O tunnel of firs,
tied with rain,
were you watching too,
when my parapet
ate a hock of indigo
at seven, and, still hungry,
gobbled a dull star?
Were you watching
from cold roots,
little grove, when
something unfaithful
happened? A curling lip
received a sacrament
of apple cider vinegar
under clouds of hospital gauze.
O firs, you never tell me anything,
too proud by half in your
gowns of needles.  
That's alright - I'll lay until
the night slips over the line,
and imagine a kind of morning
where I have nothing to tell you either.

I want to know why.
I want to know how.
I want to know what's on your mind right now.
I want to know what you've seen.
I want to know your pain
So maybe someday I can relieve
Some of the pressure
That suffocates your brain.

"I'm too afraid to die but in too much pain to want to live.
So tell me, what do you do when you've given all you feel you have to give?
"Just live."

what must I do
what can I say
how should I approach you
what would be the outcome
for I desire you in my life
I want to you I want you
but I cant have you

Tell me you don't love me
Tell me that you're ashamed
Tell me the things I need
To make me walk away
Even if you want me
Even if I may
Don't take my hand
And beg me to stay
Because I will
Forever remain

I liked that night, we were flying
As the black cloaked your stars, you had your eyes closed
Sleep-deprived and half dead I thought of loving you
It seemed foolish

On the ground, it felt dizzy
like you spun me around
Friendly smiles were small
Everything was so dead I didn’t think of you

I don’t know the day where I thought of it as more
It wasn’t a day but a memory, a rememory
The buttons were pushed before I was ready

Anxiously I worked and worked and acted like your honey didn’t matter to me
It didn’t, I convince myself even now
But the moment came in capitals
You thought I was unattainable

The breaks were pressed by those closest
Of course they were, it’s what they’re there for
I waited and waited and waited and I got tiny answers

I got fragments, particles, portions
I never got it all
I still don’t have it all
Is this you
Is this my body?
Worse, is it my mind

Tell me now, if I ask too much
Tell me now, if communication won’t be our thing
Tell me now If we won’t be our own thing
But just tell me
Tell me anything
Because I need to be told

You see, I tried to tell him
about that night
"No" I say, "he didn't hurt me"
and no I didn't say no
but I said things like
"That's enough" and "I don't like that"
And yes at first I had wanted to
And no I wasn't so drunk I couldn't consent
But I turned my legs and offered something else
he didn't want that...
I faked it to make it stop because I didn't know what to else to say
I laughed about it with my friends because I was trying to get
another reaction.
I was trying to ask someone if it was ok...
I told my priest and he said I was asking for it
I told a pastor and she said "we all make mistakes"
I told him because I wanted to explain...why I didn't like that one thing...
I never told myself. Because I didn't want to hear what I had to say.
and that
that
is
the
problem