Once there was a carnival.

It was exuberant and joyful,
With elephants and lions befriending the penguins and sea otters,
And little fairy-like acrobats leaping and zooming across tightropes,
As if they were walking on solid ground.

There was a faint smell of funnel cake and cotton candy and popcorn,
And the sound of people chatting animatedly about,
"Wasn't that act precious" or "oh, darling, look at that penguin! Isn't he cute?"

And then I got a little older.

And the carnival was still joyful, but something had changed.
The carnival had this joyful facade but it was hiding a darker exterior.
The elephants and lions were growing old, and the ringmaster,
Displeased with their best efforts,
Had started to hurt them.
The fairy-like acrobats had gotten injured over the years,
And wobbled a little bit here and there, with hints of hesitation
Perspiring on their foreheads.
The funnel cake and cotton candy and popcorn smell lingered still,
But it was almost as if people had grown tired of the taste,
And in the heat of the summer day,
The food had started to grow stale.

And then I got old.

The carnival had closed now.
Overgrown with weeds,
Stalls and tents covered in graffiti and muck,
It was now a gathering spot for children to make believe,
That they were the fairy acrobats who had once been so agile and captivating,
Or the animals that had struck terror and awe into toddler's hearts.

The carnival was gone,
but the children would run home to their grandmas and grandpas,
and they would tell them the story of how the lion was this close to biting off their nose,
and how one time the acrobat honestly did a front flip from a horse on to a bear onto a lion, and they were honest to God telling the absolute truth no matter what their spouse would say in the room next door.

The carnival was gone, but the stories would go on in a bittersweet never ending circle of intrigue and mystery and magic.

He looks at her lying there sleeping with a smile on his face
He shuts his eyes
Opens them and sees her beckoning to him
He goes to her
Takes her in his arms and murmurs sweet nothings till she is asleep again
He shuts his eyes
Opens them again and he's still standing there watching her sleep

He watches her as she speaks so animatedly
The light from the harsh fluorescent bulb hardly diminishes the angles, the planes, the beauty of her face
He watched the pleasure in her face turns to sorrow as she recounts her troubles
And as he wished with all his might that he could take her in his arms to comfort her

He shuts his eyes
And opens them
He goes to her
Takes her in his arms
Comforts her as she cries out her anguish
He shuts his eyes
Opens them again  
And he's still sitting in his seat
Watching her pour her soul out

He's standing by the door
As she bids him goodbye
She saunters over to him
Hugs him goodbye
As she walked away
He shuts his eyes
Opens them
And hurries over to her
With a whisper as soft as butterfly wings
He says "I'm in love with you"
He shuts his eyes
And opens them again
He's still standing by the door
As she hurried away to her ride
With the words still unspoken

He lay down in his bed
Thinking about the day
As he closes his eyes
He goes back to dreaming about her

Schools of fish
Racing to the King's submerged hold
To pass a collective wish.

A procession led
Unfathomable leagues between the sky
To the One's bed.

From her birthcry rang
Sonic upon waves in all Seas
Bringing promise she sang.

In a voice that shamed
The very Sirens, their infamy
At birth she had tamed.

Tempests brewed in
Nine Seas and in denizens thereof
The palpable rush was no illusion.

Gargantuan fissures marked
The arrival of the Prophet,
As Dogfishes in the streets barked.

Coral caves echoed
News of the Deliverer
Back across the ocean and forth.

The Princess is birthed!
Rejoice! Swim to the King!
Of enthusiasm, was no dearth.

Millions of clans
Puffer, Cat and Gold, with servants in many
*****, Oysters and Clams.

Eels, flying overhead
With Mantas in quick pursuit
Each racing to meet the beloved.

The nobility too was en route
Great White, the Hammer and Tiger
Forgetting around them, all the food.

Clownfish prepared their jokes
Animatedly chuckling at the time
The king called them funny blokes.

From every nook and corner
Of every Ocean, and Sea
Burst life even in lakes and rivers.

Drifting slow yet steady
The convergence occurred at the King's Hold.
The feast now ready.

Reef and plankton
In a million hues waved like banners
Proclaiming the  royal standard.

Seahorses stood en garde
All semblance of a heavy cavalry
Songs were sung by the Bard.

Rows upon rows
Of aquatic subjects
Gazed upwards as the Herald bellowed.

All hail King Teal!
All hail the Princess!
The citizens went mad with zeal.

They raised their arms
As the King raised his own pair
Only to raise alarm.

The babe was godly
Hair as green as kelp
Translucent flesh glowing boldly.

Every colour ever known
Etched across her fins and legs
Majestic, regal, radiating joy unknownst.

Tears diluted the currents
As the folk witnessed their saviour
And cheered in a torrent

Of squeals, laughter and shouts
Praising till the land dwellers heard them
These fanatics most devout.

Thus was the day
Naifin was born into the Sea
Queen of Oceans, she was to be.

My father walked on the roof
at night alone.

He used to come to his son’s home
seeking summer’s relief
from his nine month’s home alone
at the Himalayas foothill.

But he couldn’t leave the chill out.

His seven decades of mind
defied his frail frame
as he hugged the plain’s winter
without a woolen
painting summer on my roof.

Rarely I would be with him
but when he came down
he would speak animatedly
the constellations he had seen
the milky way
about the quarreling owls.

Wish I were there with him
all his nights on the roof
making four wandering eyes
looking at constellations
marveling at the milky way.

Now on some winter nights
I go to the roof alone
without my son
remember father
my heart aching in the thought

One day my son too would come

**Alone

My mentor was your friend
He spoke so animatedly of your passion and humor
You were the single light bulb in a closet of clutter
I wish I could've experienced your soul
I was told you were bright and kind like the morning sun
No one knew the dark cloud behind your golden rays
You were my father, though you never knew it
Showing me that father figures always had my best interest
Your shadow hasn't left us
We miss your smile, genuine or not
It hurts me knowing that I'll never get to make you smile back.

The moon senses my glee,
And so in him I confide,
He peevishly teases me!
And his candour he fails to hide.
The naughty winds eavesdrop,
And spread the word like fire,
Carrying my secret from the top,
They take it down to the wire!
Soon the scattered clouds asunder;
Join in unison and loudly wonder,
"So this is why her scarlet cheeks,
Convey more than what she speaks,
And now it has widely spread,
the reason why she blushes red.
Like a bright and luminous flame,
She glows at the mention of his name,
If his thought should cross her head,
She is sure to turn crimson red."

With a teasing twitter, every bird,
Hops around & spreads the word,
The flowers animatedly sway,
And scatter my secret away!
Further smeared by the rain,
Over the hills and over the plane,
With nowhere to shroud and hide,
My secret spreads far and wide.
Thus making it widely known,
My heart in rhythmic beating,
Cannot stop itself from repeating,
His name, in an undertone!

6:00 AM

I wake to the sound of my grandmother's voice announcing the morning long before the first rooster crows to the open countryside. The sun is still in hiding as I dress in the dark, already dreading the day's events. Shuffling through the empty house, as I attempt to force my frizzy hair into some kind of order, before giving up and slinging a backpack over my shoulder as I walk out the door.

6:45 AM

I stumble on the bus, still half asleep, as the havoc of the the night before has kept me from ever allowing my body a reprieve. Constantly moving, yet I still somehow manage to gain weight. I drop into a seat, my ever growing thighs pushing together as I lean against the cold glass of the ***** window, not daring to look out upon what my world has become.

7:30 AM

I amble my way up expansive staircases and through crowded hallways to my locker, tucked away in a tight corner next to the English office, where I find a semicircle of people waiting for me. We mumble our morning greetings then part ways in our minds long before our bodies move in opposite directions.

7:40 AM

The late bell rings, and I ease into a seat near the front of the class as one of my three good teachers begins to animatedly shout about expressing ourselves and setting our minds free and I'm always tempted to ask her how exactly I'm supposed to do that trapped between the four walls of this mighty mind numbing institution. Because even though this school may have been built like a castle, anyone whose read "Rapunzel" knows that a castle is just a prison where they hide away women.

8:25 AM

I leave one of the few decent classes of the day and enter the chaos of the hall where people are screaming and running and kissing one another, human interactions that I never seem to be a part of. I sleepwalk through the dull drone of teacher's voices, as they rant on about the importance of my "education."

10:00 AM

I reach my fourth class, the day is nearly half over, and I try as hard as I can to listen to the women at the front of the class as she expands logarithms on the page, but the numbers fog up my mind and cloud my vision. I start to feel dizzy, like if I see another equation I might faint. So instead I pull out a notebook that's nearly falling apart, and let the thoughts fall from my mind, making much more sense on the page as I scribble my feelings in a desperate attempt to be poetic.

10:50 AM

The moment I step foot into the cool auditorium it seems to get a little easier to breathe. The corner of the school I have carved out for myself as a home has opened up to me for midday drama class, and I smile at the sight of half-painted scenery littering the stage. But still I wonder how my creativity is supposed to flow between these walls, and how I'm supposed to allow my spirit to be lifted when every single scene we play out has been one hundred percent scripted.

12:30 PM

Finally, lunch arrives and I rush to the courtyard, hoping to soak up the social freedom of these forty five minutes as my friend and I ramble about things that matter and things that don't and I never remember any of the conversations but they're still important because they're the only things that make me feel sane.

1:20 PM

I find myself in the third floor chemistry classroom where I will sit for the next hour and a half wondering how I could make my death look like an accident from an untested chemical or crazy bunsen burner reaction.

2:45 PM

The school day draws to a close, but still I stay in the building where my dreams have come to die, slaving away in a poorly lit auditorium, giving my life and soul to the theatre. Not for a chance to be on stage, but to be behind the scenes, weaving together a musical with the smallest of roles, and it doesn't seem to matter how insignificant my job is, because it takes a lot of small people to tell a good story.

5:30 PM

I exit the sanctuary of the theatre and walk to my mother's car. I choke as the cigarette smoke fills my lungs, while we talk about both nothing and everything. I find that this is the best conversation I'll have all day.

6:30 PM

I'm called upstairs for dinner, my grandmother insisting we all eat together while we scramble for polite conversation topics. My angry political disputes and uncensored ideals of the future are not welcome here, so I keep my mouth shut, tugging at strategically placed articles of clothing made to hide the few secrets my body has managed to keep.

9:30 PM

After hours of pointless false conversation and staring at a flickering screen, I jump into the shower, loving the blissful in between state it provides.

10:00 PM

I go to bed, but not to sleep, my phone hidden under the sheets, sending secret messages to my friend across the universe, like whispers in the dark. When I finally shut my eyes, all the insecurities crawl into my mind like little insects of anxiety. My throat closes up and I can't breathe. I feel as though I have been tied down, and I thrash around the bed until I tire myself out and slowly succumb to sleep.

12:00 AM

I dream.

6:00 AM

I am ripped out of the one pure moment in my 24 hour cycle, ****** awake by the sharp sound of my grandmother's voice shouting the time. I get up to repeat this never ending monotony of my everyday life.

The Wordsmith
He looked exactly like the type. A boy who would grow up to be a man married to a woman who would raise his beautiful children, three or five of them, would soon find himself facing a mid-life crisis. Bored and lost, he goes out to find himself---in the arms of another much younger, more beautiful woman. Finally finding what he has always been missing, he divorces his wife, blinded by the intense emotion he feels for the younger one.

He forgets--- they all forget that the youth are restless.
And he would soon find himself alone.

Watch out for the wordsmith. He comes in a distinct form. Hair unwashed for a day or two, beard long and over-grown; normally hunched with a hand underneath his chin, eyes luxuriously grazing through the pages of his book. In his bag a journal or a sketchpad, or maybe even both may always be found.

He is loyal to none but one: loneliness.

Beware of the wordsmith, his words will echo through the bowels of your mind after he has been long gone.

2. The Good-doer
He is perfect; the sort of fella that makes up every parent’s wet-dream. He would have graduated high school with honors, went home before his curfew, received a college-scholarship, and attends religious activities zealously.
You would see him for the first time in a congregation or talk of some sort, engaged in a deep conversation with a friend or two.
They might’ve been arguing about probabilities and theories; existential questions and what-not. You’d give him a second glance… or a third. You’d notice the book he holds and chat animatedly about it.
He’ll be amused, or in awe.
You won’t be quite sure which.
He’s the type who has never met a pretty girl who can hold intelligent conversation about books.

Raised well, he treats women politely and correctly, through and through a gentleman. But he secretly demeans them.

Stay away from this sort.

He’s bound to marry a trophy: a lady of the same background, who knows nothing but to raise children.
Five years down the road, you would see his picture-perfect family. They all happily walk out the doors of the church.

3. The Player
No. He is not a Casanova, not a smooth talker, not the Romeo. He is the man who never grew up. He is the one who is plagued with the Peter-pan syndrome, in constant need of stories and games. He will claim to need you—believe him. He does. Every baby needs its care-taker.
You would want to be needed the way he needs you. You would want to worry and fuss after him but you will tire, the way all mothers do.
Soon, instead of being thankful, he will grow weary of you. He will isolate himself in the bedroom. Playing endlessly the games you have gifted him; emerging from his cave from time to time—only when he’s ***** or hungry—never when you need him.

Years would pass him by.

He’ll realize how sad and lonely he has become.
One day, they’ll find him cold dead on the bedroom floor.

4. The Seeker
He knows what he wants and makes sure he gets what he wants. A top-notch business man, a CEO of some company; grew up in a rich family. This man knows what he wants and makes sure he gets what he wants.

Be sure you can’t be bought.

Lock your heart, for there lies your treasure. Treasure this dragon will surely devour.

5. The Savior*
He has always been there since Day 1.

You had never noticed... till *it was too late.

Although we endure our breaths in this this shack upon the shore,
The icebergs lurk before us clearer than ever before.
Dancing animatedly in our Siberian tundra,
like a hero taking selfish refuge before the storm.

I think we should try on these tiny snow shoes anyway
and swim through the snow that's buried us beneath our fragile beating sleigh.  
I keep putting my thumb on display,
exposing my heart to these wolves that transpire around us day by day.

I envy their silent and still tails
that rest quietly, sturdy and as deadly as nails.
My thoughts recognize an after party to hide my pain
that I only partake in to seem less insane.

So I coach my brain to copulate with my emotions
rather than with the hurricane motions of the ocean of your brain.
It all seems transparent to me now,
a ghost in my chest pounding to get out somehow.

I am not a believer in the popular notion of God or Allah or Yahweh or Prabhu or Bhagwan or Rabb or any other concept.

I do believe that something has created all of it but that power isn't as selfish to make its creations worship it. The power will be happy if we remain faithful towards life on Earth and do not conduce in destroying any form of life that can express its pain animatedly.

I despise the promise of a place in an imaginary place called heaven or paradise if we comply with the words conveyed to a single person by the fictional creator or the punishment in boiling oil if we don't comply with the words conveyed to that fictional man.

Heaven is nowhere if logic is to be heeded to, but heaven is now here if love, compassion and brotherhood towards all creatures on this planet is on our minds while all of us humans loyally comply with our duties.

Any creator, that will tell a man (probably on marijuana) in his dreams that nonbelievers are to be either converted or killed before the descent of Pralay/Qayamat/Doomsday, is a figment of imagination which propagated through the course of time.

Do good, practice fidelity to your family and your Karma will be balanced to help you attain Nirvaņa.

It takes considerable research to pick an ideal vacation spot,
The end result can be pleasantly surprising, more often than not,
Spain offers a multitude of choices that can be very exciting,
It is those small tucked-away towns that are the most enticing

Cadaques is a pretty Mediterranean location in Catalonia's Costa Brava,
It is a hippy seaside town akin to a hidden cove, that is no mere trivia,
Located on a small peninsula on the eastern side of sunny Spain,
It has all the trappings of an ideal getaway resort, with much to gain

It is the most inaccessible town north of Barcelona, though seductively beautiful,
The road winds through mountains replete with hairpin turns that are an eyeful,
Passing through cliffs one after the other, a rocky coastline is the final descent,
Entering the Spanish village with a breathtaking landscape, makes for rich accent

The idyllic setting, with unbeatable tourist infrastructure, is a veritable holiday haven,
For anyone looking to enjoy sun and sea, the attraction is like a piece of heaven,
The beach town gleaming above the cobalt-blue waters is a joyful sight to behold,
The allure of the windswept pebble beaches is so mesmerizing, if truth be told

The village is always teeming with tourists lazily walking the cobblestone streets,
The animated incessant Spanish chatter with exciting overtones is such an audible treat,
The blazing sun beating down all day from a spotlessly blue sky is never a deterrent,
To people of all ages sauntering the streets, joy writ on their faces, that is so apparent

Colorful sun umbrellas can be seen planted all along the beach, spicing up the milieu,
While the adventurous brave it out to get their suntan, unmindful of little else in view,
A dip in the clear blue water provides an exhilarating experience thro' the day,
The feeling is of total relaxation charting new frontiers, in a wholly different way

It goes without saying that Cadaques is a delightful town for the epicurious,
Restaurants abound in plenty, as they wow to whet the appetite of the curious,
Visitors flocking in droves at all times of the day, is such a common sight,
The menu dished out is of an irresistible variety - naturally, a gourmet's delight

Dozens of gelato shops can be seen virtually in every street,
The vast variety of flavors is mind boggling and an inviting treat,
Serpentine lines at each shop reflect the popularity of this delicacy,
Experimenting with combos is perhaps a fitting culminating fantasy

For strollers, the meandering lanes of Cadaques are an absolute delight,
The sloping by-lanes lined with shops on either side, are an interesting sight,
Skilled artisans flaunt their wares, with determined attempts to persist,
At the end of it all, the inclination to splurge, is undoubtedly difficult to resist

Spanish painter Salvadore Dali's house in Cadaques definitely merits an outing,
A walk around the house depicts his life in the village through his painting(s),
The scenic walk around the well-preserved grounds holds a lot of history,
That he was a tremendous inspiration to the locals, is of little mystery

Groups of people can always be seen walking from one end of the town to the other,
Animatedly chatting mundane and specifics that is delightfully difficult to decipher,
While the preponderance of Spanish locals is perceptible, global participation is nothing less,
It is this cosmopolitan aura that lends color to the charming town, stopping short of iconic-ness

The sound of lapping waves still rings in your ears long after you leave this quaint beach town,
You wish you could turn the clock back and dash back yet again as if making a U-turn,
It is this very quintessential charm that lures visitors to the hidden town with quiet coves,
Spread the message through word of mouth, that visiting such places merit many encores

No streetlight penetrating the double-paned glass from the outside tonight,
just a faint flicker, faltering
in the hollow of my chest
to illuminate the room.

Dim shadows cast are drawn with
menacing cartoon faces-
they laugh animatedly.

There is
so little light
when you are alone-
sometimes.

Strolling down a path
Enjoying my rhythm
Curious, brave and happy.
Creatures observing animatedly
Some ferociously
But I smile in response
For whispers in the dark
Knives behind backs
Won't stop these tracks.

A new light beams
A new love for The Supreme
Something real.
Profound happiness beckons me
Soon I will be floating
Truth be told whole heartedly
I wouldn't have it any other way.

-Feb 1st, 2014. 5:45 pm.

day 7

I was so happy last night
sitting cross legged on the skatepark ramp
wrapped in the stocky darkness
graffiti bouncing atop every surface

beer glasses clinking
because two get me loose
and the sticker art I peel off to save in my phone case
Jess’s laughter and wild paces
back and forth while animatedly describing
everything I needed to know about the universe

and I wake
the drugs long seeped out of my system
but still lingering on my breath
I can’t remember the astronomical lessons
we shared that night
but I know I felt
something incredibly powerful,
almost break-through like

or
maybe that was the shrooms

(it all gets
hard to tell)

I saw it,
I saw it all.

I saw how you would ask me,
Clear eyes cast down, glancing at the ground.
Your soft voice stammering, mumbling about things completely irrelevant to what you were trying to ask.
How your hands would tremble, then suddenly grasp mine.
How you would look up with conviction and stare into my eyes.
Look deep within and ask :
Will you be mine?

I didn't think about how I would reply - I'd imagined it countless times.
I've always been yours.

I saw how we would waste time together.
Your head on my lap, my fingers running through your brown hair.
Talking about silly things like my love of poetry and your hatred of books.

I saw you falling asleep
as I read you poetry.
I saw how my eyes would glaze over as you spoke animatedly about the engines of cars and bikes.

Saw how you would roll your eyes when you finally realised
I just wasn't listening anymore

I saw our intertwined hands and how they gripped each other tightly as if we were afraid we'd let go and lose each other.

I saw the first kiss, how my knees turned to water as your hands encircled my waist.
Your sharp intake of breath as my hand touched your cheek, how you closed your eyes and let your head fall back slightly.

How everything dissipated as my lips reached yours.
I swear I even experienced the hunger, the desire, the greed, the need for more.

I even saw how safe I would feel if I had you by my side.
I saw how I was made of metal and you of magnet.
How my pieces would drag across the earth to rejoin whenever you held me close.

I even heard the first i love you how you whispered my name as my eyes read sonnets in yours.

I see many things.
Just not many that are real.

slender fingers
point animatedly
at a pale face.
"you,"
he says,
"you are beautiful."

electricity pulsed
throughout me,
and a beautiful memory
was etched forever.

You smile and I feel that thrill
And then I feel sick.
I can’t like you, I can’t give in,
Because you don’t like me back.

Is it the attention I find flattering?
Is that why I’m drawn so far in?
Or is it the curls in your hair?
And the silly way you animatedly talk about nothing.

It hurts because you love her
And because she loves you back

But when you smile I feel that thrill,
The idea of what might be fills my head
and hours are spent on futile dreams and
senseless dread

(just in time for end of summer reading...
recounting emotionally disastrous campy turbulence)
intended food for thought indulgence.

A boys' life aborted
miscarried golden opportunity
for adolescent romance to be courted.

Amidst a raft of fellow (Brandywine Valley
Y.M.C.A) resident campers
seething with hormonal secretion to canoodle
who, didst excitedly quiver
donning a "NON FAKE" lifejacket
coursing down swiftly
moving Youghiogheny river
(evidenced by small hairs along spine),
that caused me animatedly to shiver
snuffing out potential fortitude
gained late in mein kampf,
whereat yours truly a creaky giver
even scores of years later deliver
to sender nowhere to be found.

This predisposition prevailed despite
punishing revenge didst stamp excite
me inducing suppressed
giddiness to take flight
against self toward parents,
whose puny singular offspring
smallish in stature of height
who did light,
a conspiratorial idea
countered meek self spite
compared to their hefty might
forced me to attend ("dumb")
sleep away camp
for about a fortnight

whereupon, being dropped off "bright"
brainchild idea awoke around edge
of night bordering my consciousness,
where figurative dark shadows
courtesy Molly Hatchet cleft a wedge
vis a vis, an immediate
avowed personal pledge
sworn against experiencing even
one iota of fun (a ha...so there) ledge
er domain mental prestidigitation
could not dredge

countervailing loathsomeness naysaying fun
in any weigh, shape or form
pertaining to this sole son
but, matter of fact
adventuresome giddiness gave run
for metaphorical psychological money,
and much to my chagrin
gleefulness didst stun

into silence malevolent
anti yippee surge
crept into the noggin of this
chaim yankel and could not purge
this meta static Grinch,
who could not steal away
euphoria that inevitably didst emerge
unable to root out,

and suppress nemesis
flitting hither and yon to and fro
fomenting misery, but an inescapable glow
manifested when father
and mother end of Jeff session
came back, and said "hello"
when, and I immediately
replied with emphatic "NO"
in regard to having a good time oh
mitt ting like a lump pin pro

let tarry yet exerting will
power to asphyxiate
a faint bubbling of attraction
toward a darker skinned
slender cute teen age girl
though at that stage
oblivious how to create
friendship, thus aye
vividly recall to this date
hopscotched potential summer romance
which induces regret to emanate
cursing forsaken ill fate
now, feel deplorable
for stifling relationship
slid into behavioral sink (of this got
ham) fore'r tortured
within iron barred heaven's gate.