With every breath my heart hurts
i'm the queen of disappointment.
people build me to bring me down
only to be disappointed again.

I let people into my heart,
one that feels love for another.
When they walk away the hurt is numb
and i'm left cold and empty in pain.

they say its not you its me,
that's always what they say.
paranoia builds more each lie,
but what's wrong with me anyway?

Nobody stays to tell me.

sadness
looks different
on everyone

when my best friend is sad
she drives to a cafe
to get coffee alone
she says,
"when people see me all alone
they see me just like how i see myself"

when my mother is sad
she yells at me for having a ***** room
even though there's only a shirt on my floor
she has a glass of red wine
and asks my sister why she was out so late
even though it's only 9

when my brother is sad
he says,
"get out of my room, i'm busy'
but in reality
he's playing video games
with the volume up to high
to drown out the thoughts in his head

i realized all pain and sadness look different
because when i'm sad
i don't really want to speak
or do anything at all

It's empty,
But you appeared and I felt my heart beat fast and slowly at the same time.
When was the last time I felt it?
It was with you years ago.
Then,
You told me you're with someone
Well
It's empty.
Again.

What's gone has made me what I am
So I shall not fear what's ahead
But put trust in what will be, will be
And choose to live instead

I refuse to live in the now, worrying
What may or may not be
But take this moment in time
And live it totally

There's no time like the present
To breathe deep and feel alive
Living in the here and now
In each moment as I rise and thrive

Now is all there ever is
It's the only time that's real
So as the future takes its course
I’ll leave the past to heal

"There are two types of people in the world," he laughed after a heavy swig. I laughed and anticipated a mindless reply.
"Those who are pens, and those who are pencils".
An eye-roll dismissed the statement but a curious brow stayed in place.
"All I'm saying is that some folks have a certainty about them. Everything glides off their tongue like cursive dipped in black ink".
I thought of where I might fall on the spectrum.

he and i met up at my place
and chilled and talked for a bit.
i began to feel warmth as i listened to his voice,
then looked at his smile,
his eyes,
his dimple on his cheek.
i gave him his gift:
a t-shirt from his favorite band and album.
he said thank you as he continued smiling,
and it made me feel warmer than i was before.

moments later,
we walked to the green line.
i was going to take him to
one of my favorite coffee shops in the west loop.
he told me that we would probably be late to get in.
the coffee shop closes at 5 while
we got on the train at around 3:40.
i told him that we were gonna make it.
i was surprised i would be the optimistic one
since i was a huge load of a pessimist from the past week.
luckily, we got to the coffeeshop an hour before it closed.
he ordered a cappuccino,
i ordered myself a hot chocolate.
we then grabbed our drinks and found a table
in a faraway corner near the restrooms
and began our conversation from there.
it was a nice one and i still felt the same amount of warmth
as i looked and listened to him.
i knew that he had a girlfriend
and that i shouldn't keep my hopes up,
but ****, is he a gem.
i just couldn't help myself.
i was also kind of surprised how we kept looking at each other
in the eyes for long periods of time.
don't know if that's a sign or anything, but, it would be frequent.

an hour later, we decided to head out to my place again.
i took some pictures of him outside the coffeeshop
with my 35mm camera and laughed when i
saw a customer almost photobombing my photo
through the window.
minutes passed and we were already back at the green line,
waiting for the train to arrive.
the sunset was so amazing,
but seeing the view of him made it better.

we made it back to my place
and relaxed for a bit once again.
he remembered that he saw a bass guitar
leaning against the wall and asked
if he can play it.
it wasn't mine but i asked one of my roommates
if he can play it and he said as long as he knows
how to set it up.
he, of course, knew since he plays bass himself.

i heard the notes he played and i began to feel mesmerized
with every note that he played.
although his rhythm was a bit off since he
wasn't used to my roommate's bass,
he was still pretty good.
the low frequencies coming from the bass amplifier
softly vibrated my ears as i was hypnotized by
his fingers moving as he presses on each fret.
i guess the vibrations made me feel a bit warm, too.

the day finally ends as i was about to walk him out of my dorm.
when we got to the front door and before he left,
he said thanks again for the gift.
and then he hugged me.
he hugged me.
i finally felt his warmth for a second or two.
it was a friendly hug, but, it still felt nice.

i remember him saying it would be cool if he can hang
every other weekend when i'm free.
i'm gonna keep that promise for sure.

you will never be forgotten.
ever.
your name twisted into metaphors and colors and distractions will forever
be painted across pages and pages of her favorite brand of notebook,
no matter how many she burns
there will always be one she forgot,
and she will only find it once she had almost forgotten you.
she will find the one Papyrus notebook
and all of your metaphors and colors and disractions will come flooding back,
just like how the ocean in your eyes
flooded her heart all those years ago.