Oh how I’ve known this world of decay and tedium:
A burnt world, peppered with the despair of human need.
If only the withered trees may have the grace to accept our mistakes, The splendor of springtime may emerge from this bitter, toxic winter.
But alas, after every blissful summer, and every majestic fall, a dead winter returns.


...Such is the nature of mankind

The sterile smell that covers my hands like a snug glove became so familiar. The trip to the intensive care unit at the same **** hospital became repetitive, it was  like waking up in the morning and going to school....it became a traditional trip.
each trip was followed with the sorrow, followed a darkness...the coldness and darkness that stretched over the hospital's interior snatched away laughs and cries and shoulders to cry on like the grim reaper. it came in like the plauge and there was just not turning back.
and the worst part? the news, the messengers, were so mototoned.  no feeling. no emotion in the delivery of the news. its always a cold hearted "im sorry" with a side of "there gone".

These highly paid messengers whom wear the white coat which should symbolize purity and angel like creatures, cover up their mistakes and sew up the secrets with "we did everything we could". but when they actually accompanied the road to nothingness. When they actually stuck the bullet in the wound, when they actually choked up and messed up-they punched in the wrong numbers to the wrong program causing it to shut down but we are all only human right.

But the real tragedy passing the fact a lifes last grain of sand has fell to the other side of the hour glass, are the mourning humans whom still lurk in the shadows of the same **** gross hospital. Its as each time I enter the doors of the hospital, i enter the realm of death. Each time we enter death is delivered to us and each time we step into that same **** hospital the rain showers of despair and hurt, and confusion.

All that is left now are the memories in-beaded in our minds and rest in the crevices of our hearts. All that lingers are those giggles and smiles and the past. All they left was a footprint..... in our hearts. And now we stand.
Left with the sterile.meek.sound...and the coldness...of the same, **** hospital.

Tears stain pen to paper
Blood stains mark old clothes
Nights become quiet
Void of answers
I see emptyness plauge my life
Enough   please
I just want to feel better again
The internet, my twisted and faithful friend
O' how this introverted nature depends on you!
I search for him in all your words
Each heart felt plea
I find him, I find myself, I find you
Instead of being alone
I nestle into your heartache
Reminds me that I, we, are not alone.
Im so grateful not to be alone
Thank you.

Watching you leave
Left me crumpled
Broken and so alone
Your in my viens
And its like ice
Nothing stays the same
Nothing last forever
Wishing and praying doesn't help
Not when the bitter taste of tears
Scar my tounge with their salty revenge
What's left for me?  
What's  left to breathe?  
When you were the air that kept me breathing
Kept me seeing
Your running through me
Never leaving my head
The record spinning , so numb  and dead
Theres no comfort in my bed
There's no escape in the dark
No way to avoid facing it all
It sinks into my skin
Leaving me shaking
Fighting to remember to breathe
And when the sleep does come
The pain that fled for a blur of what seems like seconds
Flood back inside in the day
I cant keep you out
You're like a plauge
Whats left of my shattered heart
But the worst pain of all is you don't even care

Eyes thick with prophecy
Things only I can see
Fire burning
No ones learning
The wind howls
Straight from hell's bowels
An unatural cold
Watching death unfold
Its spreading its dark cloak
All clouded with smoke
Simple subtraction
A toxic attraction
Flirting with death
Savoring every breath
We fear what we can't understand
Fear and hate go hand in hand
Demons rising
Supernatural uprising
Fear shall plauge the Earth
And we shall give birth
To hatred and fear
Tainting all who are near
Evil in all we see
Only wishing to be free
From paranoia rises insecurity
A wish to return to obsecurity
Evil in every glass of water
Like lambs to the slaughter
We shall turn on each other
Brother against brother
insanity shall rule
Fear is an incindery fuel
Ignition results in a chain reaction

Sometimes, when bad thoughts plauge my mind at night
I shake my head
in a rapid succession of movement
my attempts to empty the excess

Every night of my childhood
I made a Vegas worthy deal with my father
He took my worries at night
and I took his

He claimed us the biggest worriers on the earth
Dubbed me queen of the Worry Wells before
carefully placing a kiss on my forehead

You see, forehead kisses
were my fathers attempt
to **** out the unseen youthful damage
of a brain constantly panicked with worry

Every night of my childhood
my father left me with his suitcase of fears

I was always too worried to open it

The terror of this illusion of peace is its reality
It leads you to a false solution then drowns you in misery
Theres nothing left to gain,  even when you feel the pain
And the gods will not explain,  why all of us will die in vain
I am sick of the illusion that everything will be OK.
I'm sick of your delusion and I refuse to ******* pray
I'm not looking for answers  to these question that I have
I'm won't support your cancer, I rather death than faith, you're mad.
I'm done with the same old **** that you instill at children's birth
I won't be a slave to it a cog to help your system work
Spare me the theatrics all you do is ******* whine
I won't be your answer I won't support your divines
It's takes man to break to find out how to put together
It takes a soul to shake to make it throughall of the fetters
Illusions so pristine when you get your fill you look back at the scene
Delusions fall apart so slowly by the seams
Left alone in the final act
You know you can't make it back
Chaos it drive you to remake your bed
Lay on roses but forget the thorns around your head

Wasting war
Untouched soils, set to rott by a plauge of men
A million miles away
Where the sun sets on hills ill never see.
And the light touches faces ill never meet
The light bends a diffrent way,
Shells raining down upon your feet
Dismay
Devils steal life and spirits reclaim bones
In the war you left me, to fight
Protecting forign homes

at first i shake a little
and i try to hold it together
but then panic strikes. and i pull myself apart at the seams
and when you stich me back together, i cant help but whimper
because the pin you use is blunt
and it hurts more to be sttiched together then it does to be pulled apart
but then i panic, and now im screaming
your name in fits
blasphemous fits of agous whaling i cant breathe
the demons of my mind are sitting on my chest while I sleep
And I toss and i turn but i cant wake up from this night mare because
in reality i was never asleep
ive been sitting here the whole time
wide awake in my dream state terrified to do anything other then breathe
and Christ thats harder then it sounds
you have no idea what its like
when tears roll down my cheeks
like tidal waves i wish i could drown in
anxiety makes me a slave, its lachy, its *****
my fear takes me by the throat and makes sure to stare me down
as he squeezes
my addictions rolll over me  like a sandcastle at high tide im bound to fall
so please
dont you dare tell me to "just breathe"
everything wont be allright so long as you dont realise
that i am suffering more then a fit of asthma ,
i am dieing more then a little inside  
my crystal glass core gets trod on more and more often by the demons that plauge me
panic is so much more lethal then cyanide ad so much easyer to obtain

Let me inspire you.
I want my voice to crash waves in your head.
I want my eyes to shine like the night sky.
I want them to remind you of all the things that could've been
and everything that is
I want you to notice the red in my hair
Secret glances.
I want you to see the warm smoke from my mouth on a cold day
The way I talk when I'm tired.
Let me inspire you.
Let my ideas spark voices and stories in your head
Let my quiet demeanor make you picture my thoughts
Let my smile plauge your mind.
Let my stories succumb to background music in your own.
Talk to me late at night
Pull quotes from our altercations.
Notice me.
Notice the bandages always wrapped around my fingers
Notice when I tug my ears.
Notice how I encourage my hair into my face.
Notice the way I walk
The way I stumble over my feet
The way I stumble over my words
The way I stumble over compliments
The way I stumble over you.
Will you pay attention where no one else has?
Don't make me a wallflower
I want to be the rose on your dinner table.
Your coffee in the morning.
Your warm blankets
I want to be cared about.
I want you to miss me.
I want to be noticed.

iv been giving up
and feeling  tired
from all this
wadeing into my past for answers

But, Im getting really ******* sick of the why.
And the how.
And I need to feel the now.

been hiding out like a *****
keep your
self out of the equation
lest I spread this plauge
of sadness and shame

I look my self in the face and say
'Do it, or die. These are your options'
Strangely it gives me strength
to ask my self if I really want to die.
And if the answer is no well,
"Buck it the **** up honey and get it done."

I wanna be stronger now
I wanna me meaner now
I wanna be all those girl bands I
tirelessly hunted down

I had dreams and a drive once
I can have them again
just watch me try to stop me

Welcome to the age of insanity
The age of the plauge.
Home of the sorrow

The pain
Being the rejected
being the unwanted
The Pain
It hurts, don’t you feel it?
It makes it easy to say goodbye

I just want to end it all.
Bring it to an end.
Just set me free.

We are the outcast, we stand tall.
Acars on our wrist and pain in our hearts.
We lock arms together we stand, we fight.
We will not say goodbye!

We will rise, we will win the fight!
You’re not alone
you are one of many
join us, don’t say goodbye
We love you...

Don't end it all
live on
stand up
breath

Baby put down your knife
please don’t bleed beautiful
lay down the pills
Don’t let go
break that mirror
You’re beautiful
raise your ******* to the sky and scream, "*******!"
And always remember you’re not alone!
We love you!

plauge-ridden robbers
cut through the lonesome night and
its shallow starshine

If I die of the Plauge
I would want to be remembered
Not as a victim
But as a healthy
And happy

If I die of Ebola
I would want to be remembered
Not as a victim
But as a beautiful
And diligent girl
Who created art.

If I die of rabies
I would want to be remembered
Not as an aggressive victim
But someone
Who brings compassion
And kindness.

Like a festering burrowing worm I took root
Deep in your mind where you reject the truth
Bending and breaking your soul evermore
Demonizing all the saints you adore
Riveting cracks that I lay down your spine
Tingling wisdom you think so divine
Murderous words that you think cannot guide
Youre in your own way and still you are mine
I was the plauge that had ravaged the lands of your mind
This ****** is mine
I'm swallowing time
Consuming what's mine

Holy demonic the darkest of light
Angels of mercy that free you from life
You cannot **** till your demon is known
Facing yourself and now where do you go
The sun and the moon and the planets that move
Puppets on strings as you dance to their tune
Always neglecting the infinite soul
Wishing to listen and do as your told

Tell me to help and I offer my hand
Only grip tight till the moment you stand
Now you are moving your feet on the ground
Follow your path and the truth will be found
Whispering sins that you've long left untold
Now your emerging a sight to behold
Beauty and blessing but you've just begun
The faceless are laughing when you hold your tongue
Who are the voices that refuel your doubt
Where is the evil that brought forth your drought
Carrying on you may search the abyss
There's nothing to find you think somethings amiss

Nothing to gain and nothing to lose
To only one person your faith you must prove
I've given a gift that I've given myself
And tell unto you I did not need this help
Begging and crying you seek me for more
Lessons on trying can be such a bore
Tell me what's wrong
Why don't you tell me?
I already know
Then that sets you free

You wish to become, a much better you
So who do you lean on when you cannot move
I am just not a main part of your strength
Will nor the hammer will leave me unbent
I burdened my sin and I tortured my soul
All in the end just to see I am whole
All of my secrets you think I have told
All of my secrets to me are unknown
Where is the wisdom I've gifted myself
Where is the God you think spared me the belt
Where is the power you seek here on Earth
When you're alone and buried in dirt

I say that you have it
You ask me then where
I say that you have it
You freeze and you stare
I say you beg God's and spirits divine
To come down to earth and give you their time
They gave us all gifts we seal in our minds
I'm certain of yours but you're longing for mine
I say you are broken
I say you are fine
I say you are lonely
Now make up your mind
I say you're not perfect
But surely you've grown
Now prove to yourself that you sit on the throne

What is with today's world
when everyone feels like
everybody's nothing,
because magazines
and television plauge
so many minds
daily.

Theres fire and ice
everywhere you look,
but its far more
Noticeable
within each of us
longing to put
our spark
out.

No one goes to the
mirror anymore to smile,
"There's the reflection
I admire so much."
Though they should
all of us are so
beautiful.

It's gotten so bad
that driving past the
high school I saw a
cathartic scarecrow
just waiting to
influence more of
us to be like
her.

What is with today's world
that we can't be satisfied
just by being ourselves?
Why must they make
us feel so small
when we know
that we are truly
amazing.

Sleeping at dusk
An eyeless black husk
As mist swirls around
She drops to the ground
Her head is getting further and further from her skull
But away is the only place she has to go.
The sky's turning white
Her hands feel so warm
She needs to get out
Decisions lie torn
They lie on the ground soeroundong
Her figure. The baiege plauge will cause, Her to pull on the trigger.

I never understood why people cry over heartbreaks
perhaps because I cry over my family's financials
or that my parents never loved each other
or that my sister's attempting suicide
perhaps I understood that love is just a burden
from the endless divorce courts choosing sides
or the endless fights over our school's fees
that's why love was never a curiosity
it's a plauge that I tremendously avoided
I know it's meant to be that way,
to survive, I must be on my own
if love arrived,
prepare to bury me
for acknowledging things and feeling them
will destruct every piece of my existence