Pre
City noise drowned by my ears.
Rays of sunlight passed through leaves.
As cool breeze blew my hair,
I realize, I really wasn't there.

Peri
Inoculation started with titanium tips;
I looked elsewhere and thought real deep.
Anesthesia sunk down in my cheeks.
My face feel numb with swollen lips.

I think my mind wandered far enough,
Little me saying "Hey, I'm tough."
But my tongue tasted blood and rust.
But hey, I still do give my trust.

Post*
Continuously, he said, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
While bringing it back, after taking the ivory.
The familiar scent of isopropyl filled the air.
He gave me a specimen of the ivory that I once took care.

The staff was shocked.  I being the
Only patient to ever do yoga stretches
Afterward on the gurney,
My recovery time was cut in half.
Now to deal with this pain!
Writing my Meditation . . .

A mask looms over me and covers my face.
"Count backwards from 100."
My mouth feels like cotton--
My tongue weighs a ton.
I am falling backwards into an orange fuzz.
Pink and yellow squiggles bounce around me.
A blue one whispers to me,
"Give her more. She's waking up."

When I finally open my eyes,
I ask for it.
I see it in my mind's eye:
Brown, fuzzy
But I want to see the other side--
I imagine that it looks like the back of an eyelid.

I want to hold it and pet it and love it forever-- warm velvet and slime all in one piece of skin--
A most precious part of me that they have removed

It was unsightly
It might have caused cancer
I will never get it back

When I miss it, I touch my scar and am thankful for it.

They can't take me away completely.
Something still remains.

Our prayers guide his hand
Her strength weather worn sand
No matter tempest tide
Or fear harbored beside
It is his will that be done
Because her faith in his son
Will walk this barren land
Where only dust can understand

(i felt a piece shed violently from my heart, onto the floor.
like a tear shedding off a cheek.
it's all for you, love. )

My mother’s head had been cut open,
But she had felt the splitting since I was an infant
Crying out from my trundle bed.

Then I was sixteen and still crying out.
Let me explain;
I couldn’t express that I was aching,
So I’d tell them my mother was.

But no one bothered to ask me if she was alright.
A friend of mine told me, frustrated
That people get attention hungry
When the slightest thing goes wrong.

It’s true, I needed attention.
But I don’t know why the word is so hated
Lurched off the tongue like lonely girls aren’t worthy of
Some common human kindness.

That shut me up
So I had nothing to say
Save one dismissive mention
No one bothered to ask me if I was alright.

The worst part is
The splitting feeling didn't go away.
Her pain is worse now
That I am nearly an adult.

The sympathy for my mother vanished
Faster than the money she spent
To lie in a hospital bed,
Wrapped in a paper gown.
The sympathy for me was never there.

Hospital every year,
then every two.
This fragile heart needs mending,
for it's more than *******.

Two surgeries,
three months
and seven years.
There were so many tears.

My heart is so fragile,
it needs great care.
I will be fine,
as long as it's there.

Aspirin for six months
and probably more when I'm fixed again.
Medicine and hospitals are part of me,
as am I part of them.

I was born this way,
though I wish it weren't true.
It was merely a mistake,
or was I the accident?

"I don't mind hospitals."
It's a partial lie.
They seem normal to me,
but a screaming child
keeps me awake
when I try to sleep
the beeps away.

Let's take a moment
to appreciate
that we have technology
that keeps my heart awake.

I'm not alone-
I already know.
My mother was there too.
Maybe that's why I'm so askew.

The nurses are nice,
the surgeons are kind.
I just wish the matresses
were a bit softer... (:

White walls separate me from you
I stare blankly into the magazine
Glancing up at the looming door
That I know you are behind
I just want to knock it down
To get to you
To sneak past these nurses
Sneak past the patients
Sneak past the rules
Because I have found with you and I
There are no rules
I find it funny
That I care about you most
And I am the one trapped out here
Waiting
While they hold your hand
And whisper "it's alright"
Even though it is not
I imagine being next to you
Letting you talk
Shortly about brains
But mostly Harry Potter
You laugh in this scary place
But I know in real life that is not the case
White walls separate me from you again
I miss you
Are you okay
Do you need a blanket
A hug
What is happening in there
Why won't anyone tell me
After all I'm family too...
Yes
I'm family too
But only you see that
You see through the white walls that separate you from me.

I lay there after surviving something I thought would **** me,
I’m burrowed deep into my own thoughts and every question I was asked seemed so personal,
I don’t want to be here, why is my soul worth saving?
I even laid there, numb while I was on a drip due to dehydration,
I even laid there numb, while my family cried,
I even laid there numb while the pills were slowly dissolving, shutting down my mind and organs,
Something I had hoped for,

For such a long time.

Why me, why did I survive?
I spent 8 ******* days and 7 ******* nights, surrounded by 4 white walls,
Every colour was so bright, almost as if it was proving to me that I, in fact did not have any light or colour in my life,
While the sombre walls couldn't of been any more empty,
My mind aimlessly wondered through the small crevasses in life, trying to find at least something worth living for,
I even laid in silence, the only time I made a sound,
Was when I was masked with a drug to put me out,
Something that I couldn't have been anymore ecstatic about, while I was being cut open,
Something that happened often, but without gas to numb the pain.

I didn't need numbing.

I woke up from surgery, in more pain than I endured,
Again I was surrounded by 4 white walls,
I shot up from my bed, to then be restrained back and injected with morphine,
I didn't understand why I needed so much numbing,
Couldn't they see?

The layers of my skin were so worn and torn, I couldn't feel a thing!
My heart was so broken and detriment I couldn't feel a thing!
My eyes were so tired, I couldn't see, I couldn't feel a thing!
My lungs were so bruised, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't feel a thing!

It was my last day, I was finally leaving,
I could finally feel something,
But all I could think about now,
Was morphine.