Let's play pretend
You imagine I’m not me
and I’ll become a golden boy
wielding strength through body, not mind
Fight me and I’ll break apart
I'll break
anything to prove you don’t see me
now make something tough and it will shatter
You thought me fragile but a shard of glass is deadly
dad, let’s fight but leave words were they are
if they’re never spoken I won’t choke you with them
Instead let us be men
Silent
dad, isn't it lonely to fight only with flesh
We lash out to connect but a strike is fleeting
I used to wield my voice like a whip and it struck
an echo in a head for days
Hard to be lonely when your head rattles
dad, a singular body feels weak when I had six figures
there are only so many ways to break a body with your own
but a mind
Shatters
and reforms
And that is why women are stronger.
I’ve given up strength to be weak.

I think of the water
offered to me
when thirsty.

Scalding water during a drought.
I want to drown myself(.)
out but

there is no flood to submerge in.
Not feminine.
Not successful.
Not enough.

When I cannot
afford my mother kindness
I give her honesty.

This house is loveless.

I told myself
                the white walls of her
castle illuminated my class,

That the poverty in
                my footsteps traipsed dirt
into pristine halls.

That my broken home
                would leave shards
of splinters in her own.

That I should never
                play the role of prince
with the conviction I felt in my soul.

That she was a fairytale I wasn’t allowed.

I didn’t voice
                I’d heard the term lesbian
and come to understand things about myself.

That the syllables of
                her name on my tongue
carried the tang of hymns.

That her name made my empty soul soar.
And then fall.

That her name made God jealous.

To learn that you are human is to break apart.
I am a scatter

             f
                   r                 i
       a                                n                         w
                 g                                                      i
   m                                               t                      n
                         e                       h                             d
              n                                        e
  t
                             s

You storm through me
                                                               the dust does not settle
I will never know myself again.

From her lessons in independence we learnt that everyone leaves,
Abandonment as sure a fact of life
                                                                ­                                            as death.

We learnt that love was transactional,
A currency,
A receipted ***-for-tat tete-a-tete.

At the altar we were shown lies,
In the white dress a million yes’s but the question was never till death.

I could walk through darkness without worry,
I’d never been shown the danger,
Been encouraged to see an enemy in calories but not strangers.

We learnt to lie to avoid bruises,
Wooden spoons used for more than stirring soup,
The salt burning streaks down our faces when the *** boiled over the stove top.

Truths ignored and lies inelegant
We learnt to wield fists with tongues  
Sparring for our lives.
Cautiously awaiting the
whistle pop
truth drop
wished unsaid
upon
impact.

in his limbs i find penance

when he pins me down
                                                     its my mothers hands around my throat
begging
                 for sounds i won’t make
                                                                 praying
                                                                ­                     to be allowed silence  
when we join i know
                                         i hate him  
after we part
                                                              i hate myself

                            solace in the steamed bathroom mirror
                                    hiding the sin from the sinner  
the
        salt
                   of
                          his
                                   pleasure
the
        salt
                   of
                          my
                                   pain
                                                                      washed off together as though
equal

                                                        but

her limbs are absolution  
                                                    ­                                 seek and ye shall find
i am forgiven between her thighs
                                                                               on earth as it is in heaven
the prayer on my tongue meets god
                                                                ­                                                                 ­                                                                her gasp Amen

I want to run until my knees hit the concrete
towards the grass
towards the earth
away
gravel grazes grit splinters ****** shins
yet still leaping
body tilted
in battle with the wind.