I’ve loved you in ways that I have never been loved
I loved you for reasons that you will never know
I’ve loved you for longer than you’ve known and for far longer than you’ve deserved
It’s my fault for loving you too much
I knew you weren’t capable of accepting what I had to give
But you didn’t have to make me feel stupid
I can’t count the times you’ve brought tears to my eyes or have made me cry
You’ve hurt my feelings so many times and I just want to know why
If I could go back in time I’d try to be perfect for you just so you didn't make me feel so stupid
I gave you so many chances to change and you just made me look stupid
And now I have tears in my eyes and you’ve made me cry
I don't know why you had to make me look so stupid

I think back to when it happened,
to that beautiful day that suddenly became so dark
The day when it all happened,
the day he destroyed who I was
Leaving me shattered.

I fought. I cried.
But it didn't matter how loud I was.
Nobody came to help me.

I still wake up crying,
Freeze when I see him,
And I’m still scared,
every **** day.

I still think I see him,
even while I'm safe at home.
I close my eyes and tell myself it’s going to be ok
But I can't help but feel him.

A year later I still feel him.
His grip on my wrists, the smell of alcohol on his breath,
The weight of his body pressed against me as I tried to get away

He just continued,as I cried.
It didn't matter how loud I screamed,
Nobody came to help me.

i don't know if i want to kiss your lips or just your skin
I just know i'm falling
but I’m afraid I’ll hit the ground hard. And I don't want to.
Can your arms hold the weight of my love? Or do they just want to hold my naked body?
Are you sure it's the best idea to just see where things go?
You make me think love isn’t a real thing
sometimes it seems beautiful
    fictional
        toxic
             deadly…
You still kiss me like i'm what you want
but i know it's just a game to you
Please don't be surprised if one day i refuse to participate.
you're patronizing
                inconsiderate
                     cold  
                 debilitating
                
but somehow you still find the words and continue dragging me along.

i'm not sure if you're really toxic….
or it's just all in my head.
because i love you
I think I love you?
Or maybe, i only love you when you're in my bed.
I still haven’t decided

In kindergarten I came to school in my lady bug dress with nobody to impress.  Not a care in the world. The only thing on my mind was “How many friends will I make today.”

Middle school ******, but doesn't it always? Struggling to fit it, literally. Shedding pounds like you wouldn't believe. You see, I found it very hard to finish my meals. “Wow, you look thin,” they'd say. I wasn't living a fantasy, I was living in hell.

Middle school finally ended and high school began.

Freshman year was the time of my life; a great friend group, people I could count on. My eyes open wide ready for anything. A glimpse of the real world. Freshman year I was invited to parties and offered drugs, little did I know that these two things would soon consume my closest friends lives. Freshman year lead to recurring pointless drama that would haunt us for the rest of our high school careers.

Sophomore year I lost my best friend. I lost my best friend because of a boy we thought we liked. I watched her go from a everyday student to a twice a week student, to a new guy every week, type of girl. Sophomore year I had a great boyfriend, kind, understanding and jealous. So jealous that he never left my side. From winter ball to prom he pushed and pushed. I never gave in and then he left. Sophomore year I said goodbye to my favorite Chilean and cried as he boarded the plane. Sophomore year I was told I wasn't pretty enough to ever be loved. Sophomore year I changed.

Junior year I began to try things new. Things to find a new me, things to make me feel free. Junior year I watched my best friend who's miles away nearly lose his life. Struggling to recover, he spiraled down hill. Depression, anxiety, and hopelessness led to the destruction of a great life. Junior year I decided to leave.

My senior year has a lot in store. Places unknown and a new beginning. My senior year puts me above and beyond, above my peers and much more mature. The drinking, drugs, and meaningless ***, I will be above that my senior year.

I’ve heard people say it before
Just go with the flow
Just say no
My voice feels so small
But deep down I know I need to be heard
Yes, I am traumatized
I have a hard time saying no
But that does not mean I am all yeses
I have other cues waiting for you
My silence begs you to stop
When I freeze I just pray you won’t hurt me like he did
When I move your hand I wish you would embrace me in a hug
Instead of touching me where it hurts the most
If I change the subject I just want you to know I’m not ok
When I can’t stop talking I want to distract you
If you were good for me you’d notice I’m trying to say no
Im trying so hard but I am afraid
Why can’t you see that I am so scared to say no?

I just want you, to want me,
All of me.
I want to tell you everything,
Even the bad stuff...
But I'm afraid you'll run away,
Or worse.
Just want to be friends.
I want someone like you by my side,
holding my hand,
Telling me it's going to be ok,
I want you to be strong when I’m not,
Help me hold my head high.
I want to call you, hear your voice, hear my name roll off your lips.
I don't want to scare you away.
I don't know how to do this...
I’m trying too hard.
Please help me get this right.
Im afraid you’ll decide you only want a part of me,
Because the whole me is too much to handle.
I don't want to be alone,
I feel like we are so close to having this.
You don’t understand,
I can’t find the right words to say it.
Why can’t I find the words?
Can you understand without the words?
I can feel you pulling away,
I know why, but at the same time I don’t.
I don't know what I did,
But I did so many thing wrong.
You’re unsure.
I want you to come back,
I want you, to want me.
I want you to want this.

I made it clear
I wasn’t looking for anything besides your friendship.
I confided in you and told you my deepest fears and insecurities.
I was vulnerable,weak, and intoxicated
You used this to your advantage
As I stumbled, pushing you way, I tried to say no. Please stop.
You continued running your hands along my body ******* me like it was a game
As I stumbled, pushing you away, I tried to say no. Please stop.
Your grip tightened on me to the point that I have a physical reminder of what you did
As I stumbled, pushing you away, I tried to say no. Please stop.
You saw me only as an object. Something for your pleasure
I stopped stumbling and stopped pushing you away. My no turned into tears as I realized you weren’t who you said you were.
I’m scared to see you again because I know we both think differently about that night.
You were sober. I was not. You said yes. I said no.
You had the choice to walk away and you didn’t

I want to be confident but I dont know how.
Men have never told me I was beautiful.
They’ve never shown me I’m worth while just being me
I've always struggled with my self image. Constantly gaining and losing 20 pounds
I thought I had finally found a boy who genuinely thought I was beautiful
But boy was I WRONG! 

At 120 pounds my boyfriend called me fat when I was on top during ***
I rolled over and cried feeling so insecure
He just continued to **** me. Telling me I looked like a cow
He continued to degraded me whenever we had ***
This continued for weeks.
At 120 pound the same boy chose to slap me across the face so hard I fell to my knees.
Apparently telling him I had been ***** last week was somehow my fault.
To him I was now fat and disgusting
I started to believe him so I just let him beat me down.
At 110 pounds I was still too fat and he said I was disgusting to look at
He told everyone I was a ***** and broke up with me.
Now I can’t let a man see me naked without wanting to cry
I can’t look at myself in the mirror without hearing his words
And I sure as hell don't have enough confidence to stand up for myself

I wish I felt this good sober...
I wake up every morning feeling like the weight of the world is sitting on my chest.
I have a heavy heart, filled with regret and a heavy head constantly filled with what ifs and self doubt.
I roll over to text you back but see no reply.
I can't bring myself get out of bed again.
I sit up and put my head between my knees and just breathe.
I sit there and regret all the the stupid things I said and did the night before.
Wondering when things started to get this bad.
I'm starting to shut everyone out again.
I haven't been sober in awhile.
I can’t tell if the drugs make me happy or sad.
I just know they make me feel numb.
And I know the drugs, they make me overeat.
Which makes me feel like **** because I already hate my body.
I don’t know why I continue to do this.
Why i continue to act like I’m not hurt.
I try to drown it out and mask the feelings
In liquor, THC, and with men who see me as nothing.
I am so lost
I don't know who I am
I don’t want you to hurt me again
I’m so tired of being me

i try to make it look like i'm okay
but I’d be lying if I said that I was
and no one sees through the smile
No one  sees that i'm crying
i keep pretending that things are ok
Walking around with lonely feeling
i can't keep walking this line
Sooner or later I’m going to fall
And no one is going to catch me

You walked back  into  my  life
for the What seemed like the tenth time just like you had never left
Like a part of you had always lived in me
I thought my heart your home.

Here  I  am. . .
Now knowing  
Love didn't really exist,
and now when I look at  you
Pain is all I see
when I look  at  you
I no longer see the love

And in the middle
of all this chaos
there you are
Still finding ways back in after I tried so hard to shut you out
There you are still the subject of everything I write

I'm so scared you'll find someone else
That you’ll hook up with someone else
Honestly, I don’t even want you to kiss someone else. To touch someone else.

I want to be your only one
The only one on your lips
The only one your body longing for.

And I really hope you know
You’re my only too

i miss the sound of your voice,
the ways words rolled off your tongue as you spoke,
the love that was felt in every silent moment

i miss you in the way  
that i don’t feel whole,
It feels like we’re just part this poem
A bunch of random words ready for
eyes who are eager to read it.

i do not feel we are strong .
i loved too softly and a little too deeply.

I was content with the subtle touches of your hand
Now I just miss any touch at all

i miss you...

so much that there is a hole the size of you  inside me.

i wish you knew...

maybe you do?

maybe i don't cross your
mind as often as you cross mine.

even if I don’t, my love for you still continues

in the darkest parts of my soul,
Reminders of you light me up

Our memories. The feeling of young love.
gentle, pushing gently against my walls that have quickly been put back up

i miss you. a bit too often, and a bit too much.

I’ll say all the right things
But at the end of the day
We both know you’ll still always have one foot out the door
While Im standing here like a fool waiting for you. Wanting you to commit to something that you never will

I love you.
That is the first thing I think of when I think of you. Love.
i love it when you kiss me,
your lips are so gentle and soft,
no one has kissed my like that before.
you haven’t said you love me,
But all I feel is love,
your touch,
Its gentle. it’s one I never want to lose

your eyes,
beautiful, blue, and gentle
i never want to look away.
the way you look at me, it melts me.
It feels like we can communicate
without words but
You are you and i am me.
We are a mess and probably never meant to be.

you are kind.
i cant get you out of my head.

But I know you’re going to brake my heart.
I will miss the way you kissed me
My heart will break
your eyes will no longer seem so gentle and things between us will fall silent.
I can't believe i actually let you in.
I gave you the things that were important.
I thought my heart was important.
But its just a heart..
nothing too special I guess

I said “I love you”
“sorry, I don’t” you say
My smile slowly faded
“You’re prettier when you’re quiet” you say
don’t worry, I still love you
no matter how many parts of me you shatter,
i’ll still keep waiting for you
maybe I'm am fool but it's because I love you

i’m just waiting for you to love me back

You make me feel selfish
selfish for talking to you
for asking for your company
i know you want nothing to do with you

I crave your attention
I want you to hear me
I want you to listen when I tell you my fears, problems, and pain
I am trying to help you understand my messed up brain

Im selfish because I don’t want you to have another “girl”
Because all i want is to be heard. To tell you what I need. Tell you how I feel. How you hurt me. How you make me so incredibly frustrating but happy at the same time.
I want you to hear m

We have come too far to just give up,
It’s not too late to get back together,
At least I don’t think it is.

Been years since we broke-up,
Part of me to let you go, but part of me still held on
My feelings for you have never been more real,
Same feelings as before ,same me
but I don’t think you’re the same you,
We have come too far?
Is it time to let this be?

You’ve had new girlfriends. Ones who have probably treated you better than I ever can.
But I am still here. alone.
Not because I have no options, because I always want to come back to you.
No one makes me feel the way you do.

I know I’ve made way too many mistakes.
Deep down I am still waiting for you,
We have a connection.
When I miss you
But maybe I’m too late

I’m probably too late.
I have tried
I sure have cried enough,
It's time to let you go.
I need accepting that you aren’t coming back. You never wanted to come back.

YOU hurt me in ways no one else ever has,
cutting me to the core.
YOU beat me up without even lifting a hand,
reminder me exactly where I stood. Exactly how you felt.
You ****** with me and got my hopes up.
Was this all just a ******* joke?
Was it funny to **** on me? To make me feel like I was never good enough?
You  just wanted play games
You act like I’m worthless ****
I'm know I can’t compare to others
I just don't compare. I’m flawed. I’m a mess and we have a lot of mess.
But you still treat me like I'm not good enough for you. And maybe I’m not. But I am good enough just as I am.
You tear me down but I keep coming back.
Part of me wished you’d stop.
But I know this is how we are. And sometimes I love it.
Holding back tear on every harsh word you say....
I am too afraid to ever stop you,
I'd rather feel like ****
Than not hear from you at all.

it’s been 4 months. I’m still not able to go out alone. I freeze every time someone tries to touch me and I cry if I even get close to having *** with someone. In the past 4 months I have fallen back into the habit of drinking to black out and drinking to forget. I am using more drugs than before. I want to feel numb. I can’t be here sober because you creep back into my mind. I’m afraid to be alone, afraid to be with those I love, and even more afraid to let myself open up to those who I want to love. There are still days when I cannot get out of bed. The shame and guilt that I feel is too much. There will be a day when I get up and what you did will no longer weigh so heavy on my mind. Today may not have been that day but that day will come.

My body no longer feels like my own
It’s covered with remembers of you
Bruises on my hips
Gouges and scrapes across my *******
Marks along my neck
You make me want to hide
I’m afraid to show my body, to even look at myself in the mirror
I’m ashamed of what you’ve turned my body into
I can’t close my eyes without feeling your hands touch me where they shouldn’t
I feel ***** and empty
I walk around holding back the tears
I’m not fine, I’m not ok.
You are destroying me

Tell me you miss our times together.  
That you miss me with your whole body.  
I want you to know how it feels to have your whole body want me the way that I want you.
To have your hands constantly reaching out, begging to hold me.
Lay down with me, lay me up, and lay me out.
Hold me down while I’m breathing heavy.
While me legs are shaking, pushing me to the limit.
Show me what I’ve been missing.
Remind me that I never want to leave.
That you’re the only one  I’ll ever need.
Let me be your honey dip
And show me what it means to let someone find the sweetness within me