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Lucid Jul 2
no one likes to think they're selfish. i've denied my selfishness for years, because being selfish would mean that all those people were on to something when they said "you remind me so much of your mom." my dad is going to die soon. my teenaged brother won't live to see 30. yet, all i can think about is how the hell I'M supposed to wake up tomorrow, knowing this.

i've come to greet bad news like an old friend. instead of crying about it, i immediately head towards the liquor cabinet.

i went to my friends baby shower the other day. she looked happy, so i tried my best to be happy for her. everyone made comments about how they couldn't wait to have their own kid and blah blah blah. but as i sat in her living room, surrounded by the hopeful, happy faces of the girls i grew up with, i realized that i will never ever be like them. i realized that i wish i could be.

the most selfish thing a parent can do to their child is bring them into a world like this.

i think being wise means being able to see things for what they are and see people for who they are, and i can't help but figure that's why the smartest people are the most depressed.

my favorite teacher from high school just died. of all the students she ever taught, she once claimed she liked me the most. i didn't go to her funeral. in fact, when i found out, i felt absolutely nothing at all.

i recently earned my degree. after 5 years full of (literally) blood, sweat, and tears, I finally earned my degree. but as i sat in my chair, waiting for my name to be called so i could cross the stage and shake hands with the dean, i felt so ******* disappointed in myself. even my therapist can't explain that one.

2/3 of the people i love most in this world most likely won't be here in 10 years. i want to go to sleep.

sometimes i feel so ******* trapped that it becomes hard to breathe. then i remind myself, "you're doing everything they said you're supposed to be doing", but all it does is make me hyperventilate harder.

i can't tell my mom i love her without wanting to die.

it's cliche, i know, but i've come to truly realize that all you have in this tragic world is yourself. the only person you have to live with is you. so if you hate yourself...well i guess your **** out of ******* luck. ha
everything is tragic, it all just falls apart
  Feb 8 Lucid
Allison Wonder
That's what I am.
That's the brand.
That's all I want.
That's what you haunt.
That's what I try.
That's where I die.
Allison Wonder 2019

I came to the realization, through my Intensive Outpatient Program, alcohol really does have control over my life.
Lucid Feb 8
when you're driving
do you ever wonder about the layers
between you and that tree?
Lucid Sep 2018
everyone has that place their mind wanders to whenever boredom strikes, or whenever they become "zoned out"
my mind always imagines a ballerina in black, doing pirouette turns over and over again
it's especially vivid whenever i'm listening to music
over and over, round and round
i only realized this today, & it made me wonder why my mind always drifted there
i thought about it until i realized
how fitting
my conscious mind is always turning in circles
so of course my subconscious mind would, too

his hands on my body
the reeking smell of alcohol and coercion
my mother's lies
my brother's handshake with the grim reaper
the realization
the humiliation
the first time i told her i hated her
the sting of her palm against my face
my father's alcohol problem
i can't escape alcohol
my alcohol problem
the feel of the blade against my skin
the sterile smell of the crisis unit
everyone's willingness to condemn & forget

i don't forget

my body
his breath
her lies
the sting
the alcohol
the blood
the sterility
the pain
the pain
the pain

over and over, round and round
turning constant circles in my head
i fall down
With You - stwo
  Mar 2018 Lucid
No one can know your pain
Not nearly as well as yourself
But the rope won't take it away
It just gives it to someone else
Lucid Mar 2018
my therapist told me to write more. problem is, i can't write in my journal at this very moment because that may tip him off that i'm up to no good. ever since he's been living here with me, i haven't had the alone time i need in order to purge my feelings. so i keep them inside glass jars in my head, but my inventory is overflowing.

he once told me that he thought i was "one of those people who will never be happy". i wanted to be offended, but instead i shut down. that was months ago, and i still haven't fully woken up yet.

i've come to realize that i can't recall the times when i'm feeling better than "not okay." my therapist tells me that's one of my biggest obstacles. she tells me i need to learn how to recognize positive emotions, as if i didn't already ******* know that. sometimes i feel like therapy is simply flushing money down the toilet.

i haven't had any episodes recently. the ssri's keep my emotions from occurring at all. i've learned to accept that my baseline attitude is "blah". though i can't say that whenever they ask how i'm doing. no sir. maybe if i can convince them that i'm doing better, i can convince myself??

there aren't any decent movies that address mental illness. hollywood is just now starting to address the topics of race, sexuality, and feminism. but you'd think with 16 million depressed people in america, those elitist ******* could come up with some way i can show my family what it's like to live without life. maybe then they'll be able to understand why they shouldn't keep asking if i'm okay.

i told him that i just wanted some alone time today and he said, "have you taken your pills?"

i keep having these dreams where i'm trying to say something, but it won't come out. i've literally woken my dog up several times during the night, because i've actually yelled out loud due to the struggle in my dreams.

i went hiking last week in the hopes that nature would bring me clarity. it didn't. in fact, i feel crazier than ever. i kept seeing myself lying in the clear freshwater as the current took me away. i'm not saying that to be poetic. i actually had hallucinations.

i think i may have a drinking problem
alicks - futile (feat. oneira)
  Nov 2017 Lucid
Tom Leveille
i don't watch home movies
hate them
reason being because
when i was young
i was looking for a movie
my mother
had recorded for me
and accidentally
put one in the vcr
that i'm not sure
i was supposed to see
i know the obvious response
"uh oh, ****"
sorry to disappoint
they were only marked with dates
on live television
montel williams asks my father
"how can you just throw
your child away like a piece of trash?"

i spend so much time
in the emergency room
that my parents stop
penciling in growth marks
on the frame
of my bedroom door
i always thought
it was because they believed
i would never grow out
of this sickness
sometimes i believe
the reason that they
never bought me a dream catcher
was because they never thought
i'd live long enough
to see them come true
i am eliminated
from a spelling bee
because i didn't know
the 'dad' is silent in 'family'
before i got into poetry
i used to do standup
none of my jokes were funny
one of the other comics
tells me my skits are dry
sometimes sad
he says "why don't you joke
about something like your family?"

so i say
"i never wore any sunblock
because i didn't want anything
to keep me from my father"

i say "what do you call christmas
without lights or heat?"

before he has a chance
to answer
i say "1997. better yet
why don't you
make like a dad and

every time we drive
past the hospital
my mother reminds me
how much it cost to save my life
like she'd rather
have her money back
she doesn't have to say
that sometimes she wishes
it was me who had died
instead of my brother
i can hear it in the way
she says "love you"
sometimes i imagine
that if i were to die
that she
would pick out a casket for a child
because she never loved
the person i became
yesterday i told my father
how close i'd been
to suicide lately
and he said
"that's my boy,
livin on the edge.."

and i can't remember
if i laughed
or cried
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