Even though ten years feels like a lifetime, I feel as though I can reach back and remember the way my heart skipped beats for you. I feel as though I am still jumping out of my chair and onto my bed because I was scared to tell you the way I felt but I just pressed the send button and Lord knows I can't be around my phone when I send risky texts. It's as if I can reach into the very back of my mind and remember a time that we were happy...
And over the years we spent together, through the good and the bad, I will always remember the things you taught me. I'm not sure where it went wrong, though I'm sure your opinion differs. I'm not one to be boastful or pretend I'm better than anyone else, but that's where you'd tell me I'm wrong.
I'll get this out of the way now, I'm sorry I cheated on you and honestly, yes, I regret it. Should I have? No. Did I? Yeah, I did. It was not grown up of me and being scared to tell you isn't an excuse. I understand your grudge.
I will admit, that person and the one after were a way to fill some sad void. I think the first was more a release and the second more a "I'm free" kind of thing. No, it wasn't serious even if in the moment I thought they were. I'm trying to "man up" and let you know, not so you can say you told me so, but so you understand.
Let's, as two conscious adults, run through some points in our lives together. First, let me start off by saying I know I ****** up. I understand sometimes I would blow up out of anger, I would give you attitude, I was annoyed, I was annoying, I was emotional. There were times I gave to you things you did not deserve... and I've addressed these things many times and I can only say "sorry" so much before it dissolves so meaninglessly off of my tongue.
This is not a game of "well, I did this BUT you did this to me." It never has been. This is a reminder that you tore me down, you broke me, you held things inside of me hostage.
My family and I combined gave you thousands of dollars. $10 here, $50 there, $100 somewhere else... those things add up. We made sure you went to school, both high school and college. We made sure you had heat, a place to shower, warm food, a place to sleep. We did as much as we could, depending on the circumstances. We made sure your birthdays weren't dull. We made sure when your not-so-there parents would show up again, to remind you it wasn't worth the anger. We made sure to pick you up when you would fall and it wasn't out of pity or the "opportunity to fix someone less fortunate." It was genuine, we all wanted the best for you because we saw the best IN you.
And wherever things turned south, let me remind you the times I had to plead to workout because I was ashamed of my body. Let me remind you of the times I went out on a limb and spent more money than I needed to "because I had a steady job," while you sat on every penny you had. Let me remind you of all the times I warned you that I was exhausted, but would instead be screamed at because you wanted to go on a walk at 10 p.m. Let me remind you of all the times I sat in front a mirror crying and you would only get more frustrated. Let me remind you of the countless times you would throw me under the bus to make yourself look better. Let me remind you of the the emotional ******* you put me through and I would still apologize for. Let's talk about all the double standards. Let me remind you that no matter how mad you made me, I never made it the public's problem.
Let me remind you that even though you had "put" me through so much, I still wouldn't leave because I was afraid to lose my best friend.
As I said before, being scared isn't and never will be an excuse... but I was afraid and even though you did so much for me, the bad just started to outweigh the good.
And now, almost a year later, you and I have both moved onto to new people. I want to start by saying if your happy, then me too. I only want what is best for you and that isn't me. (No, not because I cheated on you, boo hoo) I'm not the best because we don't click like that and we tried and it didn't work.
How many times, a year later, can you tweet a different variation of, "imagine clinging onto someone because you don't want to be alone?"
How many times, a year later, after you've unfollowed me... can you check my twitter to only be so mad about me finally being happy? How many times can you convince yourself that I only want to be with people who "give me attention?" Yeah, that's nice, from my boyfriend. For a very long time, though you wouldn't be aware because you weren't there, he didn't give me the time of day. I wouldn't say I am with him because he's the one giving me the most attention. I would say you are clinging onto hope that I don't need him because for whatever reason, you'd rather see me miserable.
I know the two before were stupid. I admit that with my whole heart and I used my head to think about why, and I gave you those reasons somewhere in the mix of words up there.
But YOU were not my happiness. No one is. I still struggle and you know that. I, frankly, am just sick of you undermining me because you thought you gave me the world when instead you made mine crumble.
Keep my name out of your mouth for the love of God. As much as I want to be the bigger person, sometimes it takes a lot to not text you about the things you say about me on the internet. I carry on. You should too.
i'm not too sure where to post this, so i chose here. I just need to get this stuff off my chest, we will never ave a civil discussion because you can do no wrong.
