Since the age of 4,
I’ve wanted nothing more
Than to heal, and feel
Like I belong, therefore

I struggle and try
Pretend not to cry
While you laugh and laugh
Elated to simply standby.

I plead and seek your aid,
Instead of help, you evade
All I ask of you, is for you to do
The job for which you are paid.

My blunder I can’t ascertain
My fellows you guide time and again
Until, I yet see, that the error is me
Teaching me is from what you refrain.

But the real problem here,
Is that I can’t be clear,
Of this skin I was born in,
It doesn’t exist—a veneer.

On the ground I must lay,
Your knee crushing my airway,
While to me you tell, that all is swell,
My lips blue, no air left to say

That since I was 4,
I’ve wanted nothing more
Than to heal, and feel
Like I belong, therefore

Though scared I may seem,
And left no self-esteem
I continue to fight, for it is my right
To keep pursuing my dream.

I go over my bucket list one more time...
Study, then jog a bit, finish my drawing for my grandma, then the equation I couldn’t figure out, then write the essay-
Or wait-maybe I should read the guidelines one more time-
The due date, when is it again?
AH! Piano is more immediate, where’s my metronome?
Oh no! The books are all our of order again and I can’t find it, why don’t I reorganize them in the process-
My room looks like trash why don’t I-

“Honey, are you done with your homework yet?”

Um...






Well...

I bought a bag, today
it is rectangular
I had forgotten about
the time you made fun of them,
and as I checked out,
I remembered.

I cried.

she looks like you.

Silly,
how they see potential
where I never could.
everywhere I hope to be
on Earth,
but it is too late
my potential died
as well as me.

Silly, how tears
only fall down
your cheeks.

varsity jackets,
badges of glory,
guarantees
left by old, old money.
state champions'
tendency
to wander
pass female dorms,
late at night,
reasons of, not far
beyond her.
homecoming queens,
smiles permanent,
eyes glassed,
twisted sovereigns.

I keep hearing that
in order to exist properly
amongst your peers
you need a strong sense of self.
I think that
the stains on my shirt
melancholic playlist in my ears
grumbling tummy
and agitation with self help websites
might be as good as it gets for my early 20's.

and I'm tired of trying to be perfectly healthy all the time.
and I think capacity for constant self awareness is a privilege.

Sounds of a generator and somebody
Shouting nearby. Reflections of
Blurred lights and a
Window playing television through blind slits;
This is it, this is it and
I shall embrace it.

Sewage surges below me and above me
Orion persists.
Should I take this as my glimmer of hope? Something
Of a trope belonging to my tragedy?
I shall embrace it.

Sitting in a cafe now, spilling
Tea on books and recalling my
Favourite of pages bound.
A mother sings a lullaby to unpacified baby, bittersweet
Melody of soft cries and
Soothing voice rattle against
Cutlery.
Life’s ultimatum sits opposite.
I shall embrace it.

Are you King?
or are you Queen?
Which one of these are you?
Or, are you someone else instead?
Are you someone new?

Do you play the intellect?
Are you smarter than the rest?
If you are the intellect
What makes you the best?

Is your role the writer?
Putting words upon a page
Or, maybe you're an actor
Portraying characters on stage

Whichever one you choose to be
Always play it well
Is what you are a secret?
One you'll never tell

I can't play an instrument
A musician I'll not be
My brain won't work with science
A doctor, that's not me

At times I have played many roles
Sometimes, way back in school
I lost myself for a short time
And in the end, I played the fool

There are many roles that you will play
As you work your way through life
Husband, brother, father
Mother, daughter, wife

No matter which you choose to play
The fool is only one
Story teller, wordsmith
Make sure that you have fun

So, in the morning sunshine
Ask yourself "who shall I play?"
A new one, or an old one?
Just who am I today?