It took a little time to think this,
And a little more time to pen this,
It was hard finding the right words for you,
I still can recall what my brain went through,

Tough it was- so i thought,
Because it felt like a must,
That i have to take note of a day like this,
To express my love to you when my pen and paper kiss

So i imagined what you have borne for me,
Not just for a few hours but almost eternity,
Not just a note or a strain on your brain,
But the entirety of yourself in lose or gain,

A chill of shyness engulfs me,
Nothing too big released from me,
To a woman so fine so dear,
Who for me unconditionally cares,

If i sail across seas for you, that you will do even more,
If i walk on fire for you, greater pains for me you bore,
If i choose to bleed for you, that you have done,
If sacrifice was then a contest, you've already won,

Where would i have been if not for you,
You share a love so priceless and true,
You held me up when no one else could,
You have stood by me more than anyone would,

For all that i am today,
Your love for me this way,
And many more that i can not pay,
Mother, i love you now and everyday.

You scream such horrifying words that leave me speechless, in awe, not from the insults but simply for how beautiful your face looks.

Love that can fill us up make us whole and give us happiness.
Does not mean saying, "I love you." Do
Not mistake the feelings, of imitation love for true love.

Always remember. True love does not
Mean having money, anger, ***, alcohol, violence, power, approval from others.
Saying, "I love you." Does not always mean love is true.

I want the love in my heart to be always true.
Love true with
You means. Giving to you all of my heart and soul unconditionally.

Copyright © Ronald J Chapman All Rights Reserved.

i suffer from depression and its always been that way...
prozac work best but have side effects that i dont like...

I was always thin when i was younger up until my brother died..
When he died i gained like 30 lbs *** i was so upset and missed him terribly. I also didnt have any friends close by that i could REALLY talk to...(she lived 6 hours away and was going thru stuff with her new man so i didnt want to bother her.)

I so wanted someone to talk to about all my woes but couldnt afford it.
So i masked it with what i could afford and what ive always masked my pain with..

I was molested by my moms ex husband when i was like 4 - 8 yrs old.
I used to imagine myself floating on the ceiling and years later found out why when I read a book about children who are abused weither its physical, verbal, or ******. It said in the book that children who are abused will usually either put themselves into the wall or floating on the ceiling...when I read that I felt so realieved *** I always remembered myself doing this but i didnt understand why i remember doing that.... I thought I was crazy or nuts or had special powers.
It also said that kids who are abused in any of these areas are more likely to drop out of school, commit crime and or do drugs, or all of the above.

Because Ive been an addict and I dont know why.I have gotten into trouble before and i did drop out of school.

I wish I had'nt  done any of them, much less all 3!!

When I was younger I loved to listen to music. I still do. It was like my best friend *** it didnt let me down and wouldnt leave me.....it was always there whenever I needed it and there was a lways a song that could explain EXACTLY how I feel.  My brother had an obsession with it as well and he would like rock or pop his head to the beat.

When my brother died....I felt so lost and so alone...Because only a few people in my life have ever loved me for me.....i guess its unconditionally!!

One was my bro...the other is my son Todd... and the other is my best friend in the whole world and her name is Yvonne but I call her Bon Bon.

They have always accepted me for who I am and dont judge me at all...
They just say "thats the way she is you either like her or you dont".
Because I am very blunt, honest, i dont candy coat things...Alot of people dont like that.....but there are others that think its fine. Its just me.

But anyway....I had a boyfriend when he died that ripped him off before he died and I was so mad at him for doing that...It caused alot of term oil in my family over that. I used to go see my brother ever week and Id stay for at least one night if not both nights and id cook him food and do his laundry (he was kind of disable *** he had a rare case of gout and it made him most of the time wheel chair bound.)and just visit with him...we were really close and when the boyfriend did that it made it weird between us...
and I didnt go see him for the last year of his life...*** he was thinking i was in on it with the ex (but I swear on my life may god strike me dead i had nothing to do with it.) which when he was really sick and in the hospital I mmade the ex take me to see him.

Making a long story shorter...
I at least got to see him twice before he died. Once when he was able to still talk and the other time he was so medicated that he couldnt. But the last time we spoke the last thing he ever said to me was "I LOVE YOU!" and Im so grateful for that....

But I gained weight *** i was so sad that he was gone and still am....

Now my mom on Oct 1, 2014 ..
was given the news that she has paincriatic cancer. Its not cureable  and its the most deadly.
Learning this has made me so very very sad even more depressed *** now Im going to loose my mommy.

It is so sad to think your mom is going to die when shes only 67 yrs old. Shes never smoked or done drugs and has like 2 or 3 degrees in stuff. She was the first woman in the 80s to have top secuity clearence at Edwardas Air Force Base. She was involved in the space shuttle flights (i dont know what she did but she was in the control room doing something) and the SR71 and the Blackbird aka The B-1 bomber. Shes so smart and doesnt deserve this...

I dont do the death thing well at all and i am a depressed eatter. I have gained some more weight learning all of this now with her....

I have been told that Im an UglyPig and will be alone forever from this person (******* really) i used to see and hes on here and is very mean to me talking about my appearance and my devices that i use *** i know of nothing else....

Some of us havent had the best childhood that was happy and wonderful with my true parents..
Some of us have broken homes and had to see our mom get beat up by the ******* who molested me for years...
Some of us didnt feel like we were loved or that we mattered ....its as if we were a blockage for my moms fun.
I know my mom loved my brother and my sister but i dont think she loves me....i think she tries but she just cant or doesnt know how...

My point behind writting this it to tell the ******* that I WILL LOSE THE WEIGHT, AND I WILL STOP USING.....BUT I DONT NEED TO HEAR IT FROM YOU WHAT A FAT UGLY NON EDJUCATED BORE I AM....
I HAVE NEVER SAID WHAT I THINK OF YOU BECAUSE ITS NOT RIGHT AND ITS HURTFUL AND IM NOT GOING TO LOWER MYSELF LIKE YOU HAVE AND BE A **** (LIKE U SAY I AM) LIKE YOU ARE BEING.

I AM GOING TO GET THIN BUT IM GOING THRU THE HARDEST **** IVE HAD TO DEAL WITH IN MY LIFE AND IM DEPRESSED BUT I WILL GET HELP AND GET THIN AND CUTE AGAIN AND I HOPE AND PRAY I RUN INTO YOU......

*** YOUR NOT WORTH WASTING ANY MORE OF MY MIND ON.

EXCEPT FOR .........

grow the **** UP!!!!!

tell me again the words you said that night,
you still sound so sweet and right.
but you've changed a lot one day,
when i gave you my heart and you didn't stay.

i cried so many tears and died inside,
when i thought of you and i can't decide,
if i should let go or hold on once more,
because i can't endure the pain anymore.

those sleepless nights that you're in my head,
i hope i'll be in your dreams when you lay in bed.
and how i wish i was there,
to say to you that i still care.

and still, i will love you endlessly
until you love me  *unconditionally

When I was little I dreamt I was a stringless kite
flying freely in the sky, I was the out-of-control wild
type you could never manage to keep quiet.
But when I met you, things somewhat changed and
you brought me back on land and showed me that
what I needed wasn't exactly in the sky but rather
right beside you. I decided to give away my wings
for one taste of your witty tongue and dangerous
love. The only problem is that deep within me, and
even though I had legs that I wasn't exactly designed
to use, a hint of feeling out-of-place
would always disguise itself in the most subtle
ways you would always detect and hate, absolutely
hate about me.

The idea of dying so I am finally free was tempting,
I've got to admit it was the only thing left about
that long gone dreamy girl you managed to
change completely. And it's all confusing because
no matter how hard I try to get away, I always
find myself stuck inside my brain thinking
about the way your lips form when you say
you love me. And I bet you hate the way mine
do when I say I don't want you. But baby,
if it hadn't been for you, I would have
probably ceased to exist by now.

Maybe I simply wanted you to love me
with my flaws and pain and sorrow
and everything that's me.

And maybe you cannot do that because
no human can love unconditionally.


F.Z.N

I keep saying that maybe
there's a place for you and I;
a parallel world where we can
love each other unconditionally.

Somewhere safe,
somewhere you don't have to
question everything I do
and every word I tell you.

But the truth is I don't think
such world exists.
We had it here, yesterday
and we lost it.


F.Z.N

My destination has changed, to neverwhere.

Dear __,

I really miss....
The way that your green eye's sparkle still gives me chills
How your brown curls cover your head in a blanket of beauty
Yes I love you. I will never stop loving you.
I'm basically throwing myself out to the wolves by falling for you
I gave my heart to you unconditionally, irreversibly,
You see the truth is love, I can't get you out of my head
At night I see you with the eyes of my mind;
Your perfect white teeth smile,
How your dimples show when you're honestly happy,
I love how you wrinkle your forehead when you are thinking
And cross your ankles back and forth if you sit down for a long time.
I can still hear you speaking to me, how we used to message in the early morning, rolling over and seeing you're sparkling orbs in the darkness, wanting you so badly to be actually here