why is it i always manage to write you a letter? don't you think i've written enough about you?
this morning, 1:31 AM, i asked if you were awake. you said of course and for some reason that response made me get the guts to tell you what i've wanted to tell you for a year now. maybe my head was clouded or i thought it would be poetic to tell you at that time, but now that it is bright and sunny out and while everyone is preparing to make their dinners, i'm sitting writing about how you told me to let go of you. tonight, i almost regret telling you.
yes, at 1:31 AM, i told you that i've liked you for over a year now and that i had to tell you to get it off my chest. you said, "but what about you and matthew? you guys would be cute together!" i could tell you were turning me down, i just didn't expect you to do so nicely. you see, you've always been really mean to me. you hide from me that one time i was going to tell you, you didn't show up at my homecoming party, you avoid me in the hallways and don't ask me questions in english when we all know- i'm the best at it. you broke my ******* heart noah, and i hate you for that and i hate that you would turn the conversation on me and matthew when i want to talk about us. i don't want matthew or anybody else, i want you.
people keep asking me about matthew and i don't want to like him because i want you, still. also because i don't want to be in a relationship and simply, i just can't see myself with him. but that's beside the point.
you told me that you loved a girl and she didn't love you back so you got over it, and i should do the same. because it's really not that big of a deal. but i think otherwise. how mean is it to tell me to get over you? you can't just tell someone to get over it when they've waisted an entire year on you! do you know how many times i've thought about you? do you know how many times i've spent wondering and wondering what could be? do you know how many times i've wanted to just tell you? do you know how many times i wanted you to be with me? i can't get over it.
it's 1:43 AM, and i say to you that i think you don't understand the levity of this situation and that i think it would be worthwhile to talk this out. you tell me, "what's there to talk about that can't be settled now?" i hate you for that. i just want to see you and tell you everything, all the letters i've written, all the thoughts and dreams i've had. but you don't let me and i don't think that's fair.
i don't think you're fair noah, i really don't.
i ask you if you ever realized that i liked you. you say no but you're brother, twin, might have mentioned it one time. then i ask you to just straight up tell me you don't like me. but you don't have the chutzpah to do so. i knew that was going to happen but i don't think you should be scared to tell someone you don't love them like that. you say relationships are not on your radar right now because their a waste of time and money. and i say, "i believe you noah, i really do." but i really don't because i know if it were any other girl, you would have dove head first.
it's 2:12 AM now and i ask if we can still remain friends and if you can still help me on my latin homework because you're pretty good at it and i listen the most when you talk, and when i'm looking into your candid coffee eyes. you say of course and you love latin, which i already knew. i say good night and you don't respond.
it's 5:05 PM, and i'm still in love with you. please, why don't you love me back? why don't you love me back? why don't you love me back?
i never want to write about you again because you make me sick to my stomach, you make me want to scream at the top of my lungs. you make me drown even when i feel afloat.
but i think i'm in love with you noah and i don't think i'll ever be able to let you go.