”
“he did before.”
“but that was before,
we are here and now.
so what is in store?”

sometimes my heart hurts.
it feels like it is
constricting
and expanding.
almost like it is making
room,
for you.
for your heart to settle next to mine.
which is why
I don’t mind.
because that pain
gets blown away,
every time
I look in your eyes.
a sense of ease
washes over me.
surreal and complete.
no disguise,
lies
or trickery.
just chā
and ra’id.
The title is pretty self explanatory. This is about me and my bestfriend, now boo. This is how I felt after being able to tell him how I felt and my emotions.
muteD Sep 2018
I hate this feeling .
This feeling of not knowing
This from that
Up from down
Right from left
Happiness from
Anger.
Oh but I know anger .
I know anger better than I know me.
Anger knows me better than my own mother .
Anger conceived me , it birthed me .
It fed me the darkness
and
Clothed me in hate.
When no one else would stay,
Anger was the one who showed me the way.
Even if that way led me into the deepest, darkest hole imaginable.
Death.

Death isn’t the monster it is made out to be .
It isn’t the noise under your bed,
The shadow in your closet,
Or the one who “stole” my sister.
Death is a savior .
A protecter.
A liberator.
Death is a guardian angel
Disguised as the devil .
Oh , how could it be Satan ?
If it releases you from a life of pain
And envelopes you into a hug of shadows ?
Soft and overwhelmingly complete.
Death is the mother I always wanted my own mother to be .
muteD Oct 2016
Shattered. Broken. Crushed.
no. please no, not again.
Asphyxiate. Strangle. Smother.
the pain.. please just make it stop. please.
Pierce. Penetrate. Plunge.
why aren't you listening to me? why won't you help me? WHY DON'T YOU CARE?!
Agony. Affliction. Torture.
**** me. just **** me. end it all please.
Silence. Paradise. Sleep.
I'm not afraid of *death
. but is death afraid of me?
To me, this is how depression feels when it gets stronger and harder to handle and harder pretend as if it isn't there.
muteD Apr 2020
I’m feeling like giving up.
As I sit and gaze into nothin’
I hear my heart thumpin
through the music that’s crumpin
in my ears.
and I’m wishin
for it to all slow down
and stop.
I’m wishing I could
replace my blood with molasses
and then slit my wrist and watch.
Watch as the life drains from my eyes.
Would you believe me if I told you, that wasn’t a lie?
Not an exaggeration
or a tale?
Of course you wouldn’t
because you aren’t me
you don’t have my mind
or the thoughts that creep in.
and with a mouth
that is permanently disconnected
from my mind,
how will I ever get you
to understand
why I am the way I am?
written: 4/1/20
muteD Dec 2016
F
A
L
L
I
N
G
that’s what i feel.
that’s what i’ve always felt.
like i was
falling
O
U
T
of a plane.
free falling , hoping the ground would be my knight in shining armor
and catch me.
i feel like i’ve been knocked off
O
F
my guard. i’m confused.
who are you?
who is “me”?
what are we?
are we in
L
O
V
E**
?
and if so, why does it feel
like this?
like i can’t catch my breath?
like i’m drowning?
like i’m dying?
what is this “love”?
and why does it hurt?
I've fallen out of of love with the love of my life. Read "Slowly" for more detail.
muteD Jan 2016
The things we know do not surprise,
Because the things we know we’ve felt.
All the things we’ve saw with our eyes,
Were frozen ice truths about to melt.
But truths can make you go insane
When all you know is sanity.

You start to feel like an unmarked train
Or someone blind, who can not see.
But don’t believe, these are false hopes
Because the things you know are fake.
They confuse you more than you know you know
And breaks you just like an earthquake.
Just know sometimes in life you lose,
Because your battles you cannot pick and choose.
muteD Dec 2015
Is This How
Its Going To Be?
:(
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