There is no perfect word,
no adjective or noun
just a combination of
         I hate
         I worry
         I regret
         Am I enough?

It's a moment where my insecurities
are no longer a low hum
and I discover a whole
          new shade of
                  self-doubt

The disappointment of your own mistakes
Is greater than any let down from a friend
It is a cruel reminder that sometimes
you aren't capable of accomplishing
everything you set out to do
and that sometimes its yourself that gets in the way
and the worst part is you have no one to blame

~
Yeah, I can do coffee.
It’s a feeling of apprehension, anticipation, and arousal, all rolled into one.

Yeah, I can do this.
It’s dressing up, looking at how your hair lies for once, as opposed to letting it fly all over the place.
People say it looks sexier when you leave it messy, but you won’t let yourself believe that
Oh, today is the day
It’s hoping they don't cancel on you, remembering the last time a date bailed an hour before dinner…

It's nice to meet you!!
It’s a situation of extremes:  an extremely good time, or an extreme feeling of self-doubt?
So, tell me about you.
It’s the dichotomy of getting to know someone whilst also knowing their innermost thoughts through a dating app.

Hey, this is actually nice
but –
Am I attentive enough?
Am I flirting enough?
Am I …attractive enough?

Oh, my weekends look busy.
It’s the same old story.
Rise, rinse, and repeat.
~

I am no one special
No one powerful
Or smart
No one beautiful
Or talented
To set myself apart
And yet somebody loves me
Though only God knows why
Since I’m nobody special
In my own reflected eyes

Detached.
A stranger standing
In front of me.
Extrinsically scrutinizing
This figure staring back at me.
Eyes dead like a corpse
An expression of no remorse.
How did I get here!
Here, I stare.
I stare at a reflection I don't endorse.
Startled by who stands before me.
This is not who I want to be.

I wish I could break these stupid habits:
Stop touching my face
To get clear skin,
Stop looking in the mirror
To see how I look
Even though I know I look fine.

I wish I could break these silly habits:
Stop thinking about judgement in every place
that I go,
Not think about makeup
When I go for a swim,

Not look at my body in the mirror
And see
Imperfections of beauty,
Like beauty is something you can easily define.

I look fine.

I'm not mediocre
And, perhaps, I'm not divine,
When I see my reflection
I wish I could stop criticizing
Myself.
And looking at every bump and scratch on my cheeks and nose

I want to break these habits
of self-doubt and insufficient self-worth

I want to break these habits
of not feeling good enough-
When I know that I am.

In the room across the hall,
You see me, I’m all alone
Behind deadbolts and locked doors,
I built them on my own

You knock and knock, my ears are closed
To everything outside,
I’m smothered under voices,
And all they let me do is hide

“No one’s knocking,” I’m convinced
The door is closed and locked.
And to all the affirmations
My head is being blocked

The walls keep getting smaller,
I’ve barred myself inside
Chained down by doubt, by every word,
“I love you” is a lie.

I can’t hear you over all the buzz,
Just tell it all to stop.
I want the truth, never said I could take it
I’m bracing for the drop

I’m locked inside this room,
And I’m just about ready to snap,
And you don’t know to let me out
Because you don’t know that I’m trapped!

I’m trying to believe it.
Someday I’ll ask you for the key.
Just know that I, I’m sorry.
For the nightmare that is me.

it seems no matter which way I goes
I'm never much further in than my toes
always feeling left out
and having self-doubt
but I guess that's just how the wind blows.

Dear blame
I carried you for so long
How come you still weigh so heavy on my shoulders?
All I ever wanted was to leave it all behind
and all I ever feared was to leave it behind me
So much that I used to know
emptied by the distance in front of me
behind me lies what feels hard to comprehend
and how seeing my reflection now doesn't feel like some kind of lament

Dear self-doubt
did you know I'm not hiding anymore?
I found peace in these walls made out of run-down things
There are roots now and green leaves grow
I think the way I feel is like a once abandoned building
taken back by nature
But not overgrown, no,
just filled with new life where there was only cold concrete before.

Dear father
you'll never know
And I'll surely never have a reason to tell
I hope you're okay
I'm okay without you
the heaviness doesn't weigh on me any longer
and it took some time for me to realize that this is alright
This girl is alright

Dear mother
your pain always hits closest to home
anger was always yours to portrait
I think I gave you enough, I gave it all
and for what it's worth I never dishonored your pride
if dishonoring didn't mean standing up in front of you
I will forever be angry with you
so my conscious heart left a very long time ago
I had to save myself
I apologize and wish you find peace in your own right

Dear me
I'm so proud of you
Do you remember how we used to look outside?
thinking we'd never made it, no chance
It felt like a silly dream
Is it real?
Did we manage to escape it all with merely some scars and bruises?
I think... I did.