"lightheadedness" poems
She sat at the corner of my mind
Comfortably installing herself.
Sep 24, 2014
Sep 24, 2014 at 4:52 PM UTC
*****
Twirling like the devil's baton
a cyclic cul de sac
'round the positronic menagerie,
speared from stem to stern, floor to ceiling,
arched bowed bent backs saddled ridden tools
adolescent ne'er-do-wells and prepubescent fools
all desiring to sit nowhere but by me,
by me, by me-
My friend of cosmic dawn, take my hand and
traipse like a runner in a blind alley.
Lead me to my quiet stead, walk and stamp about,
my cloven-hoofed associate, sarcastically devout,
and show me that everything in this whole world
is presented via legerdemain, deceitful cleverness,
but it cannot cure my lightheadedness, felt by me,
by me, by me...
Mar 27, 2010
Mar 27, 2010 at 1:02 PM UTC
day 1- excessive thirst and headache
day 2- sore throat
day 3-runny nose, panic
day 4- runny nose and coughing, panic
day 5- coughing, sneezing, drowsiness, panic, lightheadedness, neck muscle tension
Sep 4, 2014
Sep 4, 2014 at 5:47 PM UTC
What happened last Monday morning?
I woke up in my body and it wasn’t that body anymore:
Throughout my body I felt sharp pain
Followed by an added plus of lightheadedness
So I kept asking myself some questions,
What can the matter be?
The devil can be a liar sometimes,
I took a long look at my lifeline in the palm of my hands
It reads a long life ahead of me,
but somehow the most crucial pain
Was trying to outbid me:
As I lay there on the gurney
I thought about some cow’s heel soup with pumpkin,
Dumplings with the carrots simmering on top
The thought of food when you are feeling sick is unreal
But only a poet would have:
he thinks, he creates an illusion for a solution
That was last week today
I am having a bowl of delicious cow’s heel soup
Loaded with carrots and corn dumplings
To ease uneasiness:
I shall follow up with the doses of ranitidine
To complete this poignant write
Jan 24, 2017
Jan 24, 2017 at 8:38 AM UTC
there are loose leaves
at the bottom of my teacup
I rarely finish drinking the thing
- instead I stare through the dark transparent liquid
at barely-floating twiggy tea leaves that
escaped from the bag
I am forgetful
and unforgiving of myself
I am too easily entranced by
lights and thin branches that dance above muddy grass
my eyes see things breathe
like marbled floors and brick buildings
I am so enraptured by rabbit fur
and tree bark
rabbits prance along the neighbourhoods
and I love the game of seeing how close I can get to them
before they leap away
when I think of bliss,
I think of not knowing what is coming next
more even, not caring
when I think of bliss,
I think of running after rabbits
or petting a tree
I do these things when no one’s looking
so no one catches the crazy in me
there are loose coffee grounds
at the bottom of my mug
caffeine kills me
and I love the taste
of the cruelty
but my body is hurting
again
like last year
where fainting and falling and confusing my words in conversation
arose every time I felt an anxious feeling
nudge its way in deeper
maybe it’s just way of giving up
my body surrendering in complete so that I feel full effect
of how badly I’ve treated it
it’s hurting again
so much that sometimes I can barely get out of bed
or get off the bus
and walk the trek home in the nippy night
I see rabbits prance along the neighbourhoods
and oh look, I am repeating myself
again
I hardly notice because my head is hurting
like there are a million and one hurricanes
inside of it
less of a crash and more like a rush
there is a difference between headaches
and light headedness
both hurt though
still I’m ashamed I’m lightheaded all the time
there is a weakness in it
that only frail people can relate to,
the scatterbrains, the unconcentrated, the anorexics, the cancer patients
the sick-of-some-sort
what am I?
Apr 18, 2013
Apr 18, 2013 at 3:33 PM UTC
When I look at him I wonder if he even knows he's addicted. Addicted to the way she laughs, and how the curves of her mouth turn up into a smile. If he knows he is drunk on the way that she sighs at the rain, or how she talks to the cat late at night. Does he know that she is what makes his reality worth it? And at the same time I wonder if she knows. If she knows that he the reason the blood races through her veins. If she knows that he is the reason that her lungs feel so full. That he is the dizzy lightheadedness, the weightless feeling within. Does she know that he is what creates her earth?
Mar 2, 2015
Mar 2, 2015 at 1:45 AM UTC
I don't miss the lightheadedness
I don't miss the fatigue
I don't miss the secrets
I don't miss the planning
I don't miss the fixation, the obsession
I don't miss the emptiness
But
I do miss the willpower I used to have
Dec 1, 2014
Dec 1, 2014 at 8:16 PM UTC
it hurts
the cliche “eternal ache” in my bones
it spreads
a strange hollowness
a dull pain
a small price to pay for the continuance of this disease i once asked for
it never occurred to me that i could reach this stage
lightheadedness
low heart rate
bruises upon bruises upon bruises
i thought there was no way to concentrate any less than i already did until this
it seems as if i’ve forgotten whole years of my life
ask me about a year and i’ll remember that’s when i tried to **** myself
but wait was that really 2016?
or was it 2018?
it might’ve been both
i remember in 2019 i had the most traumatic argument of my life
i moved a lot
2018 i was severely depressed
did 2017 even happen?
essentially, i don’t know
i never know
i didn’t know i would lose my train of thought a few words into speaking
that when i ramble i wouldn’t be aware of what i was saying
who knew someone’s chest could clench so much when reading a nutrition label?
that a few grams of sugar was enough to make me put down my favorite food
my feet, on and off the scale, every morning at 5
my hands, measuring my wrists and how far up my arm i can wrap my fingers
my fat, fat fingers
my schedule
unintentionally planned
daily morning bagel, half peanut butter for protein, half cream cheese for enjoyment
no lunch
never lunch
no snacks
a fourth of what’s served for dinner at his house
the max is half
talk, put the fork down, drink water
constant thoughts
constant rules
constant fear
i didn’t know this would be a consequence
i didn’t think this would happen to me
no one does
the ache continues to spread
until i am enveloped
and i know
i can no longer escape
Feb 9, 2020
Feb 9, 2020 at 11:11 PM UTC
I don’t remember the first time I got drunk
I just remember the sensation
The lightheadedness and the pirouettes.
Nov 3, 2014
Nov 3, 2014 at 1:23 AM UTC
I got two hours of sleep last night
No, it wasn’t because I was working on the essay that was due today
I couldn’t care less about the essay
Actually, I could
Because I care too much about everything
and that’s why I was up all night
I’ve spent countless sleepless nights worrying about every moment that’s gone wrong
Wincing about every word I stuttered over
Analyzing every glance I received
And it makes me wake up with bruises underneath my eyes
My mom didn’t make me go to school today, even though she knew I should
She wants to scream at me to get out of bed, to do something with myself
But I think my empty stare and my cheeks stained raw like a ripe pomegranate
stop her from making me do anything
I haven’t washed my hair in three days
The thought of leaving my room ties a knot in my stomach that can’t be undone
And why doesn’t my dad understand
That I don’t feel like dragging my body around because it’s as if it’s a bag of sand?
My doctor told me that I have anxiety
headaches
trembling
nausea
lightheadedness
trouble swallowing food
excessive, o n g o i n g worrying and tension
difficulty concentrating
trouble falling asleep
or
staying
asleep
I didn’t get to sleep tonight
Jan 20, 2015
Jan 20, 2015 at 2:57 AM UTC
With all due respect, you make the oxygen rush uneasily into my lungs, paining the edges every time you speak, and I find it that your absence also does just that. Pain my lungs every time I think of you, that is, every time I breathe in the scent of coconut oil & the rays of the sun that you're not here. Accompanied by saltiness for whatever girl you could have wrapped around your tongue in efforts of finding someone better than I am, when you return I still find myself wrapped up too, venturing deeper and deeper into your mind, and your body.
I know this was supposed to be me explaining what my anxiety felt like in that moment you dared to say “you wouldn't mind risking falling in love w me”, but the train tracks in my mental are extremely hazardous, and my thoughts frequently wander. Despite this, my body had been making the adjustments, to allow me to see nothing but how the moonlight would look on your chest when I'd take you out to the beach at night, and transform myself to become a part of you, despite feverish attempts to not take you seriously, to not take anyone seriously…You can’t possibly want to love me. But…we are cute huh? (luna y sol)...te echo de menos -- and the absence of someone is always a hard rock when thrown and harder when felt. And as my chest tightens and oxygen pumps through less parts of my body...I love the feel of my lightheadedness...if only you were the cause.
Listen, I have no problem being your sun AND your moon and allowing every bit of emotion in me to get slandered and thrown up into the sky every minute of every day, I have no problem respecting you and the person you want to turn into, I’m already to far gone in love with the idea of being loved by you. But my mind has a non-permeable guard up to keep the butterflies away that I feel every time I speak to you, though they fly over anyway. Pain demands to be felt, and I allow pain in every time in my dreams when you say "love", but allowing it to stay is something this conscious me hasn't figured out yet. But hopefully I will, and at the same time start remembering to breathe again.
-g.e.s.
May 18, 2015
May 18, 2015 at 5:18 AM UTC
Invincible-young,
Running through the pages
Like the book will never end.
Muscles never sore,
Chest never tight,
With breathless, lightheadedness.
Free like a beast from his cage,
On a warm spring day,
For the first time in a decade.
Sprinting till the crowd is in sight,
Embraced and lifted on their shoulders,
Welcomed to the next stage,
Grown, we now must be.
May 5, 2013
May 5, 2013 at 2:20 PM UTC
Giddiness
Feeling jumpy
Breathlessness
Rapid heartbeat
Lightheadedness
Constant daydreaming
Smiling inappropriately
Butterflies in the stomach
Feverish but in a nice way
Extreme feelings of euphoria
A springlike rise in one's temperature
Hearing singing when there's no one there
An unexpected interest in romantic poetry and schmaltzy love songs
And
Finally
A sudden urge to dance
DIAGNOSIS: You're not sick -
You're just in love!
Jul 20, 2015
Jul 20, 2015 at 12:57 PM UTC
there are bystanders
and there are activists,
the ones who care enough
to attempt some futile rebellion
by taking a seat on the wrong side
of the couch.
it doesn't sound like much,
but it is.
lately,
your hands are always
on that bottle of glue.
I guess it's better
than a bottle
of something else.
look at me,
the famished beggar
quenched and grateful
and silent
in consumption.
I do take hold of it
and clutch it in my palm
even if you can't see it.
and then, the impact.
it comes quickly
in lambent fractals
an unsettling, gleaming mess
of lightheadedness
and holds me in paralysis.
It doesn't belong to me.
it never did.
and there is still that guilt
buried deep within;
it howls in the night
and whispers incessantly
in the afternoons.
it is dry gluttony
incarnate in the hardest
of gazes, of nights in indigo
and in the softest
of ratted fabrics.
look, I remembered for once.
that's a step
in the right direction
but I've still got so far to go.
don't you know
you have so little time,
in the blink of an eye,
the flutter of a lash
you'll be insipid ash.
you've got to go
it's better you're blinded
by crimson sand and salt
than you stay and wait
for a hurricane.
the torrents, these downpours
but we all stay the same --
we refuse to move away
from the shore.
Mar 22, 2015
Mar 22, 2015 at 12:34 AM UTC
The feeling is one of a drunkard,
Stumbling and falling, lightheadedness
And distant memories. He pain I feel boh physically and emotionally is turmoil, up and down and nowhere to rest.
I skim and laugh and everything which is a blur,
The memories I had, the pain I fuel through them.
Hurt ain't easy and the love comes hard,
But I'd rather cold and distant than this love.
My insanity proves right, that there is hurt pain and things to go away but to away with it. No more, no more. I am not a about yo let it.
Nov 13, 2014
Nov 13, 2014 at 8:40 PM UTC
I've never told anyone that I missed them,
never told anyone that their absence keeps me up at night,
never had the privilege, or perhaps the curse, of experiencing my heart when it's submerged in love and longing.
I guess I've been dipping my toes in the water - too afraid to jump right in. I've never been careless like that.
Love is not a game, not a lake you jump into during the summer when the sun is high in the sky and you're sweating bullets.
Rather, love is that oasis you find after walking one eternal day in the desert of life - the clear water you stumble upon and drink and drink and drink until you're stumbling away with lightheadedness.
Love saves you -
gives you a reason to say I miss you,
I can't sleep when you're not here,
take my heart with you if you really must leave me.
Mar 21, 2017
Mar 21, 2017 at 8:23 AM UTC
Forgive me, my heart beats too fast.
I suffer from lightheadedness.
In frigid sweats I shrink aghast.
I panic from my breathlessness.
My weakened legs won’t let me stand.
My skin sizzles like it’s been shocked.
Can’t calm the tremor in my hand.
I’m speechless as if jaw’s been locked.
My eyes are crossed in confusion.
I’m frozen like an icy blue.
I’m afraid it’s no illusion.
My body’s broken around you.
Sep 6, 2018
Sep 6, 2018 at 3:31 PM UTC
I wake up.
Tear stained pillow,
Blankets thrown everywhere.
I have to get up.
It takes so much energy,
to push my body onto the paper covered floor.
I don't want to get up.
Wrapping myself in what's left of the blankets,
wincing at the pain felt as my body moves.
I lay there.
Mind whirls already of things that must be accomplished.
Can't I have just a moment of peace?
I get up.
My body aches as I step over the forgotten homework and ***** laundry,
Dizzyness and Lightheadedness cause me to stumble my way to my closet.
I walk.
Putting on clothes to cover the night before,
and starring at the unrecognizable figure before me in the mirror.
I get ready.
Making food that I'm never hungry for anyways,
and forcing my eyes to stay open.
I leave.
To go to a place I am scared to be in,
but sometimes is better than the place I left.
Nov 20, 2016
Nov 20, 2016 at 2:32 PM UTC
My Anxiety is odd
It’s not like how others describe it in the books
I don’t tremble in a large group
I radiate, never hesitating to cause a laugh
I don’t stress and fidget in front of a crowd
I stand taller and have no fear of what’s to come
It’s when I’m alone, that’s when it happens
Sitting, isolated from the rest
Shopping, waiting, walking from A to B
I can’t help but shake
Overthinking every move I make
Breathing deeply and frail at the same time
A panic attack around the corner
Standing idly, awaiting the brutality
Hitting me in the gut, taking my breath
Being ruthless as it watches me fall
When I realize I’m out of control
It sneaks in, startling me and I’m unable
To shake off the lightheadedness that comes
From holding in the large tears and suffocating the sobs
As someone who doesn’t know their own volume
I silence
Happening less and less over the last few years
I’m more at ease with the self awareness
It’s just hard to comprehend
Why so many crave to be alone
Aug 27, 2019
Aug 27, 2019 at 3:58 PM UTC