I find meaning in the eyes of others,
Love never seems to come from within,
It comes from the eyes of the girl who despises my being,
From the lips of the guy I never seem to fulfill,

I find meaning in the flesh of others,
My own seems rotten,
Unaccommodating to my soul,
Undeserving of my dreams,

If one day I let myself relish in the flesh of others,
Will my body become worthy of her eyes, of his lips?
Will my soul find rest?
Will my dreams...

The number grows but
I still can't tell if I am whole.
Every day is nearly the same
until it's simply not.

Even family changes or moves on.
No one is safe in the long run,
Not the encountered stranger,
the acquaintance or friends...

Nobody knows when they'll meet their end,
and it scares me.
I don't like the YOLO philosophy,
but here I am again, pondering.

I'm trying to make sense of everything
I'm wondering what exactly I need...
What can help me be happy?
I wouldn't say I'm ashamed but my past is embarrassing?

I guess I'll continue and just keep going
I'll keep trying my best,
For as long as I can,
I'll try to get through this

He didn’t cheat
But
Was it okay to still be with her?

After all the reassurance
“She's just a friend”
“I do not want anything with her”
Was that real?

Was it real when less then a week after everything
The breakup
The ***
Something still happened?

She
The one who I talked to
About the discomfort I felt every time she was around

She
The one who gave me reassurance
“Nothing is going to happen between us”

All the little respect I had for them
Vanished
Instantly

The disgust is stronger than any other emotion
And I just found that out

Wish the world ***** them both

I’ll disappear,
Like a caustic wind,
Pestilent, killing growth
Bridges made of vines divide
Greener pastures die, wheat yellow brittle
And in the blink of an eye
I fade away, ethereal, lost in the expanse.

Far out of reach, the stars betray
Misaligned, I can’t trace your face
Lost in the splendor of diamonds
I’ve blinded myself--
Flailing like a flickering flame,
Effortlessly burning for you
Endlessly searching the cosmos.

Brackish waters,
Consume me,
Pull me under to the bottomless
Floating in the deepest depths
Indebted for the moments stolen,
All I see in this infinite is a silhouette
Staring back in an umbral effigy
Will it feed my lungs oxygen
So I can breathe you in one last time?

We romanticize the dagger piercing,
Ripping tissue and muscle to find,
My heart lacked a cadence,
Syncopated, arhythmic.
Moribund feelings mourn love
That you stole like a hoarding wyrm,
Smaug smelting until the smog
Cast me in the molten gold
Plated for your pleasure

Arctic cold,
The skin has gone rough
Eyes bored out and reddened;
Anger steeped like a Sunday tea
I’ve been granted a chance,
Seize away humility.
And chase the storms that married me.

A cyclone wedged inside a typhoon
Bedded with a knife wound
I’ve carved my heart in the shape of one,
A valentine unsent in the place of your scent
I smell of smoldering flesh
I am of the lingering dead
Swamp bathed and doused in kerosene
Can you see my devotion now?

As I dance alone,
Under the starlit nocturne
In a sea of flames!

A fool
lives inside of me
I invited love to a dance
she came, and walked right past me
the scent of her perfume in the breeze
invisible to her eyes
quietly, I walked away
through the forest
holding the rose in my hand
a goat ran up to me
I fed her the rose
she walked along with me
death following not far behind

There are paths you don’t choose
but find yourself on,
waking one day to realize
you’ve left the voice that once
called you home.

There are people—
beautiful, bruised,
who touched the hem of healing

and stepped back

as if love would demand too much.

And I wonder how God handles
the slow disaster
of the almost-return.
The ones who knew,
who felt,
who started to lean in—
but didn’t.

Does He grieve
like a father who watches
his child walk past the open door,
too ashamed to knock?

Or does He simply wait—
unmoving,
unchanged,
burning with a stillness
only eternity understands?


Because I still ache
in the temporary.
I still hold their names
in my prayers
like broken glass
pressed into palms
that would have held them whole.

How thou art fallen, in darkness torn
That hath bound thee in endless mourn
Feelest how the moon drowns in sea
A song of vengeance, tenderly
Thou art in silence wearing souls
A sullen night where lone bells toll
Thy sorrow draped in veils so dark
Yet speaks wisdom as its art
Seek, o seek the path in dream,
As a dawn comes to redeem.

I have been spiraling down                                                                    ­                                 
Clawing at the muddy ground                                                           ­                                                              
 I pull myself up just to sink         
                                                                              ­                              
Always hanging on the brink                                                                       ­                                                    
  If I'd call for help, who'd hear                                                                     ­                                                  
  I'm all alone & my minds unclear                                                                     ­                                                    
 I scream in silence, so it seems                                                                    ­                                              
Haunted every night by dreams                                                                      ­                                                
   What is real & what is not                                                                        ­  
My pulse races, nerves are taut                                                             ­                                          
                                                                                                              
White knuckling through this life                                                             ­                                                                 ­                      
  Filled with pain, the future's blight                                                           ­                                                                 ­                                                                 ­                                      
I am a human stain bleeding out                                                              ­                                              
                                                                ­                                                 
 No tunnel light, just doubt                                                                     ­                                                     
I 'm dead inside & life is hell                                                                      ­                                                 
This is the hand I have been dealt