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Ind Jan 16
I told myself
                the white walls of her
castle illuminated my class,

That the poverty in
                my footsteps traipsed dirt
into pristine halls.

That my broken home
                would leave shards
of splinters in her own.

That I should never
                play the role of prince
with the conviction I felt in my soul.

That she was a fairytale I wasn’t allowed.

I didn’t voice
                I’d heard the term lesbian
and come to understand things about myself.

That the syllables of
                her name on my tongue
carried the tang of hymns.

That her name made my empty soul soar.
And then fall.

That her name made God jealous.
Ind Aug 2022
To learn that you are human is to break apart.
I am a scatter

             f
                   r                 i
       a                                n                         w
                 g                                                      i
   m                                               t                      n
                         e                       h                             d
              n                                        e
  t
                             s

You storm through me
                                                               the dust does not settle
I will never know myself again.
07/08/22
Ind Aug 2022
From her lessons in independence we learnt that everyone leaves,
Abandonment as sure a fact of life
                                                                ­                                            as death.

We learnt that love was transactional,
A currency,
A receipted ***-for-tat tete-a-tete.

At the altar we were shown lies,
In the white dress a million yes’s but the question was never till death.

I could walk through darkness without worry,
I’d never been shown the danger,
Been encouraged to see an enemy in calories but not strangers.

We learnt to lie to avoid bruises,
Wooden spoons used for more than stirring soup,
The salt burning streaks down our faces when the *** boiled over the stove top.

Truths ignored and lies inelegant
We learnt to wield fists with tongues  
Sparring for our lives.
Cautiously awaiting the
whistle pop
truth drop
wished unsaid
upon
impact.
24/11/2021

feels incomplete but I don't know where it's going
Ind Mar 2022
in his limbs i find penance

when he pins me down
                                                     its my mothers hands around my throat
begging
                 for sounds i won’t make
                                                                 praying
                                                                ­                     to be allowed silence  
when we join i know
                                         i hate him  
after we part
                                                              i hate myself

                            solace in the steamed bathroom mirror
                                    hiding the sin from the sinner  
the
        salt
                   of
                          his
                                   pleasure
the
        salt
                   of
                          my
                                   pain
                                                                      washed off together as though
equal

                                                        but

her limbs are absolution  
                                                    ­                                 seek and ye shall find
i am forgiven between her thighs
                                                                               on earth as it is in heaven
the prayer on my tongue meets god
                                                                ­                                                                 ­                                                                her gasp Amen
18/03/22
Ind Mar 2022
I want to run until my knees hit the concrete
towards the grass
towards the earth
away
gravel grazes grit splinters ****** shins
yet still leaping
body tilted
in battle with the wind.
12/03/22 a thought concocted at 2am
Ind Mar 2022
I said once this place was where dreams came to die,
So why am I happy here?

I can see the years etched into these peoples faces,
On line for every life they should have lived but didn’t.
Creased skin coating arthritic bone;
Comatosed souls in caracasses.

Defiant if not alive.

Because there’s not an eye that doesn’t glisten with mischief in this prison.
Solidarity and laughter while we peel back the skin on our knuckles and chip away bone.

As though the blue plasters can patch up the damage from years where it didn’t trickle down.
12/11/21
Ind Feb 2022
If I were to bottle this it would be

Fleeting moments of such deep joy it’s hard to recollect the moments of utter misery,
Of which there were more.

It would be bitter loneliness without the sweet tang of friends,
The ache of realising alienation isn’t about being alone.

It would be waves
Crashing into rocks after washing over us
Curling our ankles on pebbles
Tripping but running headfirst anyway
Toes in the sea.
It would smell like sun cream  
With the coarseness of sand
Salt and sun and summer.

It would sound like jazz time on a friday afternoon
Blues, show tunes and improv.
Empty balconies,
Wind
Leaves
LMTs
Conversions I listen into but don’t join.
Thunderous silence.

It’s white walls awash with laughter,
Paint fumes and flying
Fresh puddles
Stifled tears
The longing for something more.
23/07/2021
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