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"chipper" poems
her rigorous objections are herded slowly down the sheep trail by studious pencil thin men with stylish mustache's who have deep pocket pickers for friends they gather round the weak willed and the willing alike looking for cheap thrills and spare change everybody needs a new road when the old one seems to never end but she with eyes cast down mumbles her unappeased desires as she shuffles a little closer to the truth as she sees it she has it all written out in secret languages she has books filled with life's coded thoughts as she see's them barn burners and dare devils grace the cover of her latest creation self titled to her own romantic name she is stylized in her own way so she adores the pencil thin men with their dashing devil may care good looks i wrote her a letter yesterday full of stories from the great highway full of chipper go getters and the glum go gotten she is a forever stone on a necklace she is a moonstone on a bracelet she is graceful when it counts and thats more than enough for me the pencil thin moustache men come to conquer the all night diners in the small shoreline towns but slink away in dawns first light with stolen smiles and borrowed kisses that they promise profusely to return tomorrow but never do such is the romantic night by her side such is the wonder-wheel days of our journey on the great highway
0
Sep 22, 2014
Sep 22, 2014 at 6:08 PM UTC
the pencil thin moustache men
Forever neglected Forever dismayed Forever deafened By the cacophony of the trade The antiquated digger stands by A sentient guard of the worker It watches as the tree slowly dissipates Its life slowly crumbling As the voracious chipper Devours the tree whole The worker stands by The digger stands by The chipper chips away The taciturn worker remains Ruminating the existence of the world. Why was he put here? For what reason must he stay with these hallowed construction tools? Do they feel any remorse for the change that they've enacted On the world around them? Are they aware that they transgress the laws of nature? The bellicose chipper Wages war with nature As the people watch so distantly. Its sound makes the neighbors quite belligerent Yet the zealots watch attentively. The pure ignorance The pure neglect The blatant apathy Is something to be seen. Whatever could possess you To follow in the footsteps of the worker To feel his pain as the trimmer Chips away at the trees' centuries The sound of shattered glass Punctuates the air. Perhaps there has been an accident.
0
Apr 15, 2015
Apr 15, 2015 at 9:33 PM UTC
The Jurisprudence of the Construction Worker
Cold today but at least the sun's in play Out in it Wind talking through mouthfuls of white pine sweeping, swishing whispers just enough to let the chimes sing as bells without bashing-- themselves to dissonant trinkets Music-muttering, free Leafless shadows of the early spring cold creeping 'cross the yards toward noon where they disappear into a wood-chipper What the hell is with my neighbors? Why do people hate their trees? Maybe 'cause they are not theirs? Grown beyond them and their confines? My tiny yard so feral They probably hate mine too But I belong to them   and mine belong to me They curve around, protective my home of wind and bird and sky swirling cream 'n coffee one into another like   Music sometimes falling through itself into... Sure-- know how to **** a morning I let them live trees and neighbors ...as my mind smears into afternoon
0
Apr 7, 2018
Apr 7, 2018 at 2:42 PM UTC
Sun in Play
Just a little off the top. Drawin' a dotted line 'round the skull takin' your shears just above the ear. Cuttin' a close crop. Burrowin' into the skin this time 'round the skull now your clippers smilin' so chipper. Leavin' a head clean smooth. Whistlin' at a near-finished work 'round the skull peelin' back the skin bravin' a peek within. Grabbin' that comb with its fine tooth. Unfurlin' that pink mass of quirk 'round the skull eyein' where tendrils append trimmin' the dead ends.
0
Jan 6, 2016
Jan 6, 2016 at 12:25 AM UTC
Cheap Haircut
Still today Danang. Saigon.Tet. Mi Lai. ** Chi min trail. All and more on reverb The unwinable in black body bags. Dam. Just like Cronkite's musdtache goimg on and on Drafted into the  wood chipper The buzz saw. for what. Then the embassy buggie. Choppers listing into the sea. Half baked. Blood on ground. For what. Visit Vietnam. A travelers paradise. Half price now with great accomodations. Cambodia too.for the price of one. Kamir Red. How many dead? For what.
0
Jun 1, 2013
Jun 1, 2013 at 6:14 PM UTC
The Nam Again
It seems to me that the smaller the monument the more likely it is to survive over time to be passed over by water or vandals but with brevity comes the issue of remembrance Over my father and mother and dog Chipper lie several rocks just rocks without any label or ornamentation Which begs the question is a monument a monument if it bears no explanation and the monument's creators have passed and with them the knowledge of why it was placed?
0
Jun 26, 2013
Jun 26, 2013 at 4:05 PM UTC
Monuments
The coffee cups are ***** But it’s the cleanest way To drink whiskey here. The barman lost half his right fingers To a wood chipper in his early 20’s And spent the rest of his adult life Flipping the world off. He got it down to a fine art By the time I showed up. He didn’t smile when I ordered my drink. He didn’t smile at all. The jukebox hasn’t changed For two stagnant decades And most everyone but the regulars Are too scared to use it. It’s the same rotation Of Elvis, Muddy Waters, BB King, John Coltrane, And early Bruce Springsteen. Not a woman in sight But every song is about them And we are all here Because of them. Certain patches of carpet Have not seen a crack of light Since the Berlin Wall fell. Nothing changes here but the customers- And that change is incremental at best. The same filthy etchings over The same filthy cubicle doors. The same Cherokee Indian Smoking a Cuban Cigar In the heartland of America. I can’t find myself here But there is no feeling of loss. There is no profundity in anything here. Just squalor And enjoying one’s squalor. I think that is what it means To be truly happy.
0
Aug 17, 2018
Aug 17, 2018 at 5:24 AM UTC
Sloucher's Bar
on a nudist beach there was a man wearing shorts they were yellow shorts and a jaunty hat which despite their cheerful airiness the chipper summer colour, he felt alone, down and shunned. the mere thought of those dear shorts invited des amigos and an invitation for tacos a sombrero night he thought as he picked them out in the store. but now alone on the beach he caught disdainful glares directed at the winsome shorts he had arrived at the beach so vivacious and jolly but walking along, the rough, hot sand blistering his feet, he was morose forlorn sorrowful and wistful for those dreams those empty shells....... ............. ............ ............ sombrero
0
Feb 25, 2013
Feb 25, 2013 at 12:25 AM UTC
nudist beach
A blanket of warmth Starry skies An orange sunset Crickets singing on summer nights I’m alive again All of my senses are awakened Who is this girl that dreams so vividly Lost in the dark places, remaining in the shadows No one seems to be aware That she’s long gone A polished me Chipper hellos Cheery goodbyes Are we all so blind That we enjoy the illusion And prefer the facade? I’m thirsty for something more For authenticity Real words Shocking humanity Resting in the thoughts of those like me Who see the world differently Who are forced to grin and bear it Before the ultimate surrender
0
Mar 9, 2016
Mar 9, 2016 at 4:42 PM UTC
Those Like Me
I do not think much my place upon this earth, I am second, and you are first, and when your voice is louder than mine it is a familiar for me to sink and recline into my chair, wilful to listen to your unappealing, witted opinion and programmed flair - from which your talent glistens, and has always been there. Oh to be part of your vision. I walk comfortable in high heeled shoes that inscribe me a waggling soft tongue, and when your pace is faster than mine in brogues, and trousers that are looser, I am simply undone, at your ease to summon as the prime task-caster of more tasks to come. Your achievements are set with a slapped wet plaster. Oh that you share a crumb. And when you laugh, it is a big bellied echo that chimes in my throat to strike and produce, a small bit of fruit, just for you. As I mimic your billow in an octave but lower, that feels like part of the very same tune, but my chuckle is actually a choke, and what I could say would only provoke. Oh you laugh much harder than me. My almond eyes are softer than yours and in the day you lock them only for an answer, to some chore which requires a limited goal - don’t get me wrong – I am no prancer, my shoes are far too tight, and I’ve been taking the toll of your papers, your personal sciv, your faxer. A sniffing, weezling mole. Oh I could dig deeper… You **** much harder than me. And when you *** you look in the mirror at yourself in white unbuttoned shirt, heavy brow, so chipper that when your sun sets it does in a vulvonic decree, but you do not know that when I go home, I secretly scissor in a way that would make your morning clippers shake violently. Oh I love much harder than you, I am better than you, but somehow you are better than me.
0
Aug 22, 2016
Aug 22, 2016 at 5:23 PM UTC
My vulvonic decree
I do not think much my place upon this earth, I am second, and you are first, and when your voice is louder than mine it is a familiar for me to sink and recline into my chair, wilful to listen to your unappealing, witted opinion and programmed flair - from which your talent glistens, and has always been there. Oh to be part of your vision. I walk comfortable in high heeled shoes that inscribe me a waggling soft tongue, and when your pace is faster than mine in brogues, and trousers that are looser, I am simply undone, at your ease to summon as the prime task-caster of more tasks to come. Your achievements are set with a slapped wet plaster. Oh that you share a crumb. And when you laugh, it is a big bellied echo that chimes in my throat to strike and produce, a small bit of fruit, just for you. As I mimic your billow in an octave but lower, that feels like part of the very same tune, but my chuckle is actually a choke, and what I could say would only provoke. Oh you laugh much harder than me. My almond eyes are softer than yours and in the day you lock them only for an answer, to some chore which requires a limited goal - don’t get me wrong – I am no prancer, my shoes are far too tight, and I’ve been taking the toll of your papers, your personal sciv, your faxer. A sniffing, weezling mole. Oh I could dig deeper… You **** much harder than me. And when you *** you look in the mirror at yourself in white unbuttoned shirt, heavy brow, so chipper that when your sun sets it does in a vulvonic decree, but you do not know that when I go home, I secretly scissor in a way that would make your morning clippers shake violently. Oh I love much harder than you, I am better than you, but somehow you are better than me.
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44
I watched a spider walk a webbed wire, waltzing 'twixt me and the water. Thought of turning to words, and concur did the birds. Hoisting colors, not flying more fodder. For the staff's, (standing tall) flag is not flown, but tied-on. And, for it, the boy seems more chipper. Still he stares at the stars, drawn-with, cigarettes, cars. Doing his best to pick-out, the Big Dipper.
0
Oct 22, 2015
Oct 22, 2015 at 4:49 PM UTC
A Webbed Wire
Chipper as a wood chopper doused with kerosene lamp oil at the start of the chilly winter all bundled up in a fantasy getaway deep in the wooded forrest lies my pride all cozy-like.
0
Dec 5, 2015
Dec 5, 2015 at 1:26 AM UTC
Untitled
OH MY ******* GOD. I need a night out. I need to drink. I need to do lines of snow. I need to dance. I need to go crazy. Swim in a heated pool at three am. Throw a bottle of ***** in a wood chipper. Scream at the top of my lungs. Turn a few girls gay. And walk around like I own every ******* person in the room. Someone take me out. I'm bored. I need a power trip.
0
Jul 11, 2013
Jul 11, 2013 at 9:59 PM UTC
******* ****
~~~ Testimony & Majesty: Oh God, Why Do You Inflict Me? ~~~ Morning dawning... Thickened whitened whipped cumulus come crossing, no frenzied froth, moving slow royal, stately, as if they are the pride of a celestial navy, peaceful ships, crossing from my portal to your port, traversing from my shade of the blues, over to you, poet, to your personal  screen-adapted CinemaScope version sights This wind buffets, re-directing my morning~borning hallelujahs this wind, nameless, call it chipper, fulsome and volatile, a proud pusher selling a waking up near-chill pill, to accompany the real+imagined armada of nature it, near and nearer to you, to the sky we inhabit+share, its ***** stiffening energy, makes some hide inside, not me, I'm outed by the harsh welcome~touch of this realized reminder - who is the master, who is but an obedient servant, choicelessly writing his psalmist morning devotions... another poem of sky, cloud and wind? *Oh God why do you inflict me? with this time after time obeisance when I am metaphor drained and disabled, abject of adjectives, simile frowning upside downing, have we poets not done our dutiful illuminating your bountiful works?* yet here I am, a soul surviving, incapable of resistance, your frosted creatures persistent, wrest my visions into prose, to add to your overly full Facebook page, with more fawning praise... *Angered have I, you, for now nowhere, tropical rain squall tells all, humans are toys, born to serve, silence your complaining~explaining, and from nowhere with rapido intensity rising, down pours drops of scornful water whippings, demarcating our incoming existence inequality...* and yet with your yang and yang, a reproach for me, for as it waterspout pours, it also pours sunshine, a mystifying warning to the put-upon poet, that in the admixture of nature and life, all is conflicted, all is tremulous beautiful, and now is the due time... *due, you, to complete this treatise as testimony to majesty...* ~~~
0
Nov 26, 2015
Nov 26, 2015 at 2:02 PM UTC
Testimony & Majesty: Oh God, Why Do You Inflict Me?
~~~ Testimony & Majesty: Oh God, Why Do You Inflict Me? ~~~ Morning dawning... Thickened whitened whipped cumulus come crossing, no frenzied froth, moving slow royal, stately, as if they are the pride of a celestial navy, peaceful ships, crossing from my portal to your port, traversing from my shade of the blues, over to you, poet, to your personal  screen-adapted CinemaScope version sights This wind buffets, re-directing my morning~borning hallelujahs this wind, nameless, call it chipper, fulsome and volatile, a proud pusher selling a waking up near-chill pill, to accompany the real+imagined armada of nature it, near and nearer to you, to the sky we inhabit+share, its ***** stiffening energy, makes some hide inside, not me, I'm outed by the harsh welcome~touch of this realized reminder - who is the master, who is but an obedient servant, choicelessly writing his psalmist morning devotions... another poem of sky, cloud and wind? *Oh God why do you inflict me? with this time after time obeisance when I am metaphor drained and disabled, abject of adjectives, simile frowning upside downing, have we poets not done our dutiful illuminating your bountiful works?* yet here I am, a soul surviving, incapable of resistance, your frosted creatures persistent, wrest my visions into prose, to add to your overly full Facebook page, with more fawning praise... *Angered have I, you, for now nowhere, tropical rain squall tells all, humans are toys, born to serve, silence your complaining~explaining, and from nowhere with rapido intensity rising, down pours drops of scornful water whippings, demarcating our incoming existence inequality...* and yet with your yang and yang, a reproach for me, for as it waterspout pours, it also pours sunshine, a mystifying warning to the put-upon poet, that in the admixture of nature and life, all is conflicted, all is tremulous beautiful, and now is the due time... *due, you, to complete this treatise as testimony to majesty...* ~~~
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85
Today i entered a prison. the likes i have never seen before. this prison has no bars, no chains, Disguised in false hope and fake smiles, Leave your loved ones at the door, We will take care of them, Or so they promise, as i walked down the halls of this prison, i felt the dread, as sorrow, filled my head, any happiness i felt before, was ****** away, nevermore, My sunny disposition is clouded, My chipper attitude dulled, as their unheard cry's, watered my eyes, cry's of longing....                                                                   ......waiting.......waiting...... Prisoners stay in their rooms, or wander the halls, being held captive, only by body and mind, which are failing, surrounded by their own kind, .....waiting.......waiting For what? family, friends, or some thing unworldly, to take them, with a promised return, for which they desperately yearn, Saying they will come visit, Promising for an escape ....or end, While they force a smile, To hide the pain, So what? they are getting the help they need for some it is help they don't want, hope has already left their eyes, now just expecting lies, I finally reach my grandpa, Well.... thought it was him, This shriveled old man, Is not the G pa I know, Tell me your theories of life, And how to over come strife, you fight for life,, Your Moore for gods sakes, I don't expect less! We say our good byes, Our lies, And give him false hope, so he can go through his days, in a half awake haze, cause all he can do....                                                                      ..... is wait.
0
Sep 30, 2013
Sep 30, 2013 at 4:54 AM UTC
Waiting for The End
Today i entered a prison. the likes i have never seen before. this prison has no bars, no chains, Disguised in false hope and fake smiles, Leave your loved ones at the door, We will take care of them, Or so they promise, as i walked down the halls of this prison, i felt the dread, as sorrow, filled my head, any happiness i felt before, was ****** away, nevermore, My sunny disposition is clouded, My chipper attitude dulled, as their unheard cry's, watered my eyes, cry's of longing....                                                                   ......waiting.......waiting...... Prisoners stay in their rooms, or wander the halls, being held captive, only by body and mind, which are failing, surrounded by their own kind, .....waiting.......waiting For what? family, friends, or some thing unworldly, to take them, with a promised return, for which they desperately yearn, Saying they will come visit, Promising for an escape ....or end, While they force a smile, To hide the pain, So what? they are getting the help they need for some it is help they don't want, hope has already left their eyes, now just expecting lies, I finally reach my grandpa, Well.... thought it was him, This shriveled old man, Is not the G pa I know, Tell me your theories of life, And how to over come strife, you fight for life,, Your Moore for gods sakes, I don't expect less! We say our good byes, Our lies, And give him false hope, so he can go through his days, in a half awake haze, cause all he can do....                                                                      ..... is wait.
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57
"what's that? you can't get out of your bed? too weak to be alive, too lazy to be dead? well! take your zoloft effectively just inhibit reuptake selectively and soon you'll have the energy to end your life impulsively or be rid of feelings entirely a chipper, cheery half-zombie" "your panicking fits interfere with your day? i'll lay out a feast, a benzo-buffet ativan, klonopin, xanax oh my! not just for those who are too scared to fly! pop two and kiss all of your worries goodbye and your memory, too, if you come to rely on hours spent watching your life pass by just try and object through that stubborn tongue-tie" "your circadian rhythm is not quite right you're asleep with the sun and awake in the night so take one of these twice before closing your eyes and wait for the dreams that will doubtless arise too vivid and real to know truth from lies and the nightmares will be an unpleasant  surprise but stopping abruptly is duly unwise so just find your stars in trazodone skies"
0
Dec 24, 2013
Dec 24, 2013 at 2:44 PM UTC
dosed
I stood in the closed space trembling all over, cracked eyelids slowly falling in deadened existences, somber cheeks sinking in the air, as I stared at the shadowed walls, the Spiderman comforter covering the stained bed, a square of Lego blocks, blue polished tricycle, game consoles, a spinning yo-yo that my baby boy used to hold onto like he'd discovered his new best friend.  I remember the days when we used to watch Recess together, his bright blue eyes staring excitedly at the screen, picture perfect animation elevating into heightened equations, ecstatic smiles and sparkly cheeks.  He was my world, the one that kept me working hard every day to make sure he never went hungry, a shining star in my dreams that made being a father the greatest joy. And some days when I was in the kitchen fixing his favorite dish, fried chicken and crinkled French fries, I could hear the satisfying delight in his face.  His exuberant words, This tastes amazing dad, as I smiled at him and thought how lucky I was to be a part of his life. And when it came time to put him to bed, I'd read, "Life and Dreams," his chipper frame smiling in the moment, seeping inside the lovely diction. And as he drifted off to sleep, I could see his lips moving at a slow pace, I love you, dad. I'd kiss him on his cheeks and reply, I love you too my little man. Now as I stand here gazing at everything surrounding me, how my life is screaming inside and out, harboring in brokenness, I can feel the suffocating breaths in the distance creeping around me, a sunken flame disintegrating into greyed ashes.
0
Dec 18, 2018
Dec 18, 2018 at 1:38 PM UTC
My Only Son
I stood in the closed space trembling all over, cracked eyelids slowly falling in deadened existences, somber cheeks sinking in the air, as I stared at the shadowed walls, the Spiderman comforter covering the stained bed, a square of Lego blocks, blue polished tricycle, game consoles, a spinning yo-yo that my baby boy used to hold onto like he'd discovered his new best friend.  I remember the days when we used to watch Recess together, his bright blue eyes staring excitedly at the screen, picture perfect animation elevating into heightened equations, ecstatic smiles and sparkly cheeks.  He was my world, the one that kept me working hard every day to make sure he never went hungry, a shining star in my dreams that made being a father the greatest joy. And some days when I was in the kitchen fixing his favorite dish, fried chicken and crinkled French fries, I could hear the satisfying delight in his face.  His exuberant words, This tastes amazing dad, as I smiled at him and thought how lucky I was to be a part of his life. And when it came time to put him to bed, I'd read, "Life and Dreams," his chipper frame smiling in the moment, seeping inside the lovely diction. And as he drifted off to sleep, I could see his lips moving at a slow pace, I love you, dad. I'd kiss him on his cheeks and reply, I love you too my little man. Now as I stand here gazing at everything surrounding me, how my life is screaming inside and out, harboring in brokenness, I can feel the suffocating breaths in the distance creeping around me, a sunken flame disintegrating into greyed ashes.
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67
Midnight Master appears with a bounce Up& down faster and faster Orange and black stripes cause a fear of the pounce Knowing he has an appetite searching for something to bite besides myself Honey, acorns, and thistles won't do ...hmmm take him to kanga & roo your quite the chipper fellow Bouncing and gobbling and the day hasn't begun where did you come from? Do you have family or are you the only one?
0
Dec 9, 2012
Dec 9, 2012 at 5:10 PM UTC
Where did you come from?
I've been contemplating suicide, as of late. Not your standard, bullet to the brain, ending ones physical existence, type of suicide. No, I'm considering something... more direful. I'm going to commit a writers' suicide. I'll start by deleting my various internet caches, like the bat of an eye they'll all disappear. Blink, blink, blink! For extra measure, I'll stick an Ice pick through this computer, then sink it, in the lake. I'll follow that up, by dissolving my pens in a vat of acid. To the wood chipper! Go the pencils. I'll have a bonfire, burn all the physical text I have, and every single scrap of blank paper, within reach. To finish it off, I'll break my thumbs, pull out my own tongue. Is a writer really alive, without his word?
0
Mar 25, 2015
Mar 25, 2015 at 1:06 AM UTC
Writers' Suicide (Drunken Ramblings XIII)
The more you try to tell me What is right And what is wrong, What I should do And what I should not, The more you make me Want to face-plant Into a wood chipper. And yet, You continue to speak.
0
Oct 28, 2016
Oct 28, 2016 at 9:39 PM UTC
You Make Me
he wore white sneakers, and black glasses, and played guitar and sung the blues he picked each string and hit each note and had voice like gravel and a heart of gold he was old but he was chipper, he was broken down but he still laughed like it was 1923 he sung to the taste of good food, he sung to the taste of good beer, he sung to the soul of his old city, and he sung for the sake of singing itself he, like each man up there, was playing for the sake of playing. they were a quartet of junker cars and busted stereos he sung those old time blues, back in the days of Robert Johnson and racial inequality, back when the water fountains were separate but everyone was still chasing a dream so uniquely American he sings and he plays and his guitar is just smaller than a normal he sings those old times blues with a smile on his face, even as the world writes new songs for the next generation of gravel- voiced blues-singers that seem to enjoy life just a little bit more than anyone else
0
Feb 29, 2012
Feb 29, 2012 at 9:18 PM UTC
fat matt's
i went to see a psychiatrist last monday in the “avenues” and it was refreshing in a way because she actually listened to me, without making me nervous, which is hard. she asked me simple questions, i told her of the ****** abuse as a child, and the toxicity of my relationship before. she asked how my quality of sleep is, and i said it’s fine but i wake up crying or once i screamed ****** ****** and i also punched the fan blowing on my face in my sleep because i thought i was being attacked. i have panic attacks after grocery shopping and a phobia of crowds, although i’m really unsafe anywhere, anything could happen is how i feel. (my whole life has felt like i’m on the edge of a cliff) i pick at my face, and sometimes pluck out my hair. embarrassing. but better than when i was a young girl and ****** on my.. ****** hair... ugh. wow. anyway she said it sounds like i’m having ptsd symptoms, and that my behavior is very common in people with childhood trauma. she adjusted my meds, now i’m on the highest dose prozac, doxycycline for my face, flexeril, klonopin nightly, and trazadone. oh and birth control. anyway i called out to work one day because the night previous i had had two panic attacks, in my sleep as well. long story short my coworker (i think she’s my friend but i really don’t know to tell you the truth) asked how i was, and i told her everything i just said. she replied with “ptsd from what?” and my thing is i’ve told her of *** abuse when I was a child, and i’ve told her about my toxic abusive relationship. so i replied with photos i’ve taken over the years of my self harm and explained again the abuse and she never replied. i see her at work and she acts chipper as always and just exactly like my friend/coworker. but the only thing she said to me about the pictures i sent her “are you feeling any better?” as she was getting in her car. that stung a little bit. anyway i truly am a crybaby. no sense of direction because i have no sense of urgency. “nothing really matters, anyone can see” and yet there are days when the sun shines even though it hurts my eyes, and it’s beautiful, the flowers in our front yard are beautiful. i’m grateful for life. maybe the meds are working again, hm?
0
Jun 24, 2019
Jun 24, 2019 at 11:58 PM UTC
journal of a girl (crybaby)
i went to see a psychiatrist last monday in the “avenues” and it was refreshing in a way because she actually listened to me, without making me nervous, which is hard. she asked me simple questions, i told her of the ****** abuse as a child, and the toxicity of my relationship before. she asked how my quality of sleep is, and i said it’s fine but i wake up crying or once i screamed ****** ****** and i also punched the fan blowing on my face in my sleep because i thought i was being attacked. i have panic attacks after grocery shopping and a phobia of crowds, although i’m really unsafe anywhere, anything could happen is how i feel. (my whole life has felt like i’m on the edge of a cliff) i pick at my face, and sometimes pluck out my hair. embarrassing. but better than when i was a young girl and ****** on my.. ****** hair... ugh. wow. anyway she said it sounds like i’m having ptsd symptoms, and that my behavior is very common in people with childhood trauma. she adjusted my meds, now i’m on the highest dose prozac, doxycycline for my face, flexeril, klonopin nightly, and trazadone. oh and birth control. anyway i called out to work one day because the night previous i had had two panic attacks, in my sleep as well. long story short my coworker (i think she’s my friend but i really don’t know to tell you the truth) asked how i was, and i told her everything i just said. she replied with “ptsd from what?” and my thing is i’ve told her of *** abuse when I was a child, and i’ve told her about my toxic abusive relationship. so i replied with photos i’ve taken over the years of my self harm and explained again the abuse and she never replied. i see her at work and she acts chipper as always and just exactly like my friend/coworker. but the only thing she said to me about the pictures i sent her “are you feeling any better?” as she was getting in her car. that stung a little bit. anyway i truly am a crybaby. no sense of direction because i have no sense of urgency. “nothing really matters, anyone can see” and yet there are days when the sun shines even though it hurts my eyes, and it’s beautiful, the flowers in our front yard are beautiful. i’m grateful for life. maybe the meds are working again, hm?
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6
I ****** you dry even when you were wrong self-righteously even when your words snatched the fray of my wind-whipped stained white skirt and reeled me into the wood chipper I wanted to choke on every grain of your black salt relish and smother in the undiluted flavor and I savored every last bitter bit
0
Mar 11, 2017
Mar 11, 2017 at 1:03 PM UTC
I always swallow