I am my //thoughts at 3 am // broken and shattered // within the silence // my mouth is shut // there is nothing to indulge // not even the air particles // It hurts so much // to feel // to sense // to even be human // to be me // actually.

I just want to // go home // but // I don't know // if it even ever // existed // I just want to get away from people // I hate // the temporariness // it 's wrapped around my neck // like a string // more like a rope // for // every tear that falls // from my eyes // my neck // my chest //my heart // my feelings  // burned relentlessly.

I want // to drive // I want // to breathe // I want to go // on a road trip // to the furthest destination // to a beach // with the darkest sky // the lightest shade //  turquoise sea // the brightest stars // to fulfill the night // I want to lay // on the beach // pretend // the sand in my life // didn't bury me // I didn't suffocate // I wanted to lay // there for so long // that I would // forget I exist // similar to // the way // I ignore my feelings // for so long// just so that I forget // how to feel.

Sometimes // I wonder why // wouldn't the stars // just fall in my arms // the future // the unknown //
I'm afraid // of drowning // once those feelings // become // too heavy.

everything is labeled // life is // like a side effect // slowly // killing me// I want to // seize many moments // replay them // I want to forget // and forget // just forget //  I am human // that // I once existed // leave no trace behind // disappear into the atmosphere //

I want // impossibilities // to turn // into realities // those thoughts // the scene of them // it could make // everyone // flee // I love to make them wonder // how long those lived // wandering // in my head // how I became // a prisoner in my own mind  // with my own will // I cant // flee // from the human // I am destined to be // I can // never have enough // wanting so much.

Want to sleep but unable to rest.
Want to smile but don't have the energy.
Want to succeed but can't see my worth.
Want to shine but afraid of my own light.
Want to live a dream but can't make my dream real.
I wear my sadness on my dress, pain on my sleeves, depression in my mechanical heart.
I can't move
... Or can I?

I want someone to pull me in and figure me out.

Sometimes we all need
Someone to be there
Not to fix anything
Or to do anything
We just simply need them
To let us feel support
To show we are cared for
To show we are we are supported
Because I'm the end
We are needed.

I want you.

I want to know your favorite color and your middle name.
I want to know about the people you hate and how you found out you loved women.

How do you make your sandwiches?
What foods do you like and can’t pronounce?
What places do you want to see and what words do you know but can’t explain the definition?

Can we cuddle?  
And by cuddle I don’t just mean lay on you, because trust me, I can do that without cuddling. By cuddling I mean let me hold you till you forget your problems and I finally stop talking.

I want to call you baby. I want to sit in a room, with you, listening to jazz music.

I want to feel your pulse and you feel mine,
I want to hear your heartbeat dance to the rhythm of the same songs on the corny playlist on Spotify I made that remind me of you.

The Special Playlist,
(I call it)
The Makeout Playlist,
(you do).

I want to only be about to hear our synced hearts
and the slow songs
and the weight of the world leaving our shoulders
plopping onto the floor with your worries
and the jacket I took off of you when you first came in.

I want you to tease me
because I significantly failed as a former lesbian
because I’ve never watched Orange is the New Black
or The L Word
“You’re not Lesbian certified”
You’ll tell me.

I want to speak to you
In my limited German vocabulary
and watch gay movies
and let you tease me even more
when you find out I can’t sit through *** scenes
even the really gay ones,
and ****** isn’t my thing.
It’s okay though,
Your laugh is cute.

And I want to kiss you.
I want to kiss you like
we’re those ***** *** teenagers
from Romeo and Juliet,
(but with a better ending).
I want to kiss you like
there’s nobody else in the world
And there aren’t people who hate me for liking you
And your family won’t care if you love me because
****,
I want to kiss you.

Let me buy you flowers,
and want to take you on dates.

Let me take you to McDonald’s
and order off the dollar menu because
I believe in treating my girl right
(And I get an employee discount)

let me tell you why I churches make me nervous
and how I don’t believe in God and
why I don’t like birthday parties
And how I want to have my cake and eat it too
Even though I hate cake
And prefer cupcakes,
But nothing is better than cake if that’s you.

I want you to know why I played trumpet for three years then switched to baritone,
I want to know if you’ve ever done drugs and how it felt.
What are your morals and values?
What’s your utopia?

I want to send you goodnight texts and spend hours talking about nothing
And dance offbeat with you because
neither of us could have rhythm to save our lives.
I’ll let you scream fight me when I let you win in games I would destroy you at because you get that goofy smile when you think you’ve won.

Introduce me to your family and I’ll show you mine.
Let me see your baby photos and we can see foreign movies on Netflix.
Let’s go out for coffee and ask deep questions.


I don’t care, okay?
I just want you.