"you throw like a girl"
"you run like a girl"
i'm not belittled nor ashamed by this comment
as it show us that men and boys will repent
i am not implying that girls and women do not diminish theirself
but I am telling you we will fight in good and bad health
do you know what G. I.R.L stands for?
g is for Glamorous, I is for intelligent, r is for respected and l is for lifeform
so if I throw like a girl I'm honored and so should you.

My mother has always told me to know my worth in someones life, and as I have grown I have noticed that only a certain few do I come first, which is sad to me. I am always using myself up for those who wouldnt use an 8th of theirself for me, not that I want anyone to use theirself fully up for me, but to really feel like I matter in someone life would be to die for, **** even if I had to die for some to realize that I was worth it all along. Thats why I try to show love and let others know the love I have for them. Not all take it seriously but love is serious, love is a power, stronger than iron, steel, or any other object that can take a beating or hold its own. But with the feeling of being second best it makes me feel angry, wasted, used, forgotten. But then I think of what my mother has said, know your worth, know you are worth the love you want and desreve. Return to yourself with love you have givin others, I am slowly learning my worth, slowly learning that I must stand tall and not be weak and take the love I want and don't want. What's left if for the other to know their worth and their strength. Know you are worth the love you want, know you are worth the love you need, be free with your heart and within yourself.

Hello & thank you for taking the time
to come here in order to satisfy your small curiosity in me.
I do hope that you find the information which I have placed here, to be both convenient, & useful to you in making up your mind as to whether or not you deem me worthy enough of any more of your valuable time. I do hope that you can both enjoy & appreciate what you find here about me, as I am very eager to begin to learn more & more about you. Thank you for your consideration, enjoy..

I have lived through enough to understand what the greatest things in life are truly made of, & they are not material, yet they do have substance. Among'st them are integrity, morality, modesty, & selflessness, to name a few. These are traits you cannot fake, you cannot buy them in the store or imitate them from watching television. They are gifts, God given & you either have them or you do not.

They do not give us much room to elaborate, so I will try to sum things up best I can. And while doing so, I promise to be honest with you. I am not going to make you spend the next few moments of your life listening to the same'ol tired routine of some @sswipe writing down everything he thinks you want to hear, fluffing himself up with attributes from a fairy tale & doing whatever else he can in order to blow enough smoke so far up your @ss that you start to think your pant ies must be on fire. That's not me. I'm not going to waste your time or mine by insulting your intellect. This is my 1st act towards you in order to gain your confidence in me & your respect, because those are the foundations of any lasting relationship, & that is what I am here to find. All I ask for in return, is that you appreciate this respectful courtesy which I am extending towards you, & that you please extend to me the same courtesy.

Now, before you read any further, the next fact that needs to be made abundantly clear is that I am nowhere close to perfect, not by anyone's standards. I am not wealthy (far from it) & I struggle through this life just like you & everyone else out there, if not more so. I am not skinny, or obese, nor am I the muscular & athletic type. I am however, a big, strong, healthy, loyal & very protective Alpha Male & Father. I am an honest person, understanding, patient & realistic. I am not controlling, abusive, or insecure, nor do I have a jealous bone in my body. I am highly emphatic & am ever aware & care very much about the effect I have on the people that are around me in any given place & at any given time. I am not thoughtless or insensitive. I detest rudeness & despise bullying of any kind, be it physical, intellectual, emotional, whatever, I wont have it, & I will not allow it to take place in my presence. I am a bit old-fashioned, I tend to romanticize the world, life & all it has to offer, from the best of it, to the worst. To me it all has meaning & offers an opportunity for learning & growth.
I do not believe in coincidences, accidents, chaos or chance, I believe in One God & I know he does not make mistakes, so therefore he would be contradicting himself if he were to allow them.

And If it's not crazy, mad, passionate, extraordinary love, then it is a waste of time. I have enough mediocre things in my life already & I refuse to allow love to be reduced down to just one more mediocrity.

I am in search of a person who knows exactly whom they are. Someone who has struggled through their entire life, in order to be able to hold onto their true identity, their God given individuality, in order to be able to accept the person they see staring back at them through the mirror. Someone who can accept theirself for all that they are, both good & bad. Someone who accepts responsibility for their own actions & choices in life. Someone with empathy, patience & understanding. Morality, modesty & selflessness. Some one who loves for the sake of others & not merely for the sake of themself. I don't care what you have done, or haven't done (I haven't done much myself) I am no one of any particular importance, but I am one of a kind & that is pretty much all I am ever likely to be. I live my life by the examples which I set, based on the consistency of my character, & God willing, I will continue to do so until the day I die.
So, if your biggest fight has just been holding on to who you are, not what you have, then you & I already have something to relate to. I may not be much, but at least I am me, and I don't have to compromise my morality just to be able to blend in with everybody else out there.
All I want, all I have ever wanted all of my life, is for someone to treat me the same way I treat them. That may sound cliché, but it is true nonetheless. I am an easy man to please. The little things matter to me more than anything else, & I am a true romantic in every sense of the word.
I am only looking for one type of personality, so if you read this & see yourself staring back from between these lines, then perhaps I have already found you.

I do not smoke, drink, or do drugs. That does not mean that I judge either. I just don't partake. I don't mind what you smoke, or if you drink. Everything best when done in moderation. But I will say this, I am not interested in competing with any substances that a person chooses over & depends upon more than me or anything else in their life. But if you have a problem with something, that is not a deal-breaker either. Times are tough, & we are all hung up on something, in one way or another. I'm here for you, & always will be.

I am not a sports fan, sorry. I just can't seem to be able to give a crap about any of them in any way whatsoever.
However, I can be talked into attending a game every so often, I just wont pay any attention to it.
I enjoy literature & I like to do a little writing myself from time to time.
I am handy, & I prefer to fix things myself.
I Can't dance.
I like to cook & can cook.
I'm a neat person & I tend to keep things tidy.
3 cat's may sound a bit excessive, but how many pairs of shoes do you own? They are very special to me & are a nice compliment to My lifestyle.
I'm not a selfish or inconsiderate.
I'm not impulsive & I don't jump to conclusions.

I am Muslim.
Hopefully by now, after all of this, you can see that I stand nowhere close to any negative stereotypes that you may, or may not have been conditioned into believing of us. I'm not some fanatic, chauvinist, controlling @sshole, I didn't raise myself that way. I am a rational, open-minded non-judgemental individual. I am Muslim because of my own ability of subjective thought & by my own choice. Not because of influence, heredity, or culture. No one talked me into this.This isn't just something I believe in, it is something I am convinced of.
I wasn't born into a Muslim lifestyle. I have no Muslim family members, or friends. That means, I am not doing this to impress mommy, daddy or anyone else.(Trust me, none of them like it one bit) This is for me, it is something dear to me, & it makes me feel better about you, myself, & everyone else out there. And so what if I pray 5x''s a day, & abstain from certain things which really aren't any good for me any ways? What is so wrong with that?
At least I am a man who would rather follow rules & morality more than just his own selfish impulses, un-like most of the inconsiderate lil sh¡ts running around out there. I am more focused, more disciplined, & a much better human being than I ever dreamed I could be. And being human is all I have every really wanted to be. And because of that, I love being Muslim. It is the most important thing in the world to me.
But that does not mean that is has to be to you. Your beliefs are your own & mine are mine. I respect your choices & visa versa.

I would like to thank you coming this far. I tried my best to make all of this worth your time. Now after all of this,it is obvious that I am not lazy, nor do I lack the willingness to be considerate, expressive or informative I put my sincere effort into this, I am a pretty good writer when I want to be, but it does not happen easily. And even though I am capable of writing, & enjoy it very much, I will let you in on a little secret, none of that necessarily means that I am a great typist, or even a mediocre one. I am a terrible typist, & an even worse text'r. I spend so much time editing and with these tiny screens and big thumbs it can be a real pain in the @ss and is very frustrating...
That being said, I will text you a little, but please, not on & on. As you can probably tell by now I have a problem with summing things up, & making long stories short when I write. It's the same way when I text. I am very thorough & am not accustomed to leaving out important information when I communicate, information being the most important component to understanding. Therefore if you want to talk to me, then lets talk. Offer me the courtesy of a telephone call please. I have already put in so much time & effort with all of this writing, which is a'lot more than anyone else in here has been willing to do for you. I assure you that I have far too much of a healthy sense of shame, & would never dream of bothering another human being past their point of interest in me. I'm no stalker.

How can someone love theirself,
when no one loves them for being theirself?

succession in the act
one cannot be afraid
of making theirself a fool
cannot remain of ownself
strip and despoil of worry
my strongest desire to be a fool
shameless in integrity and condemnation
grasp the pure abyss
and be everything other

I used to wish I had
another life

daydream
about living
without the stress of mine
"if only,
life had given me
better cards to play"

now, I'm just envious
of others
minds

it's not
the cards I was dealt
that are the problem-

it's the constant overlooking
of plays
I could have made
continuous mistakes
my own
personal
issues
preventing me
from turning out
on top

used to think
(still kind of do)
that everyone who was
"happy"
were just deceiving themselves

lying
telling theirself
that they were happy
so much so
that they
believed it-
using
distractions
to keep their misery at bay

now I realize
that thought
was quite a bit
of self-projection

how nice it would be
to have passion again
emotion
my outgoing nature

I've been dealing with her for years
which leaves me to wonder-
has my personality
just been
a fabrication
a mask that I've worn
to hide
depressions ugly visage?
have I worn it
so frequently that
I started to recognize it
as my own
reflection?

I don't know who I am anymore
though,
it's not like I ever have

I don't know what life is anymore
I've definitely
never known
what that's been all about

for the past six months,
(year?....)
(two years?...)
(my entire life?...)
I've only had
two states
of emotion-
dark blue
or
gray

dark blue
is when I am inconsolable
with tears
absolute misery
my soul
shattered
into a million pieces

dark blue
is when I have
panic attacks
over how horrible
of a person I am
lying
on my bathroom floor
choking on my own tears
choking on my own breath

gray
is
nothingness
something
horrible could happen to me
a job loss,
a heartbreak,
a loss of a friend
and I will experience
no emotion

like an empty
void
throw whatever the ****
you want in there
I promise you
there will not be any
reaction

gray
with random
and sudden
bursts of blue

not the most
excruciating pain
just the constant
dull
throbbing
of the grayish blue
bruise
that you're always
trying
to cover up

I will
never
go away

If my younger self were still around
I wonder what they'd think of me
I can't help but think that
They'd be confused
They wouldn't recognize me as theirself
I'd be just another burnt out adult
Scary and unable to epathize
Enough to really understand me
I imagine I'd feel alone and anxious
Staring at this strange reflection
A mutated image
Warped in the rings of teardrops
That stain this puddle under my feet
Where did the curiosity go?
What about the intense emotions?
Any emotions really
I think I'd be afraid
To come face to face with
The future that is my present day

I know that there's so many things
Positive features of this life
That I never could have imagined then
I am still living and breathing
Taking care of myself
Loving and being loved so deeply
I didn't think I'd see 18
Let alone 23
And yet
I can't help but believe
That all the experiences that led me here
Would scare younger me
Enough to change my story
Because there were so many times
I wanted to
And sometimes
I still do

But I know I'm still growing
And there's still time for me
To learn who I am
To celebrate my flaws and strengths
To love myself wholeheartedly
To simply be me
It's just hard sometimes

Smile

A one syllable verb to express pleasure, kindness, happiness; the list goes on. To smile is simple. Tilt up the corners of your lips, exposing the front teeth. Your eyes should be bright and shining to be more convincing that you're actually happy. Maybe you really are happy; even better. But people who are happy definitely do not need a lesson on how to smile. It comes naturally to them. Unfortunately, it's not so simple for others. Because we're not all happy. There are three types of people in this world. Happy people, unhappy people, and unhappy people who have mastered feigning happiness. If you're reading this, you most likely fit into the third category. Maybe smiling is getting harder to achieve.  You could be slowly becoming more unhappy. You could be tired of smiling, tired of pretending to be real. Your secret could be out. You've slipped up. Everyone knows it was all a lie. Now you have to accomplish a real, genuine smile to redeem yourself. The possibilities are endless. You've probably guessed that I fit into the third category. If you want to achieve real happiness, keep reading. This is not to learn to keep the facade up. That's already been done. We will go through this together. A happy person is successful in the smile and probably cannot relate to your predicament. An unhappy person needs help theirself. That only leaves us, we have to help each other. This can also benefit an unhappy person, don't feel left out. If you're happy, read this to see that the world is full of different people with different struggles that don't need YOU telling them like it is. Let's become real together.

to whomever cares to listen or anyone who will even remotely understand,

i am not the person that you think i am and nor the person that my
apperance happens to give off. there is more to me than what meets
the eye. i am weaved together of cells and molecules and atoms and
genes to make this human being that several others fail to comprehend
and maybe the different assortment of my genes and molecules constructed
together is what makes you think that i am almost always hostile, but i am not.
maybe it's my crazy assortment of everything that happens to create me or
maybe something happened to cause such an inclined assumption, but let me
tell you one thing. as much as you you think i am full of hostility, i'm just as
much full of love and care. a lot of people may not think so, and a lot of the
time, i may not even think so myself, but it is true, as true as i or anyone will
make theirself believe. so maybe what i'm trying to get at here is, maybe
you should look deeper. take the time to analyze why i do the things i do. and
maybe give me the benefit of the doubt that i actually am a good person
(and a really good one at that) some people have taken the time do so and
i'm glad they did. but maybe that's what i need more of. for people to give me
the benefit of the doubt and to believe in me.  if you do, you'll see me care for
you and do that. can you do that?

sincerely,
the girl who is ALWAYS misuderstood

First the child, who squeals at the foaming waves and sniffs the salt in the air, distracted and amazed by the colours of the sand.
Then, the teen, trying to hide carefree bliss behind hair fondled by the sea breeze.
Suddenly, the proud parent, presiding over all and remembering the days when they were but a child theirself.

First the child, clutching their plastic ***** and diving into the soft, scorching powder.
Then, the teen, who sighs in apparent derision whilst hiding the longing to play.
Suddenly, the exhausted parent, buried and towed and made to inspect various pits of faith.

First the child, clumsily scooping handfuls of damp, soothing grains.
Then, the teen, sighing and crouching to help whilst decreeing helping is not "playing".
Suddenly, the knowing parent, catches the eyes of them both and nods a nod of serenity.

First the child, studding twisted shells like wavering mountains dotted across a globe by a clumsy god.
Then, the teen, rolling their eyes as they arrange a symmetrical formation of emotion.
Suddenly, the grinning parent, watching as two formidable castles become a fortress of hope.

And then?

The tide

Took them all

Away

And the castle's glittering flag washed calmly against the shore.

Until

The child

Could come

Again

And there it waits still...next to the misshapen lump of sand that was once a fortress of dreams.

I've walked, I've ran and sometimes crawled,
   through sorrow, pain and strife;
I'd  looked what felt like everywhere,
   for one thing all my life!

I've seen a so many other guys
   content just by theirself;
They may not care to share their love,
   more focused on their wealth.

But I knew God had made someone,
   to make my life complete;
I'd never be but half a man,
   more lonely week by week!

I made a promise to myself,
   to take no less than best;
To find my one and only perfect love,
   to love the life I've left !

I prayed I'd find someone like you,
   God answered all my prayers;
In fact He gave me so much more,
   He gave me You, my dear!

& then we are cleansed of all.

there remains no sticky mess

of interwined reasonings,

tracing the sense of everything



we feel for once & conclude

this is the best way, to see

where were we headed before?

it had no truthful meaning.



what we pushed & tugged at,

for what vanity to claim purpose,

the understanding was opaque

at best, clarity poorly skewed



where would I turn to face

myself? flourscent knowledge

makes it much too sore

for my perceptive orbs.



who taxes & pays theirself?

coming full circle too little,

too often, to seek & find

the deepest of wells leaking



would you say the key                            

has amorphous qualities?

but usually illuminations where

the warmth is underlined.



& then all we are is cleansed,

existence becomes slick,

frictions ceases to irriate,

tracing the sense of everything

I got no time,
I got no time to live!
I got no time to live
And I can't say good bye

I am regretting having memories
Of my friends, who they used to be
(Beside me) before they left me to die!

And I know this is,
I know this is the truth
'Cause I've been staring at my death so many times (in the mirror)
The scary monsters roams in my mind's halls
I wish that I could shut them out
And stay awake until its my death's time

Overthinking's on, do from dusk till dawn
I got this headache and my life's on the line
I felt like I won, but they weren't done
The nightmares repeats theirself every time

Trying to keep my calm, and to carry on
Just think away until it's my death's time

But I'm not so strong, and they are not gone
They're still out there to take what's left of my mine!

I have this urge,
I have this urge to ****,
I have this urge to **** and show that I'm alive!
I'm getting sick from these apologies
From people with "priorities"
That their life matters so much more than mine!

But I'm shivering
And stuttering again
They say they listen yet they do not understand

Because I'm crying as much as I speak
Cause no one likes it when I shriek
Don't want to go back to when it all began.

the feeling cleansed part I like
those tears
though they
hurt
and the things that lead up to  blood red
eyes
tears down to your chin
and those breathless deep sobs
where you can't catch a breath
thrash out
hide your head under pillows
they are the worst kind
they make me cry in and of theirself
which adds to the depth and hurt
of why I am crying
in the first place
but the cleanse when it stops
I swear I see rainbows

Peek outside the window
Hide behind the door
No desire whatsoever,
to see what is in store

Close your eyes tight
Pray it stays locked
Take off your mask
hyperventilate-
Breathe it in,
Firm as stone.
Settled now, to try the door.

Just a little further,
But oh so very far.
Dear God, come on.
it's just the yard.

But the fear is overwhelming,
It dances in ur head.
So you hide under your covers
Tucked safe inside your bed

But never safe-
From the thoughts within your head.
The pinball reverberations-
Painfully loud.

The wind howls a tune.
The tree thumps a bass.
Your headache slowly fades,
As the rain kerplunks a gasp.
Cracking open long closed doors
It tears you far as sunder

the light pours in
It blinds you so
Stings pulsing through the sky
Yet your eyes remain unmoving,
Searching the outside

Their voices only pebbles now.
Softened by the wood nearby.
Their yells and insults fall, before they can even fly.

The wind is your turmoil.
The weather your symphony
Ur own perfectly destructive,
Rythmic, cacophony.

Etch your words into their hearts
Scream it through the glass
Let them know it is so very far,
From your own last gasp.

Watch them drown in your sound
-Loosing theirself instead.
Cry and cry as it pours down,
Blurred insignificance in ur head.
Colors drain with raindrops.
But still the sound remains

Their eyes wide.
Pant and shiver slight.
Cower on the ground
Hiding from the dread.

Dread of humiliation
From hiding in their bed

To know that on the inside,
They lost to you instead.
Complete mortification-
Snickers in the halls.

Time slipping from your grasp.
clutch the covers tight.
now knuckles white.

Cry, and cry.
And pray, and pray-
For just a longer night.

A slight rap on your front door
Resonates through the hall.
you hold your breath and wait still-
But yet the clock ticks on.

You trudge your feet of steel with will,
And peek out the window pane.
To see your neighbor soaked, and cold.
-Wondering if your ok.

I've created the perfect picture in my head
Excitement builds up knowing that I will see it in the flesh
I have it all figured out. I have nothing to worry about.

Whispers of my insecurities roll up into my ear
They tell all the things that I should fear
My cries for help morphed into silent tears
They start to talk about the mistakes I made last year

I have it all figured out. I have nothing to worry about.

My head points at all the flaws in my flawless plan
They constantly tell they aren't a fan
"Its not good enough." "Its not ready."
Their criticism makes me feel slightly unsteady

I have it all figured out. I have nothing to worry about.

My eyes start to see all of my self-doubt
I tell myself to block them out
It caresses my face and wipes my tears away
I've got no other option but to pray

I have it all figured out. I have nothing to worry about.

I can't find support in me but I'll still take my dreams to reality
Wars of the angel and the devil continue in my mind so I tell myself I'm gonna be fine.
Part of me tells me I won't
The other part tells me not to listen and I don't

I have it all figured out. I have nothing to worry about.

Its hard to be a being in conflict with theirself
You win and lose no matter which side you choose
You are your hero and your enemy
You are two in one identity

I'm falling again, back to the black. The dark desolate parts of my mind i fight to leave behind. I'm losing the chase, i glance behind me and each time it grows nearer and nearer.
A soulless demon, hell bent on having me in its grasp. Its repulsive twisted face leering toward me. How can i escape this ? How do i outrun a creature that knows my every move. It feeds off me, whispering its lulls into my mind. Anticipating my every move until i fall prey to its poisonous clutches.
I awake. Surrounded with darkness, I'm not alone. I can hear mumbling all around me the anxiety of being back here makes my heart race. They have me. The dark thoughts i try to avoid have all come flooding back to my consciousness.
I'm lonely yet i'm not alone. I crave the presence of others, a helping hand pulling me back to the light. Yet i have the depression glued to me feeding from my very soul. Infected by the toxins. I deserve this. I'm worthless. I belong in this pit of void. A pitiful human a **** on existence.
I weep and suddenly i'm drowning. I'm choked by fears, scenarios are waltzing around in my mind. Crippling my ability to see. Conclusion to conclusion i jump between. Harrowing thoughts bellow around me. Beating me to a pulp til i'm as black on the outside as on the inside.
This is me now. My eyes shoot open. The vast barren wasteland that reflects in the pools of the abyss. This is my true form i am at one. In peace.
When Abruptly i feel warmth. Its repulsive and hot. My body convulses. Struggling to maintain myself. Writhing with excruciating pain i feel the darkness slipping away.
The light, its bright and vast piercing the lurking monsters of the deep.
A hand. a face. a hug.
I'm transported back to reality the horror is averted. For now. A familiar scent holds me near. Mends my broken heart. Piecing me together with bits of theirself.
An exchange. A loving embrace. The warmth of a heart. The feeling of love. Never more powerful force did this universe create.

Long conversations are in order now,
This unrelenting season of decline,
Spent rearranging petals on the bough,
As pound for pound you always held your wine.
So come again and sit outside with me,
Beside the fire or under falling leaves.
I've never stopped imagining us free
To well regard the spider as she weaves,
Or god theirself though seldom ever pleased
By sacrificial gestures brought halfway,
Sick flowers you might save from their disease.
Eventually of course we've hell to pay.
So never mind the words I fail to say.
We'll find some comely mortal way to pray.