Kneel beyond my throne, unaware it was born of lies.
Eyes linger on my every move, whispers shouting.
Am I meant to replicate perfection, or just die trying?
Cold smiles approach, thinking they have uncovered my tell-tale heart.

But I am a seasoned ghost.

Being raised to suffer, I have learned to hide.
To mold myself to fit the standards.
To grit my teeth and stand still as my form shifts once again.
Knowing the brief seconds of waking are a soft euphoria I will soon miss.

I wake to a dawn meant only for the dying.

I wake to reset my own jaw,
bending my bones backwards
with the occasional crack,
a ritual ensuring I resemble something human.

People believe I am powerful, successful, happy,
(but i am as fragile as frost on a window touched by morning).
My costume is convincing, but cannot change what I am.
Invisibly so, and so the pretending continues.

Sickness.
A middle ground between
A life worth living
And a life sequestered
From the worth
Of living.

Hallowed be thy strength,
Calling forth a certainty
That life will remain.
Preserved, teaching
Lessons of perseverance,
Stagnation and decay.

If only strength
Was strong enough to
Keep sickness at bay.
Falter faster, with ease,
Conveying a simple,
Yet efficient mean.

Time slips, memories fade.
Strength gives in,
An internal raid
Fills the void
With a void,
Yet how surprising

When you were never loved.

A mangled bird slumps in her gilded cage
Surrounded by opulence and feasts she cannot savor
Golden bars festooned with rolling joints and popping bones
A doll sewn by a child's hand
Pull her thread as she buckles like a blueberry
Blood
A viscous syrup in her legs
Sticky confluence
Heartbeat like a hummingbird
The nectar would likely cause an eruption of glowing pink hives
A rosy sanguine sea
Vision blurring
Rumination like hands on a clock
Round and round
Living days like
Copy, paste
Groundhog's Day
Oh, look, it's night again
Ice packs and Epsom baths
Erratic dreams
The clock resets
Oh, joy, it's day again

I am frustrated with myself
Y won't I change myself?
I do all the work on myself
But I still am not getting the results I want from myself

Who I am now is not enough to be self
I need more of myself
To expand into more of myself
but still I can't bring change through myself

I am age deaf
Deaf to the inevitable success brewing in myself,
Something mischievous is working against my self
Maybe an elf
That doesn't want to be a shelf
Holding onto parts that remind me of the inadequacies of my knife
I can't cut through to release myself
I desperately want to rebrand myself
So I can differentiate from my past self

I am tired of proving this new self
Her existence stranger to her own self
All she wants to be is high on life it self
Which always reflects back her divinity in herself

Ooo the pains of being so focused on myself
I can't get enough of all this attention on myself
From myself
All my problems a delight to marinate on oneself
Isolated from the world's problems watching from the topself
I have to solve my own problems before I can focus on your self

Ooo but my lonesome can't stand figuring all this out by myself
I guess that's y we split up and branched out to explore our self
So we can share different possibilities to free my self
And your self
So we can remember the freedom of being non self.

So goodbye not self
I tried but I can't bring myself
To act in your behalf
With you I can't laugh
I'd rather be the staff of my higher self
My lowerself is betting on the neck of this giraffe,
You don't give an F,
But you will when you realize you're nomore 12.
These cycles won't break themselves.
So let's rev
And meet our best self

It's OK to lean into help
You don't need to pay for this soul hotel
Drink up from this well
So confusion you expell
Clarity your gut smells
Your present self is perf
You just gotta remember your true self
God herself within you dwells
So give up the struggle, time to rebel

No need to repel
What is true in this melt
Your soul awakens to help your human compell
You already have the wealth
Like the clothes you've been dealt

wasnt any reason for me to lie.
the scars and bruises where they lie
why on earth do you doubt
why do you push and shove and shout

selfishly sick is what i be
the trauma fake? oh honestly!
i let it happen
i hurt myself
i do it all
and don't ask for help

i am failing critically
i am sick, selfishly.

i let you laugh
i let you lie
i kiss my "normal" life goodbye.
i let my thoughts
dissipate
let the next person take my place

if i lied for over a year
wouldnt that make the truth everclear?
foggy memories swirling endlessly

we are sick, selfishly

-yjp

I'm a somber soul,
My baby is sick at home.
I'm too far to walk,
I'm too young to drive.
Oh it's such a pity,
Lonely with the little lows of life.
My baby is sick at home,
But I've just gotta pocket,
All my strife to sickness.

I'm mentally torn apart
Take a step in my heart
Go ahead! peel off all the skin
Look at what lies within
Behind cute the little sweet things
Is an ugly reality
tugging at my sanity.

Life knows about me
It will cover up the ugly
So I don't end up in the ward
I smile at my life's gifts gleefully
Clutching life's sweet rewards
Deep into my palm.

This is my life
A Sugar Coat
The more I mask
The less I ask
Masking up the ugly, makes it so sweet
Save your tears, just not this week
Another day rolls along
She been sick for too long
Do my prayers ever get answered?
It hurts to watch her struggle through.

This is my little life
It cuts me like a knife
I might've won my little awards
But I'm one step closer to the wards
Where is he at
The one who told me that
I am his number one
It felt like he wasn't here
When the pang of stress was there.

This is my life
A Sugar Coat
The more I mask
The less I ask
Masking up the ugly, makes it so sweet
Save your tears, just not this week
Another day rolls along
Another broken promise
Will he ever care to compromise?
It pains me to see him
Not care about his and our future.

these poems here
tethered to me
by some unknown
uncontrollable force
I didn’t ask for this
I didn’t ask for any of this
all I wanted to do was to play
with the women and the music
and maybe even my kids every now and then
not knowing, not caring,
not believing, not searching
for a higher purpose
for a greater meaning
for an elixir of divinity
but they have arrived
in different variances
& mass quantities
I didn’t ask for this
now it is here
I can’t stop
I won’t stop
until it kills me
until it kills something inside of me
until there is nothing left
except
these poems here.

I feel odd
This strange mood has taken me

Something isn't right
Something isn't right

Discontent incomplete not whole
I wander down a bright corridor the lights hurt my eyes
The hum a cacophony of pain

Something isn't right
Something isn't right
Something isn't right
Something isn't right

I'm falling but stationary
A runaway train lost in the empty brightness
I'm mindlessly speeding through nothingness

Something is terribly wrong

I've never felt this way before
A mad descent
I'm suffering and I don't know why

I feel sick
From tension
From speed
From stress
From pain
From sickness
I don't know why

Something is wrong
Something is wrong
Something is wrong
Something is terribly wrong

My life is falling apart
as I curl up the walls close in
The bright light intensifies
I can't take it
I don't know
Please GOD save me

Please somebody save me

I can't think
I can't eat
I can't walk
I can't sleep

Something is wrong and it's hurting
The light intensifies
The hum gets louder
The walls begin to crush my chest
I gasp for breath but nothing reaches my lungs