I realized a killing fact that I can’t ignore the way my Heart is operating!
I can literary see its components whether the arteries, the size and the blood going inside it!
Although I know its God’s creation and it is what differentiate humans from being inhuman!
I’ve thought I managed to express myself through my writings especially when I signed up for Leadership program and came back from retreat one!
Yesterday…I did Marma session and she told me “You don’t express yourself much!”…”There is Anger that is not expressed out!” As if someone slapped me, tell me wake up it is not a dream!
I went back home smiling with a fake smile! Talking with unfelt words! Replying to your posts without being fully present!
I felt lost in the space of illusion, the illusion of “Failure”, the Illusion of “Emptiness”….Leading me to Question everything I’m doing, that let me have a feeling that I’m about to lose "Faith"!
Out of nowhere, I started realizing what kind of music I'm listening to and those phrases hit me:
“The little girl standing in the rain
And she's all alone on the bad side of town
Now she's searching for a friend
Just to hold her when she cries
In her lonely nights, lonely nights
Where no one seems to care
In her lonely nights, lonely nights
You better beware
But baby you try and you try
But it seems that it doesn't work
Cause love is a game that they play
So baby hold on to your heart
When they tell you that they care
And somewhere in the night
There's a little cry
A girl who says
Hey I wanna die
There's no one here who cares
But if there's someone here who understands
Just someone here who'll try to lend a hand
And bring her home tonight, tonight
In her lonely nights...”
In another words, I was hushing that child inside me from searching for the hand! That friend or a person who can lend me that hand, thinking “Where no one seems to care”!
Those of stinky thoughts always hovering around me, and another song hits me also:
“I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
What have I become?
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
I will let you down
I will make you hurt..
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way”
I’m longing to sleep peacefully, and not to wake up with a feeling that there is some obligations needed to be done/settled somewhere for someone else but not me!!!!
I won’t share other versions of songs, it is creepy but funny how I was hypnotizing myself with a structure or life style without noticing the impact, however at the same time I’m grateful for the “Emptiness” and not the “Shallowness”!
What I’m confident of, is that my feelings had nourished my intuition to be at a higher level!
I just wanted to sleep deep! And I might have no answer to whatever question might come across your mind.
Anyone can help!
Thank you.
