Breathe. Accept.  You are not the wrinkles in bedsheets or faded stars you dipped dreams within. You are this face, long and crookedly smiling, accompanied by dark eyes with brows that feel the painful weight of time stitching together aches felt in others.  Your hair threads into strands braided with midnight and a heart  straying toward forgiveness.  Peer through the shadows, the unlined eyes, these pale lips.  There’s faith in those contours, desire behind your hips.

*******

for preying on my naïveté
and the innocence
that I hadn't lost yet

and destroying my trust
when I idolized you
like a ******* god

and taking my heart
knowing **** well that
you planned to break it.




but also,
thank you

for showing me how to
spot those red flags

and teaching me
the lessons that I would
eventually need to learn
with or without you

and proving to me that
I deserve so much better.

everything used to be so fine
amazing, memorable, and lovely
when everything mattered
when i mattered, only me, to you

through those times we were laughing
i was there, fixing problems with you
the universe turned upside down
i found you craving for something
something or someone?

how could that be troubled by the past
why am i not enough
why not me
when i was always around every day

You always ask me
what I'm thinking of
and I must admit
if you knew my
true thoughts
you will never see
me the same again.

Constantly I am
thinking about
how I could
possibly feel
beautiful at night
when I eat anything
during the day.

I can't tell you this
because you might
worry for me.
You would say
I am beautiful always.

While this helps
it feels as though
you are putting
a band-aid on
a cavernous wound.
One that was small
many years ago,
but recently was infected,
left untreated and
ignored because of
how ugly it is to me.
I am embarrassed
that I love you more
then I love myself.

So I won't reveal
what I'm truly thinking
to you ever.
Instead I smile,
blush even,
and say I cannot
stop thinking of you.

Your soul is worth saving
Your heart is worth shaping
Your legacy's changing
You're not worth erasing

I promise.
Whatever you may have done
No matter the person you think you've become
You're someone, worth waiting for, your story has only begun

fall in love with yourself
the way that you want
to be loved.

stop letting strangers take
refuge in your body.

you are not a
momentary place.

you were not built to be
someone’s hideaway
or vacation house.

you were not designed
to handle people
walking in and out
of your life.

your body is tired
of hurting.

tell these short-term
visitors to leave.

the scratches and
scuff marks left by
their careless actions
do not define you.

you expect abandonment.
permanence feels foreign.
someone staying feels
unnatural to you.

but please remember that
you deserve to be
so much more than a
resting spot for someone
to briefly stop at, and
continue on their way.

despite what you may
believe about yourself,
you are not temporary.

please, be kind to yourself.

as you travel through life,
remember that it doesn’t matter
whether you believe it or not.
you are worth it.
and not believing that doesn’t
make it any less true.

please, stop searching
for another guest.

find someone who
feels less like a tourist,
and more like a home.

You might say "You're so young, you have so much life ahead of you! so much to live for!"
But what's really the point of that life?
Is there really as much as we think?
Is it really worth it?
Sometimes it doesn't feel like it is
Sometimes everything hurts so much
That I'd rather
Give up.
Today is not a good day
Today I feel like a mess
Today life doesn't seem worth it.
Has life ever been worth it?
Has anything ever been worth it?