"i don't write much anymore because i'm not that sad lately."
"i love you."

"i would have e, but times change."
"seriously like i don't get you- i used to but now i don't."
"i still love you. i will always love you."

why is it i always manage to write you a letter? don't you think i've written enough about you?

this morning, 1:31 AM, i asked if you were awake. you said of course and for some reason that response made me get the guts to tell you what i've wanted to tell you for a year now. maybe my head was clouded or i thought  it would be poetic to tell you at that time, but now that it is bright and sunny out and while everyone is preparing to make their dinners, i'm sitting writing about how you told me to let go of you. tonight, i almost regret telling you.

yes, at 1:31 AM, i told you that i've liked you for over a year now and that i had to tell you to get it off my chest. you said, "but what about you and matthew? you guys would be cute together!" i could tell you were turning me down, i just didn't expect you to do so nicely. you see, you've always been really mean to me. you hide from me that one time i was going to tell you, you didn't show up at my homecoming party, you avoid me in the hallways and don't ask me questions in english when we all know- i'm the best at it. you broke my ******* heart noah, and i hate you for that and i hate that you would turn the conversation on me and matthew when i want to talk about us. i don't want matthew or anybody else, i want you.
people keep asking me about matthew and i don't want to like him because i want you, still. also because i don't want to be in a relationship and simply, i just can't see myself with him. but that's beside the point.

you told me that you loved a girl and she didn't love you back so you got over it, and i should do the same. because it's really not that big of a deal. but i think otherwise. how mean is it to tell me to get over you? you can't just tell someone to get over it when they've waisted an entire year on you! do you know how many times i've thought about you? do you know how many times i've spent wondering and wondering what could be? do you know how many times i've wanted to just tell you? do you know how many times i wanted you to be with me? i can't get over it.

it's 1:43 AM, and i say to you that i think you don't understand the levity of this situation and that i think it would be worthwhile to talk this out. you tell me, "what's there to talk about that can't be settled now?" i hate you for that. i just want to see you and tell you everything, all the letters i've written, all the thoughts and dreams i've had. but you don't let me and i don't think that's fair.

i don't think you're fair noah, i really don't.

i ask you if you ever realized that i liked you. you say no but you're brother, twin, might have mentioned it one time. then i ask you to just straight up tell me you don't like me. but you don't have the chutzpah to do so. i knew that was going to happen but i don't think you should be scared to tell someone you don't love them like that. you say relationships are not on your radar right now because their a waste of time and money. and i say, "i believe you noah, i really do." but i really don't because i know if it were any other girl, you would have dove head first.

it's 2:12 AM now and i ask if we can still remain friends and if you can still help me on my latin homework because you're pretty good at it and i listen the most when you talk, and when i'm looking into your candid coffee eyes. you say of course and you love latin, which i already knew. i say good night and you don't respond.

it's 5:05 PM, and i'm still in love with you. please, why don't you love me back? why don't you love me back? why don't you love me back?

i never want to write about you again because you make me sick to my stomach, you make me want to scream at the top of my lungs. you make me drown even when i feel afloat.

but i think i'm in love with you noah and i don't think i'll ever be able to let you go.

dear darling,
last night your eyes were a crisp warm brown.
today their red and blotchy- like you've been crying from a broken heart. but darling you don't know what i've been through.
the rain that pours from the black sky is salty and heavy.
it drenches me from head to toe- i'm not afraid of it- the rain.
let it pour and pour until everything is dead. let it pour until everything is sad and dull.
i'm not afraid of it darling- the rain.
let the rain show you how many tears i've cried for you over a broken heart.
let the thunder startle you so you know the anger oozing out of my broken heart.
darling, let the lightening struck you so you now know the power i can now control over you breaking my heart.
but dear darling,
do not show me your crisp warm brown eyes again. for let them stay red and blotchy- the rain pouring from your eyes.
because dear darling,
i've been through that.

he said that he hates books
but if someone were to write one about him, he'd read it all his life.

what he doesn't know-
i've already written an entire library about him.

each day you count on your fingers how many times you've caught him looking at you.
it doesn't fill up all five.
and conversations become like this too. just a steady rhythem of one...two...three...
you're bad at math so you don't know the average of how many times your lips should be moving
and he doesn't know when it's the right time to make your lips stop moving.
yes, to shut you up.

i know how it works.
first, they began with the sign of the cross-
up, down, right, left, center.
i will leave my hand on my chest and think,
what a strong heartbeat after he has broken my heart several times.
then they forgive our sins-
i have greatly sinned in my thoughts and in my words, in what i have done and in what i have failed to do
my mind will savor these words and i’ll think to myself,
it is hard not to sin when you are standing right in front of me
and then
my chest will cave in on itself like it's
an ancient religious pagan dome
and my ears will start to ring
like the bells before communion.
and when it becomes still, silent and all you can hear
is the prayers around you, i think
*when i go up to that altar and drink out of that holy grail
i will be kissing the lips of a cold savior

i'm not sure what he saw in me.
maybe it was my crooked canine tooth when i smiled
or how i always complained about the heat rather than the cold.
maybe it was how my hands were always ripped,
blessed by the sea water
or how my hair turned blond in the summer, brown in the fall.
i'm not sure what he saw in me.
and now that i'm miles away i can't help but think what happens if i had stayed?