Struggling not to suffocate
In the tight cellophane tent
That encases my mattress,
Gasping, reaching out but
Hand can’t break the barrier

I’m surrounded by cheap
Reflections of myself, this
Bed is their shrine -- i pay
Homage to the demons
By listening to each one
And giving them a piece
Of my mind

There’s a world out there
That i don't know, outside
This drear and bleary *****
Room that keeps me captive

Suffocated by my own self doubt
And your disapproval,
Struggling to keep my head up
But you plunge it under

I want to believe in you
But I’m too old for lies and
I realize that it’s been this
Way all along

i adored you more than anything, i use to be addicted to the way you make me feel, as if the whole world were standing still, the light in your eyes made me realize what it's like to live... you were once my living embrace... my oxygen.. but being with you slowly suffocated me... draining air for me to breathe... loving you wasn't a mistake.. just a mixture of mishap .. and disgrace.. i don't regret you... i regret the time spent.. wastefully thinking on the nights you could hold me again when you held another.. kissing those lips that have sinned.. the burning sensation of the lies spilled from them... not knowing who,what,when,where and most of all WHY .... Why me.... why take me for granted.. why play me like a video game.. when every time you "died" you thought you could "re-spawn" into my life... i let you in... gave you the world.. when all you did was burn it to the ground... piece by piece... year after year.... then when i finally dissipated and had realized what you've done.. that's the day i realized you weren't the one... now you finally sit in shame in a pool of your own sins... as i grin ... who is happy now?... you're shallow.. you manipulated me... and honestly i'm happy as can ever be... know why???.... because i'm free... as you sit there and agree to disagree.. finally realizing what you've done... now you are sitting there being the lonely one... i've given you my all... and now you are finally taking the downfall... because i've finally won..you sit here and realized after all this time you were in the wrong, i forgave you... but honestly you acted as if i betrayed you... could you not have opened your eyes??? maybe then you would've realized that i loved you then .. but now... now i'm done... for i have not sinned... Now you're the lonely one...

Have you ever felt air suffocating you? How can something you need to live be killing you?
Maybe because the breaths aren't careless, long, beautiful and free
But short, restricted and sloppy
It feels like I'm choking,
especially on my words
How do you explain depression?
Unbearable sadness and clogged throats
Not wanting to get out of bed and either staring at a clock watching time move both quickly but not quick enough
or it's staring at the indents or popcorn ceiling of your haunted house pretending they're stars
It's people telling you to just be happy
Don't you think I would've done that by now?
It's constant dragging of feet and weighed down shoulders and exasperated sighs filled with air I can't swallow for the life of me
They're filled with everything I want to say and nothing too
Indecisveness plays such a factor into this and is the pinacle of why I cannot put into words why the air is choking me
Am I worthy to breathe you?
Were you made for me? Or was I the lousy experiment that is ruining you?
I don't believe in God anymore now that I'm less optimistic
Why would God punish me for breathing when God was the one who made the air?
Sometimes I don't even want to speak
It's kind of all over the place
like my thoughts
but like I was saying,
I am drowning in air
and that's the best I can
explain it
Every breath feels like a burden
and I'm waiting for the
last sorrowed exhale

tell me again how this all makes sense
tell me again why there is blood on your hands
tell me again how love justifies suffocation
tell me again when enough is enough

I spew ink.

My whole life I believed I
Was made of tar
People walking by would leave their shoes behind
I thought that my lovers were stuck there
Caught in the goopy blackness of my stirring soul
I had no beaters, no mixing spoon
And they would gasp for breath on the surface

I pushed them out
I could not stand to hurt them so
Letting them die would be such a low blow
And it surprised me
To watch them leave so quickly
Like they didn't even want to fix me

One boy tried to clean me out with his bare hands once
And the farther he reached, the dirtier we both became
He traced my name with his fingers on my grimy car windows
"Wash me" the message would say
And I would try to shampoo the tar out of my hair

But as I looked at the spattered stains underneath my fingernails
My poetry, black and white
I saw right through my self-told  lies.

I spew ink.

Like an exploded pen in your white shirt pocket.
Look at the beautiful spots bleeding into the cotton.

Please don't leave.
I promise it's just ink.

YOU NEVER INITIATE CONVERSATION UNLESS YOU NEED ME FOR SOMETHING AND OUR FRIENDSHIP IS BUILT ON YOUR MENTAL HEALTH ALONE. ONCE YOU RECOVER I WILL BE NOTHING TO YOU UNTIL YOU RELAPSE
BECAUSE ALL I AM TO YOU IS SOMEONE WHO CAN TELL YOU HOW TO BREATHE. MAYBE
IT'S GOOD THAT YOU LIKE TO TELL ME ABOUT HOW I'VE BEEN KEEPING YOU ALIVE
BUT I'VE JUST BEEN PUTTING
YOUR OXYGEN MASK ON YOU BEFORE PUTTING ON  MY OWN YET YOU NEVER ASKED ME IF I COULD HOLD MY BREATH THAT LONG.
YOU NEVER ASKED IF I CAN BREATHE LIKE I TELL YOU TO. YOU NEVER ASK HOW I'M DOING UNLESS IT'S LEADING UP TO ME SAVING YOU.
I'M SO SICK OF IT BUT I CAN'T JUST DROP YOU OR ELSE YOU MIGHT DIE AND I'M SO ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED OF BEING
CITED AS THE CAUSE OF ANOTHER DOWNWARD SPIRAL THAT I'LL JUST KEEP SUFFOCATING MYSELF FOR YOU.
IT'S FINE.

I have a little gold fish
I poured him into his home
I watched him flow to and fro
admired his glide, his drift
the way he thrashed and picked up pace
I was so hypnotized by this beauty
it was hours later that my eyes widened in surprise
I'd never even filled up the bowl.

When I am near
I lose my breath
In a swift movement

When I am gone
I lose my breath
In a slow suffocation

Both are excruciating
But I can't seem to decide
Which is worse