too many lies have made me blind

i'm just trying to make myself feel and be better, but i wasn't a great partner.. always two sides to the story

she pointed out things i already knew about myself, i'm not perfect but i try to be patient with myself... if I could I would've rushed the process

i'm worth it, yes... i think... but sometimes it doesn't feel like i'm worth my next breath of air

i've always had an issue with that until it backfired, one bullet turns into 100

right at me, if they were real i wouldn't try to dodge

questioning the "logic" behind these emotions

imaginary weight? but it's dragging me down before the sun rises again

i don't have anything to believe in, i'm not the one for her... is what she's decided

nothing is right for me... after endless mental agony

facts don't make me feel better, but it's good to be honest

always better to be honest... things are **** at the moment

there's nothing to do but live through it again

i was... dumb to think otherwise

they say to step away at first sign, but you always want to try to fight it

for the sake of making things work, even if they don't

i've given up plenty of times, this time it feels like i shouldn't again

when i should, again

here it comes

i get it, i get it

ahhhhhhhhhhh

yes i'm flawed... i know... i'm still... growing eww

sooner or later

"just let her go"

it's so simple... she's vanished

and it wasn't meant to be, but i thought she was the one to settle down with afterall

she's hung up on an image, multiples

if it makes me feel better, believe it

she just wasn't into me

just focus.. on living, not just exisiting

imagine loving someone that doesn't love you back

thinking about a certain future that's been taken away


my mind is lost right now.... i'll let it run for a bit until i can catch upppp


dreams unlived


i dreamt about our kids last night and I forgot to tell you


an ending with too many photos to feel alive to

Chasing living nightmares,
suffering hell without a care,
baring my heart in the dark,
these days it's hard to tell anyone apart,
running through these fires
dark webs in my mind,
wondering if I've come too far
& if there's enough time
to just run where exisiting isn't so hard,
steadily beginning to believe
I'm where I'm meant to be,
roaming where the wild things are

I'm more than alright
Good and going
Remembered your touch just once
Maybe a few times
Maybe more than often
Or maybe in every heartbeat.
So much it hurt painfully
But when you've lost purpose
Everything becomes bearable.

Still stare at the mirror
Imaging your dear reflection behind my own
Walk right on in and I'm smiling
Sudden pulsating turnaround
And it's not you there - just empty space.
But when no reflection seems beautiful enough
Everything becomes bearable.

So I continue staring into empty space
At the plain coffee table, all alone
Gorgeous eyes materialise before mine
And a reassuring smile
Whispers 'Told you I'd be back.'
Instinctive fingertips reaching out
Caress the cheek like I once used to
But thin air is all it is
Daydream is all it is
Fooling visions and wishes
Illusionary, yet so pretty
You're there but you're really not.
But when any exisiting thing
Feels fake at the touch
Everything becomes bearable.

Still wonder about you in the afterlife
How your ghost keeps coming back
Perhaps you're in a better place now
Perhaps you're not even real anymore.
But when every coming day
Passes by like a movie
Everything becomes bearable.

Crying to sleep each night
Clutching tight old t-shirts and frames
What went has gone for good
But the past doesn't go away.
Memories and nostalgia
Nauseating yet addicting
Adrenaline running high
Then floods back down with regrets
But when you've begun counting breaths
Everything becomes bearable.

They think I've gone crazy
Smiling at what doesn't seem funny
Addicted to what isn't very pleasant
Talking to who doesn't really exist
And it doesn't **** you
It takes you.
But when opinions stop counting
No tear comes a surprise.
When pain isn't a word in your dictionary
Everything becomes bearable.

Wasting away at tearfuls
Vapourising at the flick of each bottle
It isn't pain that has displaced my roots
It's just you.
But when sweet and bitter taste the same
Everything becomes bearable.
When you'd rather pause than see another day
Everything becomes bearable.

here we are,
strangers
exisiting
in the same city
.
I don't remember
what you felt like
what your smile was like
if you ever made me smile
I only remember
feeling betrayed
feeling angry
feeling lost
I cannot say that I care
because I don't
I think
we loved being in love
but you were far too volatile
which taught me to be
docile
.
I don't
hold many regrets
but
I regret
so much of the time
I wasted on you