You...

Are still in a relationship.

I have never been in one.

You... are travelling to Costa Rica.

I went to France a million years ago.

With..
YOU...

Are still subscribed to my YouTube channel.
And I have no idea why.

For all I know, you're only subscribed because you don't go on YouTube all that often...

Therefore... you've forgotten.

I don't blame you.

I'd like to forget me too.

I... am lonely.

You.. not so much or at least it seems that way..

I... am blind to my own pain.

You... are probably the same way.

You... still keep certain people as friends on social media despite how things ended.

I... don't even have Facebook.
Or Twitter.
Or Snapchat.

Or anything that would make me any "Friend" of yours.

You have no idea what's happened to me.

And vice versa.

You... have changed your hair for the hundredth time.

I have cut my hair for the first time in months.

I... have no idea what I'm doing.

And you are going to be set to be a history buff.

Funny thing... history huh?

How you will go on to study world history.

While I fall apart over our history.

What a mystery, the inconsistency of our lives right?

Because we weren't supposed to be friends.

I was never supposed to send you songs.
I haven't in 7 months give or take.

I cannot bare the weight of an unwanted conversation.

I have been told not to worry about hurting people.

But I don't worry about things I have already done.

So congratulations, you got out while you could.

And I deserve it.

On any other day, I would asked you to be alone with me.

But tonight.

I'll just be here.

And yet...

I wish we could talk about something else...

Like music.

I'm no longer one of your favourite artists.

Okay.

I'm glad we still have something in common.

My right to pain.

I've got pain to write.

I've always said that I wouldn't mind being in a coma.
Because the world wouldn't have to worry about me so much.

Now truthfully, most of the world has no idea who I am, so the world doesn't have much of a reason to worry, but still...

The small percentage of people who do know me, would be so worried all the time.

I would always be in one place.
The hospital.

I would always stay in the same position, and have the same reaction to everything.

Good news, bad news, no news at all.

And yet...

A coma for me is just a cover up.

I wouldn't want this to serve as an excuse for someone to visit me out of guilt.
And I would be able to respond if they told me they were sorry.

It kills me to know, that beyond being a limp body, I'm also a lost soul.

But even as I am here now, awake.

I feel closer to dead than anyone can ever know.

Only because I finally lost it.
And by "it" I only mean... me?

Like I was put on this planet just to hurt people, and I sure did...

I sure... did.

This feeling..

Of having people around, but still feeling like the most truthful thing to say is "I have no one left".

I can say it, and it still feels true.

I never wanted to hurt anyone.

So maybe people would finally feel guilty for leaving me if they just saw me close to "drifting to sleep".

Breathing harder, and feeling my T-shirt suffocating me.
And then feeling the vice grip of my sins wrap around my neck.

And I can't take it any more.

Sins...

Sounds too biblical and cliché right?

I'm tired of fighting to live well.

I'm tired.

Let me sleep.

Or induce a coma.

And put this whole thing to rest.

Fever dreams aren't easy to come by.
Soldier Aug 26

I let you go
Before truly
F a l l i n g   a p a r t

Soldier Aug 23

I don't want to sleep

Because I awoke this morning afraid
The same dream on replay in my mind

You
A pair of scissors
And me
Pinning you to a wall

Suicide attempts

I don't want to sleep

Because each new day brings me closer to fall
Where any hope of good people is gone
I will walk alone
Hiding my face from glares
Hoping the day will be over soon

I don't want to sleep

Because I don't want you to wake up like I did
Afraid and alone
I want to be there
Supporting you and to remind you you're safe

I don't want to sleep

Because I can't
My body aches
And I can't stop my mind
I can't sleep because somewhere
Someone is happier without me
Because somewhere
Someone wants to hunt me down
And make me pay

I don't want to sleep

Because I miss the people I've lost
And this is the time they used to fill
The time where the world is silent
But we never slept
A time where plans were made
Plans for a sweeter tomorrow
A time where we hid in love
Made time stop
And danced to the sunrise

I don't want to sleep

Because I don't deserve to
I deserve to live through this
I deserve to feel the loss
Read page after page of lost time
Watching them fade from view
And wonder if they're happier
Wonder why I never change
And if this can be fixed

I want to sleep

But the pain of past times keeps me awake
And reminds me of the broken
The ones I tore apart
As I pushed away
Leaving everything good
Because I could never be happy

Maybe one day I'll figure out how to human correctly

The three poems I have made private here are all about you.

It seems like everything about my opinion of you is some kind of private matter.

Honestly...

I still care about you.
I think you're amazing.

Maybe I still love you.
But not in the same way I used to.

I'm sorry I'm not worth all that much nowadays.

I just wanted you to know that I'm going into therapy soon.

Getting help.

After all.

You said I needed to "sort myself out".
Okay.

I've been through a lot of things that shouldn't have happened to good people like us.

Or maybe I was never that good person.

Who am I kidding?

You're not reading this.

Last time you did, things went wrong and now all those poems are private.

So.

I can't even muster up any courage to say "hi" in any situation.

So I won't.

Makes things easier.

Okay.

Sorry I didn't try harder.
Sorry I wasn't there.
Sorry I called you late at night.
Sorry I still remember the circus.
Sorry I still want to send you gifts for your birthday and Christmas.


I...

Sorry I didn't say anything the right way or even at the right time.

Anyways... talk later?

Or never I guess.

You'll be busy.

And I have a therapy session to go to.

Help.

~September 2014~

They came to me with hair filled with colour.

We met.
We talked.

Friends.

Right...

I miss them a lot.
And the only thing I seem to remember is the shape of their hair and all the rainbow it contained, from blue, to pink, to red, to green, to blonde, to finally going back to the normal root colour.

You could say the hair had personality of its own.

~August 2015~

Summer camp.

She was a stranger and a musician, and I had to know her.
She was a strong soul, and even holding her hand felt like a superpower I couldn't control.

Short cut hair.
Clean.
Swept over her eyes, over her ears.
Framing her smile.

~December 2016~

Techie girl.

She is the most complicated thing to come from all of this.
The semester didn't treat either of us well.

Slight curl to dark short hair. Shaven around the back, kept remarkably short.

Leaving her face untouched.

~July 2017~

Me.

I've shaved my head twice.
No shame in it.
My dignity not what it used to be.

My hair hangs down past my shoulders.
4:40pm comes around and I've lost inches upon inches of my hair.
6:30pm.

Slightly bobbed at the ends, framing my chin and shoulders.
Changing my hair part again.
Moving from side to center.

Straight hair, dark colour, lighter.

Short.

I like the aesthetic.

And I like these people.

I miss them most days.

But even though I'm now a short haired person myself.

I still forget about it...

Only to find my reflection later.

Haircuts are something else.
Soldier Jul 5

The mosquito bites
will always be worth
the slowing of our
dilly dallied goodbyes.

You can't get rid of me that easy LW
Soldier Jul 4

I let you go
Still fearing that those would be the last words you heard before dying

But I let you go
Waiting until you went offline to break into a thousand pieces
So you could sleep
So you could keep going

And I let you go
Fearing for your mind over mine
Not knowing my demons were waiting for me
But I stayed calm
Letting you sleep and survive

I let you go
Knowing that everything was crashing down
But knowing that I was the one putting that weight on you

I let go
Letting tears fall
Relapsing into a time where my wrists were my canvas
Taking your pain as my own
And breaking away from the night with nothing left but tears

"I won't pretend that I know what's going on in that beautiful mind of yours" -Nicetrain0468

She was there.

7:25pm

I'm out with some friends., we find a spot on a hill, I know some of the people, I don't know some of the people.

I'm there having a good time. Trying to make conversation, not seeming like a complete loner loser.

I make due with what social skills I have left.

10:45pm

The fireworks have started, sparks of colour fill the sky and loud exploding noises fill my ears.

It's so dark out.
I watched the sunset not too long ago...

The sounds, the exploding bursts of shimmer and shine.

The fireworks are so vibrant, so alive...
I don't feel scared to die right now...

Maybe I should, but I don't.

11:30pm

I found my car and the parking lot is filled with people trying to get out. I grab a map and sit on the trunk of my car as I wait for an opening.

The night is calm if you don't pay mind to the drivers.
And I don't, I just stare at the map, searching for a way home.

12:30am

I made it home about 10 minutes ago and I'm not tired yet.
I make myself a cup of hot chocolate and sit at my computer watching episodes of an old sitcom from a time I didn't live in.

2:00am

I'm here.
Lying in my bed, next to nothing and no one.
It was only hours ago that I didn't feel so scared.
And now I'm here.

She wasn't there was she?
She couldn't have been...
If she was, I couldn't possibly have...

She was there.

She was.

Our paths just missed each other.
Never crossing.

Just hours ago, I was watching fireworks.

And now I'm here.

Watching the darkness.

Celebrate the sky, light it up.

I like to believe that I'm stronger than I am.
That I'm braver than I am.

And yet, I fall into cowardice like any other reflex built into my skin.
It's a program the world wanted to overwrite onto my story. Like I didn't have a choice about whether or not I wanted to be miserable.

And I want to be better.
Who doesn't?

I just... fall away. Like it's so easy to give in to what you've been exposed to. No matter how dangerous or vulnerable it makes you.

You just fall.

I drop into a broken conversation, it just ended with an "I'm sorry".

It feels so final.

Like the unsatisfying ending of a story you wish you could rewrite. Like you're in so much control, you'll do anything to keep that control within your grasp.

I didn't want this.

I didn't want the final result I got.
Nothing.

An open road, and being told to just go anywhere.
Anywhere but were you came from.
Leaving home, and not returning to the comfort of the arms that held up your body when it couldn't fight gravity, falling to the ground.

They pick you up like it's the only thing they were ever taught to do.

I wish I told them everything.
I wish I told them how much I could cry.
How it could make an ocean all on its own.

I wish I hugged them more.
Told them they were the best thing that ever happened to me.
Told them that I would drop everything to be there for them.

That I would write songs about them.
That I would write and write and write until we had no more jokes to laugh about.

So, I guess the writing and laughing would never stop.

I wish I said more.

I mean. I wish I said something.

I wish...

I wasn't so afraid of being here.

I was told to go back to them.

I wonder if they'd ever want me back.
After everything.

So how do I go about this sort of deja vu?

Being told that:

"Maybe one "Hello" will flip everything."

Maybe. But I haven't gotten there.

Not yet anyway.

I'm just scared of being honest even though that is one of the only things I have left.
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