am I the monster?
pitiful, broken boy. vile creature. twisted soul.
it all feels a bit trite now. I used to fill pages upon pages with that. a ceaseless wave of self-loathing. I wanted to do that tonight. I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to tear myself to pieces. just like the old days: endless tirades into whatever abyss presented itself. notes and poems, blogs and songs.
I even carved it into my skin.
"MONSTER" "PERVERT" "FREAK" "EVIL"
if you look closely you can still see the faint outlines of names I gave myself from my hips to my thighs.
but scars fade.
tablets work (and stop working), counsellors work (and stops working), friends leave (and stop leaving),
nothing stands still. that once constant hum fades into the distance.
a new song takes its place.
just look at all the hope left in its wake...
all the friendships maintained. all the relationships built. all the late night calls and car rides to the beach. all the conversations and arguments. all the half-baked ideas and plans to change the world. all the cups of tea and petrol station tray bakes. all the last minute events. all the bickering and creating. all the faces glowing. all the plane, train, bus, and bike journeys. all the phone calls answered. all the wounds bandaged. all the ambulance trips and hospital visits. all the falling outs and friend drama. all the heartbreak and bellyache. all the pain and confusion. all the *** and prayer. all the tears and laughter. all the board games and secret shames. all the friends lost and friends gained.
there are lives worth living, and people worth loving.
my life did not end at 16, when I committed a crime and shattered the world.
no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I bled, I could not change what I had done.
but it is done.
all of it.
and many, many years later, I think I can finally begin close a chapter of my life.
after all, hope grows in the cracks.
I worry a lot about the people around me. I worry that I will let them down, that I’ll hurt them, that I’ll miss a step and let them fall. I always have worried about these things, but it is different now.
I don’t have to worry that these friends will talk behind my back. I don’t have to worry that these friends will lash out at me. I don’t have to worry that I’ll get thumped if I let them down. I don’t have to worry that my home will become a place to be frightened of. I don’t have to worry that every action will be scrutinised for slights I never intend.
I have the best friends in the world. I have a loving family. I am very lucky, and I really don’t deserve the people around me.