the year unravels beside me like a new born child
opening its eyes and only seeing in black & white
It is still adjusting to what will manifest, the things it will see
in such a short amount of time before its death
I wish the years where made to be longer
I think it is simply unfair
and what is my connection with this strange thing
a band that has a restricted time suffocated between its two ends
where do I come into this ebb of time
every second is precious I believe
disappearing in the air like smoke
as if it never happened, as if it was never there
my *** has not been touched in almost more months
than I can count on my two hands
and does that mean anything to anyone,
I have become eagerly selfish with my body
and then you come along and make me question my greed
but I stand firm and strong, like a column of dark gray stone
ascending from the bottom of the ocean and kissing the moon
and does that mean anything to anyone

I generate scenarios in my head of all the possible happiness,
of all the possible people, all the possible anguish that is far
beyond my comprehension and  maybe more than I desire to comprehend
I have recently came to an understanding of endless pain
I dont believe I quite understood it before
but after watching that man out of hate **** 2 men of a different color
a hate generated due to his fathers ******
then released from prison a clean slate
only to have his brother killed by one of the victims younger brothers
my head twisted and I felt his pain when I saw him hold his ****** brother
and my heart felt as if it was being suffocated between his very tears
I felt my heart disappear with his heart
I felt the deepest thing inside of my chest beyond my body
something that goes far beyond that
I felt that  thing weeping
and to think that there are agonies that surpass that
makes me question all my beliefs
makes me question myself
and quite honestly makes me question the things that I have cried for
and the things that I was unhappy for

me, a simple woman staring out into the sky
and I am but an atom
or something so much smaller than that when standing on the edge
of a black hole in our universe, falling into something that our human
minds cannot comprehend
and then where do I go
born into this world from my mother and father
my mother who came from the love of two orphans
and my father who came from the unfortunate meeting of a innocent
woman gone mad and a mad man
and my parents who came from two separate worlds
what has bred through my generations to lead to this
what happened in the seconds of my ancestors
the women who would in their free time sit alone
what is it that they thought of
did I ever cross their minds
did this madness ever cross their minds
are they flowing through me

I lay on my bedroom floor
a bedroom that I simply cannot stand but have somehow grown fond of
one that probably wont be mine in another year and someone else's
will my energy rub into them, did the previous owners energy run
through me, this previous child

its quite amazing how every human is a absolute work of art
generated by two people who at some point in time mixed the paint
of their bodies together and came out with a piece
call it cheap art, bad art, disastrous, ******
every human is still a work of art
filled with thought and emotion
peoples eyes lately have come to **** me
I cannot handle it, the thought of this alone
is so overwhelming

and here I am writing of it
like the slave I am to my own mind
like the slave that I am to my own thoughts
I am a faithful miner digging through the pits of life
eager to find something worth drilling for
eager to find something worth crying and laughing for
eager to find fuel to add to my fire of a raging heart

I have come across a mind recently
that is bent in all sort of shapes and directions
I can hear the bizarre in that voice
and I have been rather amused, for a longer stretch of time than I usually let myself be consumed within another human
I have forgotten what those waters have felt like
coming to me, yet staying far away
there is so much room for me to breathe
and yet so much room for me to be close

I have found new sanctuaries within myself
where the elimination of boundaries have been discovered
where nature breathes like a blushing ghost
where the flowers are dead yet sing the tales of liveliness
and bewilderment and they are just as beautiful as the new born
flowers, but they have the death and wrinkles of wisdom
the rivers butcher into the oceans
and within their butchering they make love in the most
calmly fashion  
lovers roam these lands touching and kissing each others hands
there are no promises of love made, only ceasing of the moments
and a lingering future of mystery and hope
that is all

and many times I retreat in my thoughts and wish that I lived within
this state of mind when I met you or you or perhaps you

I have been known to suffocate love
I have been known to walk away full
to empty myself and dehydrate my body of life's genuine water
I have been known to drown that emotion
I have been called the reaper of these beautiful things
but I have done quite more than forgive myself and accept these things
and I have done quite more than just make myself believe that I can

restraint bled through me since I was young
because emotions where made to be wrong
these things erupted in me the wrong way


but I am here now in this state of mind
and have come to the realization that this is where I belong
the risks I shall take
I am not preaching only endless beautiful things
no, I am preach things of a true life
and taking it in for simply everything that it is worth
I don't believe in solid dedication
I hunger for space still
but now I hunger for other things as well
and the mix of the two
has made new souls within me