I don't recognize that girl in the mirror.

Eyes dark, shining with manipulative malice;
Lips red and ready for a deep, deep sin;
Hands twitching to unravel someone's mind;
Heart....wait, what?

Where her heart should be is a gaping hole.
Flies fly by, and breezes breeze through
the emptiness, craggy and grey
like her entire being.

ropes are stretched over her entire being,
worn, weary, strung tight

how much longer until she
-like this mirror-
begins to crack?

it has begun.

Afraid for my thoughts to come out of my mouth,
cause then if I do it'll put the others in doubt.
Am I needy if every time I want I keep quiet,
because then all that'll ever follow me is silence.
I never owned a car radio but I have a love for music,
I've cut skin,
worked out
and banged my head to it.
It's been expressing my highs and lows all throughout my life,
but it's often failed to save me when reality takes its bite.
I ask a question,
and it's often answered in silence,
when has silence made any **** sense,
it's why people make riots.
Yesterday,
before I left for a trip at the end of the week,
I saw a ripped note from my sister saying that she hates me.
I couldn't quite get it because half of it was ripped somewhere else,
but if I found the other half it wouldn't make me more or less hate myself.
Is my presence here wrong? 
If so where can I belong?
How many people will remember me if I'm not gone.
I've heard "it's okay" but that only works for so long.
Quick distraction,
it only works back to back and simultaneous.
But keeping up the charade has proven just as dangerous.

Is this obsession?
Possession that I feel
Or simply the oxygen burn of my fire for you.
Is this how I am destined to see you?
Through eyes disturbed by my own historic fears
When I envisage better fingers upon your skin
A satisfaction I fear I could never achieve.
Is this defence?
My worry that soon I shall be the mundane
That makes you seek the excitement of another’s mystery.

Jealousy does not come from distrust
For I have never doubted the integrity of who you are
I am jealous of actions, not people
The looks, the contact
Elongated conversations
The freedom to be able to say yes
Inhabiting the same space
To share an embrace

I imagine the world looks upon you as I do
With desire and uncontrolled emotion
Where I am the least deserved suitor
And everyone else has more to offer than I
I fear the imagination in my mind
And how it can hurt me more than you
When I shall shrink until you no longer see me
Under the weight of my own self-deprecation;
Eventually leading you into someone else's arms who remind you of who I once was before I became no one

Yet the truth remains
That it is only without you that I am no one.

you break your own heart every day,
like drills shattering concrete, hoping
one day the moss and weeds
that grow in between
will somehow blossom into flowers

tosses around her words so she can watch them fall and make a dent in the earth, a dearth. she fills it up with water and prayers but she can never harvest anything except for love. that's where her body comes from - someone else's curves, brimming to the top & exploding  with doves.

if there was ever a volcano that erupted just to shower everyone with petals and pearls, it would be her. a curse she holds to be so tender.


but god, i wish i was her.

You'll never know how much I wish that you could glance at the person in the mirror and see all the beautiful little things about yourself. Your tiny little freckles or the adorable way your nose crinkles up when you're confused. The way your eyes twinkle like stars in the night sky when you speak with passion about the things you love. Your dimples when you're smiling with out even thinking about it or your laugh that is so captivating. The way your inner beauty radiates off of you, even when you're sporting a messy bun and sweats. God I just wish you could look in the mirror and fall in love with yourself instead of seeing everything about you that you hate. But, all you see is a face full of acne scars, eyebrows that aren't quite perfect enough, a nose that's just a little too big, and dark circles under your eyes because your late night thoughts kept you from sleeping  again. You hate yourself so much that you turn away from the mirror. You don't love yourself, so you can understand why no one else would either, and I think that's truly the most heartbreaking thing. And, maybe the hardest person to love is yourself, but darling I'm begging you to atleast try.
*- yourself

My heart is hammering in my chest
Almost
as
If
It's trying to escape my ****** prison
I'm panting forcing the air in and out of my lungs
Faster
And faster
And faster
Until I can't breath anymore
I'm choking on air
I'm suffocating
Clawing at my throat
Desperately gasping for oxygen
I can't stop
Although the muscles in my legs are screaming for me to halt
My legs won't carry me fast enough
Away from that horrid thing in the mirror
Lights
Cars
And shop windows pass by in a blur
My legs finally give out and I collapse on the ground
I look into a puddle
only to meet the gaze of the one
I tried so hard to escape from





i swallowed the
bathroom mirror whole
threw an entire bag
of lemon drops
into the highway and
danced on someone else's grave
in a failed attempt at
self-acceptance.

it's hard
to shatter the
saccharine sweet
taste of personal hate
sticking to my hands
like half melted wax.

i've almost
given myself permission
to fail
but not yet.

hasn't it been
stovetop memories
a couple haircuts
and one hell of a year?

scratch the back of my
neck
in a halfhearted attempt
to forget
and i'll take up burning
aluminum pillows
like i took up
loving myself.