The music at the party is pumping.
All the teenagers are     jumping.
But I only hear  my  heart  thumping.
Alone   on the sofa and   slumping.
Stewing in   solitude,   a dumpling.
Starting to   disintegrate,   crumbling.
I feel a disturbance,   a rumbling.
I reach for my phone, I'm   fumbling,
For a text, a call,        something,
Anything to enhance   the    numbing.
I rise from my perch,  stumbling  .
I  collidewithsomepeople, they're grumbling.
Now I'm    falling  out  the  door,   tumbling.

People are laughing, tutting frowning.
They see me on the ground, but I'm
                                                             ­   drowning.

I got braces when I was 16
that year I never kissed anyone
but I made boys steal things from pricy bookstores
I measure time by my teeth
every year they get more crooked
the older I get they seem to shift back to old territory
old habits
old

now even smoking cigarettes feels boring
when I walk into bookstores
I leave sticky notes with advice I wish someone would have told me then

they did
but maybe if I had found it somewhere I was looking
I might have paid more attention
my retainer sits in a shelf collecting grime

The sun peaks through my
window, and hits
your face.
I feel the heat on my arm,
my leg and neck.
The pure, slumber of summer.

How can I be down when the
world feeds me such
beautiful scenes?
How can I leave when your
face lights up when you
hear my voice?

How could I be sad when I can
make it through all of the hail of spring,
to see the rays of
summer, the beautiful
repose of my birthday?

I can still smell the mixture of mud and water on the ground, the stench of **** in the air as we walked next to each other across the campsite whilst the sun glared down on us beneath clouds filled with rain. I can still feel the sound of the bass vibrating from the main stage whilst you and I were all over each other in my tiny two-man tent that could only really fit one. I can still taste the overpriced candy floss we shared with each other and how your smile made my insides melt quicker than the ice cream we ate whilst watching the fair rides flash by under the sunset sky. That weekend flashed by faster than those screaming as they spun around in the neon-clad waltzer. I still wish to relive those four days, the four days I learned what love truly felt like and the four days I saw nothing but kindness in your ocean coloured eyes. But maybe it was the drugs in the air, the whole idea of a summer in love whilst we danced drunk together to Mumford and Sons that made me see you as someone worth my time. I was under the illusion of summer romance and it almost cost me my life.

Our hearts are too loud to hear the music,
but we dance to our own beat.

I've been winding up the walls of the music hall,
watching the couples dance to La Vie En Rose,
the song is stuck on repeat and
to silence it I need to hear the end note,
but it never comes.

I weave my roots into the ground. They
kiss softly. Romance is making love to them,
And yet my love has not arrived,
crashed in the parking lot,
and she never comes.

I see then that I was never meant to love,
a lover like you,
my heart stutters when your machine beeps,
in case it prolongs longer than I want.
The day seems to be coming.

Our wedding song is on vinyl, unplayed
and dusty. I watch it spin as the couples leave,
their scents taking yours with them,
I am alone again.

You left,
just when I thought the stars had come out for
us.

As we talk the tip of his tongue touches the roof of his mouth.
He keeps his eyes from going south.
I respect this for many guys my age can't control
where their eyes patrol.

It's a shame that we aren't soul mates,
because we used to be.
But now we're one-seventeenth of a whole teenager;
hormonal,
angry,
depressed.
But all I can say is,
when you think I'm overbearing,
instead,
think of how heavy it is to carry
a whole friendship on one back;
it's dead, lulling weight
digging into your spine,
slowing you down,
hoping you feel better
when it tells you, drunk,
how much you're worth.

I can't do this alone,
I need you to tell me sober that you love me,
or leave my life for a better one.