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Gem S Nov 2015
You’ve changed, in a way that I know you don’t even recognize yourself. I know, because when you’re alone you frown at the floor and your face is absolutely heartbreaking but then she comes around and you put the face away and smile again. I could be delirious, you could just be happy, but are we really ever happy with something we cheated to get? Maybe you don’t see it that way, and you’re the happiest person in the world, but if you really are, then explain that face to me? I’ve only seen that face after your cousin died, when you were questioning God and why everyone was leaving your life. You look lost, but then again you look like a stranger, and I know of nothing in your life anymore, except these gut feelings that something isn’t okay. Is your mom okay? Is your grandmother healthy? Have you thought about suicide? Is she helping you pass with good grades? Is she funny? You deserve endless laughter. You’re changing, but maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s just because I’m on the outside. Somewhere I’m not used to being, and somewhere I wish I wasn’t. Maybe it’s because you said we’d still be friends and you still feel something, and maybe it’s because hope is dangerous. Because after I’d hoped that we’d be better and that you had the repressed feelings that I was experiencing out loud, and then you stopped talking to me, I lost everything. Now, don’t go thinking you are my everything, because you aren’t, but the concept was never something I hated. Back to why I’m writing this, does she have a soul like I do? Because I’d hate to know you’re being handled by someone who doesn’t have a deep soul, and sees the universe when they close their eyes. Are your car rides the same? Do you try to do the same things with them? Is she still pregnant? Isn’t she the good girl? Isn’t that why she’s easier to love and bring home to mom? Honestly, how is your mom? Sigh, I guess it’s okay. Just be careful…you can only change yourself so much before it becomes ******.

how can I get past you when you obviously need my help?
Gem S Sep 2015
I want to touch you,
under my red lights,
it used to be because I loved you,
and now it’s because I can't heal without you.
I’m trying to touch you,
but it’s more like grasping for oxygen,
trying to swing at something that isn’t there.
And I’m here writing to you,
4 months later on my bathroom floor,
4:54 AM on your birthday,
and I’m still throwing up when I see you.

Screaming your name into pillows,
but not like the way I did in February.
I feel like I swallow razors when I catch sight of you,
happy, unbothered, holding on to someone you cheated to get,
who do you think you are?
leaving me for nothing,
pretending to be happy,
giving someone else my world,
my love,
my kisses,
but no one really knows what went down between us,
the same way they didn’t understand our love.
And I’m fine with that…
but not really.

I’ve tried drinking wine but the truth is you’re my whiskey,
and though they make me feel mature and elegant,
they’ll never taste like you.
But even you have gotten a bitter taste in my mouth,
when before you just tasted like honey.
Their hands feel different,
their kisses awful,
I feel guilty every time someone holds me,
like I still belong to you and you’d be upset.
But truth is you’re being held right now,
by someone who doesn’t know how to hold you right,
and you’re trying to bend and shape yourself to make everything fit,
to try and feel perfect in her,
when you know she doesn’t have the same feel,
she doesn’t go down your throat as smoothly as I did,
so you make up your face and turn your head,
but I caught a glance and I know how it feels.

I won’t stay caught up for much longer,
I’m just waiting for my psychiatrist to take me off this new round,
because it makes me see you.
It makes me crave you.
It makes me miss you.
I’m just waiting for the anxiety to end,
so I can stop following behind you.
Because while I’m not your ghost anymore,
I’m still your shadow.
Because now I have to pretend like I want to be friends,
when I’m just trying to stop the apprehension when you walk past me,
Like that’s all I am to you.
Your past.

this is a terrible day for me but I hope your birthday is amazing, even if you celebrate it with her, without me, whatever.
Gem S Jun 2015
some  names  will  always  taste  bitter.

six word story, describing my luck w past loves & experiences that used to taste like hershey's kisses but instead only left me with a toothache and a mess to clean up.
  May 2015 Gem S
Paige Nixon
I’m tired of watching.

Gaping at this cinematic reality as it slowly sinks into my sensitive skin like hot rocks on a not-so-relaxing Sunday morning.

Disappointment after disappointment, I tap my foot with impatience, awaiting a ship that never docks, yet instead, tantalizes me as it nears the harbor but changes its course midway.

I’m limp, dangling over the wishing well in my bathroom that swallows as I heave; attempting to rid my body of all my pathetic hopes and expectations and watch as they are flushed down the toilet.

You are a dagger and I have closed my eyes, preparing myself to die; allowing my flesh to surround your malicious blade as you pierce agonizingly through my shattering heart.

I am (or was) a majestic sailboat and you are a bulwark placed dangerously in my path, resulting in a complete wreckage causing my sail to sink miserably to the bottom of the ocean.

Tired of seeing.

Watching each face blossom with happiness as my stems overflow with jealousy; I stare at the reflection of my forlorn face, painfully plucking each of my withering petals and allowing them to fall to the ground in defeat.

Feeling my chakras disintegrate as my large intestine absorbs my heart that melted at the sight of your hands entwined with ones that aren’t mine.

I’m suffocating, gasping for air as I hug myself until I am strangling my waist, searching for that comforting lungful of compassion.

Tired of noticing.

Releasing my last breath, I let go. Allowing my body to be consumed by the numbness that started at my heart as it froze.
-P. D. C. N.
Gem S May 2015
When you feel the wall going up between you two,
Slowly at first and reaching 7 stories high,
Know that you have lost.
Know that he has lost interest and is looking elsewhere
for someone else that has smiles like sun rays and moonshine in her eyes.
Know that when you see him look at another girl the way he used to look at you, that you indeed, have lost him.
And you cannot get him back.
When others and even you, question whether they’re in a relationship,
When he stops calling you his princess and starts calling her his queen,
When he talks to her all day long about nothing and only messages you to say, “I hope everything’s okay”,
Know that he no longer cares.
That you had a special place but you lost it,
And the girl that made him feel less lonely, he now spends his nights and days with.

See, the way to see someone’s true colors is to make them wait.
To make them wait months for you to be theirs, even if it’s for your own good, just make them wait.
They will promise to wait at first and then get bored and then leave.
And when they show you their true colors, do not try to repaint them.
Do not try to hang a beautiful picture over their face,
Pack your **** up and move on.
Because you deserve better.
Because the right guy will wait years for the love of his life.
Because he won’t hold someone else’s hand to make the wait easier.
Because if he can’t wait, the gift just wasn’t for him.

mood // The Knowing

I will try to move on tomorrow unsuccessfully.
Gem S May 2015
With all due respect, you make the oxygen rush uneasily into my lungs, paining the edges every time you speak, and I find it that your absence also does just that. Pain my lungs every time I think of you, that is, every time I breathe in the scent of coconut oil & the rays of the sun that you're not here. Accompanied by saltiness for whatever girl you could have wrapped around your tongue in efforts of finding someone better than I am, when you return I still find myself wrapped up too, venturing deeper and deeper into your mind, and your body.

I know this was supposed to be me explaining what my anxiety felt like in that moment you dared to say “you wouldn't mind risking falling in love w me”, but the train tracks in my mental are extremely hazardous, and my thoughts frequently wander. Despite this, my body had been making the adjustments, to allow me to see nothing but how the moonlight would look on your chest when I'd take you out to the beach at night, and transform myself to become a part of you, despite feverish attempts to not take you seriously, to not take anyone seriously…You can’t possibly want to love me. But…we are cute huh? (luna y sol)...te echo de menos -- and the absence of someone is always a hard rock when thrown and harder when felt. And as my chest tightens and oxygen pumps through less parts of my body...I love the feel of my lightheadedness...if only you were the cause.

Listen, I have no problem being your sun AND your moon and allowing every bit of emotion in me to get slandered and thrown up into the sky every minute of every day, I have no problem respecting you and the person you want to turn into, I’m already to far gone in love with the idea of being loved by you. But my mind has a non-permeable guard up to keep the butterflies away that I feel every time I speak to you, though they fly over anyway. Pain demands to be felt, and I allow pain in every time in my dreams when you say "love", but allowing it to stay is something this conscious me hasn't figured out yet. But hopefully I will, and at the same time start remembering to breathe again.

some **** I wrote like a year ago  after a breakdown, unedited.

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